EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
Research Papers / Research Paper on Epigentics [4]
No problem.
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
No problem.
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
Writing Feedback / Smoking ban in all public places - persuasive essay [2]
Good afternoon!
I'm glad you're back! You are very welcome for the help, I'm glad it makes a difference!
Persuasive essays (I think) are a lot of fun because you really get a chance to shine as a writer, more so than in analytical essays where the stuffiness of academics can get in the way of your writing style.
Let's see what we've got here!
This is a good rough draft! I can easily pick out your main topic (that you support smoking bans), your first supporting detail (that second hand smoke is dangerous to non-smokers-you support this with your personal story about your brother, fulfilling the personalization requirement) your second supporting detail, that smoking is a bad behavior that young children model, perhaps leading them to other drug abuse, and your third supporting detail (the damage your dad's employee caused to his product, again relating to your life fulfilling the personalization requirement).
I absolutely think you're on the right track! I can't wait for you to post the rest!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon!
I'm glad you're back! You are very welcome for the help, I'm glad it makes a difference!
Persuasive essays (I think) are a lot of fun because you really get a chance to shine as a writer, more so than in analytical essays where the stuffiness of academics can get in the way of your writing style.
Let's see what we've got here!
This is a good rough draft! I can easily pick out your main topic (that you support smoking bans), your first supporting detail (that second hand smoke is dangerous to non-smokers-you support this with your personal story about your brother, fulfilling the personalization requirement) your second supporting detail, that smoking is a bad behavior that young children model, perhaps leading them to other drug abuse, and your third supporting detail (the damage your dad's employee caused to his product, again relating to your life fulfilling the personalization requirement).
I absolutely think you're on the right track! I can't wait for you to post the rest!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
Research Papers / Research Paper on Epigentics [4]
Good afternoon!
It looks like you have a well organized outline; when you are creating your content, make sure you cite all sources that are not your own original work, including paraphrasing. When you have finished writing your essay, submit it to any one of the numerous sites that check for plagiarism; there are many out there and a lot of them are free.
Your thesis looks like it matches your outline, so I think you've got a good start. I really suggest checking your essay with one of the websites I mentioned above; not only does this guard against plagiarism, it can help you rewrite troublesome spots in your paper.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon!
It looks like you have a well organized outline; when you are creating your content, make sure you cite all sources that are not your own original work, including paraphrasing. When you have finished writing your essay, submit it to any one of the numerous sites that check for plagiarism; there are many out there and a lot of them are free.
Your thesis looks like it matches your outline, so I think you've got a good start. I really suggest checking your essay with one of the websites I mentioned above; not only does this guard against plagiarism, it can help you rewrite troublesome spots in your paper.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
Essays / Contrast essay - I need help chosing/fine tuning my opening paragraphs! [2]
I believe, as I'll bet your instructor will, that the sooner you get to the point the better. The second paragraph is structurally and argumentatively the strongest.
"Most movies labeled "true stories" generated today seem to be genuine life experiences that captivate audiences with it'stheir good looking people and perfectly scripted lines. However, most movies are actually a superficial, twisted version of the occurrences they claim to be "based upon" . For example, the page-turnerturning classic novel King Arthur(Refer to your citation style for the correct formatting of this title; some styles require italics, while others require quotation marks.) contains a chapter about two lovebirds, Tristan and Isolde. Hollywood took this classical piece of literature and butchered it by making a movie with many alterations of the story line. These changes from the book to the movie include marriage, death and love." Great job!
I believe, as I'll bet your instructor will, that the sooner you get to the point the better. The second paragraph is structurally and argumentatively the strongest.
"Most movies labeled "true stories" generated today seem to be genuine life experiences that captivate audiences with it'stheir good looking people and perfectly scripted lines. However, most movies are actually a superficial, twisted version of the occurrences they claim to be "based upon" . For example, the page-turnerturning classic novel King Arthur(Refer to your citation style for the correct formatting of this title; some styles require italics, while others require quotation marks.) contains a chapter about two lovebirds, Tristan and Isolde. Hollywood took this classical piece of literature and butchered it by making a movie with many alterations of the story line. These changes from the book to the movie include marriage, death and love." Great job!
EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
Undergraduate / "If time travel were possible..." - help with this essay [2]
Good morning!
Ok, let's see; how about this:
"...choose this time period is because it shows the resilience of the humankind." "...choose this time period because it shows the resilience of mankind."
"Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit." Make sure you cite this quote; as it is in quotation marks it should be followed by the author's last name and a page or paragraph number.
"As we read through our history books we are transformed, at least temporarily, by the inspiration of such courage and moved by such incredible acts of service and character. It would be incredible to experience this for myself."
Good job!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
Ok, let's see; how about this:
"...choose this time period is because it shows the resilience of the humankind." "...choose this time period because it shows the resilience of mankind."
"Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit." Make sure you cite this quote; as it is in quotation marks it should be followed by the author's last name and a page or paragraph number.
"As we read through our history books we are transformed, at least temporarily, by the inspiration of such courage and moved by such incredible acts of service and character. It would be incredible to experience this for myself."
Good job!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 21, 2008
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Selfishness and politics research paper and outline [13]
Good evening!
You are welcome. For examples of MLA in text and work cited pages, do an internet keyword search for "MLA citation examples". Following a model will make sure that you don't get counted off for improper citation.
Good luck!
Good evening!
You are welcome. For examples of MLA in text and work cited pages, do an internet keyword search for "MLA citation examples". Following a model will make sure that you don't get counted off for improper citation.
Good luck!
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Book Reports / Comparing two works into a 3.5 essay [2]
Good evening!
The first similar theme that the two works have in common right off the bat is that of pseudo-poison. All of the main characters in both stories are involved in situations where fake poisoning has lead to real poisoning with disasterous consequences.
In regards to structure, a standard 3.5 format should look like this (you can find examples to model from by doing an internet keyword search for "3.5 writing format"):
Introduction
A. Introduction/Hook
B. Thesis Statement
C. Statements of Organization, or "SORG"s
1. SORG1 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 1)
2. SORG2 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 2)
3. SORG3 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 3)
D. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
II. Body
A. First Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
B. Second Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
C. Third Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
III. Conclusion
A. Restatement of Thesis
B. Restatement of SORGs (it's OK if this is one sentence structured as a list including all of the statements you wrote above)
C. Don't summarize; retell your material but as a refresher. Tell us what you've already told us.
D. Finish by wrapping it up in a sentence or two.
As for the introduction, you really need to decide on your topic sentence/thesis statement before you write that.
I hope this helps get you started!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening!
The first similar theme that the two works have in common right off the bat is that of pseudo-poison. All of the main characters in both stories are involved in situations where fake poisoning has lead to real poisoning with disasterous consequences.
In regards to structure, a standard 3.5 format should look like this (you can find examples to model from by doing an internet keyword search for "3.5 writing format"):
Introduction
A. Introduction/Hook
B. Thesis Statement
C. Statements of Organization, or "SORG"s
1. SORG1 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 1)
2. SORG2 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 2)
3. SORG3 (may be the topic sentence for body paragraph 3)
D. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
II. Body
A. First Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
B. Second Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
C. Third Body Paragraph
1. Topic Sentence
2. Supporting statement 1 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
3. Supporting statement 2 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
4. Supporting statement 3 (proof, examples, quotes, etc.)
5. End hook (should also act as a transition into next paragraph).
III. Conclusion
A. Restatement of Thesis
B. Restatement of SORGs (it's OK if this is one sentence structured as a list including all of the statements you wrote above)
C. Don't summarize; retell your material but as a refresher. Tell us what you've already told us.
D. Finish by wrapping it up in a sentence or two.
As for the introduction, you really need to decide on your topic sentence/thesis statement before you write that.
I hope this helps get you started!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Research Papers / Childfree Christians [4]
Good evening!
It looks like your wording is good, there's just some mechanical errors. How about this:
"In the past 100 years social, economic, and environmental changes have caused Christian women to call into question previously held ideals regarding motherhood and reproduction, leading many to the belief that a woman seeking to serve God has sever other equally valid options available to her."
Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening!
It looks like your wording is good, there's just some mechanical errors. How about this:
"In the past 100 years social, economic, and environmental changes have caused Christian women to call into question previously held ideals regarding motherhood and reproduction, leading many to the belief that a woman seeking to serve God has sever other equally valid options available to her."
Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Selfishness and politics research paper and outline [13]
OK, here goes the second part:
"On the contrary to the negative outcomes of selfish policies of the power holders, altruistic policies provide better conditions for a country. The more the authorities worked in cooperation and in an altruistic manner, the more the state takes less risk and obtained more positive outcomes. There are many examples that prove us how altruistic policies affect the state positively. Independence War of Turkish nationThe Turkish War of Independence is one of the most obvious examples of self sacrifice and altruistic behaviour. In contrary to the divisionistpolicypolicies of Hitler, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk created a unity in public. Turkish society also worked for its country;the Turkish people thinkthought of their country before their own lives. Even though enemies wanted to arrest Ataturk and execute him, Ataturk was ready to sacrifice his own life. He had never thought to save his lifeHow do you know this? Cite your information . Not only in war years, but also in the first years of Turkey, he thought about Turkish society. He had never used his power for himself or for a group's benefitAren't the Turkish people a group? Didn't he think for their welfare? . As a result, the public trusted him and become a unityunited . Army was in war in Germany; however, public was in war in independence war of TurkeyIn Germany's case, the army was at war; during the Turkish war for independence, the Turkish public was at war . It is impossible to provide that kind of unity by selfish policies. Ataturk did not divide people related to their nationalities as Hitler did; Turkish people or Kurdish people or Circassians fightfought together. EitherBoth Turkey orand Germany had foreign enemies; both countries had to fight against different countries. However, Germany had to handle withattacked its own citizens, who are Jews; on the other hand Turkey provided the unity against an exterior enemy with all its citizens; f ewer enemies mean easier war. It is hard to think how Turkey would have fought if there had been also a civil war. Ataturk's altruistic policy brought better conditionsRemove because it is redundant . I f the situations of Germany and Turkey are compared, it is obvious that Hitler's dictatorship management style with selfish behaviours was not permanent, but Turkish politics still holds."
The conclusion is good; it wraps the paragraph up nicely. In essence, you have spent the paragraph comparing the two and this statement sums it all up.
Post the rest when you are ready, and we can continue. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OK, here goes the second part:
"On the contrary to the negative outcomes of selfish policies of the power holders, altruistic policies provide better conditions for a country. The more the authorities worked in cooperation and in an altruistic manner, the more the state takes less risk and obtained more positive outcomes. There are many examples that prove us how altruistic policies affect the state positively. Independence War of Turkish nationThe Turkish War of Independence is one of the most obvious examples of self sacrifice and altruistic behaviour. In contrary to the divisionistpolicypolicies of Hitler, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk created a unity in public. Turkish society also worked for its country;the Turkish people thinkthought of their country before their own lives. Even though enemies wanted to arrest Ataturk and execute him, Ataturk was ready to sacrifice his own life. He had never thought to save his lifeHow do you know this? Cite your information . Not only in war years, but also in the first years of Turkey, he thought about Turkish society. He had never used his power for himself or for a group's benefitAren't the Turkish people a group? Didn't he think for their welfare? . As a result, the public trusted him and become a unityunited . Army was in war in Germany; however, public was in war in independence war of TurkeyIn Germany's case, the army was at war; during the Turkish war for independence, the Turkish public was at war . It is impossible to provide that kind of unity by selfish policies. Ataturk did not divide people related to their nationalities as Hitler did; Turkish people or Kurdish people or Circassians fightfought together. EitherBoth Turkey orand Germany had foreign enemies; both countries had to fight against different countries. However, Germany had to handle withattacked its own citizens, who are Jews; on the other hand Turkey provided the unity against an exterior enemy with all its citizens; f ewer enemies mean easier war. It is hard to think how Turkey would have fought if there had been also a civil war. Ataturk's altruistic policy brought better conditionsRemove because it is redundant . I f the situations of Germany and Turkey are compared, it is obvious that Hitler's dictatorship management style with selfish behaviours was not permanent, but Turkish politics still holds."
The conclusion is good; it wraps the paragraph up nicely. In essence, you have spent the paragraph comparing the two and this statement sums it all up.
Post the rest when you are ready, and we can continue. Good work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Selfishness and politics research paper and outline [13]
You have a very strong conclusion to this paragraph. Good job. In this first paragraph, are you playing the devil's advocate and advocating Hitler's actions? If so, you need to be more assertive; he did many good things for the German people: the autobahn, for example. He led the country and they followed him because they were so desperate for leadership that at the time they would have followed anyone. Why were they so desperate for leadership? What was Hitler's real vision for Germany (what did he mean to accomplish by ridding Germany of Jews?) You begin this first part by explaining that this division can be done for the good of the country, so it looks like from the beginning you are going to show the good in this situation, but as you go on in the essay you turn sides and illustrate the bad. It's just a little confusing for the reader as we travel through the essay.
Also, what citation style are you using?
You have a very strong conclusion to this paragraph. Good job. In this first paragraph, are you playing the devil's advocate and advocating Hitler's actions? If so, you need to be more assertive; he did many good things for the German people: the autobahn, for example. He led the country and they followed him because they were so desperate for leadership that at the time they would have followed anyone. Why were they so desperate for leadership? What was Hitler's real vision for Germany (what did he mean to accomplish by ridding Germany of Jews?) You begin this first part by explaining that this division can be done for the good of the country, so it looks like from the beginning you are going to show the good in this situation, but as you go on in the essay you turn sides and illustrate the bad. It's just a little confusing for the reader as we travel through the essay.
Also, what citation style are you using?
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Book Reports / The Pigman Book Report Help [11]
Good afternoon!
I think you have clarified what you mean with clear examples; that helps the reader draw parallels from your comparisons and better understand your analysis. Good job here.
I think this is a very good rough draft; in that it is a rough draft, it's OK that it's choppy. You have a skeleton with a few supporting details under each main point pillar. Your peer evaluation can help you with transitions and filler details that will help pad the transitions, which is why you feel it is choppy. As you add these things your word count will grow as well, creating a much softer, well rounded essay.
I can't wait for your next posting!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon!
I think you have clarified what you mean with clear examples; that helps the reader draw parallels from your comparisons and better understand your analysis. Good job here.
I think this is a very good rough draft; in that it is a rough draft, it's OK that it's choppy. You have a skeleton with a few supporting details under each main point pillar. Your peer evaluation can help you with transitions and filler details that will help pad the transitions, which is why you feel it is choppy. As you add these things your word count will grow as well, creating a much softer, well rounded essay.
I can't wait for your next posting!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
Good afternoon!
A thesis statement usually lets the reader know right away what your stance on an issue is; they judge the topic and content of your essay from the thesis statement. You could rewrite your thesis to something such as, "Adoptive parents should be required to inform their adopted children that they are not their biological parents. Adopted children should be able to access their biological parents unequivocally when it is a medical emergency, and under other less extreme circumstances if the parents are willing, and the meeting would pose no physical or emotional harm to the child."
In regards to your first sentence which you find contradictory, I think that both sentences (the original and the rewrite) would work just fine; you explain that the children are able to find the information because it is public knowledge, but the power of a select few keeps them just arm's reach from it because they feel it would disrupt their "perfect" community.
In regards to the sentence about birthmother's debates, how about something like, "Importantly, the majority of the birthmothers argue whether adult adoptees should have access to biological parent adoption records on file and keeping them open for ready access."
In regards to your last section, how about just changing a few words to your rewrite: "Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children or their professional representatives shall have access to biological parental records when it is deemed medically necessary." I'm not really sure what the consent and contract sentences have to do with this; you could leave those off and be fine as it is.
Keep up the hard work; it is a lot, but you are doing a great job. This is how we learn!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon!
A thesis statement usually lets the reader know right away what your stance on an issue is; they judge the topic and content of your essay from the thesis statement. You could rewrite your thesis to something such as, "Adoptive parents should be required to inform their adopted children that they are not their biological parents. Adopted children should be able to access their biological parents unequivocally when it is a medical emergency, and under other less extreme circumstances if the parents are willing, and the meeting would pose no physical or emotional harm to the child."
In regards to your first sentence which you find contradictory, I think that both sentences (the original and the rewrite) would work just fine; you explain that the children are able to find the information because it is public knowledge, but the power of a select few keeps them just arm's reach from it because they feel it would disrupt their "perfect" community.
In regards to the sentence about birthmother's debates, how about something like, "Importantly, the majority of the birthmothers argue whether adult adoptees should have access to biological parent adoption records on file and keeping them open for ready access."
In regards to your last section, how about just changing a few words to your rewrite: "Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children or their professional representatives shall have access to biological parental records when it is deemed medically necessary." I'm not really sure what the consent and contract sentences have to do with this; you could leave those off and be fine as it is.
Keep up the hard work; it is a lot, but you are doing a great job. This is how we learn!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 19, 2008
Poetry / "I thought it wasn't real" - Holocaust poem [2]
Good morning!
You have a very powerful poem here; it is very descriptive and emotional. A lot of unexpressed fear comes through your stanzas.
I'm not really sure if the stanzas meet your instructor's requirements though; I believe you have captured the five senses adequately, but I do not see the simile or metaphor component that you specify is required.
A simile is comparing two things using "like" or "as", and a metaphor is symbolically replacing one item with another unlike item. So, you could use the simile in stanza 3; "Knowing I couldn't help them was worse/Like being a helpless bystander/So I stopped and thought...". Then you could use the metaphor in stanza 5; "Sufferings I heard they had been through/That I would soon go through/Understanding and appreciation a murky puddle about to become crystal/To get out of this nightmare...".
