Writing Feedback / What it means to be a High School Writer [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

Street, in his piece states that "Even though in the long run many local people do want to change their literacy practices and take on some of those associated with western or urban society" (Street, paragraph 3). - A quotation needs to flow naturally into your own writing. You should eliminate the first two words of the quotation and begin with "in the long run ..."

The teacher professes the "mainstream discourse practices" and consequently is at fault for the literacy crisis among high school writers. - I didn't follow the logic here. You need to explain these "discourse practices" more completely to your reader, because it isn't clear why the teacher is at fault.

If high school writers follow this they will listen to anything that anyone tells them, if this means English teachers. - This sentence does not really make sense. Did you mean "if, by 'anyone,' one means English teachers"?

Teachers are affected by society and therefore they don't teach how to write. - Your conclusion "and therefore..." does not follow from the premise. It's like saying "Bill watches a lot of television and therefore he wears green socks." Perhaps there is a connection, but the effect does not follow from the cause, with the information given.

You are a good writer; just make sure that every assertion you make is backed up, and that your conclusions follow logically from them.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Testing, a Perfect Tool? A Toulmin Model Essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start; however, there are a few things that you might want to look at more closely. Your first paragraph is not cohesive. The first sentence is fine; the second implies that standardized testing helps students learn better; this view is supported by the next-to-last sentence, which again says that the tests benefit the students. In the middle of the paragraph, you bring in the idea that the tests are stressful on students, which is introducing a different angle completely. Then, the last sentence of the paragraph, surprisingly, says that standardized testing is not the most efficient method of evaluating students; this is the only sentence in the paragraph which directly criticizes the tests themselves. It certainly could stand as the "claim" part of the Toulmin model; however, the other sentences in the paragraph need to be on the same topic, namely, that the tests are not that valuable. Instead, your opening paragraph is really about three different things: 1) Tests are beneficial; 2) Tests are stressful for students; 3) Tests aren't the best way to evaluate students. I would suggest that you go back and make all the sentences (except the first one, which is a nice, general opening sentence that introduces the topic of testing) relate to your thesis, which is the last sentence in that paragraph.

I find it a little difficult to find the Toulmin model in your essay. After the first step, which is the claim, comes the grounds for making the claim. Your grounds seem to be in the second half of the essay. I'm also a little uncertain about the warrant, although I suppose it could be that a multiple-choice test that has only one correct answer for each question only helps students give the correct answer faster without putting much thought into answering the question.

You might want to review the steps in the Toulmin model again and see how you can make your essay follow it more closely. For MLA citation, put the author's name and the page number in the parentheses, unless you have already mentioned the author's name in the sentence, like this: (Winthrop 193).

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment-Is mankind inherently good or evil? [2]

Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! There is very little that I'd suggest changing. I should point out that, when using American English, the period (or comma) always goes inside the quotation mark: so said famous author Joseph Conrad who delved deep into the human psyche and discovered there a "heart of darkness." - You have several instances of this, so you might want to check carefully.

Here, I'd use a semicolon and add a comma: Physically yes, Rodya was the killer and he understands this despite his monomania; however, perceiving his words in a more psychological sense

Outstanding work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Speech critique 2 - X's informative speech [2]

Greetings!

Another great paper! Here are some editing tips:

X's speech was an average one, it had all the elements but was not implemented well.

He talked about how to not. procrastinate, then moved on to the definition and why people procrastinate, and finally going back to how to not procrastinate.

I noticed that he tended to look down at his paper most of the time and did not devote an adequate amount of time to maintaining eye contact with the audience.

It is obvious that he had written many things on his notes and had difficulty with memorization. He didn't meet the clothing requirements, he wore a t-shirt with a baseball cap.

He could also have taken some time and thought about the logical progression of the speech. His eye contact needs improving which could be done with practice; he obviously did not practice. Finally, his closing was average and needed more work to be a more effective closing.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

Greetings!

This next one is confusing because it is missing some words:
Teacher's resources education has become more and more digitalized replacing a classroom environment by home learning experience sometimes referred to distant learning. - I think you meant "The resources used by teachers to provide a good education have become more and more digitalized, replacing a classroom environment by a home learning experience, sometimes referred to as distant learning. "

Teachers can answer questions with supported links that can be addressed to students to enhance reading comprehension. Teachers can organize E-books online, which can be accessed by students who can download text information, However teachers are moderators that have control over how much information is viewed by students when they're ready for the next subject.

