Undergraduate / Common App - "Cliff Solving"; being an assistant teacher to a third grade class [6]

I really liked this essay better than the other. Other than a few comma issues, it was great. I not only read the story, but I felt it, too.

As far as the shorter essay, write out numbers below ten and watch out for the commas and where they should go. In order to shorten the essay, I would stick to shorter, to the point sentences. You only have 150 words; make every single word count. No fluff or unnecessary information.

Undergraduate / Vassar "What aspects do you find appealing" [6]

For my part, I have been interested in international studies since the beginning of my high school. I found that Vassar offers international studies and adds some specialties to this multidisciplinary program.

Life after Vassar is another topic that I am concerned; however , after watching that YouTube video "Meet the class of 2008" in which many graduates answered the question "What are you doing after graduation?", I see that there is indeed a life after Vassar, and that life is usually diversified and fulfilling.

You are a great writer. Every sentence was simply amazing. You are destined to go to this school if you write so passionately about it. I love that you showed the school that you know so much about them.

Undergraduate / A paragraph from my Northwestern essay too wordy? HELP [5]

It was difficult to tear myself away from these fantastic stories of reality, but, as I continued to click and explore, I was drawn to other information. My virtual tour through McCormick has shown me that the Biomedical Engineering there is indeed one of the best programs in the field. Through my tour, I discovered McCormick's unique Engineering First Program, its affiliation programs, and its breadth of research opportunities. These traits assure me that, if I become a McCormick student, I will not lack resources.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay #2: Being a chief designer...... [2]

I always wanted to become a designer because I thought designers have such freedom on their canvas without any boundaries. Any successful designer always brings the world an innovative and creative world filled with inspirational ideas. I had never doubted my perspective regarding designers' job until I had a practice try myself over the winter break last year.

I would consider your word choices before committing to the words. Really enjoyed your essay. Good luck.

Undergraduate / 'Exam failure' - long essay of Michigan: setback [7]

The first exam of junior year was extremely important, which decided the people who were qualified to attend the advanced class.

Shaking the tube of correction fluid, suddenly, I found that the correction fluid had been depleted . Desperate, I crossed the wrong answers by pen and, therefore, the whole test paper was spoiled.

I complained to my father as if the empty tube deprived me of the access to the class; however, to my surprise, my father did not comfort me.

I was unsure of the topic of White Out when I first began reading; however, I was pleasantly surprised by the essay. I thought you did a great job of writing and thinking about the essay. I did notice a few problems with commas and word chose. I hope my comments help! GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / Music is my way of life, my soul and my community. Rice... why this college? [8]

My father is an accomplished singer, cellist, piano accompanist, and choir director; while, my mother is violinist, and my brother picks up where my father left off in cello. Me, well, it is just me and my piano.

; however, honestly, piano and music are more than the lessons and family traditions.

Of course, she said that with good humor, but never had I realized the truth that hung in-between her words.

Whether sunshine filters through the curtain blinds or a grayish hue shrouds the sky, tunes are plucked, and chords are struck at my house.
my soul and my community.

Your essay was well-thought out and well-written. I did notice a few issues with commas and wording, but well-written nonetheless. Watch out for the commas, and you will do great!

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement-I want to change the world! [12]

Soon enough, the world becomes their canvas, and Pitzer begins to represent the small scale model of the bigger portrait (the world). Exciting as this may seem, I do not want to get ahead of myself; therefore, let me begin the rough draft of my Pitzer portrait.

Obama's vision of purple is unity. My vision of purple is Han. Red signifies my fiery passions, and blue represents my ambitions to make the world a better place.

The dark clouds of autism have definitely casted their shadows upon many, and I feel it is my duty to let the sun shine proudly through these menacing clouds.

GREAT ESSAY! I loved the color incorporation. You did a great job! I did see a few issues where commas should exist. Other than a few issues, it was great. Good luck! I hope you get into Pitzer.

Undergraduate / significant experience - practicing playing the piano [3]

I would add a bit more to the first paragraph. Use it as an introductory paragraph. I noticed that you consistently did a few things:first, you did not write out numbers below ten; second, you often misplaced commas after periods; and lastly, you did not put a comma between two independent sentences. Other than those things, the essay was well-thought out. I did have an issue understanding one sentence (I noted it above). Good luck!

Undergraduate / Penn long essay - What makes you a good match for Penn? [3]

"I couldn't agree with her more . I have attended two schools in my life: the first school had a century worth of history and tradition while the second school had no history or tradition.