Or, you could rewrite and spend one entire stanza on the simile, and another entire stanza on the metaphor; whichever you find more appropriate.
Good work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
You have a very powerful poem here; it is very descriptive and emotional. A lot of unexpressed fear comes through your stanzas.
I'm not really sure if the stanzas meet your instructor's requirements though; I believe you have captured the five senses adequately, but I do not see the simile or metaphor component that you specify is required.
A simile is comparing two things using "like" or "as", and a metaphor is symbolically replacing one item with another unlike item. So, you could use the simile in stanza 3; "Knowing I couldn't help them was worse/Like being a helpless bystander/So I stopped and thought...". Then you could use the metaphor in stanza 5; "Sufferings I heard they had been through/That I would soon go through/Understanding and appreciation a murky puddle about to become crystal/To get out of this nightmare...".
Or, you could rewrite and spend one entire stanza on the simile, and another entire stanza on the metaphor; whichever you find more appropriate.
Good work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 19, 2008
Book Reports / The Pigman Book Report Help [11]
Good morning!
I'm glad to have helped! It looks like your essay is coming along very nicely. Just a couple of suggestions:
"...cold shower and them leaving the..." Change "them" to "then".
"...showing sign of..." Change "sign" to "signs".
I'm still a little confused with the term you use, "dying potential"; I'm not really sure what that is. Do you mean that as he ages his potential dwindles? Or, is this some kind of reference to his death at the end of the story?
Your organization is coming along nicely; you use good transitions between paragraphs and the flow is good.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
I'm glad to have helped! It looks like your essay is coming along very nicely. Just a couple of suggestions:
"...cold shower and them leaving the..." Change "them" to "then".
"...showing sign of..." Change "sign" to "signs".
I'm still a little confused with the term you use, "dying potential"; I'm not really sure what that is. Do you mean that as he ages his potential dwindles? Or, is this some kind of reference to his death at the end of the story?
Your organization is coming along nicely; you use good transitions between paragraphs and the flow is good.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 18, 2008
Writing Feedback / Natural fiber-reinforced composites paragraph (improve grammar question) [2]
Good morning!
OK, how about, "This, coupled with the distinctiveness of being an environmentally friendly option in that these fibers can be obtained from renewable sources, makes natural fiber-reinforced composites a sustainable material for the future."
Or,
"This, coupled with the uniqueness of being an environmentally friendly option, because these fibers can be obtained from renewable sources, make natural fiber-reinforced composites a material useful for the future."
I hope this helps!
Good morning!
OK, how about, "This, coupled with the distinctiveness of being an environmentally friendly option in that these fibers can be obtained from renewable sources, makes natural fiber-reinforced composites a sustainable material for the future."
Or,
"This, coupled with the uniqueness of being an environmentally friendly option, because these fibers can be obtained from renewable sources, make natural fiber-reinforced composites a material useful for the future."
I hope this helps!
EF_Team5
May 18, 2008
Research Papers / Research Paper on: Why is oil price so high?? [2]
Good job!
The introduction works really well; the conclusion needs a little cleaning up structurally. The content is good, but go ahead and make it its own paragraph. Start with "We cannot compete..." indented and starting its own paragraph.
A couple of suggestions for your in text citations. If you are quoting a website without an author, the in text citation should look like this:
("Name of article"). If there is an author, use only the author's name in the in-text citation (So-and-so, year). In the works cited page is where you specify where you physically located the information. For the works cited page, here is an example:
Author. "Title of Web Page." Title of the Site. Editor. Date and/or Version Number.
Name of Sponsoring Institution. Date of Access <URL>.
Make sure you using hanging indentation for each of your work cited entries that require more than one line. Also, the works cited page needs to be in alphabetical order, according to last names and article titles. It should start with
Campbell, C. J. "Oil Crisis." Oil Crisis.
and end with The End of Cheap Oil." National Geographic Magazine. June-July 2004. National Geographic.
I hope this helps!
Good job!
The introduction works really well; the conclusion needs a little cleaning up structurally. The content is good, but go ahead and make it its own paragraph. Start with "We cannot compete..." indented and starting its own paragraph.
A couple of suggestions for your in text citations. If you are quoting a website without an author, the in text citation should look like this:
("Name of article"). If there is an author, use only the author's name in the in-text citation (So-and-so, year). In the works cited page is where you specify where you physically located the information. For the works cited page, here is an example:
Author. "Title of Web Page." Title of the Site. Editor. Date and/or Version Number.
Name of Sponsoring Institution. Date of Access <URL>.
Make sure you using hanging indentation for each of your work cited entries that require more than one line. Also, the works cited page needs to be in alphabetical order, according to last names and article titles. It should start with
Campbell, C. J. "Oil Crisis." Oil Crisis.
and end with The End of Cheap Oil." National Geographic Magazine. June-July 2004. National Geographic.
I hope this helps!
EF_Team5
May 17, 2008
Book Reports / The Pigman Book Report Help [11]
Good evening.
The first paragraph of your essay is very clear and concise. You draw some good conclusions and explain them very well. The beginning analysis of your second paragraph is clear and organized as well. You stray slightly during your second example. Clarifying what you mean by "dying potential" will probably help you illustrate your example and analysis more clearly. I was a little lost with the piggy bank analogy; perhaps you could tie that in a little better. Perhaps something like, "...ceramic pigs remind most people of saving money, but Pigman's pigs weren't used for that. Therefore, they did not have the same potential as those moneybanks, rendering them useless. Like his pigs, the Pigman has lost his potential to do anything." Why is that? You could use this opportunity to draw a conclusion between how the Pigman got where he is and why, and why that causes him to collect these figurines.
Let me know when you have more!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening.
The first paragraph of your essay is very clear and concise. You draw some good conclusions and explain them very well. The beginning analysis of your second paragraph is clear and organized as well. You stray slightly during your second example. Clarifying what you mean by "dying potential" will probably help you illustrate your example and analysis more clearly. I was a little lost with the piggy bank analogy; perhaps you could tie that in a little better. Perhaps something like, "...ceramic pigs remind most people of saving money, but Pigman's pigs weren't used for that. Therefore, they did not have the same potential as those moneybanks, rendering them useless. Like his pigs, the Pigman has lost his potential to do anything." Why is that? You could use this opportunity to draw a conclusion between how the Pigman got where he is and why, and why that causes him to collect these figurines.
Let me know when you have more!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 17, 2008
Research Papers / Writing a a preface; need help with citation. [4]
Good evening!
The answer to your question depends on the citation style you are using; different citation styles require different formats. To find out specific examples for your citation style, try doing an internet search for the name of the style; "MLA" for example, and then "in-text citation examples". This should bring you examples of titles used in the body of an essay, and you can model yours from their examples.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening!
The answer to your question depends on the citation style you are using; different citation styles require different formats. To find out specific examples for your citation style, try doing an internet search for the name of the style; "MLA" for example, and then "in-text citation examples". This should bring you examples of titles used in the body of an essay, and you can model yours from their examples.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 17, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay on describing traffic jam [10]
Good evening.
If you are looking for solutions for traffic congestion in a specific area, I suggest doing an internet search using keywords such as "traffic congestion solutions" and then the name of a certain area, intersection, or neighborhood in Miami. This will help bring up relevant, narrow information, helping you stay focused on one thing; this also may provide more information you can use.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening.
If you are looking for solutions for traffic congestion in a specific area, I suggest doing an internet search using keywords such as "traffic congestion solutions" and then the name of a certain area, intersection, or neighborhood in Miami. This will help bring up relevant, narrow information, helping you stay focused on one thing; this also may provide more information you can use.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 16, 2008
Book Reports / Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim? [4]
Good morning!
No problem. Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
No problem. Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 15, 2008
Book Reports / 'The pear' by John Steinbeck - I need help about thesis statement [5]
Good morning!
Your essay turned out very well! It is very organized, you stay on your topics, and you use clear details to explain your opinions.
There are some mechanical errors:
"Kino is the responsible one in his family . He is the man of his family; he realizes his role in his family and takes full responsibility to do what is necessary to fulfill his family's needs. In the beginning of the book, he is proud of his baby and wife. When Coyotito gets stung by the scorpion, Kino shows us how important his family is to him. He takes the baby to a doctor who only helps rich people. When Kino finds the pearl, he plans to sell the pearl and make enough money to support his wife and send his son to school. He has a wonderful dream and he is happy with it. He thinks the pearl can bring good luck to his family. Greed begins to fill Kino's mind. His greed becomes strong and he beats his wife to protect the pearl. Later, he knows the pearl has brought the family a lot of evil. So in the end, Kino changes; he realized that all he needed is his family and he flings the pearl into the ocean.