For your thesis, I suggest this: Students benefit from a good education if they have knowledgeable, firm teachers who enforce discipline, have good classroom setups, and encourage responsible parent involvement. (Although I'm not sure what "classroom setups" are.)

You're almost finished--keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

Greetings!

I'll take your questions in order. The first one needs a little grammar correction:

In addition, a good teacher also enforces discipline, which allows students to become responsible. Teachers come across difficult students who don't care to come to class, stay seated at their desks, listen quietly, take notes or give their full total attention.

Students need to follow rules to prepare themselves for their future work environment, so they can follow procedures in the workplace.

If students don't follow the rules, the teacher will enforce appropriate punishment on the students. For instance, talking inside the classroom while the teacher is giving a presentation is being rude, disruptive, and disrespectful. Teachers set boundaries, taking action to control students who misbehave.

More to come!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Evaluation Paper - how to optimize the development of children [12]

Greetings!

I can certainly understand the stress you're experiencing! If it helps, just remember that a year from now, you won't even remember having done this assignment; sometimes thinking that way helps me keeps things in perspective.

I think your thoughts about question #1 are right on target. I don't see a need to say more than that, since it covers the question nicely.

I felt your answer for #2 made sense, yes! :-) I assume you'll be a little more formal in the way you write your responses for the actual paper.

For #3, you don't want to be too concise; I think 3/4 of a page to one page sounds about right for this question, and yes, a paragraph for 1 and 2, or you'll just be stretching it out for no reason. Number four should be the longest, yes; most of the emphasis seems to be on that question. And for #5, probably between 1/2 and one page; why not see how long the paper is when you get there, and then decide? :-)

Sounds like you're ready to do a good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Education for children of illegal immigrants - how to start writing on this topic? [2]

Greetings!

That's certainly a controversial question these days! You haven't said exactly what kind of help you are looking for, but it sounds like you need to write a research paper. If so, and you'd like some ideas, I can throw out a few:

You might want to start with a few statistics on the number of children affected by this issue. It's a little unclear from your question whether it's the children themselves or just their parents who weren't born in the United States, but assuming it's the children (as anyone born here is automatically a citizen), see if you can find some numbers that show it is an important issue. Next, you might want to talk about the limited funds available for state-funded college scholarships. Finally, find some articles, both pro and con, which give solid reasons both for and against. If you are intended to take a side, be sure you make that clear in your first paragraph, and then present the information against that side of the argument in order to show why it is wrong.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / MLA Citation in text - is it correct? [5]

Greetings!

Yes, you did a very good job with the MLA! There is only one tiny error I see, and that is that you don't include the period from the quotation inside the quotation itself; the period at the end of the sentence, after the page number, is sufficient. Also, leave a space between the quotation mark and the parenthesis; so, it would look like this:

In Defense of Testing by Diane Ravitch states that, "The tests widely used today often rely too much on multiple-choice questions, which encourage guessing rather than thinking" (798).

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Sociogram for "The Endless Steppe" book [4]

Greetings!

Sure, I'd be happy to help spice it up just a bit! :-)

Esther and her family live a wonderful and cozy life in Vilna, Poland, until one day a terrifying event shatters their lives. Young Esther and her family are arrested and deported to Siberia. They arrive in a work camp, where they are forced to live under horrible conditions. Esther and her family endure bitterly cold weather, near-starvation food rations and back-breaking work in a gypsum mine. When it is announced that some people can move to a town called Rubousk, Esther and her family seize the opportunity. There, they live in a small hut. Esther starts school and things begin to acquire some semblance of normalcy. The question is, will Esther and her family always have to live in this small hut made out of dung and endure hard living conditions, or will they be able to return to their home in Vilna, Poland.

I haven't read The Endless Steppe, so I don't know how it ends--is that all there is? It seems left rather up in the air. You might want to add a bit at the end for some closure.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

Greetings!

I'm having a little trouble following the logic of your paragraph. You say "Students who don't care says, "Why do we have to come to class sit in our chair with desk, listen quietly, write notes and give our full total attention to our teachers, who give great presentations?" - Would a student who didn't care really say that the teachers give great presentations? I didn't really understand this.

we learn this from our first teachers, our parents. - This seems out of place; the paragraph is about teachers and discipline, not about parents.

You should avoid asking rhetorical questions like "Whoever thought we need rules to follow?" It distracts the reader from what you are saying, and, in this case, really didn't seem to fit; it sort of sticks out as being out of place.

Be mindful of what tense you are writing in, and don't change it. "Teachers will not tolerate a noisy classroom after the third warning, and force the student to be dismissed from the classroom and sent to the principal's office.

