Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]

Your problems don't seem to lie with grammar, judging from the way your post reads. Why do you say you are a poor writer? If this is something you have concluded from low essay marks in the past, then your problems may lie more in your ability to organize a logical argument than in your ability to use English correctly. Your essay writing might also suffer from issues of style that are not really problems of grammar.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]


Exactly, which is why I said it modifies the wrong thing. However, according to the sentence, the economic forecast did look at the numbers. That is, the modifier modifies what it always does, the noun that follows it immediately after the comma. This is what I was taught was a misplaced modifier. I guess referring to it as a dangling modifier makes more sense though, as the thing that needs to be modified is actually missing, and so there is no way to actually fix the sentence merely by moving the modifier about.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]


But what point in having a guidebook to writing better prose if you are already capable of avoiding ugly prose on your own? If in fact his rules are not compatible with beautiful prose, then they are in need of refining. It occurs to me that he could even have said "Cut wherever possible" and saved even more verbiage. What should be cut could be inferred from the context of the book.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

It sounds about right, though I haven't read the story, so I can't critique the content. The structure matches that of the examples you gave, though.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Really? I find that online debates are by and large superior to real life dialogues. One of the main advantages to online debates is that you have time to think carefully about what the other person has written, rather than having to give an on the spot response, as you would in a verbal discussion. The point-by-point parsing also makes it easier to identify differences in premises that might be obscured in a less careful discussion. Not to mention that you can actually go point-by-point, instead of wandering off on a discussion of one point to the exclusion of all others. There is also less room for evasion in such a discussion, as no one can deny their previous comments (though they may of course change the position they were taking, if they wish) and the chain of logic can be thoroughly vetted. What advantages, then, do you find that real world dialogues hold over online debates?

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


That's okay. A lot of people find it difficult to see their most cherished beliefs challenged. It can be almost physically painful to see the world as others do, to risk the possibility of uncertainty. It's especially hard for people who are deeply emotionally invested in their beliefs. I have an advantage here, in that my beliefs have always been unconventional. I don't just mean from the point of view of mainstream society, but from the point of view of the particular subcultures I found myself in. You sort of have to be open-minded, when that happens. When your essential self is formed in a community of like-minded people, though, I imagine it's easier to stay disengaged from those who see the world through different eyes. And if you are also a person whose logic is primarily emotional, instead of rational, then the problem must be compounded beyond all measure. Still, I really am curious what your answers to my questions would be, and I will try to be as gentle as possible in my responses to them.

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]


Of course, if CarlosGarcia19 is the sort of person who is specifically interested in related research questions, then he's golden. Otherwise, I acknowledge that your advice is absolutely correct.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

Hey, would your example be a dangling modifier, or a misplaced one? It does in fact apply to something -- the economic forecast. It's just the wrong thing. Or is that just another term for the same thing? It's been awhile since I studied formal grammar.

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]


Nonsense. I didn't say it was an utterly humorless piece that made the reader wonder why he wasted his time perusing it. I just said it wasn't that funny. Slightly amusing, in fact. Which I think is pretty much the same as "amusing in a light-hearted way." So please, knock off the gratuitous insults :-)

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

There are minor things you can improve, as there always are in any essay, but overall you've got a strong statement. You'll likely get more feedback from other students and moderators over the next few days. Remember, patience is a virtue.

Letters / Graduate Mechanical Engineer; Recommendation Letter for John Doe [10]

Instead of the 1, 2 list, perhaps you could integrate your examples into the preceding paragraph, and elaborate a bit on what a great job you did in each case (being as specific as possible).

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

The essay isn't badly written. However, your reason for your poor performance (WoW) and your solution to it (Your parents kept you from playing) are not likely to win you much sympathy from the admissions officers. You can't do much about the cause, but perhaps you can revise the solution paragraph to emphasize things you did to overcome the problem.

"When the problem started it my roommates attempted to help but I ignored their advice because I thought I could solve it on my own."

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

You can't just use "Placed in a severe and brutal environment, male camaraderie often leads to violent behavior." as your thesis because your essay is supposed to be on a particularly story. The statement at the moment says nothing about the story. So, you have to add to your thesis something that would make it relevant to the story in some way.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

Hmmmmmm . . . interesting.

That I believe was the sum of your own contributions to other members, both posts of which I have now deleted, btw. I also deleted the duplicate copy of this essay that you had posted. You had to wait less than two hours for feedback on this thread. Be patient, and more people will comment on it. If you try to abuse the system, though, people will be less likely to want to help you.

