Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career.

I need help editing my personal statement for optometry school please! Grammar, structure & punctuation

Prompt: Please describe what inspires your decision for becoming an optometrist, including your preparation for training in this profession, your aptitude and motivation, the basis for your interest in optometry, and your future career goals. (4500 characters)

Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. As a first-generation college student growing up near Long Beach, none of my extended family members pursued a professional degree. I had no one to look up to for inspiration, but my mother was always present throughout my life. She was the fuel that fed the fire. She was the one who constantly reinforced the notion of "if you have the brain to do it, do something great with it". As long as I could remember, I loved learning new things and challenging my mind. My family thought I wanted to become a veterinarian due to my love for animals. As I started to mature, I considered being a bioengineer and the idea of a veterinarian quickly diminished. My focus was directed to math and science in my high school courses and there was no looking back. I knew I wanted to pursue a career in science while helping people, but I was unsure which path to take.

In the process of discovering my path, I became a high school tutor during my first two years as a college student. In my freshman year, I was multi-tasking two part-time jobs and a full-time class schedule. In the beginning, I thought of tutoring as just a "job". My view quickly changed as I started getting more involved with the students. I worked for a state-funded program called Trio, which selected high school students from low-income families to guide them to be first-generation college students. Since math was my forte, my manager asked me to work individually with a sophomore who was severely struggling with her geometry class. I was pleased with the parental cooperation and support displayed regarding the student's grade. After one of the sessions, the student's mother revealed to me that both of her daughters suffered from a rare genetic eye disorder called retinitis pigmentosa. This disorder affects the eye's ability to respond to light and results in a progressive loss of vision. The student's mother was concerned that her daughter's condition could be the cause for her learning impediment. I assured her that we would work as many hours as needed, reviewing the chapter lessons to improve her math grade, in addition to homework help. I was determined to raise the student's grade as well as spark some interest in math. I reminded my students I was a student as well learning new things every day and there are some endeavors to overcome but what matters is to never give up. During tutor sessions, I was overjoyed with the student's great effort and advancement in her least favorite subject. I was astounded discovering she had skyrocketed two letter grades by the end of the quarter! There's no greater feeling than seeing a student succeed right before your eyes. Every day I worked for this program, I got to experience that and watch seniors depart to their dream universities. Tutoring was the most rewarding job I have had. Helping others accomplish their goals is priceless.

After hearing about the eye disease that affected my student, I decided to do some research on my own time. I was interested in what caused the eye to lose its vision acuity and I had so many unanswered questions on retinitis pigmentosa. Having to visit the optometrist yearly, my nearsightedness started to progress and I was always curious as to why that was the case. During my research session, I saw myself getting intertwined into a different world of medicine, health, and science that I had not considered before. This new unexplored world captivated me and I was left wanting to know more. A few months after my new found interest, I visited my optometrist. Regardless of my ever-changing prescription, visits to the optometrist's office was an event I constantly looked forward to. At the appointment, I flooded the doctor with questions about my eye health, vision, and her career, ultimately. I have always had a positive experience at the optometrist's office and that day I declared my profession.

Once I decided on optometry as my career path, I firmly stood by my decision. I realized I needed more experience in my desired field. I was fortunate to intern and work for a well-respected ophthalmologist and two other optometrists in the Davis area. I felt very honored to work for a doctor with such modest and genuine character at heart. I worked at the front desk helping patients check-in, scheduling eye appointments, and collecting insurance information. After graduation, I moved back to my hometown and proceeded to shadow optometrists in my area. I shadowed an optometrist that is very involved with the community I live in. He organizes a low vision non-profit organization and I was intimidated at first, but his wonderful personality and engagement with his patients humanized him in my eyes. Aside from shadowing optometrists, I decided to work for the Trio program once more. I was reminded of how fulfilling helping the future generation was, therefore, I became a peer mentor/tutor/instructor teaching biology, chemistry and math putting my biology degree to use. My future goals once I am an optometrist would be to give back and serve the low-income community I live in. I would want to first join a group practice and with time, own my own private practice. Being bilingual would help me accommodate the majority of the Spanish speaking patients who live in the area.