I think you could really work in the part about grades wherever you want to; it ties into all the areas you mentioned, one way or another.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A Flounder in a Sea of Mackerel; Essay about death an mourning [2]

Greetings!

I think you have written a very thoughtful essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

the mackerel signifies human similarity and how we are all essentially the same piece of fish lying next to one another once we are deceased. - Yes, I know, everyone says "laying" these days, but it's not correct; it's "lying." :-)

where everyone shines in their own way that their individuality is lost in a world where everyone is trying to be unique they actually become similar. - I got really lost in the middle of this sentence; perhaps you should make it into two sentences.

In Scott Momaday's essay, "The Way to Rainy Mountain," he writes about how he coped with the loss of his grandmother.

Can you get hurt by one person's death, but also be unaffected by another's?

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Ron Paul Media Expose. check it for errors. [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good paper! If you are following MLA format, when you mention the author's name in the sentence, just put the page number in parentheses (21) without "Pg."

Most of the mistakes I see are more than likely typos:

One article, written by Aaron Sharockman, a Times Staff Writer, states that,

A third source on the issue lists yet another different set of cultures in support of Ron Paul.

Dinan also lists the reason that these groups support Paul;

To say such a thing on national television is not only rude, but is as biased against a candidate as a reporter can get.

George Stephanopoulos interviewed Ron Paul on ABC news and asked him, "What's success for you in the campaign?,"

The foreign countries seem to be more positive about Ron Paul's campaign than the U.S Media.

The questions he is asked are typically rude and hand picked in an attempt to prevent Ron Paul from gaining supporters.

Fox even went as far as to exclude Ron Paul from the January 6th Fox Forum. After they realized that this backfired due to public outcry,

This focus group is supposedly made up of twenty randomly selected independent voters.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A reflection paper about my practicum site [3]

Greetings!

The first thing that comes into my mind when thinking about schools is "what could the school do if it had more money?" Nowadays, technology is key to getting ahead in learning, and most schools could use more computers, even for first-graders. However, I don't know if there's any way to relate that back to human development or not. It depends on what you talked about in your human development class.

I do think that you could manage to get four pages out of the class size issue; you just have to approach it the right way. Humans have a need for attention, and particularly children of the age you are working with. They need it not only for their intellectual development, i.e., school subjects like learning to read and write, but also for their emotional and social development. Relating class size "to some area of knowledge in the study of human development" could actually take quite a bit of space.You could devote at least a page to the reasons class size is important. Then, you could discuss the class itself and how the individual children might flourish with more individualized attention. Perhaps you have observed instances where a child was struggling and could have used more help, or where a child had an idea or answer, but the teacher did not notice that the child had something to say. Or maybe there are projects that the children could work on if they weren't too time-intensive for one teacher to manage. As an intern, you can help in this regard, even if the change could not be permanent.

I hope this helps give you some ideas to get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to write Memo about cultural differences to assist manager [12]

Greetings!

You're very welcome, I'm glad that helped! As for helping students write a case study, I suppose that depends upon what you mean by "help"! ;-)) We don't write papers for students, or do their research for them, but we help with ideas to get started (as you know) and give editing advice, once you have your rough draft. If you get stuck, I'd be glad to try to come up with some more ideas, and certainly, feel free to post your rough draft here and I'll help you edit it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Have problems to write an expository term paper.. [3]

Greetings!

The expository paper can seem a bit intimidating at first, but it's really not any different from any other paper, as far as complexity, and can even be simpler. It is just a way of explaining information to your reader. I would suggest that you check out our Free Essays and Articles section, where you will find an article on writing the expository essay here: essayforum.com/essays-1/expository-paper-267/

Once you have a rough draft, I'd be happy to help you with editing it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Economy vs Ecology - essay [4]

You're very welcome! I learned a little Turkish ("a little" being a dozen words or so) from online friends. Vive l'internet! (my French has improved thanks to the internet, too. ;-))

Kendine iyibak :-)

Sarah

Research Papers / Medical students training in nutrition - help with a paper [4]

Greetings!

After your introductory paragraph where you set up your thesis (for example, that the training in nutrition in medical schools is inadequate), you might want to first explain why it is important, that is, the health benefits of good nutrition. Then you can go on to describe the training that is given in medical schools, and show why, since nutrition has these health benefits, that training is inadequate.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on debate about testing [4]

Greetings!

