Research Papers / Television and Cultural Imperialism In Nigeria [3]

Greetings!

There is quite a bit of information available online on the topic. If you are able to use newspaper stories and magazine articles, you might want to start there. For scholarly journals, your best bet is your school library's online database. Come up with a list of as many relevant search terms as you can think of, and see if the articles you find are focused in the right direction. Your thesis will take a position on the issue which your research will need to support, so if you have some leeway in crafting your thesis statement, you might want to see what information is available before you nail down the actual thesis. That way, you can be more sure to find the references you need.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Response to Doctor Faustus [6]

Greetings!

Thanks for pointing that sentence out! I edited it so it is not left hanging there forever...in the fiery pits... :-)

Yes, I think you can branch out, provided that, in doing so, you address the question. If your answer is yes, the epilogue's warning to the audience is confirmed by the tone and events of the play as a whole, then you will want to go on to give examples of why that is true. How is the tone conveyed? Which events confirm it?

I think you're on the right track with your thoughts of "dramatic and other writing techniques." See how many you can find to support your answer.

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Archaeology, material artefacts, and cultural systems [2]

Greetings!

Great essay! Here are a few editing tips:

They dig to find antique items then expose them in museums.

However, previously, the theoretical premise of archaeology needs to be reminded. - I'm not entirely sure what this sentence was meant to say. Perhaps, something like "First, the theoretical premise of archaeology must be understood."

and then establish a three-dimensional grid system to precisely locate the discoveries.

knowledge of the location of historically valuable sites or chance; [use semicolon] builders may come across early artefacts when digging.

Each time one of them distinguishes an object, he delicately frees the item and then records its position.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Importance of hunting vs. gathering in foraging societies [2]

Greetings!

An excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

in the first place, the comparison of hunting with gathering permits us to evaluate the nutritional consequences for the people that belong to foraging societies.

gathering has been less energy consuming than hunting because foragers could more simply locate vegetables in the forest or in the open ground than animals.

Besides, even scavenging for animals has required humans to cover longer distances to amass available carcasses than to cover distances to accumulate vegetable food

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / No clue how to write a cause and affect essay [2]

Greetings!

Cause and effect essays aren't as complicated as they sound! You simply look at something that happened and ask, "Why?" For example: What are the causes of childhood obesity? What effect does obesity have on a growing child?

You could start by pointing out the phenomenon, like this: Recent studies have shown that childhood obesity is quickly reaching epidemic proportions in America. Then you reveal the cause: An examination of the lifestyle of the typical American child reveals why: American kids are eating more junk food and getting less exercise than ever before. Finally, you mention the effect: The result is a country full of children who may face a lifetime of struggle with their weight and the diseases which are caused by obesity.

Now, I just dashed that off without any research, so if you do decide to use that topic, you'll want to check your facts first. ;-) But as you can see, there's no big mystery to cause and effect essays--they only sound scary!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / BALLET ; What is one thing you do really well? [3]

Greetings!

What an absolutely delightful essay! Call it an essay, call it a short answer, I don't think it matters one bit--what it is, is excellent! It stands on its own exactly as it is. If I were to try very hard to find one thing about it to change (and I had to try!) it would be this: you say at the beginning that you had to give up ballet because of your knees. At the end, you make it sound as though you gave it up by choice. You might want to clarify that one small detail. Other than that, I think it is absolutely perfect! You have a wonderfully engaging writing style which is very enjoyable to read.

Outstanding!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The human species' impact on the earth [2]

Greetings!

Another excellent essay! I have just a few grammatical suggestions for you:

when the extinction of large-bodied prey and climate changes incited [delete the] individuals to renounce the nomadic life

However, about ten thousand years ago, during the Neolithic, the adoption of [delete the] agriculture and the domestication of plants and animals to aggrandize the reliable supplies of food initiated habits that have deeply impinged on the earth.

Although [delete the] global population rate and [delete the] population density remained low until the nineteenth century, the adaptive strategy that consisted of exploiting the natural resources to fill ecological niches that had been previously unavailable, led humans to seriously damage the earth.

