Please help me review my personal statement because it is my first time to write such essay. Thank you in advance!
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
my admiration for Korea
I have always been dreaming to be able to study abroad as scholarship student since I was in Senior High School. As I grew up in small village there were not much information about scholarship opportunity to study abroad and people thought that study abroad will cost a lot of money. One day I saw news about my senior in Junior High School who would continue her study in Texas as a scholarship student after she graduated from Senior High School. After I saw that news, I became motivated to study abroad too like her. At that time, I have started to take interest in K-pop and Korean culture, so I tried to look for information about scholarship in Korea and I found out about Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP). Unfortunately, for undergraduate program the timing of new semester is slightly different from in Indonesia. After some consideration, I chose to pursue my undergraduate degree in Indonesia and will try to apply KGSP for my master degree.
I enrolled as undergraduate student at _______ in 2014. While taking my degree, I was also take a part as a treasurer in telecommunication engineering student union. I learn to setting budget for every division's program and keeping it balances between cash in and cash out. Fortunately, at the end of my job as treasurer there were no miscalculation on student union's budget. Beside that, I also took a part as a secretary in telecommunication engineering annual event. As a secretary, I learn to keep a track on progress of each division to be on time. At the end of the event, all the goals which the committee has set could be fulfilled. Both being a treasurer and secretary have greatly improved my communication skill and ability to work in a team.
In my third year as undergraduate student, I applied as an intern at telecommunication company, named ______. I worked there for 2 months as a Database Core Management Intern. For 2 months, I worked on migration of core management database of Fiber to the Home (FTTH) network. Furthermore, for the last 2 semesters, I become a laboratory work assistant in Telecommunication Engineering. My responsibility as laboratory work assistant is to conduct laboratory work smoothly and safely.
One of the reason why I want to study in Korea is my admiration for Korean music, culture and language. I have liked it since I was in Junior High School. As I listen and watch it frequently, I become curious about Korean language thus I learned it by myself little by little. I also join Korean class in my university so I can improve my Korean language skill. Moreover, as a Telecommunication engineering student, it amazed me how fast telecommunication and technology is advancing in South Korea. I want to learn more about wireless communication technology which can be develop in my country as there are still many areas uncovered by Internet and have not get a chance to engage with technology.
After graduated from Junior High School which is located around my village, I went to Senior High School which is located in different city. After that, I continue to pursue my undergraduate degree in Bandung Institute of Technology which is located in different province from my High School. In every phase of my student life I try to go to different places so I can meet many types of people and can learn about social culture in different places. Because I have to live far away from my parents, I could learn how to be independent and responsible so my parents will trust and support me for every decision that I take for my future.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Ainani, your essay is nowhere near delivering the relevant requirements for the KGSP scholarship. This sort of essay writing level is only good for an undergraduate application. Not a masters level application. Your responses are too simple and do not really reveal any preparation your part to become a masters degree student in Korea. Neither do you display any appropriate research experience that could indicate a solid foundation in the field you are applying to master as a student. You will need to create a totally new essay draft for your application.
Your educational experience should start from college. Discuss what made you decide to enroll in that major. How was your performance as a student? What notable achievements did you have? What sort of job did you get after graduation? Don't tell the reviewer about more than one internship experience. Not unless the internship experience that you have has the equivalent working hours required in relation to the scholarship. The work experience is vital to your application because your actions there dictate whether or not you truly require an advance study degree in this field.
Let me be clear, your motivation to apply for a Korean scholarship and your reason for studying in Korea cannot be related to K-Pop. That is the worst reason you can use because that means you have a superficial interest in the actual country and the education it is offering you. You must focus your motivation and reason to apply for the KGSP on its relationship with your profession in terms of theoretical and practical advancement in your field of work.