Juana is a character who is very down to earth. She loves her family and respects her husband. For example "When Kino finished his breakfast, Juana come back to the fire and ate her breakfast."(Insert your citation here) She is satisfied with the way they are living and she is going along with Kino's dream. For instance, When Kino find the Pearl, evil begin to happening in their home. Juana quickly begins to realize that the pearl is evil, but she still continues to go along with Kino's dream. Eventually, she begins to suggest the destruction of the pearl and propose that they throw the pearl back to he ocean. Juana's remind keep Kino in a right way (This is confusing-perhaps rewrite to something such as, "Juana keeps Kino focused") .
The doctor represents evil in this book. H e lives in the rich part of the town. His life is different from Kino's. He is a very greedy man. He only helps people if they have money. "No, they never have any money. I, I alone in the world am supposed to work for nothing- and I am tired of it. See if he has any money!" (Insert your citation here). He refused to see Kino in the first time because he didn't have money. After he heard Kino gets the Pearl, h e went to Kino's house and heals the baby. All he wants is money.
The responsible character of Kino, the more practical one of Juana and the evil of the doctor makes this book interesting. The writer creates deeply developed characters, and a good book should have good characters."
I hope this helps.
Good morning!
Your essay turned out very well! It is very organized, you stay on your topics, and you use clear details to explain your opinions.
There are some mechanical errors:
"Kino is the responsible one in his family . He is the man of his family; he realizes his role in his family and takes full responsibility to do what is necessary to fulfill his family's needs. In the beginning of the book, he is proud of his baby and wife. When Coyotito gets stung by the scorpion, Kino shows us how important his family is to him. He takes the baby to a doctor who only helps rich people. When Kino finds the pearl, he plans to sell the pearl and make enough money to support his wife and send his son to school. He has a wonderful dream and he is happy with it. He thinks the pearl can bring good luck to his family. Greed begins to fill Kino's mind. His greed becomes strong and he beats his wife to protect the pearl. Later, he knows the pearl has brought the family a lot of evil. So in the end, Kino changes; he realized that all he needed is his family and he flings the pearl into the ocean.
Juana is a character who is very down to earth. She loves her family and respects her husband. For example "When Kino finished his breakfast, Juana come back to the fire and ate her breakfast."(Insert your citation here) She is satisfied with the way they are living and she is going along with Kino's dream. For instance, When Kino find the Pearl, evil begin to happening in their home. Juana quickly begins to realize that the pearl is evil, but she still continues to go along with Kino's dream. Eventually, she begins to suggest the destruction of the pearl and propose that they throw the pearl back to he ocean. Juana's remind keep Kino in a right way (This is confusing-perhaps rewrite to something such as, "Juana keeps Kino focused") .
The doctor represents evil in this book. H e lives in the rich part of the town. His life is different from Kino's. He is a very greedy man. He only helps people if they have money. "No, they never have any money. I, I alone in the world am supposed to work for nothing- and I am tired of it. See if he has any money!" (Insert your citation here). He refused to see Kino in the first time because he didn't have money. After he heard Kino gets the Pearl, h e went to Kino's house and heals the baby. All he wants is money.
The responsible character of Kino, the more practical one of Juana and the evil of the doctor makes this book interesting. The writer creates deeply developed characters, and a good book should have good characters."
I hope this helps.
EF_Team5
May 15, 2008
Book Reports / Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim? [4]
Good morning!
I have not read the text, so I am sorry that I am unable to help you with the content of your essay. If you need assistance with content and analysis, I suggest conducting an internet search using the keywords "Dress Your Family in Courduroy and Denim" and "analysis" or "explanation". This should provide you with some other individuals opinions whom have read the book. They should be able to help you more with content than I can :(
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
I have not read the text, so I am sorry that I am unable to help you with the content of your essay. If you need assistance with content and analysis, I suggest conducting an internet search using the keywords "Dress Your Family in Courduroy and Denim" and "analysis" or "explanation". This should provide you with some other individuals opinions whom have read the book. They should be able to help you more with content than I can :(
Good luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 14, 2008
Writing Feedback / Selfishness and politics research paper and outline [13]
Good evening!
This is a very good rough draft. Let's trim it down a little bit though, because it's too long for an introduction. Remember, for an introduction you are just giving a teaser to the reader about what you are going to tell them; you don't want to give them too many details yet. Also, you don't want to fly right off and use quotes; it's too much too soon.
I suggest the following:
"The purpose of politics is to try and generate different alternatives and solutions for society's disagreements. Political policies can be implemented through holding political power; political power is executed by different authorities, making them the crucial decision makers effecting citizen's lives. The attitudes of these different political authorities play significant roles in social welfare, and selfishness has been one of the most contradictory (I'm not sure if this is the best word choice here; perhaps "hypocritical" or "charlatan" would be more effective.) attitudes of politicians. In terms of political policies, selfish or altruistic administrations are faced with many success and failures. Therefore, it would not be fully correct to state that there is not one certain attitude which guarantees a politician success in ruling a country, but in general selfishness in state administration provides less success and no peace within a society."
This states your thesis statement and gives the reader a broad idea of what you are going to tell them about this topic. It also frees up all that extra information to be put somewhere more effective in your essay.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening!
This is a very good rough draft. Let's trim it down a little bit though, because it's too long for an introduction. Remember, for an introduction you are just giving a teaser to the reader about what you are going to tell them; you don't want to give them too many details yet. Also, you don't want to fly right off and use quotes; it's too much too soon.
I suggest the following:
"The purpose of politics is to try and generate different alternatives and solutions for society's disagreements. Political policies can be implemented through holding political power; political power is executed by different authorities, making them the crucial decision makers effecting citizen's lives. The attitudes of these different political authorities play significant roles in social welfare, and selfishness has been one of the most contradictory (I'm not sure if this is the best word choice here; perhaps "hypocritical" or "charlatan" would be more effective.) attitudes of politicians. In terms of political policies, selfish or altruistic administrations are faced with many success and failures. Therefore, it would not be fully correct to state that there is not one certain attitude which guarantees a politician success in ruling a country, but in general selfishness in state administration provides less success and no peace within a society."
This states your thesis statement and gives the reader a broad idea of what you are going to tell them about this topic. It also frees up all that extra information to be put somewhere more effective in your essay.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 14, 2008
Writing Feedback / many traditional values and customs have been lost. Pls check my essay. [5]
Good morning Sophie!
Unfortunately Sarah left us for other pursuits a few weeks ago; I am sure she would have appreciated your invitation very much, it sounds wonderful.
Have a great day.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning Sophie!
Unfortunately Sarah left us for other pursuits a few weeks ago; I am sure she would have appreciated your invitation very much, it sounds wonderful.
Have a great day.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 14, 2008
Research Papers / The "Rights" to kill-Abortion-Can you help me establish a strong thesis? [2]
Good morning!
Let's see; how about something like, "Aside from God, no one has the right to take a life; as a result of blurred ethical lines when man becomes judge, we have become our own adjudicators of who lives and who dies."
Or something to that effect.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
Let's see; how about something like, "Aside from God, no one has the right to take a life; as a result of blurred ethical lines when man becomes judge, we have become our own adjudicators of who lives and who dies."
Or something to that effect.
I hope this helps.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 14, 2008
Research Papers / Cultural Tradtion &/or Expectation - Americanizing [ 4 page Research Paper] [4]
Good morning!
Well, I think the topics you listed are great ones to start with. What is really going to give your essay the substance you are looking for is research. There is tons of documentation about assimilation out there, you just have to look for it. You can cite specific examples of the experiences of immigrants, along with research conducted by scientists on assimilation. Conducting an internet search on "assimilation" would give you a lot of information to get started with.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
Well, I think the topics you listed are great ones to start with. What is really going to give your essay the substance you are looking for is research. There is tons of documentation about assimilation out there, you just have to look for it. You can cite specific examples of the experiences of immigrants, along with research conducted by scientists on assimilation. Conducting an internet search on "assimilation" would give you a lot of information to get started with.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 14, 2008
Faq, Help / Which is the best site for essay in your opinion? [8]
Good morning!
As I wrote earlier, if you want someone to write your essay, I don't know of any. Do an internet search using the keywords "free essay writers". If you want help with input on one you wrote, you can post it here.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
As I wrote earlier, if you want someone to write your essay, I don't know of any. Do an internet search using the keywords "free essay writers". If you want help with input on one you wrote, you can post it here.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Research Papers / Cultural Tradtion &/or Expectation - Americanizing [ 4 page Research Paper] [4]
Good evening!
As for your thesis statement, you could sum it up with something like, "Cultural assimilation is unavoidable when an immigrant moves to America" or "Retaining a pure cultural heritage is not necessary when moving to America"; if I understand your argument correctly.
As far as organization, my advice is to start out with an outline; start in the middle and work your way out. Start with each of these main two to three points you want to touch on. For each point, list a fact or supporting detail, and then an example of it backed by research. When you have your main points and their supports down, then worry about your introduction and conclusion.
