I'm applying to a new field. Would this work? Give me any comments you feel after reading..!
Since this is SOP + PS (schools use both terms) for master degree that is 'professional', I wanted to know if my passion on this new field i'm entering into conveys well, and if the essay is convincing. Thank you in advance..!!!!!
Just general type of SOP questions, but I will choose one for the computer science for non-major program i'm applying to;
Question:"All applicants should use the personal statement to describe academic, career, and, if applicable, research objectives, as well as any other information you wish to convey.
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I learned the structures of the city, but what connects people in the present with these structures is the the software, technology. When I lived in Rome, water system in Trastevere went down for days. Instantly, Rome lost its connection to the present city; only its structures remained. That day as the professor shouted how Romans enjoyed a privilege of amenities for their days in front of the aqueducts of the city, one idea hit me: because Rome is the city of the past, its technology only served people of the past. I learned the physical structures, but in essence, I wanted to address people and their needs of the present. This realization opened my eyes to see what was beneath the hardware: the software of intricate webs of information and interactions between humans and technology. With the field's immense flexibility and variety in both its formation and impacts, I believe that computer is my 'water' that I will use to maximize the potential of individuals and ultimately, our world.
As a city planner, I enjoyed defining and solving problems, playing with different disciplines and stakeholders pertaining to the cities. Studying such complexities was a fascination, but I also had the commensurate desire to see direct and sometimes tangible service or products interacting close with the users. Pursuing a career in city planning would allow stable lifestyle, but I decided to take one year to explore different fields of interests. Having been interested in social sciences, I worked as a research assistant at ____university___ compiling data on social enterprises in Asia and visualizing how Impact Funds are transferred to the developing countries. While researching, I devoured hours of reading books and created my weekly "seminar" by attending diverse conferences around the city. After contemplation and investigation, I digged out my long-held interest that existed since I won the web-design award at age 10: computer and information technology.
Uplifted by this new passion, I decided to work at _company_. I managed myself to work at the team '_ consisted of experienced developers, designers, and product managers who worked on the cutting-edge encyclopedia section. I researched on various news and educational apps for children, made comparison charts, and analyzed conversion patterns using the databases. Every week, I presented the findings with data-driven solutions on how to improve the user experience. I also shared this experience in the __'s magazine" Within months, over 3000 readers subscribed to my web magazine, and my name was quoted by the website as the "IT expert writer". This experience has exposed me to the professional ecosystem of a tech corporation and cemented my interests.
Meanwhile, I felt impaired for the lack of formal academic background in technology. Wishing to learn UX design, I applied to a UX camp where I learned user-centered approach by iterating prototypes through user surveys and ideation processes. I enjoyed doing the teamwork, but our team's strong prototypes did not lead to creating real products since we did not know how to build. So I joined coding camps to learn programming. Starting from C, I am and will continue to invest vast amount of time on building.
My strength in ideating has been reflected during my participation in the__ Hackathon. __ are not at all interested in agriculture because of the high density and detachment to the farming scenes in. I persuaded my team to create VR/AR educational platforms to familiarize the next generation with farming techniques. I wanted to use this Hackathon project to use technology that would keep balance between the unemployment rate in the cities and labor shortage in the farming industry. Above all, we took privilege of the recent technology to enable the next generation to experience farming for everyone, equally. My passion sparked, and I forgot I did not sleep. My team won the prize from the mayor. I dream one day to build my own serious games to combine technology with education, providing every child with interactive and affordable way of learning.
My college years have indeed best prepared me study the field of computer science. I acquired qualitative and quantitative methods that prepared me to become a flexible researcher. My study provided me not only the contents, but also the 'context' of the place where we locate ourselves. For instance, maps and consensus data, without context, are incomplete. I familiarized myself with data through courses such as GIS, and with HCI through 'Human Factors Design & Engineering' and other interdisciplinary courses on society, people and environments. I also honed skills necessary to become a leader. I was a founder of an organization that donated books to Korean orphans, a media chair of 'NK Focus' to inform human rights violations in North Korea, a data researcher for Samsung's architecture company, and more. Through these experiences, I became a flexible, adaptable leader, ready take on any challenges that lie ahead.
MCIT program will fully support ambition to specialize in computing and technology. I want to work with the most recent and intricate tool in our history, and use it to change the way we think. I intend to both offer my knowledge in space and learn how computer can maximize efficiency and productivity of our everyday lives. For instance, I want to take professor Zach Ives' course to learn how to integrate the vast quantity of data into a useful format. By taking the core courses, I will deepen my understanding of computer science and problem solving while learning practical skills to program. Upon completion of my graduate degree, I am sure that these courses would lead me to an interdisciplinary, and yet specialized, T-shaped professional role in tech industry. In a long term, I want to become a pioneer in utilizing computer technology to empower underprivileged. For instance, I want to found my own tech business based on Korea or the US uses IT that solves urban problems we face in our growing cities. I believe your program will be the stepping stone.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,864 
4788 Clabee, there is room for improvement in your essay. Since you are allowed to combine both the personal and purpose of your study in this essay, you should aim for clarity and chronology in your writing. That means you will have to reformat the essay to properly project your interest development, training, and finally, your purpose. I would use the discussion format for a statement of purpose here because it would totally cover the personal side as well.
For starters. I would open the statement with my reason for higher study. Opt to present your career projection or seemingly lack of skills to help you advance your career. This way, you can automatically present your personal desire for higher studies. The supporting statement will be stronger because it will not rely on your exposure to Italy and its architecture but rather, your own ideas and plans regarding urban planning and how your country suffers because of a lack of proper planning.
For the second paragraph, offer the information regarding your academic background. Skip the part about the award you won when you were 10 years old. That is not as impressive as you think. If you won anything during your college years, make sure to mention that. Mention any internships that you participated in as well. The statement of purpose side of this discussion should be the priority for you because that essentially allows you to mention everything important to your application. Don't delve too much on your college years, just mention the important bits then move on to your professional life.
The part about your being a published writer is of high importance to your application as this shows how far advanced your mindset or learning is in the field currently is. If you have any other articles pending publication, mention the title and an overview of the topic you discussed in it. That is, if it is related to your masters course.
It is towards the final paragraph of the essay where you should talk about the personal you. This is where you place the civic activities and other related information. A word of caution, try to not seem too serious in this portion. Talk about how you unwind and relax as well. The idea will be to show the reviewer that you have the ability to balance an demanding career, academics, and your personal life simultaneously.
