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Posts by Gautama
Joined: Nov 26, 2008
Last Post: Jul 24, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 121  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 127 / page 4 of 4
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Gautama   
Feb 11, 2009
Graduate / reasons for pursuing an exchange experience [5]

Hello. These are all great reasons to pursue an exchange program but perhaps you should be more specific about how it will be benificial to what you want to do with your life. Are you pursuing a career in business? If so you could elaborate on how being in a foreign land would give you a different perspective on how different cultures affect trade and consumer mentality. Good luck!
Gautama   
Feb 11, 2009
Essays / Autobiographical Response of Yourself as a Writer [2]

Can you tell us what the exact assignment was? Is this an outline for an autobiographical work? I would suggest studying basic sentence structure and parts of speech to better understand how parts of a sentence can fit together correctly. An example would be:

"And my earliest memory of writing outside is writing a mysterious story with my best friend. We portent we are famous write. A first time we write a lot, but after one week, we feel bored and we give it up."

----I change this to----

"My earliest memory of writing is when I wrote a mystery story with my best friend. We pretended that we were famous writers. At first we wrote alot but after a week had passed we became bored and gave it up."

This is essay presents a very interesting look into your life and what you have had to go through to get where you are. Take the time to organize the points you have made into paragraphs and get help from your teacher on any grammer questions you have and it should be a good paper. Good luck!
Gautama   
Feb 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay: A Crab in the Sand [5]

This is a very interesting essay. It is simple and yet it unfolds in a very curious way that drew me in. I think that perhaps others might think it is a bit anticlimactic as they might have expected something a bit more dramatic or "unexpected" to happen (like the tide comming in and going over your head while you were buried to the neck) but I like the simplicity of it.(it just depends what you think the reader will be expecting) There were a few minor grammatical errors such as the last sentence.

"I realized, that no matter what situation your in, you always can get through it if you endure.
----I would change to----
"I realized that no matter what situation you are in you always can get through it if you endure."

Also, you may want to try to connect it with a more specific theme of who you are as a person at the end rather than just the general theme of perseverance. (might be a little less clichéd?) Otherwise I very much enjoyed reading your essay, great job!
Gautama   
Feb 11, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I remember my past' - A personal statement- Accomplishment [4]

Sanjaygir, this sounds like a great story and the overall organization and progression seems to unfold and flow quite nicely. There are some individual grammatical errors and some sentences that may be error free but still sound a bit awkward when read outloud. For instance:

"The boarding school, I was admitted to, had students majority of whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reasons. This fact made these students worry less about anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing troubles and ignoring disciplines seemed like a daily routine of these students."

I would change to:

"The boarding school I was admitted to had a majority of students whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reason. This made these students uncaring for anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing trouble and ignoring discipline seemed to be a daily routine for these students."

In some ways this revision still sounds a bit awkward to me but it is still a bit better.
Also, watch you plurals. Pay close attention to when they are needed and when they are not. For instance:
"Situations began to improve after I entered this section."
----I would change to----
"The situation began to improve after I entered this section."
or
"My situation began to improve after I entered this section."
----Also----
"Computer was always a passion for me but I hadn't got any opportunities in my past days to hone my skills in using it."

----I would change to----
"Computers had always been a passion for me but I had not had any previous opportunities to hone my skills using them."

I'm sure there are many other things that the moderators can help you with but this should get you started. I believe your ideas are good and if you just clean up the way they are presented you will have a great piece of writing here. Good luck!
Gautama   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

In high school I was heavily involved in performing arts. I did it because I loved it and was willing to make sacrifices in order to stay involved. In fact I am a very introverted person who suffered greatly from stage fright. I figured that it would fade away after a couple weeks or maybe even months but it never did. Every time I got on stage even just during rehearsals in front of my friends I was always scared. Some kids were just naturals, had total confidence in themselves, and could perform with little or no fear. I wasn't made that way. Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

During senior year I was cast in the role of the Chief in a stage production of Get Smart adapted by Mel Brooks. It was around the last 5 weeks of rehearsal when I faced the scariest time in my life thus far. I suffered a spontaneous pnemothorax which effectively means that my lung collapsed. I went to the emergency room and had a small procedure done to repair the area that burst and recovered at home. I went back to school and rehearsals and my surgeon said that there was almost no chance of it recurring. About a week later, it did. This time I was fully hospitalized and had surgery to remove a small part of my lung. With only 2 weeks left in rehearsal I practiced my lines in my hospital bed. When I recovered I had only a few days before the performance. My director said that he could find a replacement for me but I knew that the performance would be sloppy as he wouldn't know the blocking or be able to second guess the other actors. So while working to recover my grades from the classes I missed I performed in that production 4 days after recovering. I knew that if I could get through that, no matter what I did in the future, no fear could stop me from doing what I love.
Gautama   
Nov 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Good morning and thank you for your critique! I just have one question. Can you be perhaps a little more specific about what is missing about what I gained from my trip? I have stated that it gave me a hunger for culture and a need to understand the history that I knew existed in that place. I said that my training in philosophy was what guided that passion for culture towards international relations. Isn't that enough? I can't see what else I could add. Thank you for your time.
Gautama   
Nov 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Im currently at Pasadena City College hoping to transer to UC Davis, Riverside, or San Diego for International Relations. Tell me what you think and please be brutal. (especially about content and subject matter. I can always fix grammatical errors later.) Thanks guys.

PROMPT #1 - What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed. Describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities. What have you gained from your involvement?

As I shuffled through a group of students down an old and uneven cobble stone street I could hear the passer-bys speaking softly, much softer than my American companions, in languages that I did not understand. I was in the streets of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic on tour with my high school choir group. These sounds and images sparked a profound feeling of the great history that this place must have seen. A history that was never taught to us in school but that still had the power to captivate. I gazed up at the tall buildings that leaned and loomed over us to the balcony of an old restaurant where a man sat surveying the view. I wondered what he was taught in school and what his own life had taught him about this part of the world. I knew that one day when this was all over I would have to return to this place. What I did not know was that when I did it would not be as a tourist, but as someone who could understand the whispers that I heard on the streets and what those people saw in the cities that they lived in. I would have dedicated my life to understanding this and many other cultures and what role they play in the modern world. I would have majored in International Relations.

Europe gave me a hunger and passion for knowledge of different worlds but it was my life's study of philosophy that gave me the direction in which to steer that passion. Since I was a little boy I was exposed to tribal drum sessions, Hindu art and culture, and Asian philosophy from my parents and the western schools of thought from classes in high school and college. I have taken German courses and loved the language and culture. One particular course I took in philosophy changed my life. One day our professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing the different tiers of society to those of a farmland. He explained that the sheep and the shepherd were the workforce and the authority that directed them respectively. The wolves were those who would come from beyond the farm's territory to destroy and exploit the sheep. The sheepdogs were those who used their knowledge of the wolves to defend the sheep and protect the fruits of the farm. It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. I wanted to learn the ways of the different cultures of the world and how they interact with one another to work towards conflict resolution without war. The conflicts of today's nations are fundamentally conflicts of different philosophies and my training with these philosophies would allow me to see both sides to any conflict and to apply that talent to resolve our conflicts with the wolves. This is the way of the modern warrior. Given that there are many different kinds of warriors in today's world (some wear uniforms and carry weapons and some go unnoticed while fighting with information and influence) they all share the mindset of the sheepdog. Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace wrote, "Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference."

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