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Posts by keilinger
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: Mar 9, 2010
Threads: 9
Posts: 44  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 53 / page 2 of 2
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keilinger   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Supplemental Essay: Transforming Stones into Diamonds [8]

It's extremely well-written, one of the best I've read on this site. It would have been easy to write a cliched essay about loving to learn, but you've done a good job of sending the message in such a way that it rings true. I'm just a little uncertain about how the quote at the beginning ties in with anything. Anyhow, great job!

You're clearly an amazing writer with great style, and I'd greatly esteem your opinion.. Would you mind reading some of the essays I've posted here? I'm been having trouble with the Common App essay (written two, don't know which one to choose), so any help would be appreciated!
keilinger   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Diversity Weekend program' - reasons for applying to Hamilton [5]

You should get another opinion on this, but I really think you should leave out "College is mainly to prepare one for their future career," as Hamilton is a liberal arts college, and as such, will not want their students to use them as merely a stepping stone from high school to career. LACs tend to put the emphasis on teaching its students to have a well-rounded education.
keilinger   
Dec 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Kermit the Frog lamented that it's not easy being green. Do you agree? [4]

Thanks, Southern Bella! This is Tuft's supplement essay, but although it's technically an essay, I sense that it is okay to have the list because of the nature of the prompt. How does it read, in general? Does the list make it harder to read?
keilinger   
Dec 12, 2009
Writing Feedback / Kermit the Frog lamented that it's not easy being green. Do you agree? [4]

Dear Kermit,

I can sympathize with you, Kermit. Being green is not as easy as public service announcements would have you think.

Reasons why:
1.Seventh Generation toilet paper is to fine grain sandpaper as Charmin is to fluffy clouds.
2.Constructing a compost bin from wooden slats and nails is no easy feat. The task took me five hours, though I suppose you would have a rougher time. I can't imagine handling a hammer without opposable thumbs..

3.Organic eggs are $1.62 more per dozen.
4.A high standard of living has spoiled us. In the 1950s, families collected mailings of Sears Roebucks catalogs and used them in place of toilet paper. In modern terms, each page is probably equivalent to six squares of toilet paper. But we don't use sheets from a catalog now; instead, we complain about toilet paper being single-ply or too rough.

5.Greenwashing. It's hard to know what you're buying is actually green as the claims say without deferring to Google. According to the Guardian, at least 98% of 'environmentally-friendly' claims are false or exaggerated. How will being environmentally aware help in the store when you can't rely on more than 2% of product claims to be 100% truthful?

Yet, despite the hindrances, one needs only two compelling reasons why we should strive to minimize our carbon footprints. The first is that we all have a moral responsibility to leave things as we found them. Since you hang out on PBS all the time, I'm probably preaching to the choir here.

But the second reason is this: Optimism is the only option. Being pessimistic, or worse, turning the other cheek, will accomplish nothing. If we consider that every single thing we do has an impact on the planet- good or bad, it makes sense to choose well. Choose to walk instead of drive, eat meat less often, learn about the thousands upon thousands little actions you can take to green each aspect of your life. The options are endless, which means that more often than not, it won't be difficult to find a green option that won't leave you feeling miffed because the toilet paper you recently tried left you sore. I recommend Green Forest toilet paper, because it is whitened without chlorine, 100% recycled, and just as soft as Charmin.

Regards,
Anita

Thanks for reading! I don't like how I ended it; it's rather abrupt. Any ideas? Also, does anyone know if I need to cite the Guardian article?
keilinger   
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Commonapp: Jack Sparrow vs Personal Experience [4]

Definitely the second one. The conclusion in the first essay is strong, but throughout the middle, I kept wondering how you had gone from getting lost to vowing to be an independent person. I also feel that many of the sentences are overdramatic, such as this one: "That's also why I am more determined than ever to attend university, because since that day I have been waiting for the opportunity to prove to myself that I can be an independent and responsible person."

That said, they are both well-written. Which one are you leaning towards?
keilinger   
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay about myself for Georgetown-feedback [7]

Wow, this is incredible. I don't know how if you should address your ACT scores in your essay, but it seems to fit neatly in your message. "my God-given talents" may come off as arrogance, but you should get another opinion on this. On the whole, a unique, well-written essay. I can only speak from the standpoint of a h.s. senior, but the essay paints you as a very, very likeable person.
keilinger   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Eccentric, influential person essay or electricity-generating bike essay? [4]

I'm having trouble picking an essay for the Common App. Which one do you like better? Also, the first is a little over the word limit. If, as you're reading, you can pick out delete-able sentences, please let me know. :-) All other corrections are welcome, too. Thanks for reading!!!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Last September, Mr. Shimmon began leaping from the corner of one desk to another. Vault, spring off, vault, spring off. He gets two desks in two seconds. What other teacher would have put on a frenzied show to teach his students about the carefully calculated impulses of the body's neurological action potential?

From Day 1, I knew the class would inevitably instill in me a love of psychology. Yet, it wouldn't be until later that I would realize: Mr. Shimmon's inexhaustible passion for his work taught the most important lesson of all.

As a first-generation Chinese-American, I have always been taught to see education as a pre-professional experience. My parents preach practicality, periodically reminding me of the viability of a career in pharmacology. I don't accuse them of not wanting me to be happy and well-adjusted; it's the opposite. In their view, a well-paying job necessarily equates with happiness. It's understandable; my parents used to farm for a living and they want me to be financially secure.

My parents' ideals have helped me become the self-motivated and hard-working person I am today. But those qualities alone do not adequately define me. Mr. Shimmon's approach to education -not a contrasting approach, but a different one- has been necessary to imbue my sense of self with a love for open inquiry. Ever mindful that the educational process matters as much as the outcome, I continue on my path with a balance of pragmatism and love for learning.