Those aggravating factors amplified the rate of exhaustion of natural resources and deprived many species of their traditional habitat.

The adaptive strategies previously employed have jeopardised their survival because strategies and successes have nonetheless impaired their own habitats and ecosystems, in addition to increasing their reproductive success so much that they have overpopulated their ecological niche.

Consequently, since that phenomenon has been under way for thousands years

Although the outcome of human error might obliterate the human species and many others at the same time,

"This is the end" could be more than lyrics of a song by the Doors.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / the effect of Global warming- thesis statement and topic sentence [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start with your paragraph! It appears that the first sentence is your thesis statement? If your essay's focus is on sea level rise, you might want to include "rise" in that sentence. I think you paragraph does a good job of explaining the phenomenon. However, if this is to be the opening paragraph of the essay, you want to keep it somewhat general--a sort of introduction to the topic. You can get into specifics about tons and millimeters in the following paragraphs. Your opening paragraph's last sentence should probably relate back to the thesis a bit more; perhaps something like "When the causes and effects of sea level rise are understood, it can be seen that global warming is a major contributing source which should be taken seriously." A thesis takes a position which is then supported by the rest of the essay.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "The Jilting of Granny Weatherall" essay [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay, but a few of your sentence constructions are a little awkward. Here are some suggestions for you:

the jilting by George looms so large in Granny Weatherall's mind - If you use "so" you need to balance it with "that": "...looms so large... that she cannot get past it."

Granny's grudge of being jilted by George is demonstrated - The grudge that Granny holds from being jilted by George...

Granny feels that she need to conceal the hurtful feelings of being jilted - Granny feels that she needs to conceal the pain of being jilted...

Does the story explain what happend when she was jilted? Your essay would be easier to follow if the reader knew exactly what happened when Granny was jilted.

I think you just need another sentence or two in your concluding paragraph; perhaps something like:
Despite her denials to the contrary, the jilting of Granny Weatherall continues to dominate her life decades later.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay proofread on Jealousy [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a very good essay!I have just a couple of suggestions:

whereas aggressive jealousy extends beyond the boundaries of one's mind. - rather than simply repeating the same phrase you used in the first half of this sentence, it would be better to explain what you mean by "extends beyond the boundaries of one's mind." Do you mean "translates into physical action"?

Butler's form of jealousy is unexpressed, but Carver's form of jealousy is expressed. - I'm not sure I can agree with you that Butler's parrot's jealousy is "unexpressed." He expresses it, just not as overtly--because he can't. But he does flap his wings, throw seed, say "Cracker," etc., which is a form of expression. Try to be a little more specific in your word choice.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "Big moment" - narrative essay [2]

Greetings!

It normally takes a really big, often catastrophic, event to change one's perspective on life. My first thought was the September 11 attacks, which changed many Americans' views of the world. No longer could we think of the Middle East as some place way over on the other side of the world which has no effect on our own lives. Many aspects of life changed that day, including what we have to go through to get on an airplane and how safe we feel in our own homes. Another big event that made people see the world differently was Hurricane Katrina. I know many people (myself included) who went out and bought extra bottled water and canned food "just in case." The scenes of what was happening in New Orleans brought home vividly what can happen when a city's infrastructure falls apart. Whether due to terrorist attacks or natural disaster, any interruption in something as vital as the water supply can have fatal consequences for many. I try never to be without at least a couple of gallons of water in reserve now--just in case.

I hope these ideas help to get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on Deception, The Sparkling Bitch [3]

Greetings!

It can be tempting, sometimes, to overexplain things in an essay, especially if you are having trouble filling the required word count. But simply repeating in your own words what you have already quoted from the story is not analysis. This sentence is both repetitive and grammatically incorrect: "Hay forces his employees to control the uncontrollable dandruffs and bad habits of biting their fingernails." My suggestion is that you delete it. Instead, consider looking underneath Hay's obsession with appearance. What drives it? Why is focusing on appearance immoral?

Also, check this sentence to see if you quoted it correctly: ""If there was something slightly fake about the advertisements, the impression that the perfect marble pillars and white cornices were a façade, a film set rather than the real thing, it was international" - are you sure it says "international" and not "intentional"?