I hope this helps you get started.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening!
As for your thesis statement, you could sum it up with something like, "Cultural assimilation is unavoidable when an immigrant moves to America" or "Retaining a pure cultural heritage is not necessary when moving to America"; if I understand your argument correctly.
As far as organization, my advice is to start out with an outline; start in the middle and work your way out. Start with each of these main two to three points you want to touch on. For each point, list a fact or supporting detail, and then an example of it backed by research. When you have your main points and their supports down, then worry about your introduction and conclusion.
I hope this helps you get started.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Graduate / Sparking Wisdom; I deeply treasure every moment I spend with kids - correct some mistakes [2]
"One day afternoon..." Choose one of these adjectives, either "day" or "afternoon", but not both.
"...Wissal of 4 years old and Nada of 6 years old..." Rewrite to read "Wissal, who is 4 years old, and Nada, who is 6."
"...mediating on them..." Spelling: meditating
"...I envied them their peaceful..." Remove "them".
"...there some thing that..." One word: "something".
"No uncle! nothing.. nothing... Format to" "No, uncle! Nothing...nothing." Surely, she refrained from saying.
"...biscuit and handed it to her."
"No uncle!! I must not eat .. I am fasting" she said ...Format to:
"No uncle! I must not eat. I am fasting," she said with utter firmness and surprising eyes. I was flabbergasted by her reaction and her wise tone, to which I replied, "Really? This is amazing. Who told you to fast?"
"My dad. He told me that Muslims must fast from sunrise till sunrise so as to go the paradise, " she explained.
"Look dear, that is for the old...like your parents and I; but for chidren like you, (Remove) and your friends it is not obligatory. So, eat this biscuit and drink this cup of water and then join your friends and I promise not to tell your father and mother that you ate. Is it ok?"
"No, it is not ok uncle, " she rolled her eyes at me.
"Why dear?" I inquired gently.
"Because I am not fasting for the sake of my father and mother... (Remove) I am fasting for the sake of Allah. "
I hope this helps.
"One day afternoon..." Choose one of these adjectives, either "day" or "afternoon", but not both.
"...Wissal of 4 years old and Nada of 6 years old..." Rewrite to read "Wissal, who is 4 years old, and Nada, who is 6."
"...mediating on them..." Spelling: meditating
"...I envied them their peaceful..." Remove "them".
"...there some thing that..." One word: "something".
"No uncle! nothing.. nothing... Format to" "No, uncle! Nothing...nothing." Surely, she refrained from saying.
"...biscuit and handed it to her."
"No uncle!! I must not eat .. I am fasting" she said ...Format to:
"No uncle! I must not eat. I am fasting," she said with utter firmness and surprising eyes. I was flabbergasted by her reaction and her wise tone, to which I replied, "Really? This is amazing. Who told you to fast?"
"My dad. He told me that Muslims must fast from sunrise till sunrise so as to go the paradise, " she explained.
"Look dear, that is for the old...like your parents and I; but for chidren like you, (Remove) and your friends it is not obligatory. So, eat this biscuit and drink this cup of water and then join your friends and I promise not to tell your father and mother that you ate. Is it ok?"
"No, it is not ok uncle, " she rolled her eyes at me.
"Why dear?" I inquired gently.
"Because I am not fasting for the sake of my father and mother... (Remove) I am fasting for the sake of Allah. "
I hope this helps.
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Book Reports / 'The pear' by John Steinbeck - I need help about thesis statement [5]
How about, "In Steinbeck's novel The Pear, characters are given unique traits such as the responsibility seen in Kino, the practicality displayed by Juana, and the evil illuminated by the doctor."
How about, "In Steinbeck's novel The Pear, characters are given unique traits such as the responsibility seen in Kino, the practicality displayed by Juana, and the evil illuminated by the doctor."
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Essays / Hanson PLC (A) : the acquisition machine - I need help for this paper [5]
Hello, mirbis.
Please keep in mind that this is not an appropriate place for this kind of solicitation. If you would like to contact a member about a specific homework assignment, please check their member profile for an email address or other contact information. It is not always a wise idea to post your personal contact information in a public forum such as this, for your protection. In the future, please keep your postings to relevant requests for essay assistance.
Thank you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Hello, mirbis.
Please keep in mind that this is not an appropriate place for this kind of solicitation. If you would like to contact a member about a specific homework assignment, please check their member profile for an email address or other contact information. It is not always a wise idea to post your personal contact information in a public forum such as this, for your protection. In the future, please keep your postings to relevant requests for essay assistance.
Thank you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Poetry / A limerick I wrote, can u help me perfect it??? [2]
I enjoyed reading your limerick.
There once was a banker named Embers A limerick generally is constructed with five usually anapestic lines with the rhyme scheme of aabba. In your case, the second "a" is "dangers", so a name like "Tangiers", or "Hainjers" would work.
who kept everyone's cash against dangers
Then One day
A farmer came in Since this is your first "b" line, it needs to rhyme with "day". This helps keep the meter.
To store his money from strangers Combine these two lines to keep with the five anapestic lines and your aabba rhyme scheme
He brought with him a cow, who was big and fat
As hungry as a man and who could eat a cat
Now the cow decided (Difficult word to rhyme; how about a synonym such as "settles", "chooses", or "prevocates"
Since there was no grass This is your second "b" verse, so it needs to rhyme with "decided". If we use "settles" in the above line, how about "Since there were no nettles"
He'd have to eat This line needs to rhyme with "fat" and "cat". How about "only that".
Only the greens Green color which he could see
That he could see Which just happened to be
So he broke into the safe Inside the vault
And carried away He was starving; it wasn't his fault
That next he grabbed all the money.
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
All the money
That was left that day
He chowed down on his greens
And Yummed, and Grummed
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
And Meowed and Wowed
Until the money was gone
Then the next day
The banker woke-up
He checked the safe
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
But found everything gone
He screamed and screamed
And ran in a circle.
Until finally
he started to chant
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
"There once was a banker named Embers
who kept everyone's cash against dangers"
In order to keep to the traditional scheme, add three more lines to make a complete five, keeping the rhyming scheme to "aabba".
I hope this helps you.
I enjoyed reading your limerick.
There once was a banker named Embers A limerick generally is constructed with five usually anapestic lines with the rhyme scheme of aabba. In your case, the second "a" is "dangers", so a name like "Tangiers", or "Hainjers" would work.
who kept everyone's cash against dangers
Then One day
A farmer came in Since this is your first "b" line, it needs to rhyme with "day". This helps keep the meter.
To store his money from strangers Combine these two lines to keep with the five anapestic lines and your aabba rhyme scheme
He brought with him a cow, who was big and fat
As hungry as a man and who could eat a cat
Now the cow decided (Difficult word to rhyme; how about a synonym such as "settles", "chooses", or "prevocates"
Since there was no grass This is your second "b" verse, so it needs to rhyme with "decided". If we use "settles" in the above line, how about "Since there were no nettles"
He'd have to eat This line needs to rhyme with "fat" and "cat". How about "only that".
Only the greens Green color which he could see
That he could see Which just happened to be
So he broke into the safe Inside the vault
And carried away He was starving; it wasn't his fault
That next he grabbed all the money.
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
All the money
That was left that day
He chowed down on his greens
And Yummed, and Grummed
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
And Meowed and Wowed
Until the money was gone
Then the next day
The banker woke-up
He checked the safe
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
But found everything gone
He screamed and screamed
And ran in a circle.
Until finally
he started to chant
None of these lines rhyme. Traditionally they should keep to the "aabba" scheme.
"There once was a banker named Embers
who kept everyone's cash against dangers"
In order to keep to the traditional scheme, add three more lines to make a complete five, keeping the rhyming scheme to "aabba".
I hope this helps you.
EF_Team5
May 13, 2008
Faq, Help / Which is the best site for essay in your opinion? [8]
Good morning!
Let's see; if you want someone else to write your essay, I'm not really sure. If you do an internet search on "free essay writers" I'm sure you could come up with something. If you want to write the essay but need help, you can post your assignment here and I will help you along with it. I can help you construct it and then edit it when you are finished; all you provide is the content :)
I hope this helps you out!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good morning!
Let's see; if you want someone else to write your essay, I'm not really sure. If you do an internet search on "free essay writers" I'm sure you could come up with something. If you want to write the essay but need help, you can post your assignment here and I will help you along with it. I can help you construct it and then edit it when you are finished; all you provide is the content :)
I hope this helps you out!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
If you are having trouble staying organized, I suggest an outline. Start by listing each point you would like to touch on regarding adoption (i.e. issues relating to birth parents rights, a child's right to know, etc. Take your time here and list every major point you want to discuss). After you have those listed, under each one list how this relates to your text. Under those relations, list supporting facts and/or details from your secondary sources. When you have it finished you should have four or five points to discuss in depth under each of your main points. Once you have all of your major points listed along with supporting facts/details, examples, and correlations to your text, all you have to do is insert transitions between the paragraphs, add your introduction and tie it all up in a conclusion.
