data field - the area that attracts me the most
Hi , I would like to get some feedback from my statement of purpose draft. I would appreciate every suggestion.
Data science demand have been increased overtime due to the growth of new technologies and the need of data-driven decision making. Since studied in bachelor's degree, my interest of data science has grown stronger by the time passes. I have finished my bachelor's degree at XXX in Computer Engineer, thus wide range of computer science is my expertise, including network, software engineering, parallel programming, data analyst and also big data. Nevertheless, the area that attract me the most is still be the data field. In time of bachelor's degree study, I have explored broad range of techniques and theory of data science such as statistics behind machine learning, data mining, data transform and data analysts also include deep learning and big data tools, furthermore my main focus is lie on 2 parts, one of it is become researcher another one is in business field. In case that I am able to do research further I will dedicate myself to pursuit for further education but if I successfully apply to companies, I will change my career path to Business Analyst.
After succeeding read the program module for data science and the research that XXX focus on, this information help encourage me to apply for Master Degree immediately. One of the research focus that I interest is Nonlinear processes in geosciences and astrophysics, which I believe that it need data scientist to collect,analyst and may need to create visual from the large amount of data, also experience in field of data from internship at National University of Singapore (NUS) as a researcher have improve my technical skill with large amount of data. The main reasons I choose this topic is to clarify the doubtfulness of myself in the astronomy and discover the myst of the space that can be calculated with the right tools and the right data. Apart from research, in term of career path, since I have been working as a software engineering for a year, the knowledge of database and problem solving skill are developing overtime and I am ready to study further in the business area in order to move my career into business analyst.
There is no doubt that German offer an excellent education systems. I believe that XXX master degree course in data science will provide the ideal balance between theory and practical application to become a marvelous data scientist, in addition, the industry internship will help shaping myself into suitable data scientist that ready for facing the real world problems.@guiaria
Hi there! Let's work through your essay.
First and foremost, I'm going to put down a few notes to be mindful of when you are writing.
When speaking writing technicalities, it is crucial that you try not to overburden your sentences. When you are trying to extend your thoughts in more specific details, you have to ensure that you are relaying the information as clear as possible. The only way to do this is to construct simpler sentences that are intact in terms of what information they wish to relay. Remember that short and sweet is what's important. In addition to this, bear in mind that formal language has to be implemented as you are writing.
For instance, taking a look at your first paragraph, try the following revisions:
The demand for data science has seen an upscale trend. The growth of new technology has witnessed the need for more programs on digitized decision-making. Since my undergraduate studies, my interest in the field has grown.* I finished my bachelor's at xxx in computer engineering; I have explored the wider range of computer science including networking, software engineering, parallel programming, data analysis, and big data.** [...]
*Notice how I had created a more concise sentence through omitting lines that are unnecessary. This includes, for example, removing the part where you made mention of data science because you had already introduced this earlier in the paragraph.
**Be consistent with your usage of terms/words. The form is crucial when you are writing.
In terms of content, I would recommend extending and developing your writing into your long-term plans. Personal statements require that you showcase that your professional and academic goals are in line with the said program. Having said that, while you were able to give a brief idea of what you want to do with the degree, going into detail as to how you would be able to integrate these sets of knowledge into the working blocks of your profession would be beneficial for your application.
Keep us updated. Best of luck to your writing!
