Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

Context helps, too. That's why it's so much easier to remember words learned while reading than it is to remember words memorized from a list. When you think back to the words you picked up from reading a novel, for instance, you can remember the passage in which the word appeared, which can allow you to figure out its meaning anew if necessary.

Essays / Leader or event in history - Scholarship Essay for Admission [7]

And comments that aren't helpful will be deleted anyway, and not count towards allowing you to create new threads. So, you should definitely make sure to post the same sort of feedback you would like to receive on your own threads when helping others.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

A while back, I suggested you read my article on using strong verbs. I will repeat that advice now, adding that you especially need to work on eliminating forms of "to be" such as "is," "are," "was," and "were."

At one point, you're using the verb once every sentence:

"During the latter half of my graduation subjects like campaign and photography were introduced in our syllabus, that I discovered my true interest. I was ranked 2nd for third academic year, and continued to improve my work thereafter. With a practical approach of my bachelors program I was able to develop quiet a flair for design.

Since my education was focused mainly on the graphics & visual, I did not get a chance to hone my concept and idea building skills that are essential for any communication design."

Even when you aren't using forms of "to be," you are using other weak verbs:

"Since my education was focused mainly on the graphics & visual, I did not get a chance to hone my concept and idea building skills that are essential for any communication design. A company internship that I did recently made me realize this gap in my education."

Until you revise your essay and hinge it on strong verbs, it will remain too weak to garner much interest from your readers.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on How High School Sports Influenced you [8]

Congratulations. Every little bit helps, I'm sure.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

You might be able to address some of Simone's concerns by using the word "technology" less. Either employ synonyms, pronouns, or new sentence structures that allow you to eliminate some instances of the word. Your essay will then seem more well-organized than repetitive, or at least, it will seem more like the former and less like the latter.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

For instance:

Before (78 words):

Since childhood, my dream was to matriculate a reputable university in Vietnam and at that time, an university which is in group A is very valuable. So in 12 years, I have learned hard, especially maths and physics, in order to pursue my dream. But once, when I was free and invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I thought that: " let's come and find out how an international university work, I'll lose nothing to do this".

After (50 words):

Since childhood, I have always dreamt of matriculating from a reputable university in Vietnam For 12 years, I pursued my dream by studying intensively, especially maths and physics. But when I was invited to a workshop of RMIT Vietnam, I decided to explore the workings of an international university work.

Notice that this revision of the first three sentences of your essay has reduced the original word count for this section by over a third. You can do something similar for the rest of your essay to make room for your new points. In fact, you would want to revise for conciseness like this even if you weren't planning on adding anything new.

Research Papers / Persuading the American people to fight against global warming [5]

No problem. It's good that you posted your outline here before you tried writing the essay itself -- you likely saved yourself many hours of frustration. Feel free to post your new outline once you have it written.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

You have summarized my position accurately, as well as my understanding of yours.

I do hope, though, that you are not trying to say this:


If this is what you are trying to say, then you have misunderstood the meaning of the term "objectivity." If these truths exist objectively, then by definition they exist independently of us, because that is what objectivity means, in this context. This isn't a matter of philosophical debate -- it's a linguistic tautology.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Ah. You haven't been reading your Douglas Adams. You can know either the great question of life, the universe, and everything OR the answer to it, but never both at the same time.

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

"but I knew that the best way to find answers in life was to go out into the world and ask questions through my time in Egypt I found answers to most of my questions but the most elusive one remained; why can people who want the same things not find peace?" This is a run-on sentence.

Generally, though, your essay is ready for submission.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing: 2 short essays (reading versus doing things; Neighbors) [6]


I would agree with you, if the student were going to challenge the question, by talking about a method of learning other than one of the two provided, or if the essay were going to be about, in some way, "the broader issue of multiple intelligences and different learning styles." However, the student isn't, and the essay isn't. Given the fact that this is TOEFL essay, this is probably a good thing. Creativity and depth aren't really the point of this sort of writing. In fact, if the student were to challenge the question, the student might well fail, for going off topic.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

I don't think you can be precluded from posting new threads -- at least, I don't know of any option the moderators have that would keep you as a member while stopping you from starting new threads. The only thing I could think of would be if you had posted a lot of new threads without commenting on anyone else's work, but you are very active on the site, so that shouldn't be a problem. What error message do you get when you try to create a new thread?