Yes, that would be a good topic, as standardized testing is actually fairly controversial these days. You could start with an argument that standardized testing either is, or is not, a valuable tool for measuring the progress of students and schools, then use data to support the side of the argument that you have chosen. Feel free to post your rough draft here if you'd like some editing tips.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Alcoholism - would it be a good topic for a research paper? [9]

Greetings!

You've written an informative essay! Here are some editing tips:

When you hear the word "drug" what do think automatically comes to your mind? - Unless your instructor has told you otherwise, it is best to avoid using the second person, i.e., addressing your reader directly.

The same thing goes for first person ("I believe that...") unless you are writing an opinion paper, or have otherwise been instructed to use first person. A research paper is normally written in third person, in a more detached, even scientific, fashion.

Also, rather than saying "It is said that..." and then giving the quotation and author, make it clear that you are referring to a researcher's findings: "Harvey noted that..." or "Research conducted by Harvey found that..."

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Comparison essay: conflict in "Cages" vs "Two Kinds" and David Cooperfield vs great expectation [5]

Greetings!

You might want to start with an introduction that states whether the two types of conflict are essentially the same or very different. Then you would go on to describe each type, giving several examples from the work, using quotations to support your description. Depending on how long the paper is supposed to be, you could include a discussion of the importance of the familial conflict to the work as a whole. I'm not sure about Cages, but it's my understanding that the issue is quintessential to The Joy Luck Club. If you're having trouble getting started, try looking through the books, picking out scenes where the conflict arises, and see if you can arrange them in a logical order for comparison.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on debate about testing [4]

Greetings!

Sometimes it's easier just to pick one, than to spend a lot of time trying to figure out which one is going to be the easiest. :-) You don't say what type of testing you'll be writing about--standardized testing in schools? testing drugs or cosmetics on animals? HIV tests for couples getting married? random drug testing in schools or work places? If I knew what type of testing, I might--possibly--be better able to tell you which argument would be easier; however, it depends a lot on you, as well, so what I think is easier might not be for you, and vice versa. To me, policy arguments or cause/effect would be easier to argue than value, judgment or interpretation. I find the specificity of the Toulmin model easier to "fill in the blank," as it were, than trying to deal with the "major premise" and "minor premise" of the inductive and deductive reasoning models. Whichever one you choose, the "getting started" part will be your argument in a nutshell; in the Toulmin model, either the "data" or the "claim," one following the other.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Economy vs Ecology - essay [4]

Greetings!

Wow, your professors are keeping you very busy with writing assignments! You've been doing a lot of hard work, and you make some very good points. Here are some editing suggestions (they're not in bold this time):

The bad effects human beings have on the Earth are becoming more and more serious over the last century. Either extraordinary increases in the population or extreme overuse of resources can be damaging to the Earth.

Related to air pollution, one of the most dangerous issues for Earth is global warming, a big concern nowadays.

Although it makes sense to use ecology to get economical welfare, if the balance of nature breaks because of extraordinary usage of ecology, the payback will be worse than we can imagine. - I'm not sure I follow your argument here. I think perhaps you mean "resources" rather than "ecology."

It can be seen as a mutalist life. - "mutalist" is not a word; I believe you want to say "It can be seen as a mutually beneficial life."

Hybrid cars, public transportation vehicles, new technological inventions which save water or electricity, renewable sources such as wind, water, and sunlight should be used by politicians and they should be used commonly by all humanity.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Spirit brings rights - essay [2]

Greetings!

You make some very good points in your essay! Because of its length, I can't edit all the grammar, but I will give you some tips:

Although animal rights have been upheld by international laws, animals, who cannot look out for their rights in courts, are being treated with a lack of respect, even in the 21st century.

To make people think about animals, Emel has done many interesting activities. We have to think about not only pets, but also agricultural animals and their conditions. - It's really not enough to say Emel has done some interesting things; if you are going to mention him, and especially his "interesting activities," you need to tell what was interesting about them. The next sentence which follow, really does not flow logically from the sentence about Emel; it's too abrupt of a jump in ideas.

Indirect duty view supports that an attitude that harms a living thing is what matters, not the way it is harmed. Therefore the affected things, such as animal in this case, are not cared. - The phrase "are not cared" does not make sense; I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to say.

To sum up, animal rights have to be cared more than it cares now. - This time, I think I know what you were trying to say! :-) Try saying it this way: "To sum up, animal rights must be given more attention than they are now."

Therefore, it shows that inherent values are cared for humans. - The phrase "cared for" is a bit confusing. I find it difficult to rewrite this for you, because I'm not sure who is supposed to be doing the "caring." Perhaps you meant that inherent values matter to humans? Or should matter?