Your first sentence in bold is fine. It might be better to say "In truth," instead of "Truly."

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Essay on Marriage based on the two short stories [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of analysis. I like the way you find symbolism in the first story. You might want to look for some in the second story; I didn't feel as if I understood very well what the story was about, after reading that paragraph, unlike with the first story. You should also consider adding a sentence or two to your conclusion. You say "there are differences in the marriages" but a sentence at the end summing up what those differences were would be a good idea.

Other than that, I found only one error: Like Calixta, most women were burdened with household duties.

Good job! Your literature analysis is definitely improving! :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on Deception, The Sparkling Bitch [3]

Greetings!

I think you've got a good start! Because a conclusion is meant to summarize what came previously, being repetitive in it is not necessarily a bad thing. However, you haven't really plumbed the depths of how the new London has lost its morality. Not having read the story, I can't be sure, but it seems to me that there must be more to it than simply Hay's obsession with appearance. You say "Hay's concern with his appearance causes the city to be corrupt. " That doesn't sound right to me. I suspect that it would be more accurate to say that his concern with appearance is a reflection of his own corruption, and perhaps that of the city as well. What does the story say about the new London, as opposed to the old London? You say " The new London is not morally superior to the old city." Was it supposed to be? Where did that thought come from? I think perhaps you need to dig a little deeper with your analysis.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Culture change vs. biological evolution essay [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help with some editing:

On the one hand, the factors of biological evolution and culture change are sources of new variations, spread and their success depend on selection. - This sentence does not really make sense. Perhaps some of it got lost in editing?

Culture proceeds to comparable selections. - I'm not sure what this means.

Consequently, it is dangerous to draw a parallel between phenomena whose only common point is to share the same name

...biological agents may apply selective pressures on cultural evolutions. - This is an excellent point! (Just had to say that!)

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / America today is a nation of people with different ethnicities; Cultures Conflict [4]

Greetings!

I think your essay is greatly improved! Here are just a few more suggestions:

She feels contempt for the Americans, who, she believes, do not honor their mothers every day, as traditional in India.

I think you could split the paragraph on Mrs. Dutta here: Furthermore, Mrs. Dutta has trouble adjusting to American's lifestyle when the way she washes clothes in India is different from America. I would change it slightly, like this: Mrs. Dutta also has trouble adjusting to the American lifestyle because the way she is accustomed to washing clothes in India is different from the method used in her new home.

You might want to add another explanatory sentence here, like this: Like Mrs. Dutta's daughter-in-law, women have equal rights as men to go to work. This is a concept which Mrs. Dutta is not able to internalize.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / America today is a nation of people with different ethnicities; Cultures Conflict [4]

Greetings!

The best way to expand your analysis and prove your thesis is to delve underneath the motivations of the characters. Rather than simply restating the obvious by giving a quote and then saying the same thing in your own words, look underneath to the character's underlying motivations. "Why" is as important as "what." I have made some editing comments below:

Walker's foil characters, Maggie and Dee - what is a "foil character"? Is this the right word?

her culture is not based on mendacious and materialistic practice. - I don't think you mean "mendacious" which is defined as dishonest or habitually telling lies. While that may be true of her culture, it doesn't really fit here.

Dee feels "oppressed" by her old name

Maggie feels that she needs to vanish. Their mother describes, "...Maggie cowering behind me" Maggie is terrified by Dee and feels that she needs to hide. - The third sentence is basically saying the same thing for the third time. Instead, it would be better to explain why Maggie feels this way. Why does she feel so overwhelmed that she must hide?

The idea of honoring mothers for one day is unusual. - Again, you are restating what you've already said, rather than digging deeper to discuss her motivations. Why is this unusual to her? Does she feel contempt for Americans because they do not honor their mothers every day? Is her feeling toward Mother's Day representative of the totality of her feelings toward Americans in general?

Similarly, Mrs. Dutta's fear of the washing machine is symbolic of more than just her fear of a machine. It can be seen as a metaphor for the entire American culture -- alien, cold, foreign, indecipherable, and therefore, frightening -- both the machine, and America.

