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What are your specific expectations from the Master in Management?, My draft is as follows.


amanlalwani 1 / 1  
Jun 25, 2016   #1
While working in my family business I tried to adopt maximum techniques learned during my training which helped the business grow up to an extent. Pursuant to this involvement I realized that i needed to learn some organization management and people skills to expand my uncle's business further. Consequently, upon working with multinationals and understanding how modern firms work, I applied the knowledge and skill-set by leading marketing team of our factory which helped us achieve short term targets. Further this achievement elucidated the reasons of hurdles faced by us in other areas too.

Pursuing European MIM would not only allow me to address these challenges effectively, but also armour me with the skills to take our business to the next level and be the leaders in domestic market. Given the untapped potential of the market, this Triple Degree program and diverse culture can equip me with knowledge to realize the potential to the maximum.Furthermore this experience will enable me to develop solid relations with the business world, wherein i will be exposed to different perspectives about business which will broaden my leadership and management skills, and even enhance my networking skills. As a person being open to people from different cultures, social backgrounds,professions, and industries, it will change me as a human being and will provide me with greater awareness and satisfaction to experience becoming enriched and growing and will increase the inside competence. It is my firm belief and conviction that the academic and professional knowledge associated with this course along with the overall experience will give me an impetus to learn and succeed as a thorough professional in my future ventures.

it surely lacks the eyecatchy thing, please HELP.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 28, 2016   #2
Hi Aman, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to also say sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. With regards to your essay, I can see that you want to add some eye-catchy phrases or sentences. I would be happy to help you with that. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below along with some corrections:

1st paragraph
- If there is a will, there is a way. I believe when I amwhile working in my family business I tried to adopt maximum....... (I gave you additional hook)

- ...grow up to an outstanding extent. (you need to explain it clearly to what extent?)
- Pursuant to this involvement, (comma needed) I realized that I (mind the capitalization) needed to learn some valuable skills about management of organization and peopleorganizational managements and people skills to expand my uncle's business further.

- I applied the knowledge and skill-set by leading marketing team of ourmy uncle's factory which helped us achieve short-term targets. (it wasn't the reader's factory, remember that. No need to write "our")

- Furthermore, this achievement elucidated the reasons of hurdles faced by usme and my uncle in other areas too.

For further feedback, I think you need to shift the usage of personal pronouns in your essay (except me/my/I) . Also, you need to remember that capitalization is essential. Lastly, your second paragraph and first paragraph's weight is somewhat different. The gap was too wide I think. Perhaps, you can make it balance by transferring or adding additional ideas to the first paragraph in order to make it equal to the second paragraph. I hope you can follow through :) Good luck in revising your draft
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 28, 2016   #3
Hi Aman, here's another take on your essay.

- While working in myour family
- Pursuant to thisIn my pursuit and involvement
- some organizational management
- leading the marketing team
- Further to this achievement it
- elucidated the reasons ofand hurdles
- we faced by us in other areas too.

- but will also armour me with
- leaders in the domestic market.
- the potential of the business to the maximum.
- Furthermore, this experience
-wherein i will be exposed to different perspectives
- about the business which
- skills,( a comma is not necessary when it's followed with the word "and")
- and evenfurther enhance my networking skills.

There you have it Aman, I left a few more sentences in order for you to practice proof reading your own work, this way you will be able to see the difference of your original work and the revised one. Furthermore, you will be able to effectively correct what seemed to be a good enough essay and strengthen the substance of your essay.
OP amanlalwani 1 / 1  
Jun 30, 2016   #4
thanks alot guys for your time and help, really means alot.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 1, 2016   #5
Hi Aman, no worries at all, we are here to assist you with all of your writing projects. Don't hesitate to write us anytime you feel like writing, it doesn't need to be an essay, not even a formal writing, whatever it is that you feel like writing, you can let us know. I urge you to write, simply because this is one way for you to practice the language and go further in your writing.

When you do write, speak or read mind the following;
- the construction of the sentences, it should depict exactly what you are trying to say or impart to your readers
- the minor details such as the linking verbs, subject substitution as well as the punctuation marks, as minor as they are, they also affect the overall impact of the essay

- the presentation of the article, when you write, whether it is a draft or your final essay, make sure that you present your articles in a way that it is properly done, not overcrowded and with a logical sequence.

Last but not the least, when you write, make sure to create that connection to your readers, this a very valuable and notable aspect of a writer. I hope to review more of your essays soon.


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