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

You are suppose to show off shamelessly in this sort of essay. You are selling yourself, remember. You can talk about your character, but if you do, use anecdotes to show your positive qualities, rather than just telling the reader about them generally.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

Yes, the instructions you gave make little sense. I can't imagine that your teacher wants a one page research paper -- you just wouldn't have space enough to analyze research on just about any topic in so short a space. Simone's guess that your teacher has actually asked you for a proposal makes a lot more sense, but it would be nice to have the exact wording to work with.

Graduate / 'I will bring a curiosity and willingness to learn new things'; Graduate essay nursing - critique [6]

You need to bridge the Nightingale story and your paragraph about your current goals. You go from something that happened to you at age 12, and then skip to what you are trying to do now, some 10 years later. Hopefully, your understanding of the nursing profession has grown since then.

Also, your conclusion is a bit weak at the moment. Perhaps you could eliminate the last sentence, and replace it with a more detail discussion of the theorists you mentioned, and say how your knowledge of their work will inform your graduate studies in nursing.

Essays / Any good topics for classification essay? similar to compare and contrast essay [4]

Simone has already covered the nature of a classification essay so well that I can't really add much on that score. As to the question of how you go about finding topics, I'd suggest that you ask the Overmind. That is, google "classification essay topics".

Hint: the first site listed on my search is goodessaytopics.com/classification-essay-topics.html

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing: 2 short essays (reading versus doing things; Neighbors) [6]

Better yet, you could eliminate most of your introduction altogether for the first essay. Saying that "People learn in many different ways" is perfectly true, but it isn't very interesting or relevant to the prompt, which asks you to choose between two specific methods of learning. If you are going to favor "doing" why not start out with a brief anecdote about a time you learned something specific through that method, then give your thesis, then summarize the points you plan to make in support of that thesis? That's fairly standard format for introductions to this sort of essay.

Writing Feedback / a baby doesn't know the intricacy of external world; TOEFL IBT Essay "Parents are the best teachers" [6]

Content-wise you could shore up your essay by defining what exactly you mean by "best teacher" before attempting to apply that designation to parents. At the moment, you seem to mean that parents are by default the main teachers for their children. This is certainly true in most cases. However, I don't know if being someone's primary teacher makes one their best teacher. For instance, a boy raised in a family where the father abuses the mother, and the mother accepts it stoically as her lot, may learn that the best way to deal with women is through violence. The father and mother are the primary teachers of that lesson, but I wouldn't say that teaching such a lesson makes either of them a "good" teacher. Of course, if the father were to deliberately inculcate misogyny in his son, beyond what the son might have learned from his father's example, and if the son then became very misogynistic, one could argue that the father was a "good" teacher in the sense of being "very effective at teaching." Still, I suspect that most people would view him as less than ideal, as a teacher, and would certainly not want to term him the "best teacher" for the child. This isn't to say that a parent can't be the best teacher for a child, or even that parents aren't the best teachers in general, but you should be able to see how a clear definition of what you mean by the term would help you craft a stronger essay.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Explaining what you will do for their university is vital, as it answers the essay question in terms that are very important to your intended audience. Don't forget to post your revised version here for further feedback.

Book Reports / help with thesis statment, oedipus the king: "Does Sophocles" [3]

Presumably, you will want to focus more on the key difference between a person with an Oedipus complex and Oedipus. Freud theorized that boys went through a phase where they felt hostility towards their fathers because they viewed them as rivals for their mothers. But Oedipus doesn't kill Laius because he views Laius as a rival for Jocasta. It's just a case of road rage. Nor does he necessarily desire Jocasta, whom he marries as part of a deal to become king, not out of love. At least taking this approach would give you a response that is a bit more on topic.