Maggie must face the overwhelming dominant culture.

You might want to add one more sentence at the end that reflects back to your thesis. Perhaps something like "By holding onto their old culture, they preserve their past, but create conflict in their present."

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Earliest stone tools - short anthropology essay [2]

Greetings!

I'm learning a lot about archaelology from your essays! Very interesting! Here are a few editing pointers:

How along ago were they created? Why did someone feel the need to make them?

the force used when an individual attempts to split a flake off from a stone.

The corroboration may be established thanks to the fact that those items are discovered in the framework of a situation

and particularly the subsequent analyses of those rests. - "rests" doesn't quite make sense here; did you mean "of the rest"?

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Russia and the Far Abroad [4]

Greetings!

I'm glad we could be helpful! As far as expanding the essay goes, there are some factors to consider, just from a practical standpoint: where do your interests really lie? Economic issues in the region are very important, with expanding EU markets, and with China's new, powerful position in the world market. It would probably be very easy to find many sources on the subject. It also may depend on what course this is for. Would your instructor be more interested in one particular slant over another? It never hurts to lean the instructor's direction! :-)

China's emerging economic influence is making Westerners nervous these days; I imagine Russia is no less concerned about the potential of China becoming a massively powerful world player. However, there is debate over just how powerful China can become, due to other factors besides trade. What effect it might have on Russia's economy and political influence if China does become the next Super Power is an interesting question.

I hope these ideas are helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Russia and the Far Abroad [4]

Greetings!

You have written a truly outstanding paper! It is well-researched, easily understood and interesting to read. I found very little to address, except for these few editing suggestions:

It is important to remember Britain controlled India at the time - It is not completely clear to which "time" you are referring here.

A Chinese strategy to oppress this rogue group has become accusations of terrorism. - "resulted in" might be better than "become."

Essentially, since U.S. military presence in the region, the U.S. has a droit de seigneur relationship with Russia. [typo]

The only other thing I had a question about was your use of "Ibid." I'm not sure which citation form you are using, but "Ibid." is not used in in-text citations in some forms. You might want to double-check on that.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Need pointers to essays that heavily use indirect speech [6]

All right, I'll look forward to it!

Sarah

Grammar, Usage / Need pointers to essays that heavily use indirect speech [6]

Greetings!

Yes, I understand your concern. It is not a usual form for an essay, although it does make for an interesting assignment to practice your understanding of that form. My suggestion would be that you try writing it, and then if you'd like pointers on editing, you can post it here, and I'd be happy to help. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Need pointers to essays that heavily use indirect speech [6]

Greetings!

Indirect speech reports what someone has said. Therefore, it often starts with "He said," "She said," "John said," etc. For example, using #1, above, you might say, "My teacher said that I work hard in school, but should spend more time on homework."

While I am not aware of reference essays that specifically use indirect speech heavily, I think if you keep in mind what indirect speech is, you can construct an essay using it. In your essay you will be describing what someone else has said, so when choosing your topic, pick one which will allow you to refer to what someone has said about the particular subject matter. For example, you could write about what a friend thought of a particular movie: "He said that he liked the action sequences best. He described them as fast-paced and exciting. He called the dialogue somewhat juvenile."

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Comparison Essay: Children to have siblings [4]

Greetings!

We try to answer all posts within 24 hours; five hours is often not possible.

You have a tendency to leave out articles such as "the." For example:

The sibling relationship is the most enduring one that any of us experiences, longer and less demanding than that of our parents, children or spouse; it is potentially the longest relationship we will ever have.

Children who have brothers and sisters usually have more perspective on life than the only children.

The sibling relationship can bring to children the differences between the views of life not only from parents but also from their brothers and sisters.

children just want to keep something for their own,

However, the only child in a family has all the things that are given.

Days can be long with them, which can cause depression.

The only people who they can think of are their siblings who grew up with them under the same roof as a family.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Concept of "human races" - short Physical Anthropology essay [2]

Greetings!

I always enjoy reading your excellent essays! Here are a few editing suggestions:

It can be difficult to figure out when to leave out articles, especially "the," in English. While perhaps not technically "wrong" from a grammatical standpoint, the following are more "right" without the article:

Indeed, in what ways do Democrat Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney culturally resemble each other?

such as skin colour, sex, or age.

such as religion, ethnicity or nationality.

