Essays / Who I would (if I could) nominate for a Nobel Peace Prize and why [15]

So you didn't actually have to write it up as an essay? If you did, or still do, don't forget to post the essay here for some more feedback.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

You're right . . . it doesn't really fit the topic. If you are going to study medicine, or some field in which you spend your time helping others, you can probably make it fit the topic, with some specific examples of how exactly you plan to help. It will be much easier if you've decided to go into a field you are passionate about. I suppose you could go into medicine or engineering because your parents want you to and it will get you a high paying job, but that's 10 years of intense study of a subject you don't care about, followed by a lifetime of doing something you have no interest in. There isn't enough money in the world to make that worthwhile, unless its enough money to allow you to retire so you don't have to live like that. Plus, it makes writing this sort of essay way easier, because you actually have goals that you want to write about with true emotion. Then, you would probably be better off writing a new essay from scratch. That's normally quicker than trying to rework an essay written for a different topic anyway.

Essays / Stuck on intro to my essay (the creative process effect on commercial contents) [7]

"Hugh Jackman should have died."

There, that should get your readers' attention. I'll leave it up to you to figure out how to transition from that to your thesis at the end of your introduction. :-)

Writing Feedback / Rough Draft on relation between the epigraph and Gatsby in The Great Gatsby [4]

You might want to add a paragraph on to the end of your essay in which you explain why Daisy doesn't accept Gatsby in spite of the gold hat and the high bouncing. I mean, the epigraph is ironic, because things don't work out for Gatsby at all. So, the significance of the choice of epigraph is probably bound up in the reasons why things don't work out. Perhaps something about the danger of winning a woman who loves gold hats and high bouncing more than the person who has them? Or of even trying to win such a woman? Just a thought.

Essays / Help on thesis statement Subject: Greek heroism [13]

Your thesis might focus on either a common thread you can see that unites all four heroes in being heroic, or else on a significant difference you can see between the Greek and Mesopotamian heroes. As Kevin said, it will be easier to help you if you post write-ups for each ones so we can look for commonalities.

Undergraduate / Reply letter to __ college for not being able to accept the admission offer. [5]

Pretty good. Here are a few minor fixes:

"Unfortunately , I had to turn down the offer from (name of college) because after a careful analysis, I found out that I wouldn't be able to afford my education at this college."

"The generous financial aid that (name of college) offered to provide me "

"Please accept the statement of intention to enroll form which I have sent to (name of college) through mail and may take some time to reach there." This is a bit confusing. If you aren't going there, why have you sent them an intention to enroll form, and why do you want them to accept it?

Grammar, Usage / Using an ellipsis in the middle of a quote [6]

It depends on what the subject is. APA tends to be more popular in the social sciences, MLA in the humanities. Harvard is apparently very popular, but I've only recently encountered it, and it isn't as set as the other citation methods.

Research Papers / Problem and Solution essay- global warming [10]

Michael Crichton's State of Fear is also an interesting read. While it's a work of fiction, it's heavily footnoted with references to actual academic sources that you can track down. Of course, it probably won't help much with your essay, as it argues a completely different thesis on the topic. Still, it's a good book.

Grammar, Usage / Using an ellipsis in the middle of a quote [6]

MLA does recommend brackets, so as to avoid confusion between ellipses you've added and ellipses already in the text. However, I believe MLA leaves out the spaces between the dots. So, "this is an [...] example of MLA formatting for ellipses." That said, I've always written for profs who expect MLA format, and I've always just used three ellipses marks with spaces between them, and no one has ever called me on it.

Writing Feedback / Bioethical Disputes: simple essay on explaining a concept [7]

Did you pick this topic, or was it assigned? If you have any degree of choice, I'd strongly suggest picking one of the issues you touch on and writing an essay entirely on that. You could easily write several essays on euthanasia, or stem cell research, or institutionalization (not sure how this is a bioethical dispute, btw), so trying to cover all three in just one paper is asking for trouble. If you have to be that broad in your approach, though, try to identify common threads that unify the issues. So, for instance, respect for life versus respect for freedom underlies euthanasia, stem cell research and abortion debates. This allows you to touch on several issues while discussing a single concept in detail.

Writing Feedback / I've vowed to change how I interact with people; Fruitful discussion. [5]

Hmmm . . . Like Kevin, I find it difficult to gauge the reasonableness of your response because I haven't read Dowd.

