Hi This is my 1st "LOI" in life. &riding on this I am dreaming to fly high! I would be really grateful to you if you can have a look & give your expert opinion.
Dear Selection Committee
The day I can still remember as young as like it's just yesterday- it was the claps all around, yes, I got much appreciation as the MC of the inauguration program of a junior batch in my department. And from then, I used to conduct most of this type of cultural/business session in my university life.
I can recall the memories of my earlier days- I always try to bring something different in any of my communication- be it an essay on exam paper or a speech in a friend's birthday party & always got appreciation from my near & dear ones. This sweet memories boosted up my confidence that I can do best in area of communication which is reflected in my life as being a professional in media communication sector.
Never losing sight of my dream, I became a serious and committed student during my undergrad studies to figure out my path to achieve my dream.
After my high school I got admitted in BBA, Jahangirnagar University- by securing 1st position in admission test. I have performed consistently excellent in my academic career. I particularly had a good aptitude in marketing & communication. I was really excited regarding my Marketing courses. I was an active participant in the class & gave my best effort to all the assignments & report works which awarded me with an A in Marketing Management course.
After completing my BBA- securing 3rd position among 52 students, through a competitive written test, I got chance to do my internship in "Asiatic Marketing Communication LTD.", a leading advertising agency (affiliated to JWT worldwide) in Bangladesh. During that period I closely observed how the whole process takes part- receiving brief from client & delivering a communication material through intense & stimulating brain storming session & backed up by strong logical & strategic analysis.
After completing my BBA program I started working in "Asiatic Mindshare LTD" - the leading media agency (affiliated to group M) in our country. & in the same year I got admitted into evening MBA(major- International Business) in University of Dhaka. . I continued both my study & job- with same pace. It was difficult for me but I worked hard to make it happen successfully. Even almost 6 hours journey daily could not stop me being on time in the classes as well as office. I completed my MBA by 2012.
By this time, I also got promoted as Assistant Manager. During my 5.5 years career in Mindshare, I have to manage media communication of Unilever brands- the number one advertiser in our country. I made this journey successful through my continuous learning spirit to make myself updated as time is moving ahead. Here I want to mention- "Closeup - Stories of Getting Closer" won Silver medal for Media Abbys in Goafest 2015 in the category "Best use of Integrated Campaign (South Asia)" & I was the media planner of the campaign.
As I believe knowledge is the only thing can make difference, I keep on learning. I completed a 6 week certificate course named "Advanced Certificate on Managerial Communication" from Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka.
In mid-2015, I was being shifted to another media wing of Group M- named- Media Consultants LTD. (Maxus- Bangladesh) to lead the planning unit for one of the giants telecom operators in the country called "Robi Axiata Bangladesh LTD."
With the whole world moving towards digital, I also keep on updating me. I completed an online course on digital media from "Group M University". I also accomplished an online certificate course named "Twitter flight School".
Having worked closely with the Marketing teams of the client and designing and implementing their communication strategy acted as a catalyst in building my excitement towards media and communication. Due to fast paced environment of communication related to business processes today, it's widely accepted that communication impacts the way marketing and business used to be. Services, products and customer behavior have changed to concentrate on information with excessive and limitless information accessibility. People receive information easier than ever as more media can be created by anyone. Thus, I'm as a communication professional need to acknowledge and develop my potential to face new business convergence.
I believe this MPC program would offer me knowledge and skills to broaden and professionalize my experience and future career opportunities for businesses organizations. Otherwise, I'd be willing to share knowledge from this course to other communication professionals in my country as narrowly education provided. This opportunity with Ryerson University, a leading university of the world with perception of setting up this knowingly course by focus on professional communication to create requisite marketing communication practitioners, would be unforgettable and invaluable memory. I sincerely hope you would consider me for admission which is a vital step in my career and thank you for this opportunity to express myself.
