Dear moderators,
This is my first post in the forum. I'm trying to get admission in Masters by research degree (Telecommunications) for University Of Melbourne. I've prepared a Statement Of Purpose regarding this. Since this is my first SOP, I would be much obliged if you check and suggest modifications, thank you.
A child of the Science and Technology Era, I've developed a rather profound and intuitive fascination in exploring different electronic gadgets, especially with regard to their construction and operation, even before reaching my teen years. It was evident to me that I not only wanted to learn for myself, but also for helping others with my knowledge. This eventually led to a number of hilarious and disastrous adventures, such as the time when I erased parts video cassettes kept at home, just to learn the functions of the 'forbidden' record button in the VCR, or when I locked my father's first cellular phone while teaching the PUK code operations to the rest of my family. Despite such un-welcomed experiences, I didn't lose hope and continued to be deeply engrossed in my passion for learning and teaching about electronic instruments with much alertness as I grew up. This prompted me to excel in such subjects as General Science and Mathematics, along with applying my knowledge to perform general operation & repairing of appliances around the house as needed. Later, when I was successful in my efforts of enrolling into the science group as my secondary school years commenced, my lifelong love for electronics got me "hooked" into computers, the ultimate door to Information & Communication Technology (ICT). Therefore, I chose to learn more about ICT and ultimately decided to teach it as a future profession, selecting Computer Studies and Elective Mathematics as my elective subjects for my secondary and higher secondary studies. After completing both, I enrolled myself into the degree of BSc. In Information Technology in University of Information Technology & Sciences to gratify my yearning for acquiring productive ICT knowledge to educate others. However, after completing 32 credits there, I decided to expand my educational experiences in a broader aspect and got myself transferred to East West University for the more resourceful program of BSc. in Information & Communication Engineering.
During my undergraduate studies, the zeal for sharing my knowledge with others kept rising and I gladly started assisting fellow students for their studies. For the final two years of my studies at East West University, I began to realize the importance of study specialization and found out myself leaning towards a more specific study area comprising the Telecommunication technology. It was the motivation of my respected teachers, most notably Professor Dr. M. Ruhul Amin, the then Dean for the faculty Of Science & Engineering and Assistant Professor Mr. Mustafa Mahmud Hussain, my Internship supervisor, which become the most influential factor for me to devotedly engage in studying Telecommunication courses as final year electives. The admiration towards Telecommunication studies that started with Dr. Amin's Digital Communications course, continued through courses like Wireless Communications, Wireless Networks & Telecommunication Network Management, all taught by Mr. Hussain. After completing my undergraduate studies, my urge to follow the footsteps of my highly regarded educators encouraged me to increase my level of knowledge and I decided to apply for the degree of MPhil-Engineering (Masters by Research) in the much eminent University Of Melbourne, one of the pioneers in Telecommunications research today. I would also like to concentrate for a PhD in the same institute after completing my Masters studies.
I believe that as a responsible human being, we should always set our career goals focusing on lending a helping hand towards others, no matter what we do for living in the future. This prompted me to get engaged in various voluntary extra-curricular activities along with concentrating on my studies. Along with assisting others, especially needy children, as well as friends and younger family members to prepare for their respective studies, I put my efforts in being a responsible citizen of my dearest motherland, Bangladesh. For example, I resorted to offer my services to perform the duty of a polling agent in the last national parliament election held on 29th December, 2008. My responsibilities included observation of the voting process, the actions of the vote casters, officials, and security personnel etc. to ensure that an impartial & successful election was held and the voting rights of each voter were properly utilized. Additionally, I remained an active member of the East West University Telecommunications Club (EWUTC) from 2007 to 2009 and volunteered in different organizational activities like arranging seminars, cultural functions, picnics etc. for the students. I even took part in different cultural activities to raise awareness about our history, our culture and our birth as an independent nation by performing in solo acts, plays, recitations etc. Throughout my life, I grew up with the ideology of my dearest parents stating that we should always live for others, not ourselves, to lead a meaningful life as a human being. This has greatly inspired me to lend my services to others unconditionally if given the opportunities to gather the required understanding for doing so, through resourceful learning.
Considering the highly resourceful environment of University Of Melbourne which is presently ranked as the 36th best among all the universities around the globe, I feel that it would be the perfect background to pursue my higher studies. I strongly believe that the research activities within my intended courses there would successfully help me building up my expertise for the study of Telecommunications in such a way that I would turn out to be a much constructive mentor to my pupils. Therefore I hope that I would be given the chance to pursue my desired education for the degree of MPhil-Engineering (Masters by Research) in the much acclaimed University Of Melbourne.
Hi Ishita! Welcome!
Do not use &.
write "and"
Being a child of the Science & Technology era, I've had a keen & deep interest in exploring different various electronic ...
This eventually lead to many hilarious as well as disastrous adventures like my accidental erasing of parts of our video cassette collection just to see how the "forbidden" record button ...I love it! very good... I just made a small change to improve it.
...Studies as my elective subject for both my secondary & higher secondary studies. (end this paragraph here)
New paragraph:
After completing higher secondary studies, I enrolled myself into the degree of BSc. In Information Technology in
I believe that as a responsible human being, we should always set our career goals focusing on lending a helping hand towards others, no matter what we do for living. in the future This is a great theme to use. I just chopped off some words at the end.
Here, too... this is very good---> Throughout my life, I grew up with the motto taught by my dearest parents that we should live for others, not ourselves, to lead a meaningful life as a human being. This has greatly inspired me ...
This is a wonderful essay. I just want to suggest that you use more paragraphs. Modern people have small attention spans. Write paragraphs with 4 or 5 sentences, maybe 6.
End the first paragraph with a POWERFUL sentence that expresses your main idea and makes a connection between your plan and your philosophy about using your field of expertise to positively impact others.
That thesis sentence should go at the end of an intro paragraph. I think you need to add an intro paragraph before the beginning of the paragraph that is currently paragraph #1. Know what I mean? Tack an intro paragraph onto the beginning of this essay, and give a thesis statement that expresses the main idea(s).
Now please go give feedback and ideas to some other people. Essay Forum is so busy, and you are such a skillful writer... I need your help to keep up with all the essays! :-)
Ishita,
I am glad to see that you made some of the corrections. Perhaps you might want to consider indenting with your paragraphs, or skip a line between them, as it will look cleaner. I, too, will look forward to seeing your re-write!
Mark
