This is my essay, I don't know whether it is okay or not. Can you help me?
The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land in sea.
What are the reasons and solutions?
Throughout the 21st century, there has been a noticeable outburst in the number of people inhabiting on this planet together with their industrial activities which has engendered the extinction of some animal species. Above all, it cannot be denied that deforestation and industrialization are the two main causes of this issue. This passage is going to analyze these reasons and propose some solutions.
To begin with, the rapid surge in population has obviously led to an increase in intensity of deforestation and industrialization posing a threat to some animal species. Firstly, in order to fulfill the needs of land, massive deforestation is supposed to be resorted to. As a result, the inhabitant of wild animal is being destroyed and the disappearance of some species is impending. Moreover, the increasing level of pollution caused by industrial activities inevitably has negative impact on life quality of certain creatures. Undoubtedly, dumping sewages into the oceans or poisoning the air may put some creatures' life to an end. Likewise, the affected environment may take years to recover.
Therefore, brief actions should be taken to eliminating this alarming issue. First and foremost, government should bring new environment laws into effects in order to ensure that deforestation is forbidden. Furthermore, should heavy fine and serious sentence be applied to devastating environment, malpractices or malicious actions will definitely decreased. Secondly, it is suggested that pollution treatment system be widely established and become a must in all industrial activities. The contaminated water will be required to be purified before flowing into rivers or seas and garbage along with noxious chemicals must be treated as well.
In conclusion, above are the two notable causes of the extinction of some living creatures and some recommended interventions to mitigating this problem. Personally, I urge that we should take environmental issue into consideration.
@lunalunalala
Hi. I am here to assess this essay for you to provide a comprehensive feedback. If you find this helpful, come back to the forum!
Firstly, I commend you with your decency and grasp of the language. It is quite noticeable how your language provides an in-depth and yet organized approach to writing. Maintain this!
The areas of concern that I would primarily have would be based on the heaviness of your sentences. While complex sentences are generally accepted and can help you grow your text into something more organic, focusing on dynamism is critical for the overall look of your writing. What this pertains to is having fluctuating lengths and variations for the paragraphs. Doing this would certainly make your writing appear a bit closer to natural.