I know that learning a foreign language is a big challenge! You might want to see if your university has a writing lab where you could get some help with your English, and some more in-depth editing.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / many traditional values and customs have been lost. Pls check my essay. [5]

Greetings!

You've written an interesting essay! I learned some things about your culture by reading it! I would have liked a bit more information about the foods that you mentioned, though. Unless you tell what they are, by describing the types of food and how they are prepared, your reader will not be able to relate--they are just foreign words. Try describing the delicious fragrances, tastes, crunchiness or smoothness of your favorite foods so that your reader can almost taste it! (You don't have to make it a major part of your essay; one or two sentences is plenty.)

The same thing holds true with "ao dai" and "non la." If you don't describe them, your reader just can't relate; I'd like to be able to picture what you are talking about.

Writing Feedback / Social Environment versus Instincts to shape human bahavior [5]

Greetings! Merhaba!

You are absolutely not "bad at writing"! (And absolutely right that I was lacking in my usual encouragement--mea culpa, it was me, not you!) I apologize for the lack of encouragement...if you look at my post, it was 5:53 am, and I had not yet slept! Please know that it was not your writing, but my lack of brain power that made my comments so brief! I'm going to take a closer look at the content now, as I was mostly focusing on the grammar before.

I felt that this part required more explanation: "Initially, in June 1973 New York citizens rescued their fellows from damage. They thought in an altruistic way and helped unselfishly to the people who are in risk of crime." - Perhaps you talked about this in class quite a bit, but to a reader who was not there, it is not enough information. Give a bit more background and explain what you are talking about.

I also felt that you should probably include an explanation of "mother instinct"; I'm wondering now if perhaps you meant "mothering instinct" instead. That would be the instinct that tells an animal (including humans) how to care for her offspring.

This sentence does not really make sense to me: "Aggression is not related to instincts, because mankind understand that aggression is needed to survive by his intelligence." - I don't follow the logic here. I would think that aggression stems from an instinct for survival: aggression against invaders, aggression against competition for one's mate, and so on. One does not normally think of aggression as related to intelligence. I'm not sure that "aggression" is really the attribute you are talking about.

Just a little more polishing and your essay will be ready to go! You've been working very hard, and definitely deserve a gold star! [Sarah hands bugra a gold star.] :-)) Keep up the good work!!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Social Environment versus Instincts to shape human bahavior [5]

Greetings!

I've corrected the grammar for you; here it is:

Humans are one of the most complicated species in the world. Although the anatomical structure of human is fixed, psychological states of humans are separated into thousands of groups. Human psychology is so complicated that to understand it scientific research has been conducted in many university departments, such as psychology and philosophy. Human nature and human behavior are one of the main topics to analyze related to sociology, psychology and philosophy. Research on the effects of instincts and social conditions is conducted to understand what shapes human behavior. Analyses about instincts and social environment concludes that social environment plays a more important role and effectively restricts human behaviors due to the cultural and psychological life of mankind.

The first issue in analyzing whether social environment has an effect is to compare different reactions of people under similar conditions. If the behaviors of humans are the same under similar conditions, then it can be concluded that instincts determine what to do. Otherwise, if the behaviors are different then something else must be more effective on human behavior. If the reason is not instincts, social environment is the key word to understanding the cause. Two incidents in New York city are needed to be well analyzed. Initially, in June 1973 New York citizens rescued their fellows from damage. They thought in an altruistic way and helped unselfishly the people who are at risk of crime. Then, an other example some years ago in Kew Garden, New York, had a very different result. Although a citizen, Kitty Genovese, was in danger and screamed for help, citizens did not answer her cry. Logically, they must have helped her, but citizens of Kew Garden did not think as many people do.(Hornstain 3) This difference between behaviors points out that different people do not act the same. If human behavior was shaped by instincts, there would be no different behavior between two people. As it is known mother instinct does not change from a mother to another. The difference between human behavior in New York is because of different growing up styles or different perspectives to the same occasion. If these reasons are generalized, social environment is seen as the main factor to shape human nature.