Laura, I think that there is room to refocus the essay in order to better align it with the prompt. I really do not think that the first few parts of your essay are necessary in depicting the growth of your interest in optometry. It seems to me that the reviewer will be more interested in learning about how your interest in this field developed specifically. Sans all your other interests as you were growing into who you are now. So instead of discussing how you are the first person in your family to attend college (you can mention that later on in relation to optometry), and how you were interested in Math among other things, you should go directly to discussing your work with Trio because that is when you discovered Optometry and gained an interest in it.

While the visits to your optometrist is interesting to read about. It does not really create any moment in the essay where the reviewer could say "Oh wow! So that's why she chose optometry!" Even though you were bombarding your doctor with questions, the pivotal moment when you realized that this was the career for you is not represented. So that portion is not as strong as it can be. I would work on developing that if I were you.

Finally, when you speak of the internships you had with optometrists, mention the people and specific places. This will allow the reviewer to actually confirm the validity of your claims. Which in turn, can help bolster your application. So be specific. You never know if a name of one of the people you worked with will stand out with the reviewer.

You've got some pretty solid plans in your statement. It looks like you have your future planned out. All you need is to get started on this path. I hope I can help you get onto the road :-)

Thank you for the input! It's always refreshing to hear others' opinions on what needs improvement. The more eyes that look at my paper the better. You made me realize what I need to focus on and I'm not so good with staying on topic.

@Iro, I read your response to the EF contributor and she's write, it's very essential that you remain on the topic and writing objectively when it comes to a more sensitive piece of writing. Before I begin to dice up your essay, I'd like to wish you the best of luck in this endeavor and I hope my little help, makes a difference.

2nd paragraph

- ...and the support displayed
-...regardingtowards the student's grade.
- ...mother revealed to me that both...
- I assured her that we wouldwill work...
- ...matters is not to never give up.
- During tutortutorial sessions,
- I wasam overjoyed withby the student's
- I gotget to experience...
- that and watch seniors depart tofor their dream universities.

I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.

I have modified my essay. If you could please give me feedback @vangiespen or if it still needs improvement on staying on task. Thank you so much.

...

Laura, your essay is really much closer than it originally was. It is more focused on the reasons why you chose to become an optometrist in the future. However, there is still that nagging problem of your interest in Math that disrupts the flow of your essay. Since you really did not pursue a career in math, there is simply no reason to make it more than a passing mention in relation to the way your interest in Optometry developed. So here is my advice for this version of your essay, edit the following 2 paragraphs using my instructions below:

[...] I assured her that the THE EYE PROBLEM OF HER CHILD WOULD NOT INTERFERE WITH OUR TUTORIAL SESSIONS AND THAT I WOULD WORK HARDER WITH HER DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF IT. we would work as many hours as needed. ...

The strike through in the succeeding sentences in the aforementioned paragraph means those parts are not necessary to the essay and should be deleted. Instead, replace those sentences with the following new paragraph:

After hearing about the eye disease that affected my student, I decided to do some research on my own time. I was interested in what caused the eye to lose its visual acuity and I had many unanswered questions on retinitis pigmentosa. During my research session,...

Some additional suggestions for the further improvement of the content:

I felt chills as she spoke and I knew I was making the right decision.
- Expand upon this sensation that you felt. Explain why you felt chills as she spoke. How did you realize that this was the right decision to make? What came to your mind as you heard her line of reasoning for her chosen career? You need to better develop this part because this is the "Aha!" moment that I spoke of in my earlier thread.

Right now, the essay that you wrote just needs these adjustments in order to work better for your purpose. Overall, you did very well in revising the essay. You just need to be guided a little bit more in order to polish it :-)

Thank you so much @vangiespen!!! I couldn't be more grateful. You are helping me immensely! May God give you more!

Here is the final draft, in case you want to read the finished product 4498 characters (4500 character limit). I believe grammar and punctuation is taken care of but can you check for me? I am confident now thanks to your help @vangiespen :)

Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. As a child, one dreams of unimaginable career goals, some attainable some unrealistic. I grew up with the reinforced notion ...

hi @Iro, below are my remarks for the 3rd and final paragraph of your essay.

3rd paragraph
- I saw myself getting intertwinedimmersed into a different world of medicine,
- I have always had a positive experience
- at the optometrist'smy doctor's office and that day
- I declared myoptometry my profession.