Letters / complaint letter to landlord about the new hired house [4]

You might want to consider breaking up your body paragraph into several smaller ones, each dealing with its own problem. You could then elaborate a bit more on each, while eliminating some unnecessary details. So, building on Simone's grammatically revised version:

"As you know, on July 1st 2009, I moved into your house. Initially, I thought it was a lovely house with bright paint and quite good furniture. But two days later, when I woke up and went to the lavatory to brush my teeth and take a bath, I was very amazed that the room was I woke up to find the bathroom flooded although I did not leave any rubbish in its tube. There is only one remaining toilet that can be used, which is inconvenient for my kids and my wife because we are all very busy in the morning. Moreover, the water source [for the shower? the sink? the kitchen?] is not as clean as you promised.

Additionally, I have been having several problems with the kitchen.the stove and the wall. The chimney of the stove seems to be stuck; whenever we cook more than two dishes, there is always a lot of smoke in the house fills with smoke. Moreover, the paint on the walls has cracked apart and scattered over the floor .

Essays / a Comparison and cantrash paragraph about two places [4]

Often, you'll end up emphasizing either the comparisons or the contrasts in this sort of essay. So, you might say "City A and City B are both superficially similar in that they possess characteristics A, B, and C. However, they are really quite different because of characteristics D, E, and F." Whether you end up emphasizing the similarities or the differences depends upon which of the two are least obvious, as it is more interesting to argue that two apparently similar things are different or that two apparently different things are similar, than it is to say that two things that seem the same mostly are similar, or that two things that seem different actually are different. As most people choose two apparently similar things when asked to write a comparison and contrast essay, that usually means that you'll want to play up the differences.

Poetry / The Wedding Couple by Donald Hall [4]

Don't forget, too, to define what you mean by "love," as well as what you think the poet means by it, if there is a discrepancy between the two. It will be difficult to argue that the characters in the poem embody love as it should be if you haven't established a clear definition of the term beforehand.

Essays / Leader or event in history - Scholarship Essay for Admission [7]

This should be an easy topic for you. The Wright brothers aren't the first people that most students would pick as key influences on their decision to go into diplomacy or intelligence work. You must have had strong reasons for choosing them, then, or you would have selected a more obviously relevant person or event. So, start by stating your main reasons for choosing them. As for how you organize it, its an admissions essay, so ideally the reasons you give will tie into positive character traits you yourself possess, that might make you seem like a good candidate for a scholarship. If you can make such a connection in your thesis, you can then use the entire essay to elaborate on the comparison. It is difficult to give you precise feedback, though, without some sort of draft. Perhaps you could take a shot at one, then post it here.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Simone is right -- you should focus heavily on what you plan to do with your degree, how you plan to contribute to society, etc. You might also talk about how you would contribute to the university environment as well. Also, is the scholarship based purely on merit, or is it based partially on need, too? If the latter, you will have to explain why you need the scholarship more than other applicants. If it's only merit-based, though, then stick with focusing on how good of a student you are, and how much you have already contributed to your community, and plan to contribute more both at university and after graduation.

Research Papers / Persuading the American people to fight against global warming [5]

You definitely need to narrow your thesis. You could probably write a 12 page paper arguing that CO2 is the prime culprit of global warming. You could then probably write another 12 page paper arguing that global warming will have severe enough effects to warrant fighting against it rather than simply adapting to it. Most of the sub-points for IV, V, VI could also be topics for their own essays. To try and cover all of this in a single essay is a mistake, because you will end up only repeating environmentalist talking points, without ever having time to scratch the surface of your topic and to go into detail on any given point. So, decide which aspect of the topic interests you the most, and focus on that. Given your current topic, you might want to focus on performing a cost-benefit analysis of fighting global warming versus adapting to it, which at least narrows your topic to one aspect of the economic dimension of the issue, though even that might prove to be a bit much to handle in a mere 12 pages. You might be better off looking at some aspect of the Kyoto Protocol, or at one of the climate effects you blame on global warming, such as increased hurricane strength. They aren't as interesting as the question of how we should deal with global warming, but they are probably more manageable.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


