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Posts by ebby2010
Joined: Aug 5, 2009
Last Post: May 2, 2011
Threads: 10
Posts: 51  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 61 / page 2 of 2
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ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

the first sentence did sound kinda awkward. thank you!

as far as finding one thing to focus on...well, i don't know if I will be able to answer the prompt completely if I focus on one thing. but i will definitely take that into consideration and see how it turns out.

thanks again! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

so i revised this paragraph some more and i need some final feedback please! =) thank you.

(the stuff in red is what i'm unsure about. it sounds awkward to me. please suggest anything. =)

As a student who seeks to broaden her horizons in a variety of subjects , I believe the University's Common Core would allow me to gain from a wide range of academics. My attitude towards education, similar to the University's, is that students benefit the most when they learn the tools of inquiry rather than learning facts . In addition, through the Socratic method of teaching, the University of Chicago promotes the exchange of ideas in a communal and creative atmosphere. This method, unlike instruction through lectures , relates to the style in which I learn best.

I hope to contribute to the Chicago community as well as benefit from the many attributes it has to offer.
ebby2010   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

Is college is indicative of success in life?
^ is this a typo? it doesn't really make sense.

College is like a serpentine voyage. A journey filled with physical stress and mental anguish; however, it is also a journey where autonomy is established, passion discovered and the value of friendship understood.

^ these 2 sentences should be combined or something. the second one isn't a complete sentence.
I suggest this:
College is like a serpentine voyage,a journey filled with physical stress and mental anguish.H owever, it is also a journey where autonomy is established, passion is discovered and the value of friendship is understood. <-- on the last part, i see what you're trying to do, but in order for the parallelism to work, i think the other 2 verbs (discovered and understood) need to have an 'is' in front of them just like the verb 'established' has.

...managing a hectic schedule is overwhelming at first, but, these are ... <-- delete the comma after 'but'

...and aid in the realization of one's life's goal <-- i think it would sound better if you delete 'life's' and make 'goal' plural. just a suggestion, though. if you don't agree, it's still ok.

After all, isn't it the ideal place where one finds theirhis or her future spouse?

Although it may not seem like it, the prodigious amount of work given in college is a tool meant to prepare students, not one meant to kill them. <-- "'meant" doesnt real;y sound good there. maybe use "designed" or something else. just a suggestion.

the only way them around is through. <-- huh??

Overall, i really enjoyed this essay. However, I think you should write more about yourself. This essay is your chance to show the colleges who you are.

As far as the length, i don't think it's too too long. I don't think there's much you can cut out.

great job!

if you can, check out my UChicago supplement. greatly appreciated! =)
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement--why school of natural sciences? [3]

This is my response to the question, "With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study?" This is part of the Rice supplement on the CommonApp. (and the school I chose was Wiess School of Natural Sciences)

Ever since I was young, my answer to the infamous question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" has always beeen "a doctor." I gravitated towards health care, because I enjoy helping people feel better and making significant discoveries to enhance the lives of others. The idea that I could save lives with my knowledge and experience makes me want to pursue this profession even more. I chose to apply to the Natural Sciences department at Rice, because it offers a biochemistry major, which will prepare me for medical school. A major in Biochemistry will allow me to explore the effects of diseases and chemicals on living things as well as fullfil my dream of conducting undergraduate research. My fascination for medicine also stems from my background. As an immigrant from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, my dream is to move back to my home country to build hospitals around poverty stricken areas. Many people in Ethiopia don't have access to affordable healthcare or medicine, and I hope to eradicate this problem by offering low cost services. My success means nothing to me unless I use it to give back to the community that raised me. A Bachelor of Science degree from the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice University is a wonderful start on the right track to my success.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks! :]

P.S. the character limit is 3000.
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

This is part of the Rice supplement on the commonapp that asks me to "upload a two-dimensional, scannable image of something that appeals to you."

I asked a few people about ideas, and I just wanted some more opinions.
My first thought was to upload a picture of a slice of cheesecake, because well...I love cheesecake, and it appeals to me. :]
Then, I was also thinking of uploading something calculus-related or just math in general, because I am a super math geek, and I thought it would be a giid way to convey one of my passions.

So, what do you guys think?

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Thank you! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

thanks bluekleenexx,
I see what you mean about the cheesecake thing. And about the Golden Gate Bridge, that's actually a pretty creative idea, but I dont think it is allowed to add any type of explanation. But thanks for the ideas! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

krazzikittie: actually, this isn't an essay. All that it requires is for me to upload an image of something that appeals to me.