What you have said, on its own, is perfectly reasonable. Essentially you seem to be saying that America, as a nation, shouldn't throw away its moral compass just because a bunch of fanatics destroyed a couple of buildings and a handful of planes. That's fine.

However, is Dowd really arguing that America should do whatever it likes, without any attempt at being moral? Or is he arguing that things you personally believe are immoral are justifiable (which is different)? What exactly does he believe changed after 9/11? Does he come up with any new principles to govern America's response, to replace the old ones? Your main problem, if you are trying to address your prof's comments by writing a new version of the assignment, is that I don't know the answers to these questions after reading your reply. Whereas, if you had summarized his points effectively, I would know.

Therefore, I would suggest you try writing a paragraph in which you summarize Dowd's views, without passing any judgment on them. Better yet, write up a summary of his views as he might write it, if he were asked to provide an abstract for his article. Then, you can use that as an introduction to your reply, and refer back to it when you are presenting your critique of it. At the very least, it would make it easier for us to follow your arguments.

By the way, I admire your honesty and courage in writing the opening to this thread -- it takes real bravery to be that introspective in public.

Research Papers / Budget - Problem and solution research paper [8]

What exactly is the school budget issue? You are going to have to provide more details if you expect useful feedback, unless someone here happens to be familiar with school budget issues in NJ, and can guess which one you mean.

Writing Feedback / English Comp Essay for clep exam- "Banning ammo" [3]

First of all, be careful with your grammar: "Like the guns, they already have the ammuntion." The they in this sentence seems to refer back to crime rates, but how does it make sense to say that crime rates have ammunition in the same way that guns do?

Also, you need to deal with the two obvious arguments in favor of the proposal:

1) guns don't get used up, or at least not very rapidly. Ammunition does, so if you ban ammunition, when the ammunition people already have gets used up, then it will become really difficult to get.

2) banning guns creates a constitutional hassle because of the second amendment. A ban on ammo might not, especially if the court was packed with pro-gun control judges when it heard the case.

You should respond to these two arguments, and show why they are wrong. Then, you should add more reasons of your own against the proposal. You could point out that gun ownership rates are generally unrelated to crime rates, and that where they are correlated, gun rates normally track crime rates. That is, when crime rates rise, more people buy guns, rather than the other way around. You could also explain that criminals, by their very nature, break laws, and so are generally unaffected by gun control measures of any sort, including potential ammo bans, and that such measures only even affect the law-abiding populace, that is, the portion of the population we can trust with guns. You could point out too that only an armed populace is guaranteed to remain under democratic governance. And so on.

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]


I'm curious; do you mean that calling for love requires learning, arts, literature, and religion, or that love itself does? I'm not sure that either statement would make a great deal of sense, but at the moment the sentence is saying the former, while I suspect you actually want to say the latter.

Writing Feedback / Under the Age of Eighteen and in the Military: Evaluation Essay [4]

Your essay needs a sharper focus. Tyler already pointed out your need for a thesis upfront. You will also need to come up with some general principles you can base your argument on. You seem to conclude that the law is valid, so you will have to explain what makes 18 a good age for military recruitment, why the military might want to include 17 year-olds in its organization, why seventeen year-olds should be viewed as having the maturity to make that decision, and, if they do have that maturity, why they should then need their parents consent. You might want to tie the answers to these questions in to larger issues involving the military and its recruitment practices. So, many young adults join the military because it is a way of affording college. Others because playing recruitment videogames has made them think that military service is cool. Are these good reasons for joining the military? Or does it show that people are joining up without fully understanding the potential consequences? And if this is so, does that bear on the issue of recruitment age at all?

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

I think he is asking why Luke didn't post the entire story for us. That would have been really cool, because the story sounds as if it would be very interesting, based on the excerpt he did post.

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

Tyler pretty much covered it. I tend to correct for content and structure first, though. There isn't much point in editing an essay for grammar if it is going to have to be seriously rewritten, because then the corrected sentences will be deleted, or merged with other ones, and all the time spent editing will be lost. Once an essay is pretty much in its final form, apart from grammar and spelling, then I'll post comments using the red letters to correct grammatical mistakes. If the essay needs a lot of grammatical work and content work, I might include a correction or two in each comment, so that the final task isn't overwhelming.