Different people were analyzed under similar conditions and it was concluded that their features which are shaped by social environment acts an important role on their behaviors. What if the social conditions of a man change? Instincts of a man cannot change over time, it is against biology. If features of humans change in varied circumstances, that is the result of environment. People can act in many various ways; this is capacity of mankind. Under some circumstances one side of human nature occurs: when provisions changes, the acts change, too. This proves how people change sociologically. A research which is conducted by Philip Zimbardo points out that psychology and behaviors of a person are alterable, even if that person is well educated and self-aware. As a supporting example to Hornstain who claims "nobody is aggressive or altruistic all the time"(Hornstain 3), university students who were sent to prison as guards and prisoners for an experiment changed their behaviors unconsciously. The students who were charged to be guards became evil and the students who were chosen to be prisoners became wild, even though they knew that this experiment would finish and they would be paid. They could not adopt, had physiological troubles and became evil in a short period. None of them behaved as university students.(Zimbardo 1) To put it in a nut shell, since instincts cannot be changed in a short period, differences in human behavior under different conditions can only be expressed by effects of the social environment.

In addition, effect of culture, which is one of the main parts of social environment, on human behaviors is proof which shows social conditions shape personality. Citizens of different parts of a country have many different features and attitudes. As anthropologists conclude that "man is born as a blank sheet of paper on which each culture write its text."(Fromm 1). Religious beliefs, customs, values and thoughts shape human behavior. That is the reason why the people in other countries are so different. For instance, in Turkey, the Aegean and South East parts seem as different countries; they look like they do not live in the same century. Culture of a person which has an influence on human life separates a person from others and causes social variety.

On the other hand; some people claim that there are many common values such as aggression and mother instinct, and these common values are the factors which shape human nature by genes. Aggression played an important role in the whole history of humanity. As a Nobel prize winner Konrad Lorenz claims, "aggression is a basic instinct in both subhuman species and mankind because it has survival value."(Hornstein 4) and instincts shape the main values of humans. On the other hand; "Man is an animal, but without having sufficient instincts to direct his actions. He not only has intelligence, but also self-awareness"(Fromm,3) summarizes why instincts do not play a main role in human life. Also it is needed to be underlined that environment always requires aggression. Aggression is not related to instincts, because mankind understand that aggression is needed to survive by his intelligence. In addition to this, aggression is directly related to environment. In the antique epochs aggression was based on physical power and protecting life, yet now aggression is based on financial topics, educational success or business passion. This exchange shows aggression is not an instinct and shows disparity related to time and conditions. As a chain, this disparity is the proof of the main affect of social environment on human behavior.

To sum up, instincts determine the capacity of humans and what people can do, but social environment dictates people what to do, how to behave and how to act. Psychology, sociology and philosophy are all sciences which study human behavior and these compare different behaviors in different conditions. Various reactions on similar topics point out that all people have different perspectives. Social environment creates this difference. Moreover, serious changing in a personality of a man is only expressed by different social conditions. Finally, humankind combines his logic, culture and psychology and reflects the result as behavior. In the future, by the development of genetics, it may be understood that genes and instincts do not have an important role on human behavior.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay a place you spend a lot of time [5]

Greetings!

You're welcome, I'm happy to help! I think you've added some nice touches. I have a few suggestions for you:

The cool air from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air

into the room. - One thing I notice you do a lot is repeat words within a sentence. Your writing will hold more interest if you vary your word choices more. For example, I might reword this as "The cool breeze from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air into the room. "

In the back of my desk I have a round metal container that I use for storing excess change. [delete in]

Again, vary word choice: Sometimes, the container will overflow with coins, like a clogged gutter, spilling over with rainwater. (I really like this metaphor! :-))

As I gaze over my desk, I remember that I should straighten up the books and papers that are covering its surface.

You might want to add one more line about how you are now ready to commence your day. And I do think "stagger" is a great verb there; just to make sure your reader knows you're not hung over, you might add something about how you need your morning coffee, or you're not a morning person, or something that better explains the staggering. I do think it makes a much more interesting verb than "walk," though.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Early Admission Scheme - article [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing tips:

It is not because they are gifted students, but because they got six As or more

Through the Early Admissions Scheme, they can enjoy campus life one year earlier than their normal peers.

On the one hand,

On the other hand,

Luckily for other secondary schools, as the jumpers are absent to sit for the HKALE, the chance for their form 7 students to get outstanding results is increased. That explains why traditionally famous schools do not usually produce students with outstanding HKALE results.

However, there is a potential downside for them.

They may lose half a year's secondary school life and several months' break time, which normal senior secondary students will have.

because the two exams are very different in their scope and difficulty.

I admit that the less outstanding students taking the exam,

However, it seems to be a paradox and whenever the grades that are easier to get, the grades required to be admitted by the local universities is higher, as the space for local students to enroll in the universities remains changed. - This sentence did not really make sense to me.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / First half - Iago guilt paper [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to give you some more editing advice!

