I am planning to apply to a grad school scholarship program. I need to write a letter of self introduction. Here's my draft, can you help me improve this?
LETTER OF SELF-INTRODUCTION
When I was a child, my mother always beats me up whenever I don't want to study. But instead of hating her and hating studying, I did the opposite: I valued education and I thanked my mother for that.
I belong to a not-so-fortunate family of five. My parents were not able to finish their studies so they have low-paying jobs. They want my siblings and I to have the same life as them so they put in our minds that we have to finish our studies and be successful.
Through hardwork and perseverance, I was at the top of my class in primary and elementary school. In high school, I was part of the top 40 students in our school which has an average population of 13,000 students. In college, at first, I pursued a degree in Accountancy but later on pursued a degree in education.
I was studying Accountancy when I got so down and felt like something was missing with my life. I was taking a degree which will be my stepping stone to success but I'm not happy. One afternoon, on my way home, I saw street children and beggars. It breaks my heart to see them and as a student, I can't do anything for them. At that moment, I thought that I am wrong: that I can do something for them. I realized that being an Accountant was not my calling. Maybe I was destined to take another path. I stopped and by destiny perhaps, I ended up taking a degree in education. The emptiness and unhappiness vanished. My calling, as it turned out, was to help my poor countrymen and their children through education.
I graduated in XX University with a degree in Bachelor of Secondary Education Major in Mathematics in 201X. By June 201X, I landed my first teaching job in a private school. On the same year, I was able to pass the licensure examination for teachers and became a professional teacher. After a year in private school, I worked as a tutor for a few months and by October 201X, I was fortunately able to be a public school teacher. Currently, I am teaching Grade 7 Mathematics. Teaching in a public school is a fulfilment of my calling.
During my internship and teaching jobs, I noticed that most students don't like Mathematics. They have this thinking that it is difficult and they won't be able to use this in their daily lives. For now, I am doing my best to teach the subject enjoyably and effectively but I know that I am still lacking. I know that my knowledge and skills are not enough. because of this, I want to study again and pursue a Master's degree in Mathematics Education. I want to be able to teach Math effectively and be able to help my country and other countries through Mathematics Education.
The Philippines lag behind in terms of education especially in Math. Korea, on the other hand, is known as one of the best countries in Mathematics and XX University is known as the best university in Korea for education students. As a teacher, I want to be able to enhance my knowledge and skills in teaching Mathematics through the help of your school and I would only be able to that by applying to the XXX Scholarship Program. I believe that my passion for teaching and for helping students will allow me to get through the graduate program.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644
KIm, are you applying to the Korean Government Scholarship Program or KGSP? If you are, let me stop you right now. You have to write a totally new letter. Whether you are applying to the KGSP or a different program, you definitely need to adjust the content of your essay. There are a number of points that need to be removed in order to remove the "pity" factor of this letter and instead, focus on your merits as a student and professional that might catch the attention of the scholarship committee.
For starters, don't open the letter with a story of physical abuse. It is something that is definitely eye catching, but also paints your parents and your childhood in a bad light. Even though you say you are thankful to your mother for doing that, the damage has already been done. You have ruined your family background and will cause the reviewer to wonder what kind of psychological problems you might have that would affect your ability to complete the scholarship. Don't ruin your chances before you even start. Don't mention abuse when you contradict the statement towards the end. Just say that you had strict parents growing up who valued education over everything else for their children. That way your parents come across as supportive and you portray yourself as a person whose parents only want the best for you in life. Consider opening your essay from the current second paragraph instead. That sounds better than the current opening that you have.
Since you were an accounting major who shifted to education, explain how that happened. Sure you saw those out of school youth in the street, but what is the connection with your epiphany about becoming an educator? Specifically, being a Math educator. That is the missing link that could help to further make your essay properly informative in terms of self-introduction.
You definitely have to explain your reasons for studying in Korea. Be more specific about the Mathematical abilities of Koreans or better yet, the reasons why you believe that the university you have chosen is the best place to gain your masters degree. You have to show more familiarity with the training that Math educators receive in Korea and why that sort of training, in your opinion, could result in the creation of a better math educator.
Please proof read your essay for punctuation errors and grammar problems. I will not point those out at this point because you have yet to create a final version of this letter. However, it won't hurt for you to get used to proof reading and editing yourself before submitting you written work. Be on the lookout for those errors and correct them once you spot them.
Again, let me know if you are applying to the KGSP program or a different program. If it is for the KGSP, there are other portions that we can edit after you apply the revision suggestions I listed. If it is for another essay, we can work on shortening the essay in a more informative manner, depending upon the instructions for the content of the letter of motivation.
@Holt, thank you for your comment. I will revise the letter as you suggested. Or is it better to write another letter instead?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644
At this point, you actually have two options. The first of which is, that you try to revise the current letter that you have based upon my suggestions. It will allow you to only change portions of the letter as I have indicated in my previous advice and also give you a chance to quickly revise your work. However, it might also be best if you try to write a new letter instead. While it is harder to start from scratch, you now have my guidelines to assist you in the development of your next letter. So the next letter that you write might come out better and more informative than your previous one. The decision is really up to you. You can try to do a revision of the current letter and also, write a new one. If you do that, you have the opportunity to compare the two letters and choose the one that you feel will best represent your responses to the reviewer. Truth be told, you are the only one who can decide which action you want to take. I can only offer you options to choose from. Whichever you decide to do is fine with me. I'll still help you finalize the content if you want me to.