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How studying in your chosen specialization will help you achieve your goals? MM - Mahidol University

mjsty 1 / -  
Nov 14, 2023   #1
In order to stand out from the crowd, I am always eager to take part in thinking tank activities to carry out my abilities during my BSc study in Public Administration. Had the opportunities to write the papers by providing recommendations to exempt Indonesia out of the circle of poverty as University delegation and become a declarator to represent 15 Universities across Indonesia. Elected as a President of the Public Administration Student Association and successfully held South-East Asia Governance Forum to introduce Public Administration. And these activities led me to become a university's scholarship awardee as one of many outstanding students.

After completing my BSc in Public Administration, I've decided to pursue my career in Business and Automotive Industry that encompassed me through quantitative knowledge and business exposure for the last 3 years. As a Market Intelligent, I spend my day by overseeing industry trends through analyzing market and vehicle segments, analyzing area from macro into micro-level, and identifying Electric Vehicle (EV) business growth for electrification goals in my country. Involved in a market research project for product life cycle to gather insight and feedback for product improvement. Working together with multiple agencies and maximizing research tools to deliver research insight and define further strategy for the company I have currently working with.

Although my background was in contrast, I believe that this became my uniqueness. As my abilities and experiences brought me to have Business and Management knowledge, which are important to tackle future challenges of industry demand that are rapidly growing. With my goals to become a business leader, I always have a thirst in terms of numbers, digging deeper into millions of data and analyzing to seek for strategic decisions that could impact a company's revenue has driven me to move further to achieve it.

I am convinced that studying abroad with CMMU will assist me to unleash my potential to achieve my goals by enriching me with management and business knowledge. Perfect program for me who wants to learn management from the basics by understanding marketing and management practices from a global perspective. In the end, I am keen to become a valuable leader that is equipped with Public and Business Management knowledge will be my main competitive edge for my leadership as an Individual, my company I've worked with, and contribute meaningfully to my country.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,941 4806  
Nov 27, 2023   #2
The main problem with this essay is that you do not speak in complete sentences. It is almost as if you are using bullet point references in the presentation. This sort of presentation would make sense as bullet points, but not as paragraphs. There is a lack of sense, focus, targeted discussion, when the presentation is made using only highlights and bits of information. It does not serve to inform the reviewer. Rather, it confuses the reviewer because you are not making any logical sense in your explanation sentences. You have to revise the essay to become complete in reference. That means, lose the bullet point presentations. Present the information in complete sentences and comprehensive paragraphs. This method of presentation does not help your application at all.

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