Ah, but is this how things are, or merely how you would like them to be? There is an old saying that ignorance is bliss. A similar sentiment was expressed by T.S. Eliot when he wrote that "Human kind cannot bear too much reality." The weight of scientific knowledge is a ponderous burden, carrying with it as it is does such a mass of awareness and responsibility. Perhaps it would be better to create castles in our minds, and there retreat from the harsh light of the real. We could even, with a bit of effort, convince ourselves that our wonderful castles were the truth, and that the world around us was the illusion. Of course, reality would persist in being, in spite of our best efforts, but we could try to find ways to cover it up and hide it. Why, we might even try calling the objective basis of math into question, as if the Pythagorean theorum had been invented, rather than discovered, as if the existence of nuclear power didn't prove the validity of the maths underlying it. And while one might think that no one would accept something so self-evidently false, maybe a lot of people would, because no single person can ever learn enough of what we as a species have already discovered to know more than a fraction of it. And wouldn't it be reassuring,then, to think that that knowledge was really only a matter of subjective perspective after all, that the important truths lie within and can be encompassed by letting the mind go blank, rather than existing outside of us, stretching out to the point where we can only ever know a sliver of them, and then only through a constant process of study and grueling intellectual effort? Ah, I would love to believe in your castles!

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

I'm not convinced that it is a misconception. I'm pretty sure mathematical concepts are discovered, rather than created. It doesn't surprise me to learn that there is a school of thought that challenges this, though, and I would be curious indeed to hear your examples purporting to show otherwise. I would especially appreciate it if you could point to a country in which Newtonian physics breaks down.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Speaking for myself, there was never anything personal in it. I have many friends who disagree with me intensely on various issues. Political and religious differences may be the basis for some very heated disagreements, but they should never be the basis for personal dislike. I suspect, from what you have written, that you would be loyal and thoughtful to those you considered friends, and that alone is enough for me to think of you as a good person, howsoever much I may disagree with you philosophically.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Of course it will, when I am discussing material that deals with spiritual belief, much as your own spiritual beliefs will color what you write. The question I asked was not rhetorical, btw. I was genuinely curious as to where you thought middle ground might be found between religious and non-religious people. On many issues, when religion is kept out of it, some sort of compromise position is possible between people who disagree. You have a rationalist structure, within which people can work to convince each other of their points, or at least to explain their positions to one another. Once you are going on matters of faith alone, though, how can people have any meaningful discourse with one another? They might be able to mimic such discourse, if everyone were to accept some set of fundamentally irrational, arbitrary premises as correct, by building up a rational discourse based on those premises. But if the premises themselves are not subject to rational consideration, then how could those people ever hope to discourse with people who did not accept them -- i.e. non-believers, whether secular or adherents of some other religion?

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


They have used different methods of representing the same concepts, yes. But the concepts themselves are the same. Newton physics holds true regardless of what country you live in, or how you express the formulas.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Mustafa, you seem to have misunderstood the meaning of "churlish". You were in fact rude, insulting, and uncivil. Worse, it was unnecessary. Consider this revision of your post:

Pathetically moribund.

I had a very difficult time following your essay.trying to rationalize anything about your essay, even prompt aside;Many of your sentences are not coherent sentences in the context of this bewildering essay are akin to gold.

Try revising it to make SOMEkind ofmore sense, by navigating a logical, well defined track. [You might here have offered a suggestion as to how the author could go about doing that]

Once you've done that, repost, and there may be a chance that someone can help you.
As is, I hope you have something else going for you (grades?) to offset -- at least mitigate -- the disastrous impression that this essay is sure to leave on your reader.

Notice that the useful content of your post remains the same after revision. Writing the original may have been fun for you, but, given the context, it is poor writing, because the sarcasm makes the reader less likely to take your advice, or to view your post as helpful.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]


Then you have a poor handbook in front of you, written by the sort of people whose advice in such matters should generally be ignored.