I also find that in a lot of persuasive or argumentative essays, it helps to point out some of the opposing points of view, if you know them. A lot of people tend to ignore the opposite side of the thesis they are presenting in such cases, and so end up with essays that seem shallow. When doing this, keep it impersonal, and try to do it consistently regardless of which side you happen to be on. Try to avoid actually attacking a person for their point of view, or suggesting they switch their thesis, unless they have done a particularly bad job defending it. So, no "How can you support abortion, you murderer!" or "How can you oppose abortion, you oppressive patriarchal redneck" type comments.

It is nice to see people on the site taking an interest in improving the quality of their comments, btw. Good job.

Undergraduate / 'in love with the stage' - Common App--Elaborate an Activity [13]

The first part of your essay is really strong. The second part needs a little bit more editing. You should add a sentence or two in the middle, just after "Sometimes conflicts occurred, for instance, when an actor was not satisfied with a partner's performance and I had to be the moderator to resolve the problem." to connect up with the revised version of what you have now:

"The play received a standing ovation on its opening night, and I was eventually awarded "The Best Director" by _____. This experience taught me that life is like a play for which I am both playwright and director."

You then need a new concluding sentence [the one you have now doesn't really make much sense]. Then, you'll be ready to submit.

Research Papers / Problem and Solution essay- global warming [10]

Manhattan, like the fabled city of Atlantis, will soon sink under the seas, becoming a watery grave for millions that will one day be remembered only in legend.

How you start depends upon what aspect of global warming you chose to focus on, but you first sentence should capture the readers interest, as in the example above. Of course, if you use that sort of a hook, you have to be able to justify it in the body of your essay based on the research you will be presenting.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement with 3 points (global warming) [15]

If you are still at the thesis writing stage, and if you haven't been assigned this topic specifically, you might even want to pick a different subject altogether. Global warming comes up on this site as a topic really, really frequently. It will be difficult for you to come up with an approach that hasn't been done to death. Try to find a subject that is a bit less common, so that your essay will stand out from the pack a bit more.

Speeches / talk about someone in your family who you admire [8]


The part of your essay I've excerpted above is really strong -- it deals in specific details that capture the readers' interest.


This is weaker, because it is more general and vague. You skim over what must have been a very interesting history. I'd suggest revising the second half of your essay to make it as detailed as the first half.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP - practice essay "Impossible Goals" [9]

Using all of the available punctuation marks helps, too. Dashes work a lot like commas, only they give a more informal feel to your writing. Also, you have to remember to add another dash at the end of your clause if you are going to continue the sentence -- this would be an example, for instance -- or else the reader might get confused. Semi-colons replace periods, and are usually used to indicate that the ideas in two consecutive sentences are very closely related; however, the sentence after a semi-colon doesn't need a capital letter to start. Colons are the great introducer of quotations and explanations.

Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]


Why would we do that? It would require a lot of effort, and we wouldn't gain anything from it. Our goal here is to help students who are legitimately trying to improve their own writing skills by seeking feedback on work they have put real effort into doing, so it wouldn't even advance the purposes of the site. So, to answer your question as succinctly as possible, no.

Feel free to take Tyler's advice, though. If you at least try to do the work yourself, we can give you feedback you can use to improve it. Who knows, you might even learn something from the revision process, almost as if you were being . . . educated by the experience.

Research Papers / Problem and Solution essay- global warming [10]

You should probably pick a single aspect of global warming to focus on. After all, global warming, as a whole, has both benefits and drawbacks. Most of Canada and Russia, for instance, would likely benefit overall from global warming. Africa, on the other hand, and coastal regions of the aforementioned countries (of all countries, for that matter) are likely to be more negatively affected. So, to even term global warming a problem is problematic, unless you narrow down your subject a bit more. So, you could look a rising sea levels, harsher hurricanes, severer droughts in some regions, the risk of a deep freeze in much of Europe, etc. Pick one of these issues, then look at the causes and possible solutions to it.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement with 3 points (global warming) [15]

Be careful, though. A thesis must be debatable. So, assuming your mother's hair is clearly thick, long, and lustrous, that wouldn't make a very good thesis statement, because no one would argue with it. Also, impressions can be vague and ill-defined. A thesis statement is generally well-defined and focused.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

Your answer is excellent. Good job. It can't have been easy cutting down that much when you had so much that you wanted to include. You should be proud of your efforts.

