Hello,
I am planning to apply for Msc Business Analytics course. I would really appreciate if you can help me out on my first draft.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
Enormous amount of data emerges every second and waits for the meaningful ways to improve our systems in every aspects of life. At this stage of growth, data analysis became a need for every sector to maintain an improvement, a prediction or a solution. By pursuing graduate studies in business analytics, I wish to explore the pool of big data analytics, machine learning and predictive analysis which will procure me to reach my career goal where I can make significant improvements as a business consultant/analyst by using big data to decide on the policy in the information technology industry.
I got introduced to data analysis when I had my internship at strategic planning department in a float glass manufacturer, namely X which leads the sector in Y. I was working with senior specialists from finance and planning departments who were managing a forecasting project to operate the company's investments whereas my duty was data collection. I collected the unstructured data of different numbers of items that float glass material used mostly furniture, cars, windows, constructions, houses and even gross domestic product of Y from 2006 to 2016. I searched several sources including governmental agencies websites and private company's sales records. Then, I transferred it to analyzable format with the help of data management tools of Minitab. After that, specialists made a regression model on Minitab software that predicts next year's glass demand. This internship plays a key role that opened my eyes about the field of data science and helped me to prioritizing my focus area for my career.
After the completion of my undergraduate degree, I was not really sure to have a job or to pursue Master degree on analytics. I got job offers as technical engineer and production planning engineer before my graduation whereas the offers were extremely low due to the economical crisis in Y and I was looking for an IT job, not mechanics which did not convince me to work. I decided to have a gap year to investigate my interest and plan my future path. While I was seeking jobs which intersect with my interest, I have realized that the jobs at different sectors have a common point which is data analysis that can be operated in every type of job. I believe that if one has this unique skill set of investigation can easily change the way of process beneficially and this thought always pushed me to try to correlate different datasets I was working on to see if they both have a special meaning together.
Consequently, I have realized that my current knowledge and abilities on tools were limited for the jobs that I need to extend my theoretical and practical knowledge on analytics to pursue my goal. The courses of business analytics program at Z provide an ideal balance between theory and practical use which I liked the most. Technical selection of electives makes me excited that programming as well as data mining and management courses awaken my curiosity. Most importantly, the program offers a capstone project so that I can have a chance to participate in a real business related problem which is the first step to my long-term goal.
I think maybe you could exclude this part or reword it to make it sound more positive. It doesn't sound nice that you are unsure of what you want and you rejected jobs due to finance instead of passion.
"After the completion of my undergraduate degree.."
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Kerem, I am not sure about how to review your essay. The title for this is SOP for MsC, the SOP reference means "Statement of Purpose". However, the actual title that you used for the essay is "Personal Statement". The SOP and PS are two different essays that addresses two different prompt requirements. The Personal Statement is what you wrote above, a description of the development of your interest in the course and why you hope to pursue higher studies. A Statement of Purpose, is an essay that relies on your professional goals to deliver the purpose of your essay.
As such, you have to clarify which type of essay you are actually asking me to review. I would hate to give you the wrong review for the wrong type of paper. If you can, please post the discussion instructions / prompt for the essay that you are being asked to write. That would help me to better understand what sort of essay you are actually supposed to write.
The personal statement that you wrote is good. It is strong and clear with regards to the development of your interest but falls short of explaining your interest in a specific university and its teaching program. Without that, the personal statement doesn't really deliver a strong motivational impression. Adding a university reference would help strengthen the presentation. The rest of the essay is acceptable.
Again, this essay is somewhat effective as a personal statement but cannot and should not be confused for a personal statement. If you can clarify which essay you really want to write, I will try to get back to you with additional information or a more appropriate and relevant review of your paper.
@Holt
Thanks a lot for your informative response. I was not aware of the difference between them. I wrote as personal statement not SOP. I will try to write about moure about my interest on specific university and course.
@racheltsk90
Thanks a lot for your opinion. I will reword this paragraph to sound more positive.
