Specialization in the "Sustainable Electrical Energy track" - MS motivation letter

I am applying for my MS in Electrical Engineering with a specialisation in Sustainable Electrical Energy.one of the motivation letter question was:
Your motivation for taking the MSc programme of your choice.

what i wrote is:
I am applying for the MS Electrical Engineering at XXX with a specialization in the "Sustainable Electrical Energy track" starting in September 2015. Since childhood I have a keen interest for Mathematics and Physics which was further triggered by participating in several competitions like "4th national mathematics Olympiad 2008" and "kangaroo Maths" at my school level. Therefore it seemed logical to pursue a career in Engineering. The powerful world of electronics fascinated me at my college level and I decided to choose electrical engineering as my undergraduate studies. I entered the university with a merit scholarship awarded to the top --% students joining the university. My exposure to different courses at the undergrad level further ignited my interest to pursue my degree in electrical engineering forward. I have demonstrated my solid skills and capabilities in Electrical Engineering during my bachelor's study with GPA of 3.47 (scale of 0-4, with 4 as the highest).

Apart from interest my main motivation behind choosing this course is its future. Keeping in view the limited non-renewable energy resources in this world this track is the future of the electrical energy resources.

Another major reason for choosing this course is my social background. I belong to Pakistan. One of the major issues that my country faces is the energy crisis especially the electrical energy. I want to contribute back to my country in any way I can. This course will help me achieve this.

comments ??

Hey there satayish_anjum, let me share my point of view


1. You better to use this sentence to imply your background rather than to use is as introduction.
2. I see a lot of explanation about your passion to pursue MS Electrical Engineering, but I still don't get why do you choose that XXX University. You should explain more about it.

3. You put another background to conclude your statement. I prefer to read it in sequence order rather than separating it because it will make another confusion.

4. You can give more explanation about electrical energy crisis that is happen in your country to strengthen your ideas.

Overall you did great. good luck