At this age, I have infinitely more questions than answers. What will I major in? Will I ever reconnect with my childhood dream of being a part-time ballerina, part-time veterinarian, part-time astronaut? The most important question of all: Who will I be? I want the answer to be: a thoughtful, caring individual who approaches my life with passion, zest and the same amount of energy that Mr. Shimmon expended on that day in September.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I am a food snob. I like to grill my fresh figs, topping them off with sprinkles of brown sugar. But I cannot resist Cheeze-Its, ever. I enjoy psychology books; I also enjoy self-help books thinly veiled as psychology books. I love my beautiful city of San Francisco. I use humor in my Yelp.com reviews of my favorite places in San Francisco- Strawberry Hill in Golden Gate Park, Good Earth Cafe, and the SF Botanical Garden. For the longest time, I put off reviewing Cayuga Park, an unassuming gem, beautiful because of its obscurity. I love to sing, but I can't say I'm very good at it. I love whispering along with folk songs or belting musical numbers. I'm not too shy to sing to others, but I sometimes worry that their ears will fall off. It bothers me when people don't use both sides of a sheet of lined paper. We have a collective responsibility to choose the world we live in, and I wish more people assumed this responsibility. My favorite person on this planet told me that, as a young adult, he had contemplated starting a magazine to publish news of good deeds done by others. I thought this was a great idea. It makes me ineffably happy when people choose sometimes thankless jobs like teaching, because they know that unruly kindergartners can, and often do, become amazing adults. My friends tell me my taste in clothing is predictable and boring. If I am admitted to Tufts, you'll be able to tell me if they are right. I prefer having a couple of very close friends to having a large network of semi-close friends. I have a very long list of mockumentaries that I'd like to see. My second favorite person on this planet has been to New Zealand, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, Guatamala, Ghana, Kenya, Tanzania, and Uganda. He majored in Sociology and claims Pangaea as his home. When he sent me an email about the sights and sounds of India in narrative style, the prose left me breathless. I think I'll start a travelogue of my own experiences, starting with college.
keilinger   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "my love for psychology" - Is my essay too objective? [6]

"Given my varied interests, I appreciate Oberlin's academic flexibility (ExCo and the Winter Term come to mind here)."

Which part of the sentence is awkward?

Thanks, Susan! I really appreciate your edits- they're super helpful!
keilinger   
Dec 6, 2009
Research Papers / Paper on Euthanasia-How to argue it can be research paper & not just persuasive [5]

I think it's a great idea to include factual information, but incorporate them into your argument. For example, what has been the effect of Oregon's legalizing euthanasia? How many people have chosen to die with dignity, and what was their reasoning for doing it? Your essay can be persuasive with plenty of facts to back up your opinions.
keilinger   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the cookie cutter world' - Diversity, Help with rutgers essay =/ [4]

It sounds good so far, but I think you need to dig deeper about what attracts you about Rutgers. Perhaps include include an anecdote to explain why diversity is important to you, or elaborate on what you think is impressive about the programs they offer. Also, "well-rounded" could be written as "more connected with the world around me" or something more interesting to read.
keilinger   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "my love for psychology" - Is my essay too objective? [6]

I've read quite a few "Why our college" essays, and I'm concerned that mine doesn't include clever anecdotes or anything.

I had signed up to take AP Psychology during my junior year, not knowing I was soon to stumble on a new passion. I love psychology because of its connection to real life. In each interaction that I have with someone, I see the opportunity to continually apply psychology ideas (I admit that I'd like the running script in my head to stop sometimes). As an introspective person, I am fascinated by cognitive science, especially metacognition. With metacognition, there are almost infinite answers to why one thinks the way they do, each derived from a different school of psychology. Psychology is an interdisciplinary field, in and of itself- You can take any situation and look at it from a hundred different perspectives, because there are so many variables to be examined.

Oberlin's strong neuroscience program will allow me the opportunity to increase the depth and breadth of my knowledge of the biological school of psychology. But at Oberlin, lecture halls aren't the only places where intellectual curiosity is fueled. Obies bring hands-on learning to the next level with incredible research opportunities!

The commitment to undergraduate research at Oberlin reflects the commitment of faculty to students. Professors thoroughly enjoy teaching, and Oberlin's small size fosters close, collaborative relationships between students and their dedicated professors. Small classes are also an ideal conduit for engaging discussions, which are crucial for a mind-broadening college experience. Oberlin's academic rigor, combined with its personal feel, means my college experience will be a phenomenal period of personal and intellectual growth.

I've only just discovered my love for psychology last year, and I'm eager to peruse Oberlin's course catalog to uncover even more interests. I plan on taking a class in anthropology, and I've made it a long-term goal of mine to become fluent in Spanish. Given my varied interests, I appreciate Oberlin's academic flexibility (ExCo and the Winter Term come to mind here). Who knows what I'll end up doing exactly? What I am certain of is that I'll go to unexpected places and discover new parts of me each time; I expect it of myself and I'd feel empowered by Oberlin's same expectation of me.

Academics aside, my other favorite aspect of Oberlin is the student body. Obies are smart, but also have passions outside the classroom. Their passions may be as varied and diverse as Oberlin's academic offerings, but everyone is passionate about something*. Obies are risk-takers, unafraid to challenge social norms, and unafraid of being pushed to new heights. They are quirky and caring, earning Oberlin its well-deserved reputation for being at the forefront of progressive activism. Where else would I be able to brag about attending a school that meets 50% of its electricity needs with sustainable energy sources?

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