The summer I turned 18, I held my first job at the USAFA; MS in Finance Application Essay

Each Essay is suppose to be approx 200words in length. MS Finance and Risk Management

1. How will the MBA/MS degree enhance your career plans? Project the kinds of positions you anticipate having five years after earning the degree. What experiences have you had that form the foundation of your goals?

The summer I turned 18, I held my first job at the USAFA. There I worked full-time diligently saving for the coming year of college. Seeing my work ethic and dedication to budgeting, my parents graciously matched what I had earned in an E-Trade ROTH IRA, explaining to me that it was my responsibility to invest and protect my savings. Since that day, I've continually developed a deep knowledge for the trade further fueling my passion. Receiving an MS in Finance and Risk Management would help fulfill my aspirations of honing my knowledge of financial markets, while building on the foundational knowledge I acquired pursuing my BA in Economics. Having this tiered knowledge of economic markets and financial analytics, I'm confident I'll be fully positioned to know my workings around the complicated world of finance. Simultaneously, while studying for my MS I'll be pursuing to get my certification in financial planning, (CFP). I aspire to work my way into becoming a well-respected Financial Advisor, thus it's critical I gain the skills for this field to ensure my reputability. The projects I anticipate to be working in 5 years time are mid-size investments for a large-scale financial firm.

2. Give a candid appraisal of yourself. Include some discussion of your strengths and weaknesses.

Growing up in a military household, we never stayed in one place long. Frequently moving all over the world, I was enrolled in the Japanese schooling system for over 7 years, attended various military schools and was often forced to move mid-school year placed into completely new surroundings and friend groups. Though at times this put some strain on our family, we always endured and I developed a strong sense for who I truly am through the process.

Having experienced various cultures, I've eliminated any disillusions of myself and harbor a drive to fulfill who I desire to become. My greatest strength is my mindset and form of thought. Being able to adapt between micro and macro perspectives, I've always had a strong innate ability to see through problems and look at issues objectively. I aspire to use this skill in the financial industry, accounting for key events and turning points to accurately assess the most efficient and rewarding investments.

Determined to reach the next stepping-stone and further propel myself, I bring an unwavering work ethic and discipline to the table. Admittedly, with such uncertainty ahead it fills me with an all too familiar anxiety.

4. Describe your level of commitments to education and the ways in which you might make a special contribution to the learning experience of others.

I value education as one of the most important assets a person could invest in. The significance of pursuing an education and developing a deep impassioned form of thought allows individuals to break out of the norm and excel at what they desire to accomplish. Having been a student all my life, study is not only something I've become accustomed to but something that's become essential.

My best experiences learning have been through participating in things first hand with others. Working with the people around you reinforces your experience and allows for a better grasp of the material to be formed. My devotion to an education from the University of Colorado Denver would be attended with my utmost focus and the gravity of a full-time occupational position. By accepting me as a future student I would bring a unique and empowering spirit to the school, working with the students around me to benefit from each other maximizing our potential.

Your experiences and goals are impressive. When reading your responses to each essay prompt, the first thing that stands out is lack of clarity and flow. You want to be as concise as possible while inserting the most prominent details--those details that attract the reader's attention and make them have to continue reading. Several sentences throughout can be combined and strengthened to both reduce space and drive your points home. In response to the first prompt, consider the following example to see how the words flow and the impact is stronger.

Prompt 1: Sentences can be combined for clarity. For example:
When I turned 18, I obtained my first job at the USAFA, where I worked full-time while saving for college. My parents recognized my work ethic and interest in budgeting and rewarded my efforts by matching my E-Trade ROTH IRA earnings. I have continually developed my knowledge for the trade, which has motivated my desire to pursue an MS in Finance and Risk Management and my desire to purse a BA in Economics. Having a tiered knowledge of economic markets and financial analytics, I am confident in my ability to navigate the complicated world of finance. While pursuing an MS, I will also work to obtain a certification in financial planning. My goal is to become a well-respected financial advisor. I aim to work with mid-size investments within a large-scale financial firm within the first 5 years after graduating.

Using these techniques in your other responses will result in strong responses that capture and retain attention.

Yea I struggle with that. I'm ESL (English as a second language) so sentence flow isn't something that comes naturally to me.

- I can tell that you are familiar with the career progression of a Financial Adviser and yet you have refrained from actually presenting a 5 year career plan for yourself as the prompt dictates. YOu could have simply glossed over your E-Trade Roth IRA and totally skipped your parents participation of matching your earnings because their presence in the story did not really add any important information about your career development, which is the main focus of the essay. In my opinion, you should have taken the most important lesson you learned while dealing with the ROTH IRA and used that to present the basis of your 5 year career plan. As we know, the career path of a financial advisor does not have a tendency to progress upward. Regardless of how long you work in the position, you will still be a FA. However, with this success comes the power to grow your portfolio of clients with increasing incomes. So perhaps you should let us know instead if you plan on sticking it out with an investment firm for 5 years or more or if you plan to break out within 5 years and how you plan to grow your career once you have gone out on your own. That will remove the predictability of the answer to these types of questions.


- While your first two paragraphs came out strong and informative, you floundered with depicting your frame of thought with the third paragraph. It seems to contain an unfinished thought. That is why it seems confusing to read. You are supposed to be candid in your self appraisal. Yet the last sentence in your appraisal is anything but that. I suggest that you delete the last paragraph instead because it does not help[/quote]

- You are not being asked to defend the kind of student you will be if you are admitted into the school. Instead, the essay is asking you to concentrate upon how you can improve the student community of the university through your love of learning and your desire to share knowledge. You should concentrate on developing an answer along those lines. Maybe something along the lines of starting a mentoring / tutorial group for the students who may struggle in class before they fail. The mentoring group could be free of charge because it will your special contribution to the learning experience of others. Or something like that.

I realize that you have word limitations on the essays. If you keep paying attention to the word count though, you end up with these kinds of essays, solidly thought out but little developed. My advice to you would be to not worry about the word count for now. Just honestly answer the questions and when you feel you have the perfect answers put together, post the essay here so we can begin to revise the essay to bring down the word count :-)