Please help me edit this PS. I need to make it spectacular due to not having a great LSAT score and this is definitely lacking.. I need to make it more heartfelt and catchy. Thanks!!
As a nine year old little girl in a crowded airport, I could hear my heart pounding. I felt sick to my stomach and overrun with emotions that I could not explain. I could see the look on my mothers face and I felt the unsteady emotions she was feeling, but I couldn't begin to understand the depth of it all. At that very moment I would have never guessed that it would be the last time that I would see most of my family.
I am Iranian. As a child, I lacked nothing because I was born into a prominent family. When I was still young, my parents divorced, and my father took me from my mother. Iran is a patriarchal society with a legal system that made it easy for my father to prevent me from seeing my mother for six months. All the while, he attempted to discredit her in my eyes. The day I saw my mother again, I Knew I never wanted to leave her side and realized that she had my best interests at heart.
It took years but my mother was able to finally win my custody, However my father still threatened to take me away from her. She knew that his threats were real due to Iran's legal system preferring men over women. This was the turning point in my life, the day my mother decided to leave Iran and secretly began working on getting a visa for the U.S.
My mother arrived in the U.S. with $400 and a nine year old who spoke no English. Seventeen years later, she owns her own successful hair salon. In the interim, though, we had to negotiate the labyrinth of American immigration laws. By the time that my mother obtained her green card, I was legally an adult and my application was denied. After thousands of dollars in attorney fees and many days in court, I finally received a green card.
It was during this time period that it became obvious that Continuing my education is a high priority in my future. My experiences with the legal systems of Iran and the U. S. created my initial interest in studying law and while I have closely considered all areas of study I feel that law is where my passion lies. My interest was further engaged by the work I have done in the real estate field.
My first sale was a $1,000,000 house, and I have continued to excel as an advocate for my clients. When the real estate market collapsed, I spent hours on the phone negotiating loan modifications, so that my clients would not lose their homes. Some companies charge thousands for this services, but I did it for free. I believe in offering pro-bono services to people in need-and families with small children facing foreclosure are in dire need.
For this reason I have now became an expert at negotiating short sales. A short sale involves negotiating with the mortgage holder to allow the home to be sold for substantially less than the original purchase price. Banks and mortgage companies try to avoid selling short, but my persistence and negotiating skills resulted in my closing many short sales in the past few years.
Now and through my college career I have been managing my mother's business for several years, handling all financial aspects of the enterprise. I am organized and adept at managing my time. These qualities will serve me well in law school and as an attorney. I believe that I have the skills and the empathy for clients needed to be an extraordinary law student and a successful attorney and I would like to fulfill my law education at the xxxx law school.
Nice into.
Here's my take:
When I was nine, I remember feeling my heart race as the crowds pressed against my mother and me in the Tehran airport. I felt sick. I saw the worry on my mother's face, but I didn't realize that I was leaving my homeland for the last time.
If you keep what you have, mother's is possessive in mother's face. My feeling is that less is more as far as expressing your feelings as a nine year old.
Good luck with it.
Eric
