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'I remember my past' - A personal statement- Accomplishment


sanjaygir 3 / 3  
Feb 10, 2009   #1
I am very much thankful towards essayforum for doing this great help towards its users. Thank you for the MODs and users for helping me with my BYU essays which I presented some days ago.

This is my next essay. I think, like my previous essay, here Ill get a number of errors. Please help me with this essay by giving me your valuable feedbacks and suggestions.

Accomplishment

I confess that I never tasted triumph in my junior school years. I was literally a weak student, a student who lacked academic success, talents, support from teachers and friends, athletic abilities, everything that would make a student proud of him. As a 5th grade student, I was admitted to a boarding school by my father fed up with my poor performance in school. The boarding school, I was admitted to, had students majority of whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reasons. This fact made these students worry less about anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing troubles and ignoring disciplines seemed like a daily routine of these students. Many times, I was bullied by my elders, humiliated by my friends, falsely convicted for the troubles that I didn't create and given punishments that I didn't deserve. I didn't know why people couldn't tolerate me. Maybe, it was because I was the smallest, weakest and probably the ugliest lonely kid in that place. I was there for improvement but "improvement" seemed a wrong word in such a place.

Witnessing no improvements in me, my father desperately changed my school. The school I would spend my next three years in was Little Angels School or shortly L.A. When I entered LA at grade 8, I was enrolled into the F1 section, a section designated to academically weak students. I wanted to improve my academics. But, it was almost impossible for such a weak student like me to have a good start. The first exam that I took at LA was nothing more than a mere failure. I failed... In a compulsion to raise my scores in order to get into a better class, I even cheated in my term exams. Grade 8 passed and came the beginning of grade 9.

I got into section D1: not a right class for someone seeking improvement. Situation wasn't any better in this section. The same thing repeated. I lacked friends. Teachers humiliated me in front of the whole class due to my silent character. I lacked attention span. My performance degraded slowly. It was all up to me to improve my status. Luckily, by giving my best, I could raise my scores to 60% in the final term and was fortunate enough to get into class 10 B2, a relatively good class.

Situations began to improve after I entered this section. Engrossed by an obsession to improve my status, I tried working hard forgetting my past unsuccessful years. One thing that compelled me to change was the amazing teacher's attention that I received in this class. I have a clear picture of how my teachers helped me to improve. Taru madam ( English teacher) would provide individual attention to each and every student of the class and quickly notice if anyone in the class was having any trouble. She would talk to me each time I was lost in my own thoughts. In each acts and plays played in the class, she encouraged me to participate. During class recess hours, she would call me to her office and talk to me about my interests and hobbies. Sometimes, she would even call me in front of the class to make me sing her favorite songs (as I had already told her about my inclination towards music and singing) and I would sing. Computer was always a passion for me but I hadn't got any opportunities in my past days to hone my skills in using it. Tirtha sir (Computer teacher) used to encourage me. Through his constant help, I became adept at computer programming (especially at QBasic and VBasic). Puskar sir's(Maths teacher) positive and poignant speeches always made us keep moving. Once he dictated "Last year, this section, produced 4 distinction holders". I dreamt of taking the next year's honor of distinction holders. Picking my name and asking me questions, in class, gave me a feeling that I had regained my identity. Living and working in such a supportive environment, I improved my weaknesses gradually. The kid who wouldn't dare, before, even to greet a teacher was now making long conversations and playing jokes with each and every teacher. Working hard for the upcoming days and from the continuous support that I received from my teachers, I faced the term exam of grade 10 (S.L.C) with assurance. In July 6th 2006, I got what I was seeking for, through out these past days. I received the honor of distinction holders.

Keeping a goal and working accordingly was the solution to each and every problem. Not only that, teacher's support is also a crucial factor for the improvement of a student's status. It's a known fact that everyone likes to become a center of attention. If a student thinks that there is someone who cares about him then he develops a sense of confidence that drives him to achieve his goals.

Today, when I ponder over my childhood days and compare them to my present status, I see a huge positive difference. Sometimes, I cannot figure out "How all these accomplishments became possible?" But, then, I remember my past, those great teachers and their great contributions towards a helpless student like me, and my mind becomes clear of all doubts.

Sanjay Giri, pepsicol, 4991496,ktm

ceberus /  
Feb 11, 2009   #2
From what I see, this a pretty well constructed essay
Gautama 6 / 133  
Feb 11, 2009   #3
Sanjaygir, this sounds like a great story and the overall organization and progression seems to unfold and flow quite nicely. There are some individual grammatical errors and some sentences that may be error free but still sound a bit awkward when read outloud. For instance:

"The boarding school, I was admitted to, had students majority of whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reasons. This fact made these students worry less about anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing troubles and ignoring disciplines seemed like a daily routine of these students."

I would change to:

"The boarding school I was admitted to had a majority of students whose parents were either not in the valley or abroad for some reason. This made these students uncaring for anything. Humiliating each other, playing pranks, causing trouble and ignoring discipline seemed to be a daily routine for these students."

In some ways this revision still sounds a bit awkward to me but it is still a bit better.
Also, watch you plurals. Pay close attention to when they are needed and when they are not. For instance:
"Situations began to improve after I entered this section."
----I would change to----
"The situation began to improve after I entered this section."
or
"My situation began to improve after I entered this section."
----Also----
"Computer was always a passion for me but I hadn't got any opportunities in my past days to hone my skills in using it."

----I would change to----
"Computers had always been a passion for me but I had not had any previous opportunities to hone my skills using them."

I'm sure there are many other things that the moderators can help you with but this should get you started. I believe your ideas are good and if you just clean up the way they are presented you will have a great piece of writing here. Good luck!
melat 1 / 3  
Feb 18, 2009   #4
Wonderful work,I like the content,and the flow..although you need to work on your grammar.


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