SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management

Hi, everybody! Could you do me a favor? I am applying for construction management in America. This is what I have drafted so far. However, I am still not sure if it is too wordy. Besides, Is there any good ways to make my SOP more impressive? And which part should be more detailed? Thank you for your time!

Dear Sir/Madame,

I am a Senior in Tongji University, and I am applying for Master in Construction Management in University of XXX.

The undergraduate curricula in Tongji University have introduced me to the full range of Civil Engineering. Among all programs, it was construction engineering that particularly captured my interest. To delve deeper into the area, I attended a minor study on construction management during my spare time. There, I had the opportunity to be exposed to advanced construction management theories, like "lean construction". I also came to realize the crucial role that a reliable parade played in schedule, cost and quality objectives.

To put what I had learned into practice, I participated in the East China Structure Competition, where I was assigned to design a wooden tower crane with two partners. In the process, we conquered a lot of obstacles, like how to connect wood components firmly, how to reduce weight with an acceptable suffer in resistance and so on. Through the process of "proposal-discussion-improvement-application", I gradually acquired the ability of independent thinking and problem solving skills.

In order to overcome acrophobia, I took an elective course in rock climbing to challenge myself. With determination and perseverance, I soon defeated my scare and became the best climber in class. It was from rock climbing that I first time tasted entire confidence when others put their safety in my hands. Later the wonderful feeling of trusting and being trusted drove me to join the Rock Climbing Association as the captain of a team. By helping green hands cure acrophobia and build self-confidence, I gained a lot in organizational and interpersonal skills.

During the two months Summer Fieldwork in 2008, I was assigned to practice in Ruijin-Ganzhou Highway Project, where I received a detailed knowledge of concrete filling pile technique. My job started with level measurement and construction setting-out. I soon got acquainted with the Total Station and completed the assignment efficiently. After that I was arranged to department of pile foundation. Due to the insufficient geological investigation there, our team was under a great pressure because of strict cost control. By successfully helping engineers deal with unexpected hard rock strata and water-eroded caves, I picked up a lot of experience in solving geological problems of pile construction. Besides, I also grasped the principle and application of ultrasonic transmission method in pile quality detection.

Luckily in 2009, I was given another precious opportunity to train in the Spanish Pavilion Project of the EXPO 2010 Shanghai. I had never undergone a steel structure project before thus I spent first week reading technical drawings and construction organization design at office. Thereon, I was arranged to practice on site, where I had access to various techniques of steel structure, like bolted flange joint, carbon-dioxide arc welding etc. Later I was given the responsibility to assist the site manager in arranging hoisting and assembling schedule and adjusting resource distribution. Honorably, we later settled an emergency successfully by adding temporary supports to a buckling column which supported a bulky truss beam to form a transfer floor. This experience gave me tremendous self-confidence in emergency settlement.

In 2009, a visit to the ruins of Hangzhou subway tunnel collapse and the collapse of an under-construction residential building in Shanghai drew my attention to the situation of construction management in China. After an intensive investigation on these accidents, I came to realize that irrational underbidding policies, disordered contract management, overstaffed project organization and loose quality control had already become universal phenomena and deeply rooted in the system of construction management in China. The passion that I have for improving the serious situation inspired my consideration to pursue a career in Construction Management.

Among all universities that offer program of construction management, I find University of XXX most attractive to me. The challenging academia will always motivate me to explore more in depth about my area of studying, which I believe is one of the principles of being an excellent engineer. I believe that the opportunity to study in the XXX University, where a sound system for construction management has been built long before, will equip me with the skills necessary to a successful career path.

Thanks for your time. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any concerns at XXX . Look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

I am a Senior at Tongji University in Shanghai, and I am applying for admission to the Construction Management Masters Degree Program at the University of XXX.

That is how I would do it. I think you should write another sentence in the first paragraph: Tell the reader -- in a single sentence -- what you hope to do with your life.

That will get them hooked, and they will be interested in the "back story" that comes next.

Hey, I have a suggestion, but only take it if it suits your writing style. I think it is not necessary to give all the details... like you said, it's too wordy. I suggest you use bullet points in the middle of this essay, and list all these learning experiences.

You write very clearly, very impressive accomplishments.

Kevin, thank you very much for your suggestions. What about my description of rock climbing? Is it redundant? Some of my friends said that this experience had nothing to do with my application. What about your opinion?

You shouldn't throw out rock climbing! It's am amazing piece. Very powerful, tells the judges about yourself, portrays your personality and it's connected with your profession. I think it fits perfectly well. From a "blueprints and pencils" guy you suddenly become a "manly" kind of guy.