Fahmida, listen, you don't have to go all the way back to high school when writing your letter of intent. You just need to concentrate on delivering a very simple, 5 paragraph letter to the reviewer that outlines a number of important points related to your interest in receiving a masters degree. The current first part of your letter is irrelevant. The part about your professional career, that is relevant to the letter. So you will need to revise your work in order to better suit the requirements of a letter of intent.
As the description of the letter implies, you must specify your intentions for wishing to study in this masters degree course. As you can most likely tell, the story about the competition you joined and its accompanying tales are not important to this type of essay. So you will have to remove all of the first part of your letter. Instead, start the letter off from the moment you graduated from college. Just mention the school (if you wish to) and your course (a must to mention). The talk about your internship will definitely help your application. Just make sure to talk less about what you observed and instead discuss what you learned through the internship that you did. Right now, you only give an overview of what you did during that time. That is not enough information to help support your intentions for higher study.
Good job in mentioning all of your work related training experience and seminars attended. The reviewers definitely look for that kind of relevant information in a letter of intent. However,you did not do a very good job at the end of your essay. The reviewer will want to know what kind of long and short term goals you have for yourself as a student and a professional. It would have been nice for the reviewer to also know how you plan on using the university benefits to help you advance your skills and career in the future. So, if you can write a paragraph or two relating to that, it would be an excellent addition to your LOI. What career you plan to have in the future really isn't so clear in the essay at the moment.
I will admit that there are glaring grammatical errors in your written work. However, I can overlook those errors because you still have to revise the essay. Don't worry about the word maximum (if there is one at the moment) or the problems with spelling and sentence structure. We can deal with that once the paper already contains the necessary information for your LOI to be successful as a part of your application documents.
Thanks a lot for your comments. I tried to revise it accordingly, though I guess there are still some lacking & mistakes. Expecting your close observation on this once again please. Here is the revised one.
...
Fahmida, how much of the information in this essay can be considered a part of your resume or CV? The reason I ask is because you seem to be repeating information that the reviewer can easily find and confirm through your other submitted documents. All that is doing here is taking up space. You have a tendency to veer off the actual information that the letter of intent should contain. That is why your statement has become quite long and deviant in content. As a rule of thumb, your statement should only indicate 4 things. Let me see if I can better guide you using key words from your essay to set up the response.
1. The goal of your application:
I always dream to have a one storied building in a large open ground, surrounded by greenery - a little far from the city... nope, It's not a house! Its an institution. The 1st in my country where training would be facilitated for the incumbents in "media & communication sector" & I will be the founder trainer of that.
2. Your professional experience related to your chosen major (work and seminars attended):
I got admitted in BBA, in Jahangirnagar University - Marketing Management
Offer a synopsis only of the most recent seminars you attended and your most recent and relevant work experience. I am not sure if you should mention being on a reality show. It may not be that much of a help if you did not end up the winner in the competition.
3. Your short and long term plans:
- I could not find any reference to that in your essay
4. How the university can help you achieve those plans:
I believe this MPC program would offer me knowledge and skills to broaden and professionalize my experience and future career opportunity. I have a long term goal to become consultant in this area.
Be specific about the classes and internships that you plan to participate in and how you see those activities helping you to better achieve your goals. If you plan on doing some research in order to begin your long term career goals and you plan to work with a professor from the university, make sure to mention it here.
What I have provided for you are the foundations for the important and only responses required in your statement. Work on developing your responses along those lines By the way, please do not format your response in letter form. This is still an essay regardless of the title of the document.
Hi , again knocking you n hope this will be the final time! Here is the revised one- did it at my best. Please have a look & help me to get done with this! Plsss
...
Fahmida, I am disappointed. This essay is not an improvement over the first one that you wrote. You totally disregarded the detailed instructions that I gave you for writing your letter of intent. Had you followed the instructions, you would have been on your way to polishing your essay by now. The same errors exist, the same grammar problems, the same repetitive information from your CV that does not belong in your letter of intent, all of those have rendered this version of the essay as useless as the first. You cannot use this. This is not a letter of intent, this is a personal statement.