Book Reports / Given this topic: the play 'Pygmalion', what do you think I am to write about? [14]

You need to go into more detail in your thesis. Is Shaw promoting proper language? If so, why isn't Liza's transformation wholly positive from beginning to end, as her language improves steadily throughout? Or is he trying to show that appearance, language, and class are only outward surfaces that a person must change to improve her social standing, but that ultimately have to be backed up by self-confidence and independence? What can be made of Liza's leaving Higgins, who has all of the things you mention in your thesis? If Shaw is trying to say that these are the most important values a person should hold, then shouldn't Liza stay with Higgins? And so on.

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay (Lithium based batteries>Nickel based batteries) [33]

The assignment is to be persuasive, right? So, who exactly are you trying to persuade? Who is your target audience? Your paragraph at the moment might greatly interest someone who is very much into engineering batteries, I suppose. Otherwise, it's a bit dull. I mean, really:

"Though both nickel based batteries and lithium based batteries supply a sufficient amount of electrical power for a variety of electrical devices, the advantages of lithium based technology greatly outweigh that of nickel based cells in terms of capacity, energy density, cycle amount, internal resistance and effective discharge rates"

This may be true. But I am not feeling energized (pardon the pun) about the issue. Now that I think about it, what exactly are you trying to persuade me of? That lithium based technology is better? But I assume that there really isn't much debate over that. Surely "capacity, energy density, cycle amount, internal resistance and effective discharge rates""are all empirical measures? This is more informative than persuasive, then. Or are you trying to persuade me to only buy lithium batteries? But if nickle batteries supply a "sufficient amount of electrical power" then none of your reasons is persuasive, if nickle batteries are 10 times cheaper than lithium ones (they may not be, but how would I know, as you haven't touched on this aspect of the topic?)

And this is why, though your paragraph is well-written and well-informed, it might garner a low mark from your teacher. "By showing hard data and in-depth information on a variety of battery chemistries, one will most likely be able to determine the immense advantage lithium based batteries have over nickel based batteries." But you won't be able to persuade me of anything. You can inform me that lithium batteries are better. If there is any debate about that, you can convince me to agree with you to avoid having to listen to any more on the subject, which is about as fascinating to most people as watching paint dry. But you haven't given your audience a reason to care about a topic, or explained why the topic is important, or why you think the audience might need to change its mind about it. Indeed, it seems likely that most people you might be writing this for probably don't have an opinion on the topic at all, and so don't need to be persuaded to change their minds about anything.

So, either pick a different topic, or find a way to make this one interesting. And either way, make sure that you are arguing a point that at least some of your audience might vehemently disagree with. Persuasion implies resistance. That is, you don't need to persuade people who already agree with you. You need to persuade people who don't.

Good luck.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]


Why is it that people always express what they want to say most articulately when they are insisting they don't know how to express themselves? "Though i am an engineer, I've always been interested in arts"is an excellent topic sentence you could use to introduce a paragraph discussing how you would like to combine your two interests. Likewise, "I've crossed a difficult phase where i had to leave my studies for a year" works perfectly well as a topic sentence for a paragraph about that phase, though the use of the word "crossed" is ever so slightly awkward. That's an easy fix, though -- just substitute in something like "suffered through" for "crossed,"

Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

It might help to define what you mean by "human nature." If you mean "that which makes us human, as oppose to just another animal," then you can argue that we should study animals precisely to eliminate from consideration those forms of behavior and personality that animals share with humans, to get at what makes us unique. If by human nature you mean "those characteristic that humans possess, regardless of whether or not animals have them too," then you could argue that we could study animals to learn more about our own instincts, as Tyler suggests. In each case you could take the opposite side, but again your arguments would differ depending upon your definition.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement with 3 points (global warming) [15]

Have you already done your research on global warming, or are you trying to pick a thesis that you are going to research? It sort of sounds like you're doing the latter, but it would be better for you to do your research first, and then come up with your thesis. That way, you won't end up covering more material that you can easily deal with. For instance,

"Modern Industrialization is causing intolerable harm to our ecosystems, directly affecting our sea levels, and changing our weather patterns." I imagine you could write an entire paper about the link between global warming and sea levels. Or another one about the connection between global warming and weather patterns. Your second thesis could likewise provide material for another three separate essays. So, I'd say you should pick one of these subtopics, then see if you can come up with three points that would allow to make a solid argument for (or against) it.

Book Reports / Given this topic: the play 'Pygmalion', what do you think I am to write about? [14]

Ned's advice is spot on. Ask yourself what you think Shaw believes in, based on what you have read of his work. The answer to that question will consist of the values you should talk about.