Has your instructor approved your topic/thesis? If not, I suggest contacting him/her to have them help you narrow your thesis down (if necessary).
If you are having trouble staying organized, I suggest an outline. Start by listing each point you would like to touch on regarding adoption (i.e. issues relating to birth parents rights, a child's right to know, etc. Take your time here and list every major point you want to discuss). After you have those listed, under each one list how this relates to your text. Under those relations, list supporting facts and/or details from your secondary sources. When you have it finished you should have four or five points to discuss in depth under each of your main points. Once you have all of your major points listed along with supporting facts/details, examples, and correlations to your text, all you have to do is insert transitions between the paragraphs, add your introduction and tie it all up in a conclusion.
Has your instructor approved your topic/thesis? If not, I suggest contacting him/her to have them help you narrow your thesis down (if necessary).
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Reflective Writing - A Reflection Essay On My Writing [2]
Good evening Randy!
I'd like to give you my impressions before the mechanics. I don't believe I've ever edited an essay of your before; with that said, from reading this essay I cannot believe that you ever had the difficulty writing that you describe. Your essay flows naturally from one point to another, and while there are a handful of mechanical errors, they are not glaring nor are they large ones. (You did format the dialogue correctly-we always give each line of dialogue its own line on the page. This way our reader can keep track of who is speaking.) I felt like I was listening to a story of maturing and growth; not only did you realize how to become a better writer, you realized something about yourself. You learned that you have the inner strength to overcome something that frightens you, and that is a vital tool in life because you can apply it to any number of situations. I also saw someone who recognizes that they need help/improvement in something, and rather than ignoring it and hoping it goes away, you faced it head on and found the tools you needed to help you conquer your problem. I saw you learning how to use the resources around you to become a better writer; not only your mom but a formal class specifically for your weak area. Writers use anything at their disposal to help them write. Your essay displays that the most difficult struggle authors face is that of personal growth through rejection. You write that in the beginning when your mother corrected you, you whined. When your teacher delivered the "horrible news", you merely felt discouraged; and yet, you still post here. You have developed a thick skin and are able to not take criticism as a personal insult but rather as a constructive tool, again, using all tools available to you to improve your writing.
With that said, here are my mechanical suggestions:
"...like the titanic..." (The Titanic is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized.)
"...speaking yet alone how to write a speech..." (Add a comma after "speaking", change "yet" to "let" and add "the know-how" so the structure reads "...speaking, let alone the know-how to write a speech..."
"...I wanted to. So I chose patience..." (Change this period to a comma and join these two independent clauses. We really try not to start sentences with "so".)
"Also I was..." (Add a comma after "Also".)
"...the Internet I..." (Internet is not a proper noun, so it does not need to be capitalized.)
"Your writing needs a lot of improvement." He replied." (We only need one period here. The sentence structure should be, "Your writing needs a lot of improvement," he replied.)
"Unlearn to Write." (The period here goes after the quotation mark. "..."Unlearn to Write".)
That's it! Very nice work!
I hope this helps you, and that you continue writing. You seem to be a dedicated, hard worker, and you have the desire to write.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good evening Randy!
I'd like to give you my impressions before the mechanics. I don't believe I've ever edited an essay of your before; with that said, from reading this essay I cannot believe that you ever had the difficulty writing that you describe. Your essay flows naturally from one point to another, and while there are a handful of mechanical errors, they are not glaring nor are they large ones. (You did format the dialogue correctly-we always give each line of dialogue its own line on the page. This way our reader can keep track of who is speaking.) I felt like I was listening to a story of maturing and growth; not only did you realize how to become a better writer, you realized something about yourself. You learned that you have the inner strength to overcome something that frightens you, and that is a vital tool in life because you can apply it to any number of situations. I also saw someone who recognizes that they need help/improvement in something, and rather than ignoring it and hoping it goes away, you faced it head on and found the tools you needed to help you conquer your problem. I saw you learning how to use the resources around you to become a better writer; not only your mom but a formal class specifically for your weak area. Writers use anything at their disposal to help them write. Your essay displays that the most difficult struggle authors face is that of personal growth through rejection. You write that in the beginning when your mother corrected you, you whined. When your teacher delivered the "horrible news", you merely felt discouraged; and yet, you still post here. You have developed a thick skin and are able to not take criticism as a personal insult but rather as a constructive tool, again, using all tools available to you to improve your writing.
With that said, here are my mechanical suggestions:
"...like the titanic..." (The Titanic is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized.)
"...speaking yet alone how to write a speech..." (Add a comma after "speaking", change "yet" to "let" and add "the know-how" so the structure reads "...speaking, let alone the know-how to write a speech..."
"...I wanted to. So I chose patience..." (Change this period to a comma and join these two independent clauses. We really try not to start sentences with "so".)
"Also I was..." (Add a comma after "Also".)
"...the Internet I..." (Internet is not a proper noun, so it does not need to be capitalized.)
"Your writing needs a lot of improvement." He replied." (We only need one period here. The sentence structure should be, "Your writing needs a lot of improvement," he replied.)
"Unlearn to Write." (The period here goes after the quotation mark. "..."Unlearn to Write".)
That's it! Very nice work!
I hope this helps you, and that you continue writing. You seem to be a dedicated, hard worker, and you have the desire to write.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Essays / How to write essay to describe myself? [22]
Good afternoon!
OK, let's see what we've got here. How about this:
My name is Sinaso Msomi, and I was born on January 16, 1987 in the rural area of St. August in Tsolo. I am the fifth child in a family of seven children, I have three brothers and four sisters; my parents are Mr. and Mrs. Msomi.
I remember going to the arts festival in Grahamstown with my mother to sell traditional clothes that she sewed. In 2004 my sister was ill so I had to leave for the festival before my mother, and she planned to join me later. Shortly after I left we found out my sister was wais? (I'm not sure what this word is. Can you explain it a little better for me? Thank you. . Because of this, I had to do all the bookings of the stalls myself. (Can you also explain a little more about what this is? Thanks.) I had to do this alone because the gentleman that we knew there in the house had to leave to go to Cape Town because of his job. It was up to me to sell all of the clothes by myself, and I found this very difficult.
Please let me know if this is along the lines you want, and what else you would like to add to it.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Good afternoon!
OK, let's see what we've got here. How about this:
My name is Sinaso Msomi, and I was born on January 16, 1987 in the rural area of St. August in Tsolo. I am the fifth child in a family of seven children, I have three brothers and four sisters; my parents are Mr. and Mrs. Msomi.
I remember going to the arts festival in Grahamstown with my mother to sell traditional clothes that she sewed. In 2004 my sister was ill so I had to leave for the festival before my mother, and she planned to join me later. Shortly after I left we found out my sister was wais? (I'm not sure what this word is. Can you explain it a little better for me? Thank you. . Because of this, I had to do all the bookings of the stalls myself. (Can you also explain a little more about what this is? Thanks.) I had to do this alone because the gentleman that we knew there in the house had to leave to go to Cape Town because of his job. It was up to me to sell all of the clothes by myself, and I found this very difficult.
Please let me know if this is along the lines you want, and what else you would like to add to it.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
"An intercountry and foreign adoption issue unaware of hidden problems psychological affects agency failure to reveal information can be disruptive in the relationship to adoptive parents. (This is very confusing. Rewrite it to clarify; perhaps something such as, "Failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents.") "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems, (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Adoption agency seeks and provides a home for many displaced wounded children and happiness for adoptive parents gain hope (This is very confusing. Perhaps rewrite to something like, "Adoption agencies seek and provides homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope." What does this have to do with the undiagnosed psychological problems of foreign adoption candidates?) . Adoptive parents sometimes don't (No contractions! "Do not..." realize what they get (Change to "have gotten.") into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results from (Change to "in".) trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Are you referring to symptoms of the child's undiagnosed mental disorder(s) or results of the frustrated adoptive parent's actions?Agency fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who gain hope for raising a child, completes a responsible family unit(How is this relevant to the adopted child's undiagnosed mental issues?) . Sometimes adoptive families have problems with (Remove) connecting with children. Now it becomes a financial hardship for adoptive parents to connect with adoptee when they invest their time with psychologist. (This is a brand new idea that is left hanging without any substance because you have not written anything previous about this topic. Either add more to it to strengthen this statement, or remove it. As it stands it is an incomplete thought resulting in an uncomplete paragraph.