Notoman: I like your idea of uploading something original and making a Julian-Opie style image, but sadly I don't have Photoshop. I'll see if I can get access to it somehow, but if not, I'll have to think of something else similarily creative. Thanks a lot for your help!
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / BU: how became interested? [11]

Hey :]
I think it's a pretty well written answer. However, I think you should include a little more about what you want to do and how it relates to BU. But its a great essay nonetheless. And the last sentence is kind of...just thrown in there without much thought. Maybe try blending it with the previous sentence?

P.S. Did you get into UChicago? (or did you not apply early?)
ebby2010   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

NuclearTide: actually, it is required, whether you're submitting the application online or by paper. And although it may not be "serious", it is a part of the application nonetheless, and the admissions counselors do take it into consideration when reviewing your application.

iqbalhasan0: I think taking a photograph is a good idea, especially if you are into photography. And it's probably a better idea to upload something original.

simplyjuil: I think uploading a picture of a soccer player is a good way of conveying your interests to the admissions team.

thanks everyone for your contributions! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

This is just the introduction to my Rice supplement. Is it a good beginning? Ant suggestions are greatly appreciated! :)

Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

I have matured and grown in so many transformational ways since I first set foot on American soil on February 2000. I was an eight year old girl thrown into an unfamiliar setting, forced to learn and adapt into a different culture very quickly. Mastering a new language, advancing to American teaching standards, and learning new concepts were a few of the challenges I faced as an immigrant from Ethiopia. The life experiences I have had as a foreigner in America have borne in me certain characteristics that set me apart from others. My circumstances have made me who I am today, and my perspective is a product of my tribulations, failures, and successes.

Moving to the U.S. wasn't just about a new beginning; it also caused me to develop a better understanding of my Ethiopian culture. The general belief is that my generation will slowly lose their touch with their Ethiopian heritage and be completely influenced by the West. On the contrary, I am proud to say that I still hold true to many Ethiopian traditions, and some have intertwined with American ones. Consequently, I have developed a cross-cultural identity that encompasses aspects of both my native country and my new home of America.
ebby2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale: Catholic Church [7]

However, my feelings in opposition to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt something very different in my heart. <-- what did you feel that was "very different"?

With this said, although I am undecided about which major I want to take in the Math/Science department, I am not discouraged by how challenging those classes are going to be. <-- I don't think this sentence is necessary.

I think this is a well-written essay. Just try to be a little mroe specific about how you developed different feelings than the Catholic Church.

hope this helps! :)
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / UChicago Essay- Outgrowing [3]

"My new school did not have a grassy sports field.I nstead the school yard was just a concrete space surrounded by metal fencing."

"In addition,..."

"At the young age of 11 however..."

In the end, you say that moving to the city has "made you who you are". I think you should expand more about HOW the city CHANGED you. You did well at stating the differences between the city and the suburbs, but you should say more about what that meant to you.

Also, go back and read the prompr really carefully, and make sure you answered EVERYTHING that it asks for.

Other than that, your essay was really great! Hope this helps! Good luck! =D

can you read my essay for Rice please?
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

ummm... i thought so. How about using "instilled" instead?

Is the rest of the essay good?
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Activities Essay - Humanitarian Group [5]

I agree. I think you should expand more on what it meant to you, what you learned and/or how you grew from the experience. That's what colleges love to see!

And if you need more room to expand, I suggest deleting the second sentence: Neglected, because of publicity focused toward the north, in the Sudan, and toward the Iraq War, they are not receiving the help they need.

Can you read my rice essay please?
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

Wow! this is amazing! it's so personal and really captures your personality!
Kevin's comment is dead on. Stating the main idea at the end of the paragraph will definitely strengthen your essay.

Also, i think the last paragraph uses the word "happy"/"happiness" too much. maybe try some synonyms?

But other than that, I have no criticisms. This essay is really great!
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

thansk a lot roma91! that helps a lot. I've been trying to think of a certain moment in my life to write about so it would be more interesting rather than just summarizing my life. I'll see what I can come up with. Thanks again!
ebby2010   
Feb 2, 2010
Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

I have an interview for Harvard tonight, and I was wondering if anyone who has had a Harvard interview (or just anyone in general) has some suggestions/pointers? Maybe some questions that Harvard is likely to ask?

I know the typical 'be yourself/dress professional/smile a lot' advice. I was hoping for something else helpful.

Thanks in advance! =)
ebby2010   
May 2, 2011
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

How to delete my old posts / thread?

Hi,

I made some posts about college essays and such a couple of years ago, but I wanted to delete all of them, and maybe even just delete my essayforum account all together, but I can't find where to do that?

Any ideas?

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