In February of 2008, I received a call from my dorm room. It was Vanessa. Her voice cracked but she didn't hesitate. "Jenn is gone. She killed herself last week." Jenn was one of my best friends in high school.
When Jenn died, there was no one with her. No one to talk her out of it. She planned her suicide the moment the rest of her family was on vacation. It took them a week to figure out that she was dead. By that time the smell of her corpse seeped into the rooms, forcing her family to move out. Time and time again it would run through my head. 'How could I have missed this?' If only I thought of a solution, I could've saved her.
I always remembered Jenn as someone that I wanted to be. She was one of the first creative souls I've ever encountered. She saw everything with beauty. She was bold, she never cared about what anyone said, and when she decided on something, there was nothing to change her mind. Not even death.
Since the time she passed, she has become to me a kind of spirit. When I imagine my creativity or determination, it has a physical form; and it almost always looks like her. She has transformed me into the creative leader I am today. She reminds me to be determined and never let anything compromise that determination. I have come to realize that even though I couldn't save her, she ended up saving me.
Anita, we need more of a background regarding your relationship with Jenn. You need to establish a relationship between the two of you that will make the reader care about her death and the impact that it had on you. Right now, the narrative is good, but we don't really care about Jenn. We don't really understand how she is connected to you and why you would think of her as some sort of guiding spirit. Who was Jenn to you ? What kind of person was she? Why do you say that she saved you? These are questions that need to be addressed in your written work because these are questions that arise as one reads the essay.
I think that before you take us into the phone call that you received, you should use one paragraph to deliver the foundation of the relationship and explain to us why we should care that she died. Then, in the part where you ask yourself "How could I have missed this?" the reader is left wondering what the status of your relationship with Jenn was before the two of you parted. Most importantly, why did the two of you part? There is a need to plug in those holes because it affects the overall impact of your essay.
I have another question. Are you writing this for a creative writing class or as part of a college application prompt? Regardless of which reason you are writing this essay, knowing the particular instructions that you were given for writing it will help me to offer you a better review of your work. Right now, I am only offering you a general review. I will probably be adding other comments and instructions for the revision of your essay once I know what you are trying to do with this text. Please upload the instructions as soon as possible. Thanks.
@vangiespen Thanks for your notes and I absolutely agree with those questions. Unfortunately I'm only given 250 words with the prompt "Describe an event that changed the way you see the world and how it has transformed you.
Hi Anita, I think I was able to help you out here. I got creative with your essay to try and build a background for it, no matter how simple. Feel free to use this as your response or as the basis of your revision if you wish :-)
Jenn was the rock that I built my social life upon. We were inseparable best of friends since we first met in high school. She was my adviser in life and the voice of reason when I needed one. . She always seemed emotionally strong and available for her friends and family. That is why I could not bring myself to accept the phone call from Vanessa, our friend, on that fateful day in 2008.
"Jenn killed herself." Vanessa's voice cracked aover the phone line. I in school at the time "She killed herself last week." A sense of nausea came over me. My person was gone. How could I not have noticed that she was reaching out for help?
I couldn't help but think that I could've been a better friend, the kind that could have saved her. I always remembered Jenn as someone that I wanted to be. She saw everything with beauty. She was bold, she never cared about what anyone said, and when she decided on something, there was nothing to change her mind. Not even death.
Rather than condemning her for what she did, I have used the memory of Jenn and her friendship as my inspiration for changing the world. My relationship with her was special and inspirational. She has transformed me into the creative leader I am today. I have come to realize that even though I couldn't save her, she ended up saving me.
Thanks so much for the help! I think it's much better now that there is a back story set. I'm going to sit on this and take a relook in a few weeks. Should be posting more essays soon.