------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------
In addition a child's behavioral problem becomes (Change to "causes") a major impact on family's (Change to "family" life as it did for (change to "in") Mrs. Hilt's case in (Change to "when") adopting Nina at nine months. In the Newsweek article, "When Adoption Goes Wrong," by Wingert, Pat reports,(Check your required citation style for citing article titles in text. Also, we do not list last names before first when citing in text. This citation should look something like, "...When Adoption Goes Wrong, Pat Wingert reports that Mrs. Hilt...") Mrs. Hilt tried to connect with 2-year Nina, whom was very aggressive and reluctant to affection, (Insert "and") had been a struggle. Nina had violent tantrums and destroyed furniture when Mrs. Hilt was not watching. During Nina's presents (? I'm not sure what you mean here; tantrums? Episodes? Fits?) in Mrs. Hilts frustrations and impatient with Nina's antics has lead her in deep depression as she started drinking that she would never thought or imagine she would do in her entire life. Her depression was dormant from her marriage and outside world. One day Nina was unbearable to handle when Mrs. Hilt could not take it anymore with this uncontrollable rage she had toward Nina's behavior. From this statement, "She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went." Mrs. Hilt does the unthinkable never to hit a child before now that she is punished for innocent Nina deaths before Nina reach the hospital. Now Mrs. Hilt is serving a 19-year sentence in Virginia maximum-security prison (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, Issue 25). (Since this seems to be a direct quote, all of it should be in either quotes or block text, depending on your citation style requirements.)
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Teens psychological effects experience strong impulses for searching biological parents because they want to learn their identity and genetic origin not necessarily problems with adoptive parents. (This is confusing; reword for clarity. Something like, "Teens experience strong impulses to find their biological parents. They want to learn their identity and genetic origin." Then you need to cite a source.) Teens want to know who they are and where they came from originally (Change to "biologically".) . So (Remove, start the sentence with "They".) need answers to puzzling questions. Sometimes teens will feel rejection all over again from their biological parents who don't wish to be responsible for their lives. Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D. from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at North western University School of Medicine in Chicago discovers that "...t eens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear (adoption.about/od/searchandreunion 4/19/2008)."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adoptive parent's doubts themselves being a good parent to adoptee teens when behavior issues disrupts their relationship. (This is very confusing. Rewrite for clarity; "Adoptive parents, like biological parents, doubt their parenting abilities when faced with difficult teenage behavior.") Only because teens experience this strong urge feeling (Choose one of these adjectives, do not use both.) to learn about their genetic origin background (Use one of these adjectives, not both.) . Adoptive parents are concerned to overcome such behavioral problems (Is curiosity a behavioral problem? If so, cite your source.) after raising adoptee teens since they were babies. Adoptive parents invest more in (Add "the")Behavior Health Care Facilities (These are not proper nouns, therefore they do not need capitalization.) part of health care systems to find answers to how they can help their adopted teens. Teen' (Remove) s rebellious behavior can escalate,for (Change to "resulting in" them to take (Change to "taking") a journey in search of (Change "to find") their biological parents. All that Adoptive (This is not a proper noun, therefore does not need capitalization.) parents can do is (Remove)remaining (Change to "remain") supportive to their adopted teen' (Remove) s wishes. They can't (No contractions! "...cannot...") hold them back for (Change to "from") their journey. As long as the teens know how much their adoptive parents love them." (This is an incomplete sentence; we know the "who" but not the "what". What results from the children knowing their parents love them?
I am concerned because there are no strong connections between any of the ideas presented here. Each paragraph seems to be a mini-essay of its own; there really aren't any transitions tying all of your thoughts together. Also, I still did not see any relation to the text The Giver, except in the very first sentence. Find a way to relate your ideas to the text and tie it all up so that it is one essay, rather than several small individual ones.
I hope this helps you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
"An intercountry and foreign adoption issue unaware of hidden problems psychological affects agency failure to reveal information can be disruptive in the relationship to adoptive parents. (This is very confusing. Rewrite it to clarify; perhaps something such as, "Failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents.") "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems, (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Adoption agency seeks and provides a home for many displaced wounded children and happiness for adoptive parents gain hope (This is very confusing. Perhaps rewrite to something like, "Adoption agencies seek and provides homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope." What does this have to do with the undiagnosed psychological problems of foreign adoption candidates?) . Adoptive parents sometimes don't (No contractions! "Do not..." realize what they get (Change to "have gotten.") into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results from (Change to "in".) trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Are you referring to symptoms of the child's undiagnosed mental disorder(s) or results of the frustrated adoptive parent's actions?Agency fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who gain hope for raising a child, completes a responsible family unit(How is this relevant to the adopted child's undiagnosed mental issues?) . Sometimes adoptive families have problems with (Remove) connecting with children. Now it becomes a financial hardship for adoptive parents to connect with adoptee when they invest their time with psychologist. (This is a brand new idea that is left hanging without any substance because you have not written anything previous about this topic. Either add more to it to strengthen this statement, or remove it. As it stands it is an incomplete thought resulting in an uncomplete paragraph.
------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------
In addition a child's behavioral problem becomes (Change to "causes") a major impact on family's (Change to "family" life as it did for (change to "in") Mrs. Hilt's case in (Change to "when") adopting Nina at nine months. In the Newsweek article, "When Adoption Goes Wrong," by Wingert, Pat reports,(Check your required citation style for citing article titles in text. Also, we do not list last names before first when citing in text. This citation should look something like, "...When Adoption Goes Wrong, Pat Wingert reports that Mrs. Hilt...") Mrs. Hilt tried to connect with 2-year Nina, whom was very aggressive and reluctant to affection, (Insert "and") had been a struggle. Nina had violent tantrums and destroyed furniture when Mrs. Hilt was not watching. During Nina's presents (? I'm not sure what you mean here; tantrums? Episodes? Fits?) in Mrs. Hilts frustrations and impatient with Nina's antics has lead her in deep depression as she started drinking that she would never thought or imagine she would do in her entire life. Her depression was dormant from her marriage and outside world. One day Nina was unbearable to handle when Mrs. Hilt could not take it anymore with this uncontrollable rage she had toward Nina's behavior. From this statement, "She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went." Mrs. Hilt does the unthinkable never to hit a child before now that she is punished for innocent Nina deaths before Nina reach the hospital. Now Mrs. Hilt is serving a 19-year sentence in Virginia maximum-security prison (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, Issue 25). (Since this seems to be a direct quote, all of it should be in either quotes or block text, depending on your citation style requirements.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teens psychological effects experience strong impulses for searching biological parents because they want to learn their identity and genetic origin not necessarily problems with adoptive parents. (This is confusing; reword for clarity. Something like, "Teens experience strong impulses to find their biological parents. They want to learn their identity and genetic origin." Then you need to cite a source.) Teens want to know who they are and where they came from originally (Change to "biologically".) . So (Remove, start the sentence with "They".) need answers to puzzling questions. Sometimes teens will feel rejection all over again from their biological parents who don't wish to be responsible for their lives. Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D. from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at North western University School of Medicine in Chicago discovers that "...t eens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear (adoption.about/od/searchandreunion 4/19/2008)."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adoptive parent's doubts themselves being a good parent to adoptee teens when behavior issues disrupts their relationship. (This is very confusing. Rewrite for clarity; "Adoptive parents, like biological parents, doubt their parenting abilities when faced with difficult teenage behavior.") Only because teens experience this strong urge feeling (Choose one of these adjectives, do not use both.) to learn about their genetic origin background (Use one of these adjectives, not both.) . Adoptive parents are concerned to overcome such behavioral problems (Is curiosity a behavioral problem? If so, cite your source.) after raising adoptee teens since they were babies. Adoptive parents invest more in (Add "the")Behavior Health Care Facilities (These are not proper nouns, therefore they do not need capitalization.) part of health care systems to find answers to how they can help their adopted teens. Teen' (Remove) s rebellious behavior can escalate,for (Change to "resulting in" them to take (Change to "taking") a journey in search of (Change "to find") their biological parents. All that Adoptive (This is not a proper noun, therefore does not need capitalization.) parents can do is (Remove)remaining (Change to "remain") supportive to their adopted teen' (Remove) s wishes. They can't (No contractions! "...cannot...") hold them back for (Change to "from") their journey. As long as the teens know how much their adoptive parents love them." (This is an incomplete sentence; we know the "who" but not the "what". What results from the children knowing their parents love them?
I am concerned because there are no strong connections between any of the ideas presented here. Each paragraph seems to be a mini-essay of its own; there really aren't any transitions tying all of your thoughts together. Also, I still did not see any relation to the text The Giver, except in the very first sentence. Find a way to relate your ideas to the text and tie it all up so that it is one essay, rather than several small individual ones.