I am not sure about how to help you if you cannot even follow the simple instructions i gave you for the revision. I will try to redirect your essay in a manner that I hope, will help guide you in polishing the content. Again, I will not correct the content of the essay. That is not my duty I will however, point out the areas you should remove using strikeouts and offer comments for improvement per paragraph. You have to follow my instructions otherwise this essay will never get done.
Par. 1:
I always dream to have a one storied building in a large open ground, surrounded by greenery - a little far from the city, which is definitely not my own house to live in but an institution to live people's dream. The 1st in my country where training would be facilitated for the incumbents in "media & communication sector" & I will be the founder trainer of that.
I am considered as good communicator in professional world in my 6 year's career as a professional in media & communication sector at Group M, one of the Bangladesh's leading media agencies, but I can sense where I can even excel more & from a fantastic institute. This is why I am approaching to undertake graduate studies in Professional Communication at the University of Ryerson as I found this program a strong match with my interest & experience.
COMMENT: TRY TO COMBINE YOUR DREAM AND THE IMAGE THAT YOU THINK YOU HAVE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR SO THAT THIS PARAGRAPH WILL BECOME FLUID. START WITH YOUR IMAGE AS A COMMUNICATOR THEN END IT WITH YOUR DREAM TO BUILD THE INSTITUTION
Par. 2:
After my high school, I got admitted in BBA, in Jahangirnagar University- by securing 1st position in admission test. I have performed consistently excellent in my academic career. After completing my BBA- securing 3rd position among 52 students, I got chance to do my internship in "Asiatic Marketing Communication LTD.", a leading advertising agency (affiliated to JWT worldwide) in Bangladesh where I had my 1st hand experience regarding professional communication. That wonderful experience of learning developed my interest to build career in this sector.
COMMENT: WHAT PROFESSIONAL COMMUNICATION EXPERIENCE WAS THAT? EXPLAIN.
So, after completing my BBA program I joined in "Asiatic Mindshare LTD" - the leading media agency (affiliated to group M) in our country . During my 5.5 years career in Mindshare, I have to manage media communication of Unilever brands- the number one advertiser in our country .
COMMENT: THESE INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR AWARDS SHOULD ONLY BE IN YOUR CV AND OTHER DOCUMENTS SUBMITTED, NOT IN YOUR LOI.
As I believe knowledge is the only thing can make difference, I keep on learning. I completed a 6 week certificate course named "Advanced Certificate on Managerial Communication" from Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka.
Par.3:
In mid-2015, I was being shifted to another media wing of Group M- named- Media Consultants LTD. (Maxus- Bangladesh) to lead the planning unit for one of the giant telecom operators in the country called "Robi Axiata Bangladesh LTD."
With the whole world moving towards digital, I also keep on updating me. I completed an online course on digital media from "Group M University". I also accomplished an online certificate course named "Twitter flight School".
COMMENT: EXPLAIN HOW THE GROUP M UNIVERSITY AND TWITTER FLIGHT SCHOOL RELATE TO YOUR WORK.
Having worked closely with the Marketing teams of the client and designing and implementing their communication strategy acted as a catalyst in building my excitement towards media and communication & made me think of the future in it.
COMMENT: WHAT CLIENTS? GIVE EXAMPLES OF COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES USED.
Paragraphs 4&5 need grammar editing. That can be done as soon as you have specifically addressed the issues I mentioned above.
Hi here is the revised one...
I am considered as good communicator in professional world of media
& communication in my 6 year's career as a media practitioner at Group M, one of the Bangladesh's leading media agencies. But I can sense where I can even excel more & from a fantastic institute as I developed a dream throughout my career to introduce an institution, the 1st in my country, where training would be facilitated for the incumbents in "media & communication sector" & I will be the founder trainer of that. This is why I am approaching to undertake graduate studies in Professional Communication at the University of Ryerson as I found this program a strong match with my interest & experience.