This paragraph, "handling an emergency" and "Hangzhou subway" paragraphs are the best. They make me consider you as a special and unique candidate. AND they're interesting to read.

I felt bored when I read through the beginning (before acrophobia), but I felt "dragged in" more and more as I continued to read. If this was your initial plan, it worked on me. Still, I think you need a powerful beginning. It's possible judges wouldn't even get to those excellent parts you've got later on.

Maybe you could somehow fit rock climbing into the beginning and connect it with what Kevin said (what you hope to do with your life). Although this might create a void in the middle, so I'm not completely sure it's the right call. Maybe there is other powerful experience you had that you can put in the beginning.

The ending feels very generic. You definitely need to spice it up. You might want to adjust it to every specific uni you'll be sending this essay to. You can say how work of a certain professor of this uni interests you and is connected with what you've been up to.

There are also several places where you need to use a more formal style (like "thanks" in the end).

In short, you have lots of great things to tell about yourself, they make you stand out, but your sop's weak points are the beginning and the end (imho). Other than that, excellent work!

This is an answer to your previous post (before you edited it).

I decided to try "cut" your two paragraphs without actually "cutting them out". Here's what I managed to get:

"The undergraduate curricula in Tongji University introduced me to Civil Engineering, but namely construction engineering made me delve deeper. I even attended a minor study on construction management during my spare time, exposing myself to advanced construction management theories, like "lean construction".

At East China Structure Competition I was assigned to design a wooden tower crane with two partners, which helped me apply my knowledge in practice. Struggling to connect wood components firmly, finding ways to reduce weight with an acceptable suffer in resistance etc, using "proposal-discussion-improvement-application" scheme, helped me to develop independent thinking and problem solving skills."

It's 98 words long (instead of 156) and it seems to capture everything you wanted to say. It took me some time to rewrite it, but it's absolutely possible to make it 30% shorter! I did the same thing with my essays. I wrote everything I wanted to say and then tried to make it a lot more dense and concise. It's two separate processes. First you write'n'edit and then you crunch'n'polish it =). I think even if you have a 1300 word essay you can probably make it into 900-1000 with some effort.

If you take a break from your essay for a few hours or even a day, and then try to rewrite it to be shorter, it'll be a lot easier to do. You might even start to notice facts that are less important and could easily be thrown away.

It's okay to have many things to mention. It's also okay to pick things you consider THE best and cut other ones out.

As for mentioning work of certain professors, you should do it if you actually found someone's work to be interesting and it's the direction you might be taking in the future. It shows you researched for this uni in particular. It also explains what makes you want to get in this uni and makes you stand out in the crowd, who all sent a "general" essay. And no, I don't think "I like prof A's work" somehow reads as "I don't like prof B's work" =) I think it just shows direction of your professional interests.

In my opinion, it is best to convey a sense that you are fired up about your goals. Write the letter with a "voice" that says you are passionate and serious, and that you have the next several years planned out. I think you should include a sentence in the intro paragraph about how going to this college to which you're applying is a crucial part of the process you have planned.

In the beginning, perhaps you should also list the subjects you will cover in the essay; list them somewhere in the first paragraph. That first paragraph is important for "supporting" the rest of the essay with a solid introduction.

Thanks, Alexandr and Feng&Chen, for your great work!!!

Hi, Kevin. Apart from a "statement of purpose", I am also asked to prepare a "personal history statement". I have read several samples, however these samples mainly focus on biracial background, violence or poverty. All of these have nothing to do with me. If I write as the requirement, it would be quite the same with my statement of purpose. I am really confused now, and I even could not write down a word! Could you give me some ideas about what a "personal history statement" is? What is the main topic?

The requirement is as follows:
"In an essay, discuss how your personal background informs your decision to pursue a graduate degree. Please include any educational, familial, cultural, economic, or social experiences, challenges, or opportunities relevant to your academic journey; how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within your chosen field; and/or how you might serve educationally underrepresented segments of society with your degree."

Well, it is not all background, not all history, because they ask for "how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within your chosen field...serve educationally underrepresented segments of society..." So, even though they are asking for personal history, they seem to be interested in other things... they are only human.. maybe this is not as clear as it could be.

I think that, psychologically, the best thing to do is present yourself as someone who is determined to hae the future go a certain way... determination means having a history of reading articles about this field, making big plans to do specific things... so, tell some stories about experiences that sharpened your interest in this field and in helping educationally underrepresented segments of society. Tell the truth, and write beautifully! When inspiration comes, you will know what to write. I can't wait to see it!