"Should we tip the waiter?". "Okay.", he said.
Outside the restaurant, we (me and my 4 friends) were (...) by a child beggar. While none of them wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wont harm me, and bought him biscuits. Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the kid, who was no taller than my feet, dressed in rags, the most natural wear of footwear.
We talked about his ill mother, dead father, his schooling, where he lived; I loved the innocense with which he replied. There and then I decided I could help him, teach him, and I started imagining the methods I'll use to teach him, the practise of the english alphabet, teaching him tables, values of life, manners, in fact everything I know. It thrilled me. I never told him about it, but I knew I wanted to do it.
I didn't.
The guilt that followed a week later when I saw him begging on the street again was (...). I consider this a mistake in my life because I had right in front of me an opportunity to affect someone's life and I let it go.
But it was significant enough to change the course of my life. A week later, I saw two kids studying in the street light, and I lost no time to approach them. I have been teaching them for around a year now.I have made a conscious effort to contribute to the society and motivate others to do so. That lead the beginning of my volunteer group at college. The mistake made me realise that social work(or helping others-underprivileged) is something I want to do, not for today, not for tomorrow, but for the rest of my life.
The word limit is only 400, hence the stringent effort...
now does the essay click?
bcos most ppl applying to b-skuls will have essays from life where there were tangible decisions to be made and they failed in this decision making, they learnt from they're mistakes and avoided it later.
Now, my essay is a bit not like it, so again does it click??
pls post your feedback regarding the story,, does it ''show'' or does it ''tell''...
And a word about the start,,,is it catchy...??
I had another one like.."Do you want to learn english." "Yes.", he said.
and btw the dotted portion is where i couldn't get words to add..!!
Any feedback is very valued, thank you. :)
Don't double up punctuation:
"Should we tip the waiter?" "Okay," he said.
Here are some more suggestions:
Outside the restaurant , my friends and I were beset by a child beggar. While none of my friends wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wouldn't harm me, and bought him biscuits. Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the child , who was no taller than my knees and was dressed in rags, sporting the most natural wear of footwear -- bare feet .
You can cut down on the word count somewhat by cutting irrelevant details:
"We talked about his ill mother, dead father, his schooling, where he lived; I loved the innocense with which he replied. There and then I decided I could help him"
"As we conversed, I decided I would teach him so that he could improve his social condition"
You might want to use the extra room such cutting gives you to talk more specifically about how you helped the kids that you did teach, so that that image comes to dominate the essay.
Yes, it is important to talk about how your failure with the first child saddened you but the essay should, as Sean stated, be dominated by your positive growth experience.
Now tell me... what exactly do these things mean? (...) You gotta fix those. Just type in the word you want to write. Unless you are trying to say that you couldn't think of the right words?
Tell us what this is for. Are you applying for a job somewhere?
(what are b-skuls?)
how can I edit the original text?
I'm not sure what you're asking. You should edit your own word processing document according to our recommendations and then cut and paste the edited text right into the discussion in the way that you just asked a question.
Yes, you don't replace the original essay with the edited one -- you simply post the revised version as your response to our advice. Once you've done that, one of us will normally replace your original essay with "SEE BELOW" to save on space.
...,I decided a rupee or ten wont harm me,...
I don't like this sentence. I would probably change it to something like, "...I decided a rupee or ten wouldn't hurt, so I bought him biscuits."
Should we tip the waiter?". "Okay.", he said.
Outside the restaurant, we (me and my 4 friends) were (...) by a child beggar.
^My four friends and I?
While none of them wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wont harm me, and bought him biscuits.
^replace with 'SO I decided to buy'
Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the kid, who was no
taller than my feet, dressed in rags, the most natural wear of footwear.
^was he up to your shoe or something?
After 'talk to the kid', you can put a full stop, and then start the new sentence by saying that 'he was no taller...'
also, is he the most natural wear of footwear, or is he 'wearing it'.
We talked about his ill mother, dead father, his schooling, where he lived; I loved the innocense with which he replied. T
^spell innocence right.
here and then I decided I could help him, teach him, and I started imagining the methods I'll use to teach him, the practise of the english alphabet,
^Here and there??remove that man...
you started TO IMAGINE HOW I WILL TEACH HIM
teaching him tables, values of life, manners, in fact everything I know. It thrilled me.
^I understand that tables is what Indians refer to as Multiplication. However, other readers may think that you are going to literaly teach him about what tables are. Stick to the safe side and call it multiplication.
I never told him about it, but I knew I wanted to do it.
I didn't.
^What did you not do, because you talk about two things in the sentence above...
The guilt that followed a week later when I saw him begging on the street again was (...).
I consider this a mistake in my life because I had right in front of me an opportunity to affect someone's life and I let it go.
^Bad sentence.
By the way, did you let some one's life go?
or an opportunity?
NOT CLEAR.
But it was significant enough to change the course of my life. A week later, I saw two kids studying in the street light, and I lost no time to approach them.
^I never knew you could study in a street light. I thought I would burn...I always thought that the more conventional thing to do would be to study
UNDER the streetlight?
I have been teaching them for around a year now.I have made a conscious effort to contribute to the society and motivate others to do so.
^Just by teaching two children and ignoring the other one that you mentioned above, makes it contributing to the whole society? change it and make it 'my' society, because just 'the' society implies that you helped the entire society, of perhaps your city or country, which is debatable at this point.
That lead the beginning of my volunteer group at college.
^lead TO
The mistake made me realise that social work(or helping others-underprivileged) is something I want to do, not for today, not for tomorrow, but for the rest of my life.
^Be more specific. THAT mistake.
by the way social work is not only limited to the underprivileged. If you are going to use such a broad term, realise that it also includes the handicapped and the elderly..
I hope you find my contribution meaningful