Actually, your essay is already very strong. Here are a few minor fixes for you:

"The hands-on interaction with patients has imparted greater meaning to my life and education as well as solidified my resolve to become a physician." This sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps "This hands-on interaction with patients has imparted greater meaning to my life and education while solidifying my resolve to become a physician." would be better.

"At UC Berkeley, I have explored different opportunities and taken on many challenges to best prepare myself for medical school, including pursuing a double major in Molecular Immunology and Integrative Biology."

"To accomplish my lifelong aspiration of becoming a physician, medical school is the next important stone for me to assiduously and eagerly turn." This is sort of a misplaced modifier. Medical school isn't going to accomplish your lifelong aspiration, you are. Revise.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

Hmmm . . . I'm guessing then, that your thesis structure should look like this:

"A statement about the characters' violent behavior"

"Placed in a severe and brutal environment, male camaraderie often leads to violent behavior."

"Thesis that combines the two ideas above."

So, you have been given the second of the two ideas that you need to combine to create your thesis. However, you need to come up with the first idea, one that deals with the story you are supposed to be discussing, and then merge the two ideas to come up with a full thesis. In other words, what you need to add to get your thesis is something that ties the theme back to the story, that explains how the theme is developed. That's how I would interpret the instructions, based on the example you posted.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

You can Google the terms to find examples of all of these things easily enough.

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]

This isn't all that funny. Your best line is this:


Your main problem, though, is that you are writing an essay that sort of satirizes the narrator's children, rather than the motivations of people who go into teaching. It is sort of amusing that someone would go in to teaching to deal with kids smarter than his own, but you could definitely make this funnier with a bit of effort.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

Well, yes. You are supposed to model your thesis for the story on the ones in the book. It will be much easier for us to guide you in your efforts if we know what base model you are using.

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]

Well, decide whether you want to be a doctor or a pharmacist from the point of view of this essay, bearing in mind that your decision will be entirely non-binding. For instance, you could talk about how a pharmacist, or perhaps a medical researcher creating the drugs pharmacists sell, might be able to design better medications knowing that bacteria have expectations that can be manipulated. You might then talk about how you wish to be such a researcher, which would bring you back to the prompt quite nicely.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

Well, the instructions say you should model your thesis statement on an example in your book. So, look at the example. Replace the last part of that example with the theme statement given you by your teacher. Then, look at the remaining parts of the thesis statement and try to figure out how you would have to alter them to make them fit with the new last part. This would be easier if you posted the example thesis statement here, btw . . .

Essays / Describing a bombing. [5]

Metaphors might help. "From outside, a massive booming, as if an ancient giant were stomping the Earth in rage, sent shockwaves roaring over us." You can probably come up with something a bit better -- that's sort of off the top of my head, but you get the idea.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

That's okay. I can carry on multiple conversations here at the same time (sort of have to, in fact) and what you are saying is interesting.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

In fact, get rid of every single form of "to be" you can, regardless of where it appears in the sentence. Then target other weak verbs, such as "to have," "to do," "to make," "to use," etc.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

I'm based in Canada, so your guess about nationalities wasn't too far off. The main issue you have with your latest draft of your essay is that you jump around a bit too much. You discover your passion for dancing, study maths and physics, then decide you want to do something in leadership. There is no real unifying thread that connects these disparate interests. Perhaps you could rework your essay so that some connection emerged. I can see tying math and physics to leadership fairly easily. Not sure what you will be able to do with the dancing, though.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

Or, as he he should have said "Cut every word you can," which would have been more in keeping with his own rule. That said, the advice is excellent, and you should follow it.

Essays / "Growing up and self-improvement" essay - how can i write a topic? [7]

If you have actually tried writing the essay, you might want to post a draft here for more feedback. Just a thought.

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]

I read that story -- it is very interesting. What does it have to do with your future, though? Do you want to do research on bacteria? To what end? Do you see a way to build on the research to create medical breakthroughs? At the moment, your essay does not address the prompt. Either refine it to do so, or choose a different story.