Final paragraph
- OnceAs soon as I decided on optometry as my career path,
- and proceeded to shadowed optometrists in my area.
- My future goals once I amas an optometrist would be to give
- back and serve the low-income community I live in .
- I would want to first join a group practice and with time,
- ownform my own private practice. B, b eing bilingual would help

This are my final remarks and I hope it helped.

Thank you @justivy03 and @vangiespen for all the help. I owe you both. I think i'm ready to finalize my essay.

Optometry school: A position of responsibility that will help you to become a better optometrist

Describe a position of responsibility you have held and explain how the skills and experience you acquired will help you become a better optometrist (3000 characters). Please help me edit, paragraph structure, content, and grammar.

This past fall season, I recently started an instructor position for the TRIO pre-college program through the community college I attended as an undergraduate. TRIO is a state-funded program that provides academic services to high school students. The program prepares and guides students all throughout their high school career to ensure they attend university. I was offered two teaching positions, one as a biology instructor and the other as a chemistry instructor. Naturally I was more drawn to the biology instructor position. Confident I could handle both subjects, I accepted both responsibilities. As an instructor for the program, I was given the freedom to design the lesson plan I desired for high school students while following the California State Standards. With this independence, I aimed to find the simplest way to convey the most complex topics in biology and chemistry. I took my own experiences from excellent teachers I have had and tried to incorporate those skills into the classroom. By breaking up the allotted 50 minutes into lecture, worksheet, recap, question and answer, I obtained the optimal balance between lecture and participation. When it's time to mix things up, we perform a lab with group work and interaction. By maintaining structure in the classroom, I have gained superior communication skills with my students by using words they comprehend.

The skills associated from teaching can be advantageous when explaining conditions of patients in the exam room. By possessing strong communication skills, one can efficiently describe how the eye is composed, what pathway the eye condition is taking, and the underlying cause of the condition. When the patient fully comprehends the condition, they have a greater awareness of what they can do to slow the progression of the condition or prevent it entirely. An example I experienced while working in an optometrist office involved an elderly Hispanic woman diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. As English was not her primary language, I was translating what the doctor was telling her about his findings. She complained about a dark spot in the center of her vision and the doctor used a three-dimensional eye model as well as an eye diagram to explain her condition. It turned out that she had not visited the optometrist for the past three years due to financial situations and as a result developed proliferative diabetic retinopathy (PDR). He described the small blood vessels that nourish the retina were damaged and were leaking blood. This action caused the retinal tissue to swell clouding her vision. She understood exactly what was happening inside her eye but remained hopeful. He urgently referred her to a glaucoma specialist to be treated. When you equip yourself with the appropriate "tools" to properly serve patients, each party has a more successful outcome. I am thankful for the teaching experience that has helped me describe situations regarding patient's eyes in a coherent manner.

Laura, I was able to bring the character count down to 2934. let me post the revised essay here before I give you my suggestions regarding improving the essay.

I noticed that in the part about the experience at the optometrist's office, you indicated that you speak Spanish fluently. Why did you not indicate a reference to that skill in the essay? Maybe you can insert it into the part about teaching your students? Maybe imply that you were teaching them excellently because you are bilingual? It just seems like something important that can help enhance your position of responsibility. I hope you can consider revising the essay to include a reference to that.

Laura, I'd like to share my insights on the merged essay that you have, kindly find below remarks;

Final paragraph

- The skills associated from teaching can be of advantageous
- when explaining conditions ofto patients in the exam room.
- By possessingWith strong communication skills,
- situations and, as a result developed proliferative diabetic retinopathy (PDR).
- WhenOnce you equip yourself with the appropriate "tools" to properly serve patients,
- each party has a more successful outcome.

That's about it for me Laura, I hope the corrections done, helped your essay a little bit.
For future reference, mind your linking verbs, the correct usage matters a lot in completing your sentences.
Good luck!

Hello again @vangiespen, I really appreciate the edits made to my essay. I took all of them into account. To answer your question about being bilingual, I mentioned it in my original personal statement. I thought that was enough haha. And I mentioned it in this supplementary essay as well. Thank you for giving me excellent advice, though :) you are very good at what you do.

Thank you @justivy03 and I will definitely work on my linking verbs. Thanks again!!!