I hope this helps you.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
"For many years, intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies.I ncreases in the severity of inequalities against racial adoption (Finish this sentence; "...are on the rise." etc. Cite your research to back this statement up.) . For many years, minorities have been in the center of controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America as Miss Quiroz, Pamela (Is this person's name Miss Pamela Quiroz? If so, she should be referred to as "Pamela Quiroz". In this context the proper citation is "...Pamela Quiroz quoted Perry in..." quoted Perry in 1994 in her article, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," (Check with your required reference citation style to find the correct format to cite articles.)She argues, "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state (Bartholet 1991; Kennedy 2003; Mahoney 1991) (58)." (See my earlier quote regarding periods, ellipses, and quotation marks.) The argument here, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive f amily (Remove "family") homes once they become orphans without parents (Remove as it is redundant; finish your sentence. What about this argument?) . These innocent children lives (Change to "The lives of these innocent children...") are played with by the state, whom needs authoritive figures and guidance in their lives (The state officials or the children? I am confunsed.) , so state discriminate against these adoptee children without families (Do they not have any family at all, or just no biological family? Are they orphans in an institution? I'm confused.) because of their race, adoption is the only way for their security (Are these children, because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in? If so, this needs to be explained.) . The congress (This is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized. "Congress".) enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid against (This is another double negative. Think about it-the law avoids against racial discrimination, meaning it stays away from not discriminating? I don't think this is what you mean to say. I believe what you are meaning to say is "...to avoid racial discrimination..." or "...intercountry adoption to guard against...") racial discrimination adoptions in this quote,(Change to a colon.) "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz, Pamela 58)." (See my earlier note regarding ellipses, periods, and quotation marks.)
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Barriers that happen with closed adoption versus open adoption from all types of overseas, interstate adoption, biological parents miss for many years have concerns their children's upbringing, so they breach their contract with adoptive parents. (This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "There are barriers to closed and open adoptions. In both overseas and interstate adoptions biological parents may still become concerned over their child's upbringing, resulting in them breaching their contract with the adoptive parents.") Boundaries need to be set for biological parent' (Remove) s, restricted (Change to "restricting" and add "them") from any contact (Add "with the child or the adoptive parents) . I absolutely disagree with the biological parent who disrupts the raising of their child that's being raised (Remove due to redundancy.) in the happy home of adoptive parents. Avoiding any confusion for (Change to "is in the") best interest of adopted children, once their biological parents have made their decision from (Change to "to")separating (Change to "separate") from their child's life, (Change to a period.they (Capitalize, "They".) should not fight for their involvement, especially at early age from infancy to16 (Rewrite to something like, "...especially between the ages of infancy to 16.") . Adoption becomes disclosed without any information given to thechildren (Change to "child".)if (Remove) when it's (No contractions! This should be "...when it becomes necessary...") for a child's protection. Protection for children's safety is (Change to "has" add "a") major impact for (Change to "on") their dear life. Court orders for unfit biological parents serve a sentence or rehabilitation becomes a fact of life. (I am not sure what any of these last sentences have to do with the paragraph they are attached to. Tie this up better, make it relevant to the beginning of the paragraph, or begin another paragraph specifically for these last four sentences or so.
"For many years, intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies.I ncreases in the severity of inequalities against racial adoption (Finish this sentence; "...are on the rise." etc. Cite your research to back this statement up.) . For many years, minorities have been in the center of controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America as Miss Quiroz, Pamela (Is this person's name Miss Pamela Quiroz? If so, she should be referred to as "Pamela Quiroz". In this context the proper citation is "...Pamela Quiroz quoted Perry in..." quoted Perry in 1994 in her article, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," (Check with your required reference citation style to find the correct format to cite articles.)She argues, "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state (Bartholet 1991; Kennedy 2003; Mahoney 1991) (58)." (See my earlier quote regarding periods, ellipses, and quotation marks.) The argument here, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive f amily (Remove "family") homes once they become orphans without parents (Remove as it is redundant; finish your sentence. What about this argument?) . These innocent children lives (Change to "The lives of these innocent children...") are played with by the state, whom needs authoritive figures and guidance in their lives (The state officials or the children? I am confunsed.) , so state discriminate against these adoptee children without families (Do they not have any family at all, or just no biological family? Are they orphans in an institution? I'm confused.) because of their race, adoption is the only way for their security (Are these children, because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in? If so, this needs to be explained.) . The congress (This is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized. "Congress".) enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid against (This is another double negative. Think about it-the law avoids against racial discrimination, meaning it stays away from not discriminating? I don't think this is what you mean to say. I believe what you are meaning to say is "...to avoid racial discrimination..." or "...intercountry adoption to guard against...") racial discrimination adoptions in this quote,(Change to a colon.) "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz, Pamela 58)." (See my earlier note regarding ellipses, periods, and quotation marks.)
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Barriers that happen with closed adoption versus open adoption from all types of overseas, interstate adoption, biological parents miss for many years have concerns their children's upbringing, so they breach their contract with adoptive parents. (This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "There are barriers to closed and open adoptions. In both overseas and interstate adoptions biological parents may still become concerned over their child's upbringing, resulting in them breaching their contract with the adoptive parents.") Boundaries need to be set for biological parent' (Remove) s, restricted (Change to "restricting" and add "them") from any contact (Add "with the child or the adoptive parents) . I absolutely disagree with the biological parent who disrupts the raising of their child that's being raised (Remove due to redundancy.) in the happy home of adoptive parents. Avoiding any confusion for (Change to "is in the") best interest of adopted children, once their biological parents have made their decision from (Change to "to")separating (Change to "separate") from their child's life, (Change to a period.they (Capitalize, "They".) should not fight for their involvement, especially at early age from infancy to16 (Rewrite to something like, "...especially between the ages of infancy to 16.") . Adoption becomes disclosed without any information given to thechildren (Change to "child".)if (Remove) when it's (No contractions! This should be "...when it becomes necessary...") for a child's protection. Protection for children's safety is (Change to "has" add "a") major impact for (Change to "on") their dear life. Court orders for unfit biological parents serve a sentence or rehabilitation becomes a fact of life. (I am not sure what any of these last sentences have to do with the paragraph they are attached to. Tie this up better, make it relevant to the beginning of the paragraph, or begin another paragraph specifically for these last four sentences or so.
EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents either gave up their child because of the financial burden (or?) . Biological parent's substances addiction is no life for raising a child. Biological parents' responsibilities become overwhelming in supporting their own children. Biological parent decision to adopt their child becomes a reality for their separation children from biological parents. (This is very fragmented and is difficult to understand. If you are making a list, seperate each item in the list with a comma. For example, "...because of financial burdens, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming." If you do not present it to your reader like this, they wonder where all of this information is coming from and why it is important to your essay.)A child needs a better life then the life that their biological parents can provide for them, so adoption becomes a choice (Be careful-this statement says that all biological parents are unfit, and that adoption is the only choice for children to be successfully raised. If this is the stance you are taking, you had better have a lot of hard research cited to back it up. If not, you need to specify that children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes, and still back it up with research. . When adoption doesn't become (Change to "is not") a choice, child protective services canstep in to evaluate the family unit necessity for the best interest for the child or children safety (What does this have to do with adoption?) . Child neglecting ("neglect") , abandonment, striking a child ("or physical abuse")has (gets) the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children What does this have to do with adoption? The Giver? . Irresponsible biological parents, psychologically reject their own children and siblings (They reject their own children as well as the parents' brothers and sisters? Is this what you mean? I am confused.) when they abandon them at their own free well (Change to "will". This statement does not seem to tie into anything else you have been talking about.) . Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abused (Change to "abuse") , abandonment and neglection (Change to "other forms of neglect.") . When child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of children and siblings (What does this have to do with adoption or the assigned text?) .
"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents either gave up their child because of the financial burden (or?) . Biological parent's substances addiction is no life for raising a child. Biological parents' responsibilities become overwhelming in supporting their own children. Biological parent decision to adopt their child becomes a reality for their separation children from biological parents. (This is very fragmented and is difficult to understand. If you are making a list, seperate each item in the list with a comma. For example, "...because of financial burdens, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming." If you do not present it to your reader like this, they wonder where all of this information is coming from and why it is important to your essay.)A child needs a better life then the life that their biological parents can provide for them, so adoption becomes a choice (Be careful-this statement says that all biological parents are unfit, and that adoption is the only choice for children to be successfully raised. If this is the stance you are taking, you had better have a lot of hard research cited to back it up. If not, you need to specify that children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes, and still back it up with research. . When adoption doesn't become (Change to "is not") a choice, child protective services canstep in to evaluate the family unit necessity for the best interest for the child or children safety (What does this have to do with adoption?) . Child neglecting ("neglect") , abandonment, striking a child ("or physical abuse")has (gets) the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children What does this have to do with adoption? The Giver? . Irresponsible biological parents, psychologically reject their own children and siblings (They reject their own children as well as the parents' brothers and sisters? Is this what you mean? I am confused.) when they abandon them at their own free well (Change to "will". This statement does not seem to tie into anything else you have been talking about.) . Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abused (Change to "abuse") , abandonment and neglection (Change to "other forms of neglect.") . When child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of children and siblings (What does this have to do with adoption or the assigned text?) .