"Iago's ploy to string Roderigo along is his assurance that Desdemona couldn't contrary to nature, long live a black man. - This does not really make sense, grammatically; I think perhaps you were trying to say that "Desdemona could not live long with a black man because it would be contrary to nature."

the Moor's own prejudice against his blackness and belief that the fair Desdemona prefers the white Cassio." (Emma 221)

Othello is insecure with his personalities - how many personalities does he have? :-)

Iago enraged Othello,

In spite of Desdemona's father's discontent, Desdemona married Othello, so Othello should respect her.

Otherwise, she wants to see how much Othello loves her. [delete If you will request to your lover some big thing that only can do your lover, your lover will do it; of course you will be satisfied what you can do and how much loves you your lover.] Desdemona wants Cassio to have his former position back, so she asks Othello many times to restore Cassio to his old career.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I need help about the project introduction [2]

Greetings!

You will need to decide what direction you want your essay to go in. For example, you might want to say something like, "The debate on the quality of television programming and the effects violence has on young viewers continues to rage. The thing that seems to be missing most often is any attempt at a critical assessment of what purpose television really serves on an individual basis or to society a whole."

Then, you could go on to talk about some of the needs TV serves--in addition to the obvious one, entertainment--and whether the television programming industry has any obligation to fill those needs. (You could argue that it does, based on the fact that the government regulates who uses the airwaves; therefore it is the taxpayer who really should be able to have the most input.) I note that you are in Canada, and I am not sure how your government regulates television programming, but I daresay it probably does at least as much regulating as the American government, if not more so.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to write Memo about cultural differences to assist manager [12]

Greetings!

There should be a lot of good information on this subject online; I am always hearing news stories about some new cost-cutting idea airlines are implementing (which usually means bad news for the customer!). I would try, first off, just doing a general internet search using the terms "airlines cost cuts" or "airlines profits" or other combinations of pertinent terms. That should give you some ideas, which you can then try to narrow down a little. Also check out the websites of various airlines or their online magazines if they have one, to see if they have written stories about their money-saving changes. You could even try focusing your search on one airline in particular, as that might make it easier to find articles.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on Emergency Medical careers - need some assistance [3]

Greetings!

There's a limit to how specifically I can help you if you prefer not to post your essay here, but I'll give you some general advice on intros. Remember that your introductory paragraph will contain the thesis statement of your essay, and that what the whole essay derives from. In other words, the thesis statement is, in a nutshell, what your paper is about. For example: "The field of emergency medicine requires dedication, skill, and a passion for the job, and nowhere can this be better demonstrated than in the performance of the front-line heroes known as EMTs." Now, that may not be what you want the thrust of your essay to be about; yours might focus more on the training or some other aspect, but the point is to try to sum it up in one sentence. Then, everything else in your essay relates back to that. If you are having a hard time doing that, based on what you have already written, then you might want to give your essay a critical look to make sure that it holds together, and does not wander around. If it stays on point, then focus on making that point your thesis.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay a place you spend a lot of time [5]

Greetings!

I think that your descriptions are very good! I suppose the staggering depends upon how much a "morning person" one is or isn't! :-)

Here are some editing tips:

I start feeling the warmth of the sun coming in through the window; the cool air, from the early morning, quickly fades away as the wind blows the warm air into the room.

Birds begin singing their little morning songs and I hear faraway dogs barking for their breakfast.

The mug is olive green with a touch of dark brown around the top of the mug's edge. (Although, "around its top edge" would be better.)

Good writing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / English research paper on medicine [4]

Greetings!

Many medical schools post their curriculum for medical students online. For example, here is one from Virginia Commonwealth University, which I found simply using an internet search with the terms "medical school curriculum":

Harvard Medical School felt it was so important, they founded a Division of Nutrition in 1996 to make nutrition a discipline. I found their site using the search terms "nutrition medical training": nutrition.med.harvard.edu

Usually the most obvious search terms will do the trick; occasionally you must be a bit more creative and mix them up a bit. Try varying combinations of words like "medical school," "nutrition studies," "medical training nutrition curriculum," and so forth. Search using typical internet search engines, and also within your school library's databases for articles in nutrition and medical journals.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Faerie Queene Book I--Help editing/criticizing my 4 page paper [4]

Greetings!

