Hello,
I would be very thankful if someone could review/edit my statement and check for overall flow and style. I also need an advice on what to omit in the essay, so it would be a bit shorter.
Thank you very much!
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If you know me, I am a fighter. I believe in standing up for values, people, and fighting for what is right, something that seems less and less critical in these times. I believe that life gives us challenges to make us stronger, to build on our confidence and inner strength. Staring predicted defeat in the face, with nothing but sheer determination, by exercising the faith to set goals and then utilizing a plan of action thus making the goals reality. This has proved, in my experience, a most excellent approach to living. I developed this world-view through karate classes, which my parents initiated in the hope of improving my poor health. What began as pursuit of physical fitness became a journey of self-discovery. Karate instilled discipline, improved my self-confidence, and taught me the importance of collaboration. In my estimation the key lesson given by my instructor was: "Winning isn't everything; however, once you achieved your goal and have tasted victory through hard work, it becomes a motivating force in all your endeavors". If nothing else I do in my entire life this self-realization still stands as a great lesson learned.
I was empowered in recalling those words that guided me through the challenging years at law school. My desire to become a legal professional was cultivated years before. Intellectual curiosity and genuine interest in constitutional and governmental studies at school made this desire grow even stronger. While at school I came to the realization that the governmental and legal systems in X were far from perfection. The impact of this structure's weaknesses created a huge barrier to the protection of human rights. The system in place caused people to doubt and lose faith in the law and legal system, extending even to the country's global position as a viable community member. My aspiration to bring change to this legal system and to regenerate people's trust in law and justice was a major factor in my decision to apply to law school. I realize that the change that I intend to make will not come quickly, however having this thirst for challenges, coupled with a strong dedication and perseverance, I know I will not relent until my goal is realized.
Empowered by an enthusiastic approach and application of always giving my best efforts toward my education has helped me to succeed in my studies. Moreover, I acquired an experience that I consider essential for a future lawyer. As a group mentor, I assisted in an advisory role to those who required direction in handling the challenges they faced in their academic lives. I see these years as foundational, providing some essential building blocks to my ongoing education and further cementing the determination I have for pursuing a law degree.
Something of note, upon successful completion of the third semester I was given a great opportunity to join X Airlines State Concern for a summer internship. I was attached to the Legal Department, where I reviewed contracts drawn up between different departments of the organization.
However, my academic years did not prepare me for the challenges that my family experienced after immigrating to the United States in 2004. Cultural and linguistic barriers posed a tremendous obstacle in adapting to a new way of life. I was ill equipped when it came to the law of the United States as well as the use of the language, challenged not defeated I addressed these difficulties finding a job and I set aside my career plans to support my family. In my lengthy search I found my current position at a small oil Exploration and Production Company, which conducts business activities outside the United States. This job has broadened my horizons in many ways. I feel fortunate that besides my main responsibilities as an Administrative Assistant, many of my duties coincide with my educational background and include reviewing Company's contracts, and sometimes suggesting modifications to them.
Unfortunately, while I personally believe in the importance of community service, my current position is rather limiting when it comes to participate in community life. However, eager to contribute two years ago I got involved in community activities at X non-profit organization. As a member, I participate in various projects that promote and foster friendship between the United States and X through cultural, educational and charitable activities. I could never have believed how rewarding this experience would be, but now I realize how these activities have enabled me to better interact with people of different backgrounds, age, gender and race, as well as provide support and promote cultural understanding.
I hope in this brief personal statement you will see the culmination of all that has made me who I am today. Always drawn to the challenges, I believe I am ready to explore new horizons and further my education in law. A critical component now is my attendance in your school. It is encouraging from, what I have learned that the University of X is known for having teachers of great repute. In addition, I believe that the tools within your institution will help to move my career one step closer to my goal. Therefore, it is with confidence that I make application for admission to this institution. Furthermore, I strongly believe that my academic achievements and personal traits would add to the University's diversity experience.
Rather than cutting any content, I'd like to see you tighten up your writing, using direct and concise sentences to say everything you say here in far fewer words.
For example...
before
I developed this maxim after I defeated the health issue that I had been struggling with since I was a child. None of the traditional medical treatments helped me to strengthen my poor health. Therefore, my parents signed me up for karate classes. What initially was aimed just to make me stronger and improve my physical fitness, gradually transformed into a challenging journey of self-discovery. Besides strengthening my health, this martial art program helped me to instill a sense of discipline, understand the importance of collaboration with others who share the same goal, develop and improve self-confidence.
after
I developed this world-view through karate classes, which my parents initiated in hope of improving my poor health. What began as pursuit of physical fitness became a journey of self-discovery. Karate instilled discipline, improved my self-confidence, and taught me the importance of collaboration.
As long as you are ruthlessly cutting verbiage, you might as well replace all of your weak, pathetic verbs with strong, admirable ones, too. You can read about how to do that here:
Thank you very much your time and valuable suggestions.
If you want more feedback, post your revised draft here.
Thank you! I will definitely do!
Hi!
Would anyone please take another look at my statement? I followed suggestions above and hope it will "sound" better now.
Thank you very much for you time!
I don't like the addition to the first sentence. If you're going to go with "I'm a fighter" as your lead, don't weaken it with the preface, "if you know me."
You still need to prune excess verbiage, as below:
Something of note,U pon successful completion of the third semester I was given angreat opportunity to join X Airlines State Concern for a summer internship with itsI was attached to the Legal Department, where I reviewed contracts drawn up between different departments of the organization .
Thank you, Simone!
You're welcome! Don't forget to return the favor by offering feedback to other forum users.
You seem to want to do something involving human rights. That's nice. In fact, it is like the concept of "nice" -- vague, dull, and uninformative. What human rights problems do you wish to tackle? What fills you with a burning personal desire to tackle those issues? Answer these questions concisely, preferably relying heavily on narrative centered around strong verbs, and you will have a much better essay than you currently do.