Scholarship / The Scholarship Jacket [3]

"Throughout the course of life, individuals work towards a goal to reap its benefits. This reward is self explanatory and shows your superiority over your peers." These sentences are awkwardly phrased. Also, They seem to imply that people pursue goals mostly in hopes of being able to look down on their peers, which isn't what you want to say, I think. Revise.

"The narrator has been working hard to achieve academic excellence throughout her life, in hopes of receiving the scholarship jacket.

"Marta's hopes to follow her older sister's footsteps in earning the scholarship jacket, a goal that she is committed t o prior to hearing a discussion between the principal and Mr. Schmidt about the jacket."

Undergraduate / People face a dilemma where do they get the best suggestion from? [10]

Okay, you say, "By taking suggestion from older friends, one has an excellent opportunity to learn about solving problems in a sophisticated way. He will find out how to refuse unreasonable demands from others without offending them such as refusing to help a friend cheat on a test, or keep one from lying to his parents." However, you offer no reason why older friends would be more likely to advise a person to avoid either cheating or lying. Older friends might even be more likely to give bad advice on such subjects, depending upon what age groups you have in mind. A ten-year-old is likely to advise against cheating, because that is what his parents have taught him. A fifteen-year-old, going through teenage rebellion, might easily advise in favor of cheating, for much the same reason, namely that his parents have taught him that it is wrong. So, this point is weak, because you provide no real reason to believe that your assertion is true. To improve, you would either have to provide such reasons, or come up with a more defensible point.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP - practice essay "Impossible Goals" [9]

Another tip for improvement: try to use stronger verbs. Your style is so good that the sections that are heavy with weak verbs don't stand out the way they would in less polished writing, but you could still make your work even stronger if you cut down on the use of forms of "to be" in some sections of your writing: "One goal I set for myself in the past that seemed impossible was memorizing the facts for my Business Law CLEP. This I thought was truly impossible! But as my score proved, it was not. Another goal of mine that seemed impossible, but was not, was my goal to build a large shed."

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - PR: from-books knowledge and experiential knowledge [6]


This is quite correct, as far as it goes. "In conclusion" is a lazy way of introducing the end of your essay, and should be unnecessary. I don't know if it is such a bad thing for a TOEFL essay, though. It has the advantage of being part of a general formula for quickly writing a particular type of essay, which is important in a timed essay, and is not the sort of error that TOEFL judges will dock marks for.

Writing Feedback / Aboriginal Rights in the Twentieth Century-My term essay for History [7]

"The charter identified the natives as a specific ethnic group in Canada, and it finally gave them many of the rights they had been denied throughout before the twentieth century . Despite this, many natives started to divert from their origin, and still demanded that they be able to keep their special status, as stated in the charter." You really need to discuss this in more detail at the beginning of your essay. You need to explain the background of why aboriginals were given special status, the hardships they have suffered historically, and the reasons why you believe these hardships don't justify that status (which seems to be your position). Kudos on arguing the less politically correct side of the issue, btw. But bear in mind that, when taking the less popular position in an essay, you have a special duty to respond to the arguments of the opposing side, and to explain clearly why those arguments are wrong, before outlining your own case.

Undergraduate / 'in love with the stage' - Common App--Elaborate an Activity [13]

You're on the right track. You might want to offer some specifics about the drama in question. What play was it? How old were you when the project took place? Also, maybe go a bit more in-depth about what you learned from the experience.

"when an actor was not satisfied with a partner's acting,"

"and when some people were not concentrating on their work"

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

Did the instructions specific 320 words, or 320 characters? If they really do mean the latter, you are over by 1400 characters or so! in that case, you will have to condense each paragraph into a single sentence that captures your main point. If you have 320 words to play with, then you can just cut your first paragraph, which deals with none of the three points, and start in directly with your much more relevant second paragraph.

What's the point of your second post? Is it meant as a continuation of the first essay, or is it a separate work? If it is just material you would like to include in the essay, you probably won't have room unless you cut something else, so you will have to decide, based on the criteria on which the scholarship will be awarded, which details are most relevant.

Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

Well, do you actually believe your thesis? If you have more points to make arguing that animals don't have much to teach us about our own nature, then perhaps you should make that your thesis. In addition to the points you have already listed, you could argue that what makes humans interesting is precisely the reasons that we are different from other animals. If you really want to argue that animals do have a lot to teach us, though, you could focus on the idea that humans evolved from lesser animals, so studying those animals may help us to understand the origins of our own characteristics.