The way that you are protected against plagiarism on this site is by using your real name when you sign up. That way, there is a record that you are the author of the essay. Many students post here without any problem from plagiarism checkers, because your membership on this site shows that you are the original author.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Help on the poem Bully [5]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job with your analysis. I particularly liked this: "the minorities are doing to Roosevelt what he did to them in the 19th century by taking over US territory and by establishing their own culture" and also your comments about the title, "Bully."

Here are some suggestions for grammatical and punctuation changes:

In the poem, "Bully" (1990), Martín Espada uses irony in a way to describe two major events in America's history that counteract each other.

But yet the theme can also be about war or change, because what Espada writes about in the poem. - This is a bit awkward. Better would be "Espinada also touches on themes of war and how societies change over time."

The reason for saying that the theme can be numerous things is that Espada talks about Roosevelt's involvement in the Spanish-American War and the things happening in Boston during the 20th century. - Your writing will sound more mature if you avoid explaining in advance that you are explaining your reasons; in other words, leave out "The reason for saying that ... is..." and just give the reason.

During the Spanish-American War, Roosevelt was a major supporter of going to war with the Spanish, although it was seen as unnecessary by President McKinley and others (Spanish-American War). At the same time Espada also talks of the desegregation movements and immigration occurring in Boston and America.

The poem contrasts the beliefs Roosevelt had of ethnocentrism and reasons for invading the Caribbean with that of the desegregation movements in Boston.

[delete: Reasons for it representing great significance is] It gives the image of how Roosevelt was when things started to turn against the US in the war

But once the reader does some research and learns of the different events that occurred during these two time periods, they can start to recognize things that relate to each of these events that Espada is trying to express.

The poem may be considered controversial in that people may say that Espada is offending Roosevelt's name by saying he was ethnocentric and against diversity, granted it is true.

Espada may have written this poem to show cultural criticism against America, by saying that, whether they like it or not, America is becoming a more diverse country and his people have the right to be here.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

Greetings!

Yes, I think you're right; make your introduction one paragraph. It was just a little unclear from your original what the thesis was. Is the topic supposed to be the definition of a good teacher, or the definition of education? That makes a difference as to how you approach it. I like the sentence you came up with to connect the two paragraphs into one, but I might modify it slightly: "The best teachers encourage parents to be involved and participate in their children's classroom activities." Remember never to use an apostrophe to make something plural: encourage parents [plural]; encourage parents' children [possessive].

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Greetings!

It can be very difficult writing about yourself, but the one good thing is, you know yourself better than anyone else does! "Where to start" is a good question. Think about it from the school's point of view: why should they admit you to their university? What skills, qualities, and experiences do or have you had that would make you a successful student there? Start by saying something like "I have always had an interest in [whatever you plan to study--or you could even say "a passion for..." if it's true.] Or, perhaps you just recently discovered your interest in your chosen major; tell how that came about. After you explain what you are interested in and why, discuss what courses you have taken in high school that prepared you for your university studies. Also talk about any extracurricular activities you've engaged in, to show your outside interests: sports, clubs, volunteer work, even playing guitar or collecting coins--anything that gives a better picture of who you are. But the main focus will, of course, be on your studies, so spend the most time there. To end, tell the school what you hope to accomplish there. For example: "With my Bachelor's degree in international studies, I plan to go on to law school, to become an international lawyer specializing in multinational corporate contracts." Be sure to mention why the programs at U. Pittsburgh are perfect for your chosen course of study. If you have not yet decided on a major, that's okay, too. Just let the school know that you have studied their available programs and look forward to narrowing down your major from the offered courses of study, and name two or three that interest you.

I hope this helps get you started. If you'd like help with editing your essay once you have a rough draft, feel free to post it here!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Contrast & Comparison Research paper comparing/contrasting 2 poems/MLA [2]

Greetings!

Remain calm! The great thing about a research paper is that you can use others' criticisms rather than coming up with all the analysis on your own! You say you don't know where to start, but actually, you do: you read through everything. You'd be surprised how many people try to start writing without doing that. :-) Next, I would suggest that you note the highlights of each criticism. If possible, you might want to copy the selected highlights into a new document, to make, essentially, a list of the most important points. You can then decide what order you want to discuss those point in, and sketch a rough outline of the order of your paragraphs.

Often, when starting the writing itself feels like hitting a brick wall, the major obstacle seems to be "I have no idea what to write for a thesis statement!" If that's the case with you, skip it for now. Once you decide what points will be contained in your paper, you can then concentrate on summarizing the main focus into a cohesive thesis, in a sentence or two. Study the theses from the critiques you have, to see how other writers have stated them.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com