Dear All,
would you please review my essay if you got a chance. Note that I'm not an English native speaker. I would extremely appreciate any help on grammar, syntax and general sense mistakes.
Thanks a lot.
Before writing their own essays most of the applicants try to do a small research about other's works by, for example, reading on-line samples. Though I definitely know what is my most important achievement so far, I did this kind of job as well. Thus now I realize quite seriously ï my achievements are hackneyed. I have never rescued anyone's life, I do not speak ten different foreign languages, I have no Olympic awards, and I have never flown into space. Nevertheless, notwithstanding the whole banality of below, I do really proud of my attainment.
Being a final-year student I decided that that was a time to start my career building. Instead of waiting for assignment after graduation, I made up my mind to take fortune into my own hands and try to find a serious job in my specialty.
This turned out not that easy as I thought in the beginning. First, not many employers wanted to hire person without experience. Especially they did not want someone who had not graduated yet. Second, even among those who did agree to hire me it was quite difficult to find an adequate place to work.
Finally, I succeed and got fixed up in a job at Qulix Systems JSC. I started as an Office Manager with wide range of duties including search for candidates and participation in job interviews. Of course, this was not quite exactly the job I had been thinking about since the first year of my undergraduate study. But the company was very small and had serious plans for growth and development, so I thought that with due diligence and efforts I could grow up along with the company.
At the beginning it was not that simple. First, it was literally my first full time work experience. Second, at the same period I had to work on my graduation thesis and to prepare for state graduation examinations. From 9 am to 1 pm I am working at the office. At 1 pm I rush to the university to meet my advisor and discuss my thesis. By 3 pm I am back in the office and I am absorbed in my work for the rest of the workday and a little bit longer. Then I return to a noisy student's dormitory and get down to study. Such a crazy day was not a rare thing.
In three months I had been promoted to Human Resources Manager (HRM). Thus I became the first person among my group mates who had gotten a job in specialty earlier than diploma. And I was extremely happy to do the job which I always wanted to. My work was getting more and more interesting. I organized a range of very important HRM processes, initiated several long-term HRM projects, and took part in developing company's PR strategies. I felt like I was one of those people who brought the company up.
It is quite pleasantly for me to realize that in spite of my youth and lack of experience I was able to become a part of the new team, and to do my work with maximum responsibility and efficiency. So I consider my career at Qulix as my so far the most serious achievement, but believe that I am able for much higher progress and I hope, this is just a question of time.
Delete your entire first paragraph. You shouldn't be focusing on what you didn't do in this sort of essay.
"This turned out not that easy as I thought in the beginningto be more difficult than I had initially expected ."
"Second, even among those who did agree to hire me it was quite difficult to find an adequate place to work. " This needs more explanation.
"I thought that with due diligence and efforts I could grow up along with the company. "
"From 9 am to 1 pm I worked at the office. At 1 pm I rushed to the university to meet my advisor and discuss my thesis. By 3 pm I was back in the office, and I am absorbed in my work for the rest of the workday and a little bit longer. Then I returned to a noisy student's dormitory and got down to studying . Such a crazy day was not a rare thing." Consistent and appropriate tense use will make your essay stronger.
Oh!! That's too bad! I really liked the first paragraph -- the honesty. However, the admissions person who reads this might not think the way I do, and I guess Sean is right!! However, it really is a cool paragraph.
In three months I had been promoted to Human Resources Manager (HRM). Thus I became the first person among my group mates who had gotten a job in a specialty before getting a diploma. And I was extremely happy to do the job which I always wanted to. My work was getting more and more interesting. I organized a range of very important HRM processes, initiated several long-term HRM projects, and took part in developing company's PR strategies. I felt like I was one of those people who brought the company up.
It is quite pleasant for me to realize that despite my youth and lack of experience, I was able to become a part of the new team, and to do my work with maximum responsibility and efficiency. So I consider my career at Qulix as my so far the most serious achievement, but I believe that I am capable of much more progress and I hope this is just a question of time.
Well done!! You do have some errors, but the important thing is that your intelligence shines right through the language barrier that you have almost completely overcome. Can you write a new introduction paragraph that tells about your fascination with people and your methodical approach to HRM? That would be great. You seem to have great potential. I hope I get to work for your company some day.