As requirement of my BBA in Jahangirnagar University, I did my internship in "Asiatic Marketing Communication LTD.", where I had my 1st hand experience regarding professional communication- taking brief from client, de briefing it to the creative team & finally delivering a communication material (TVC story board/RDC script/ Press layout) through intense & stimulating brain storming session which is backed up by strong logical & strategic analysis. That wonderful experience of learning developed my interest to build career in this sector.
So, after completing my BBA program I joined in "Asiatic Mindshare LTD". During my 5.5 years career in Mindshare, I have to manage media communication of Unilever brands. I made this journey successful through my continuous learning spirit to make myself updated as time is moving ahead.
As I believe knowledge is the only thing can make difference, I keep on learning. I completed a 6 week certificate course named "Advanced Certificate on Managerial Communication" from Institute of Business Administration, University of Dhaka.
In mid-2015, I was being shifted to another media wing of Group M- named- Media Consultants LTD. to lead the planning unit for one of the giant telecom operators in the country called "Robi Axiata Bangladesh LTD."
With the whole world moving towards digital, I also keep on updating me. I completed an online course on digital media from "Group M University". I also accomplished an online certificate course named "Twitter flight School". These courses provided me learning of the basics of digital media planning, amplifying content with social media, creating content with a purpose, etc. which I could apply while managing fan page of Clear & Sunsilk.
Having worked closely with the marketing teams of the clients such as Unilever, Robi etc. and designing and implementing their communication strategy acted as a catalyst in building my excitement towards media and communication & made me think of the future in it. Through rigorous market & TG analysis, I work to develop media strategy such as- which would be the primary media followed by secondary along with budget recommendation to ensure brand's desired exposure in consumer's mind for a launch/ re launch of campaigns.
What is exciting about Bangladesh's media and communication industry for the next decade is that, like the radical social and economic changes, changes in the existing media framework will also be inevitable. Increasing public credibility of media, the effectiveness of media as a means of opinion supervision, and the superfluous of market awareness, all these are desired before a new era of media development can be expected. To achieve those anticipated changes, the development of well-trained media workers is indispensable. My present application for MPC at Ryerson is precisely motivated by the recognition that, having received a standard graduate education, I must acquire international perspectives by studying in a country with developed media industry. With this international background and education, I will be well equipped to face the challenges in Bangladesh's future media profession.
The program's diversified course offerings like the Strategic media relations, Communication and technology, Crisis communication, research and internship and many more can only take me one step ahead in life .I certainly belief its interdisciplinary perspective can make me an expert and principled communication practitioner. I hope this MPC program will give me the opportunity to become a valuable resource in communication sector & to assist the others who are interested to step in this sector by providing them learning opportunity through a structured academic orientation & thus making Bangladeshi media sector a strong one with properly trained challengers.
Waiting for feedback plsss
Fahmida, I did a quick read of your first essay and a thorough one on the revised essay, I believe it's stronger and you've gone a long way from the first one.
Now, I'd like to enhance the final paragraph, kindly find the corrections below.
- the next decade is that, like the radical social and economic changes,
- changes in the existing media framework will also bethat is inevitable.
- Increasing public credibility of the media,
- To achieve thosethis anticipated changes,
- With this international background and education,Armed with this knowledge, I will be
- I certainly beliefbelieve its interdisciplinary perspective
- can make me anwill assist me in becoming an expert and principled
- I hope thisThe MPC program will give me the opportunity
- to become a valuable resource in communication sector & toand assist the others who
- orientation &, thus making Bangladeshi media
- sector a strong one with properly trained challengersmedia practitioners .
Fahmida, you have a very genuine dedication towards the media expansion and improvement in Bangladesh and I do support you on this undertaking 100%,
now on this essay, overall, it's written pretty good, however, please avoid using the alternate representation of the words like "&" and also, refrain from using phrases that begins with "like", as it make it sound like a writing piece of a third grader.
I wish you good luck and do let us know how it turns out, we'd love to hear from you.