Writing Feedback / Social Work Theory, Skills and Methods Assignment [6]

You might also look at the distinction between "want" and "need", and at how the concept of social work "clients" as "consumers" moves the responsibility for making the distinction from trained professionals to the people they are supposed to be helping. Then again, that might put you off-topic. The assignment instructions seem to indicate you should look at the success of the approach, rather than criticizing it.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]


And remember, the answer to that question is actually "yes." If he cannot see the truth, he may be described as stupid, slow, dull, etc. But if he is in denial, then he can see the truth, on some level is aware of it, but is refusing to accept it. So, don't confuse the two concepts in your essay.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Not only that, but you made a very good point, I thought. We get a very wide range of students posting essays here, from ESL students in middle school to native speakers writing at a university level. This means that the quality of writing we see spans many different levels. The advice we give is usually, at least in my case, advice meant to get the writing up to the target level. In other words, if I am commenting on a university application essay, I give advice meant to help the author get the writing up to the level necessary to function as a successful university application essay. However, there will inevitably be some cases where the difference between the student's current level of writing skill and the target level of writing skill is too great for the student to be able to overcome the gap in a single bound. In such cases, students will have to interpret the advice they get as best they can, but may not be able to fully take advantage of it until they have written dozens of other essays, and so by gradual steps improved to the point where they can reach their goals for a given essay in a handful of revisions.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


So, what are the first two stages?

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]

Whoops. That's embarrassing. Of course I meant to go with "introverted follower" and "extroverted leader." Thanks for catching that, Notoman.

Writing Feedback / "tip the waiter" essay - what have you learnt from a mistake? [9]

Yes, you don't replace the original essay with the edited one -- you simply post the revised version as your response to our advice. Once you've done that, one of us will normally replace your original essay with "SEE BELOW" to save on space.

Letters / Graduate Mechanical Engineer; Recommendation Letter for John Doe [10]

I assume your boss asked you to write the letter for him. That's a standard time-saving technique people who have to write recommendation letters like to use. It is also unfortunate, because you have to walk a line between praising yourself as much as possible while still keeping the letter realistic enough that your boss will agree to sign it. Still, you are going to have to add some narrative anecdotes that show the qualities you are merely telling at the moment. Try to choose incidents that map on to what you expect the company you are applying to to want to hear.

Undergraduate / Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet) [11]


That about sums my own view of the matter, too. I suspect that the vast majority of application officers would have the same attitude.

Undergraduate / When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger - challenge [8]

It depends upon the criteria used to select scholarship recipients. If they are looking for someone who has accomplished a lot academically, and who has a solid mastery of the English language, then you are in good shape. But not all scholarships are given to reward academic merit -- some are destined for students with great financial need, or students who demonstrate particular commitment to community service, or to some specific political cause. There is nothing in your essay that would particularly qualify you for these sorts of scholarships. I am guessing though, that this is an application for scholarships in general, rather than for a specific scholarship. If this is the case, then at least some of the scholarships you are competing for should be based on criteria you clearly meet, giving you a decent chance, at least.

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]

Seek, and ye shall find. Go forth into the vast digital wilderness that is the Internet, therefore, and seek ye news stories wherever they do grow, whether in the deserts of newspaper triteness, or upon the vast, jumbled plains of television news station websites, or even among the crags of the mountains of medical journals. And, should none of these suit with ye, pray to the Great Overmind, Google, asking it to send ye stories related to the search string "medical news stories."

You may also find something interesting searching around this site: scitechdaily.com

Good luck.

Writing Feedback / The relationship between an organization and environment - essay [9]

It doesn't help that you're using fairly broad, vague terms. "Organization" covers a lot, here -- government department, business, NGO, etc. As for the term "environment," that includes pretty much everything around us, from the furniture in the room I am sitting in to the vast forests in the rural areas outside of the city. I'd suggest using specific examples to demonstrate your points, though as Simone says, depending upon who your intended audience is, this may not be strictly necessary.

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]

Some of that cutting for you:

"It all so seemed superficial to me -- I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be. Stuck up snobs who somehow thought they were better than everyone else just because they did a few cartwheeling and ran around yelling in synchronization."

As for the last pair of words at the end, it seems like you started out as an extroverted follower and became an introverted leader. You might not want to use those exact terms, but those are the concepts you will be working with.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

Also, if you are looking for debatable issues, you can ask how different parents' values can be from society's before society is justified in removing their children from their care. For instance, what about parents who do not believe, for religious reasons, in using modern medicine? Or parents who hold extreme political views? Both of these have had cases in the news recently:

slaughteringthesheep.wordpress.com/2009/05/17/eleven- year-old-dies-needlessly-when-parents-refuse-medical-care-an d-pray-instead/

infoniac.com/offbeat-news/parents-lose-custody-of -their-children-for-teaching-them-nazi.html