In the next sentence, you could also use "one" instead of "us":
Indeed, the main implication of the oversimplification of the human biological & cultural diversity leads us to adopt an erroneous theory of biological determinism to address the complex relations between culture and biology of the Homo sapiens species.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / America today is a nation of people with different ethnicities; Cultures Conflict [4]

Greetings!

I think you have plenty to say! You do a good job of pointing out the conflicts. You might want to delete your last sentence, though, as it is rather repetitive. You need a sentence, or preferably a paragraph, summing up the main points of the essay.

Here are some editing suggestions:

they experienced culture shock. Thus, tension and conflict is built as the minority culture feels threatened or overpowered by the dominant American culture.

she does not necessarily need to possess something tangible to remember Grandma Dee

Dee represents the dominant modern and materialistic culture.

Dee is so absorbed in her image, her only concern is what others think about her.

Mrs. Dutta moves from India to [delete "the"] America,

Mrs. Dutta is so used to fulfilling [delete "the roles as"] her mother-in-law's prescribed role as "a good wife" that she continues to do it while she is living in her son's house.

The way she washes clothes is different in America.

she is overwhelmed by a highly technologically-advanced machine.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Response to Doctor Faustus [6]

Greetings!

It's good to be able to pick a topic you are more comfortable with. :-) You might want to begin by considering the audience of the 16th century. This would not have just been fantasy to them, but something which they would take seriously. Protection of one's immortal soul was an important concept in those days, and the Devil was considered a real threat. The prospect of spending eternity in the fiery pits of hell was a sobering thought. When you consider the tone and events of the play, keep this in mind.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Worst Job I Have Ever Experienced! - Essay [4]

Greetings!

Great job! The only suggestion I have is to change the punctuation in this sentence, like this:

After we finished the tedious in-processing tasks, we all packed into a big metal cattle truck and headed "down-range" (any forward-deployed area of operations) to our barracks.

You also might consider adding a reference to the topic to your last sentence: "neither the easiest nor the quickest way, and definitely the worst job ever."

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Comparison Essay: Children to have siblings [4]

Greetings!

We don't provide outlines on this free site, but I can help with some suggestions. :-) This is a topic on which numerous studies have been done. It might be helpful to you to look at a few articles on the subject to see what conclusions have been drawn by psychologists, sociologists and other researchers. I can see how there might be benefits either way. Children with siblings learn to share, wait their turn, and perhaps take care of younger siblings, all of which are useful skills. On the other hand, only children can receive more of their parents' attention, which may give them an advantage with help with homework, more playtime with dad or mom, and perhaps more or better toys, educational items, clothes, etc. because there is more money available. A possible disadvantage for only children when they get older is that they may not have had the opportunity to socialize as much with other children, which can cause problems. However, this can be overcome, by making sure they have friends, perhaps participate in play groups, and so forth.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / On the origins of domesticated felines - Anthropology essay [2]

Greetings!

A very interesting and enjoyable essay! I have a few editing suggestions:

I both drew and photographed the object before putting it meticulously in a plastic bag.

I presumed that, in all likelihood, it was the cranium of a baby feline. Therefore, I exchange my shovel for a trowel and a brush before continuing my investigation further.

More surprising was the occurrence of remains of three other tiny felines

In addition, they performed DNA tests to ascertain their conclusions.

The idea began to germinate in their minds

Genetics revealed the kittens were linked to actual cats in many ways.

would have favoured such a place because it could have permitted them to care for their offspring

through actions such as feeding wild cats with milk

Consequently, portrayals of animals did not necessarily demonstrate any relations of companionship between humans and animals

to expand the knowledge of the aspect of human history that has been linked to the ecosystem.

roots in the distant past, far beyond the limits of space or time scales, to which we have been accustomed.

The only other suggestion I would make is that you add a concluding sentence which summarizes the main idea of the essay. It seems to stop rather abruptly.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Summary/Analysis of Lucy from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [8]

Greetings!