Not entirely, or the student wouldn't have used the term, nor I defended it. Most dictionaries do not yet accept the distinction you or your handbook makes. Nor do people who know how the language evolved. As I pointed out, mankind is gender inclusive. It always has been, and was long before "man" also began to be used as a gender specific term. I suspect that, like most forms of political correctness, this is a linguistic change that will never wholly catch on, beyond certain ideological pockets of society.


Not really. That sort of nonsense is possible in English, largely because gender has already mostly disappeared (it used to be a gendered language, too). As a result, English speakers can think that having a masculine noun for the species is sexist. They are still wrong, but at least it makes a certain amount of sense, if you don't know the history of the language. In a gendered language (which includes most of the Romance and Germanic languages), this sort of thing doesn't gain traction, because it is obvious that gendered nouns have nothing to do with actual gender in the real world. The issue in English occurs therefore out of ignorance, as I said before, and the sensibilities of ignorant people should not concern any writer who is not specifically writing for an ignorant audience. As you point out though, some university-level writing will fall into this category, and then one must bow to the dictates of political correctness.

Essays / 'confused by the question asked'; Human Resource Management Assignment [7]

You might also look at the nature of the uncertainty created. Technology, for instance, can make entire workforces obsolete in a very short time, without anyone realizing it until the process is well underway. The economy creates uncertainty too, but only within certain parameters. That is, throughout the early part of this century, no one could predict exactly when the next recession would hit. Everyone knew, though, that a recession would eventually hit, and nothing that has been happening recently is particularly different from what always happens in a recession. So, the sort of uncertainty is qualitatively different when it comes to the economy than it is for technology. If you looked at the uncertainty created by the other factors you list in the same way, you might be able to develop an interesting thesis.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

It is great to see the sort of questions you are exploring. Here are my first thoughts upon reading your latest post:


Because it underlies all of our modern technology. Also because the truths it describes are undeniable and objective, lying beyond the subjective issues of other languages.


Calculus isn't a property, it is a system or discipline, one that explains certain properties of physical existence that can't be explained otherwise. For instance, calculus resolves many of Zeno's paradoxes.


You are on shaky ground, here. People experienced the reality of motion long before Newton discovered the mathematical formulas that describe it.


That's interesting. One could say that time is merely a measure of motion. After all, when we thing of time stopping, what we really think of is motion stopping.

Essays / 'confused by the question asked'; Human Resource Management Assignment [7]

Can you see any unifying threads you could use to draw together your material into a strong essay? Is there some way in which most or all of the issues you mention involve the same factors? Is there an approach to solving one of these problems that would work with some or all of the others? I can only ask you questions that will guide you in the right direction. My own background is in English, not business, so I couldn't supply you with answers directly, even if I were inclined to do so.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay on why people want to study (give me any comment on my following essay) [8]

However, as time changes, so do the phenomena.

or

However, as time changes, so does the phenomenon.

Or, better yet, choose less vague phrasing to begin with.

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

Another key element is learning to make yourself interested in whatever topic you are assigned, as you often won't have that much control over what professors make you write on. In first year, you can't even be certain that the classes you take will be on subjects that interest you, until after you have been in those classes for awhile. Obviously, wherever you have a choice, you should choose that which is most interesting to you, but really, you should master the art of throwing yourself into something wholeheartedly even if it doesn't initially appeal to you.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

Yes, but you want 4-5 pages of material that will get you a high mark, I assume, since you have posted your essay here in an effort to improve it. So, go through and do the ruthless cutting. Then, you can start thinking about what else you could add to the essay to make it stronger. You might even just cut it down to something really good, then post here asking for ways to expand on that solid core that would make the essay even stronger.

Essays / 'confused by the question asked'; Human Resource Management Assignment [7]

Well, why don't you brainstorm your topic and see what ideas you come up with. You must have some idea what challenges HR managers face. And you can probably figure out which ones involve the notion of uncertainty. That would give a place to start . . .