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The extinction of animal species. What causes this? How to protect our fauna?

nellawatyahmad26 3 / 3 1  
Dec 12, 2018   #1
I need your hand to review my writing. Obviously, this is IELTS writing task 2

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land in sea.
What are the reason and solutions?

animal habitats are destroyed

The number of extinct animal species increases over and over again because of human activities on earth. Habitat loss and industrial waste beget this issue, while building imitated niche and obtaining penalty to culprit should be accomplish by local government.

Losing habitat prompts the extinction of animal species day-by-day. Nowadays, people have a tendency to be competitive in industrial purpose, and this results in the construction in wild forest such as cutting down trees in order to broad. In another word, they have been destroying animal habitat inadvertently. Admittedly, industrial waste also causes such trend. Due to the demand of human needs such as food, animal species may no longer exist if the irresponsible culprits expend the unnecessary tools into the ocean. A 2015 survey of Ministry of Maritime in India stated that four out of ten species lose its habitat and it gradually increase around seven times in 2014 compared to a decade ago, approximately 23%, and this results in the proportion of animal extinction rises. Also, 24% of industrial waste have been caused such issue since 1999. So, how to tackle this trend?

To eradicate, building the imitated animal homes by the authority is the effective solution. In order to preserve animal species extinction, providing artificial habitat in some countries should be implemented, while the government should take an action immediately to bestow punishment for those who do not responsible in industrial waste. This approach can produce the deterrent effect to felon. Since 2010, the head of New Zealand has been utilizing waste technology for declining garbage into fertilizer, and this reduces the waste spending, so only roughly 3% of trash spread all around this nation. Therefore, New Zealand have been considered as the cleanest rural area worldwide.

It is sensible to conclude that while losing habitat and throwing up industrial waste are begat this problem, the head of country should contribute to construct artificial cage for animal and punish the culprit are the viable the solutions.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,423 4689  
Dec 13, 2018   #2
Nella, please use a timer the next time you write a Task 2 practice essay. You will find that when writing under time constraints, you will not have the opportunity to write 329 words. The most you should write is 250-275 words. This allows you write enough words to aim for a high score across the board and offers you an opportunity to review your essay for conciseness, clarity, and other errors that may exist in your work. Remember, you need to perfect you presentation not only on a sentence structure basis, but also on a coherent and cohesive basis.

As for the essay itself, in relation to the provided prompt, I believe that you are not very good at developing sentence structures yet. You clearly made a mistake when you shared the original prompt here. You paraphrased the original prompt and made the presentation loose its sense of logic and clarity, You said:

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land in sea.

If something is already established as being land based, it cannot be "in sea" as well. The correct original prompt presentation should have been:

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land AND in the sea.

The original prompt was making a reference to the same activity occurring in 2 different areas, therefore the connecting word "and" was required for clarity and cohesiveness in that presentation. Now, I am not supposed to correct the prompt as you posted it but I really felt a need to do it in order to make you focus on the errors that happen even in unrelated practice situations as these have a direct bearing on your GRA abilities.

Your prompt paraphrase is short by 1 sentence so it does not meet the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences per paragraph. The more appropriate presentation would have been:

Groups of creatures are continuously being eradicated from both its continent and ocean homes. This is attributed to actions being undertaken by people that affect the natural habitat of the animals. Some of the activities that contribute to these results include forest destruction and water pollution. Some solutions that can be implemented include creating protected habitats and punishing companies or people who participate in water contamination activities.

This is a direct question essay that requires you to outline your discussion topics as direct responses to the questions provided. This is the only essay that allows you to begin your discussion, within 3-5 sentence, within the prompt paraphrase. You have to learn to say more with less words. If you write too many words, your essay will constantly suffer, as it does now, from clarity and conciseness issues. You are more focused on showing off your English vocabulary knowledge, which is useless if you cannot properly explain yourself to the reader. If the reader finds himself stressed out because of the lack of clear content presentation, then your overall score can be affected.

Remember, you are not writing a research paper. You are writing a paper that is based only on personal knowledge and experience. Where did these percentages come from? Don't research when writing the Task 2 practice essays. The actual test is pen and paper based. No computers, no internet, no research. Don't make the mistake of relying on research because you won't have a chance to do that. Rather use only your personal opinion for these types of discussions.

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