I should have been more specific with my suggetion regarding "immensely." It should read like this: "several key moments that influence the story immensely. "

If this moment had not taken place, the children may have never entered into Narnia. Then there would have not been a story to tell. - Your second sentence here is a fragment. I'd suggest rewriting it this way: If this pivotal moment had not taken place, the children would never have found Narnia and there would have been no story to tell.

You've been working hard! Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Response to Doctor Faustus [6]

Greetings!

They are interesting questions! For the first question, in order to understand how Marlowe uses the beliefs and experiences of his audience, you'll need to know what they are. What were audiences of the 16th century like? They generally held strong religious beliefs, so that provides a clue to prevailing morality; what were their theatrical experiences? What types of plays were they accustomed to at that time? How is Marlowe's work similar or different?

For the second question, you'll want to explain the tradition theatrical forms--what they were, how they were used, and then contrast those with the modern techniques in use at that time. How were they different? Does Marlowe use elements of both? Is it effective?

The first question has a more philosophical slant, whereas the second is more technical. Choose the one which appeals to you more on that basis.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Eligibility, financial need background, community involvement - Scholarship Essay; Graphic Designer [10]

Greetings!

I made a few changes for you:

Although the Air Force provides benefits like the Spouse Tuition Assistant it is still not enough to pay for my degree. I am a responsible and hardworking person who also enjoys volunteering. For example, I volunteered as a teacher's aid at the Yokota West Elementary, helping kids with their schoolwork, correcting exams and preparing visual aids. I enjoy being proactive, working and giving my best. My volunteer experience and my current job, which is at La Guardia English School, teaching English to Japanese adults, show that I'm committed and efficient in what I do. I would like the opportunity to continue giving back to the community in my chosen profession. Please consider me for any scholarship for which I may qualify. The scholarship will help me accomplish my current goal, move on to the next and become a successful professional.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Worst Job I Have Ever Experienced! - Essay [4]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

There was never a day that went by without being verbally ridiculed and belittled. After all of the in-processing tasks were taken care of we were all packed into a big metal cattle truck and headed "down-range."

At times, the drill sergeants would get so close to my face, yelling,

the chlorine they used in the water buffalo to kill the bacteria. - water buffalo?? You'd better explain that one!

mental and physical challenges that we faced every day.

the only people I had yelling at me now were my parents and teachers,

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Vis-ŕ-vis the early anatomically modern Homo sapiens [2]

Greetings!

A remarkable and interesting paper! You've done a marvelous job; I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

Now, imagine you are one of the vacationers who spends his or her holidays in France.

Scientists have deemed I lived about from thirty five thousand years ago to twenty-two [should this be "thousand"?] years ago.

I lived with my band, which was composed of eight individuals, supposedly my family. - "supposedly" is not really a good term here; who is doing the supposing?

Pleistocene (from one billion eight hundred thousand years ago to eleven thousand five hundred and fifty years ago)

My means of locomotion was the obligate bipedalism and I walked fully erect.

My anatomy was so next to yours that, if I opened my mouth, you could have seen I had a generalized dentition like yours.

sound could not be recorded in those days and I had not learnt to write yet.

those species were wild because I hadnot mastered the art of cultivation and domestication yet.

I was proficient in hunting big game

I was able to cut up the carcasses resulting from my hunts with acute stone tools into pieces which were a manageable size for eating.

that aptitude pertained to an Upper Palaeolithic stone tool industry, called Aurignacian,

I was capable of carving my meat

Although my anatomy and subsistence pattern were extraordinarily well developed, the most surprising facets of my life lay elsewhere.

First, I was clever at converting the hides of my prey into somewhat tailored clothes for I was able to shape the pelts with my cutting tools and for it has seemed I could make needles.

Besides, my intelligence and my dexterity led me to recoup deer antlers and mammoth ivory tusks to engrave them with adroit? adornments. - I don't think "adroit" is the word you want here; the person who makes them can be adroit, but the adornments themselves cannot be.

"Venus figures," which were portrayed with an amazing realism, and figurines that apparently represented supernatural fertility beings, for their feminine traits were exaggeratedly pronounced.

we buried our dead with elaborate items in their graves.