Perhaps, this is why heritage becomes an important factor in my consideration of universities. Penn, in its early years, has displayed its vision for a relevant and strong education revolving around business and public service.

I started doing volunteer work when I was 13 years old, and I do intend to continue while I am in college . I believe that humanitarianism has no boundaries, and I will help people wherever I go.

Great job! Other than a few stylistic and wording issues, your essay was great. I like that you touched on a few ideas related to why you chose UPenn and how the campus can work for you (volunteer work and the campus layout). I definitely would not delete anything! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common app Activities short essay - the International Congress on AIDS [8]

I must say that this is one of my favorite essays I have read thus far. It is a unique topic that definitely catchs the reader. I wanted to read the whole thing. While the essay does seem a bit long, you did put in a great deal of effort and thought in it. I would check the requirements for the essay to this college. I liked the first sentence that you used. It definitely catches the eye and the attention of the reader. I would consider saying more in this paragraph; "I also was given access to any committee room. So I was able to come across many interesting and insightful seminars regarding the likes of Prostitution in India, the promotion of condoms among prostitutes etc." I think it could use a bit more information (i.e.: how you felt hearing this issues, etc). Great job! Good luck!

Undergraduate / MY ESSAY FOR SYRACUSE : IT'S REALLY NEED ENHACEMENT [4]

The essay is a well-thought out, well-written essay, but you did have a few errors. Most of the errors were with subject-verb agreements and past-present tenses. I think you should include how you are currently helping in the financial field. Are you working in that field already? What are you doing right now? Sell yourself! Make them WANT and NEED you to come to Syracuse. Make yourself irresistible to them.

Undergraduate / **A Blocky Youth** University of Chicago Free Choice Essay: Should I or Shouldn't I? [7]

I would agree with Sean. The essay is not really childish, but does explode into many ideas that go of the road that your essay should be traveling. I would choose one or two things to focus on and write well about them. Be sure to include why these things influenced you the most. The essay begins well-written; however, it does not follow the essay's question. It reads more like a story rather than an essay. Try the five paragraph method, but it can be any number of paragraphs you want. Use the first paragraph to introduce the topic (and yourself a bit), use the last paragraph to remind the reader of what you told them, and in the middle tell them what you need to tell them (what you want them to know). Make them have to pick up the phone, call you, and tell you, "Your essay was so great we want to give you an early acceptance to the University of Chicago over the phone NOW!"

Undergraduate / I was really fascinated in the law of supply and demand; Academic interests [2]

What intership was this? What kind of factory was this? What was the purpose of your internship? In the last paragraph, you asked "What made this happen?" You did not answer that question. I would also add a paragraph about how this internship opportunity is tied to your interest in economics; I did not quite understand that part.

You want your words to reflect who you are. You want your words to captivate the reader. You want your reader to desire your next words. You have to sell yourself! List any special awards, achievements, etc that you have received and groups you have held leadership roles. Do you have recommendation letters to go with this essay? I would introduce yourself in the first paragraph, say why you want to attend University of Michigan, and say why they need you (YES!!! Why THEY NEED YOU!). My first college admission essay about about 1,000 words. I would double check the requirements for the essay.

Undergraduate / Grinnell Supplement essay - what makes me an individual [9]

I would not start with the first line that you did. You want your words to reflect who you are. You want your words to captivate the reader. You want your reader to desire your next words. You have to sell yourself! I love that you have outlined things that you have done for the world. List any special awards, achievements, etc that you have received and groups you have held leadership roles. Do you have recommendation letters to go with this essay? I would introduce yourself in the first paragraph, say why you want to attend Grinnell, and say why they need you (YES!!! Why THEY NEED YOU!). My first college admission essay about about 1,000 words. I would double check the requirements for the essay.

Undergraduate / After-school activity - Role playing [4]

I would change the first sentence because it sounds like role-playing is your only after school activity. I would say something like: "Role playing is one hobby and interest that I enjoyed and pursued as an after school activity...". I would also consider including introductory and conclusion paragraphs. I would also add a small paragraph that details the outlines how the "Aragon inside you" transformed you as a whole (any situations that you were in, decisions you made, etc. that were not characteristic of the "pre-Aragon you"). Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Magic Lu Chen - essay help [5]

Good essay! I would add an introductory paragraph about your topic, why you are writing about Lu Chen, and your main topic. That will allow the reader to get a taste of what you are about to tell them. Also, you missed a great deal of commas (especially before the word "but"). You could also make a more complex sentence by adding a ; to connect two sentences. I was a bit confused when you said that you were "kind of an autistic person". I think you meant to say artistic. Good luck!