Since our differences have not lain in biological points, they have been in our cultures.

The epoch in which I lived [delete "in"], the Upper Palaeolithic

great-intellectualised activities. - not sure, but I think you meant "greatly"?

The corner stone of the comprehension of our epoch has resided in your ability to appreciate

its prevention from extinction up to your twenty first millennium

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison Essay--Rushdie and Doctorow [7]

Greetings!

I'm afraid that "makes religion the only problem for prohibiting birth control" doesn't really make sense. It's a little unclear what you mean by that part of the sentence. You could just say "Rushdie decries religion's prohibition on birth control, blaming it for sexually transmitted diseases and overpopulation."

The second sentence is good, although "reveals" makes it sounds like he is unveiling some secret or universal truth; "believes" or "maintains" or "insists" or something along those lines might be better.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison Essay--Rushdie and Doctorow [7]

Greetings!

It has turned out well! Here are some editing suggestions:

You should consider deleting or rephrasing this sentence. It is too much of a repetition of what is contained in the quote that precedes it. If the quote makes your point, you don't need to reiterate it with the same words: "Rushdie decries religion for prohibiting birth control, which interferes with the fight against sexually transmitted diseases and causes overpopulation."

First, Doctorow defines the word "infidel."

This sentence again restates too closely the quotation which precedes it: Doctorow reveals that Americans' desires for "celestial" or spiritual connection are the reasons for practicing religion.

As Doctorow demonstrates through his examples, people are [delete "considered"] infidels, because they use religion as an excuse to discriminate against others.

I've made some changes to your conclusion to eliminate the repetition and refine the grammar: "Through Rushdie's critical style of writing and Doctorow's more logical one, both writers present a secular humanism perspective. The difference is that Rushdie advocates that people be unreligious while Doctorow effectively defines what it is to be an infidel.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison Essay--Rushdie and Doctorow [7]

Greetings!

Your essay is progressing very well. Here are some more editing tips:

Nevertheless, Rushdie's and Doctorow's dissimilar styles of writing affect [delete "the"] readers differently.

Because his statements are unconcerned with the opinions of others, his writing is evoking. - "evoking" is a verb; you could use "evocative" as an adjective, but that's not really appropriate here. The word you want, I think, is "provocative." See my note below about your use of that word.

Rushdie decries religion for prohibiting birth control, which interferes with the fight against [delete "the"] sexually transmitted diseases and causes overpopulation. Later, Rushdie criticizes religion for people living in ignorance .

Rushdie's blunt conclusion is that religions are ancient wisdoms [delete "] that are not pertinent today.

His closed-minded statements against religion conveyed through his writing are viewed as provocative. - Try to avoic the passive voice, as with "are viewed as.' I suggest using provocative above, and here, say, "are incendiary" or "are inflammatory."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Faith in God and Purpose' - Admit Essay [2]

Greetings!

You've done a great job with your essay. I just have a few editing tips:

Purpose is an evasive idea. Each person has his or her purpose, but very few are willing to find it.

I often condemn my failures

Allow me to reassure you on that point. I have always been an adaptable person.

the education and atmosphere you offer will be more rigorous than I have ever experienced [I would delete "or can expect"]

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Thesis help: Education better or worse? [7]

Greetings!

I think your essay is coming along very well! Here are some editing suggestions:

America's students are falling behind their counterparts in areas of the world such as Asia and Europe.

Part of the reason is because educators are not [delete focusing or] paying enough attention to each student on an individual basis. Faced with financial problems and overcrowded classrooms, neither schools nor teachers can afford to pay special attention to those who do not learn at the same rate as the rest of their peers.

The problem is classes with too many students. There are often 30 or more in a class, which is just too many for teachers to handle.

When teachers have to spend a considerable amount of time keeping the class in line, it takes away from time that could be spent giving students instructions on how to complete the work properly.

The average size was about 250 students.

I think you could expand on the television part. It seems a little brief. You also need to be sure that you answer the question clearly--is it better or worse, and why? Take a position and support your conclusions with evidence.

Keep working, you're almost finished!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com