Undergraduate / NYU. A reality come true or just a dream school?- Help on my NYU supplement [5]

Harrison, the best way to approach this essay will be to engage the admissions officer in a discussion about how the course syllabus you have chosen for yourself will help you achieve your goals and ambitions in relation to your major. After establishing those facts, you can discuss how you have some unique plans to help enhance the NYU student community. Don't approach them with the standard answer relating to their already existing campus activities and clubs. Explain how you plan to develop your own student organizations and why you feel that it will help enhance the community. This is the time to think outside the box and establish yourself as a unique student. Take advantage of the prompt and discuss as best as you can. We can reduce the word count as soon as we are done with the draft versions :-)

Undergraduate / No one had taught me how to reach out to others when in need of help - MSU Application Essay [8]

Muhammad, don't use any quotes from Batman, specially if you do not specifically refer to that quote in the essay. Yes, plagiarism also affects some essay applications so quotes should be properly referenced just the same. I believe that your essay is a little bit confused. It offers too many avenues of responses with little to no development of each idea. Find the idea that resonates best with you, for example, learning to reach out when you need help, and then develop that to its fullest potential. Speak of how you plan to have an open personality and interact with the campus community in such a way that you will be able to entice new students to feel welcome and free to approach you for help if they need be. You can even dangle the idea of perhaps starting a club that will be all about helping new, not just freshmen students, to acclimatize themselves to the campus and university life. Show the admissions officer that you are a mover, a game changer, and a person who knows exactly what he wants to do in college in terms of affecting the lives of his student peers.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answers: So they can get to know me better. [7]

Martin, I believe that you should maximize the use of the word count in your response to every question. 50 words maximum per statement is more than enough to enliven your very dry responses. At the moment, your responses are dull and do not really offer an insight into the kind of person you are based upon your answers. The response should be more than just the book title and author name. You need to explain, very quickly, about why you chose this book and how it influenced you as a person.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

The shingles story is not developing well in my opinion. I also feel that it is not strong enough a prompt for you to be answering. If you don't mind, I would like to offer a few other selections from the prompt topic for you to choose from. These are the prompts which I believe would best help your cause, specially you were already once rejected by Yale. Try to see if you have a proper response from personal experience for any one of the following or all 3:

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

These are some of the best common app prompts that normally give the students an easier time in writing their essays. If you need help in choosing a topic, let me know and I will try to come up with a set of guidelines to help you choose one :-)

Undergraduate / "Allowing you to travel on your own is the last sliver of the cake of childhood"; Failed trip to NYC [3]

No. Absolutely not. Please do not use this essay as your coming of age story. A coming of age story must always end with a lesson learned and show the successful development of either logic, responsibility, or maturity on your part. This story did not accomplish that. The fact that you specifically mentioned that this trip ended in a failure will not help your application. Perhaps there is another story that you can use from your past which will successfully reflect one of the three traits that I previously mentioned. The story must end successfully by the learning of a lesson about becoming an adult. Shedding light on the fact that you have learned to take responsibility for your actions and that you have learned to take the proper actions in order to correct your mistakes or prevent the situation from getting worse Nothing of that sort is reflected in this current essay. You need to revise the essay by considering other story options.

Scholarship / Why and what motivates you to volunteer for Bina Antarbudaya? > volunteer exchange scholarship [3]

Your motivation and reasons for joining this volunteer activity is very shallow. You need to show a personal connection or cause as the main influence for your passion. If your passion only comes from the stories told by your friend, which in turn influenced you to join, then you are not really giving a very convincing argument on your part. What you have to do is convince the reader that your past volunteer experience will have a direct relation to your desire to volunteer for this program. That way you will portray the image of a person who will be able to enhance both sides of the lobby with your presence. You can take what you learned from your previous volunteer experience to help enhance your new one and take your new experience to help enhance your old one. The scholarship motivation should be all about being able to give back to the needy communities in the best way that you know how. You still have room to portray these objectives in your essay. I suggest that you do your best to do so.

Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Cheung, the essay is alright in the sense of being a response to the prompt. The problem that I see is that you should have expanded more about what you learned about the holiday and how it affected you as a person. Aside from the lesson that you learned over all, what were the little lessons here and there that you picked up leading you to understand that it is important to respect diversity in each country that you visit? How have you applied what you learned to your current life? Do you think that the foundation you created for yourself regarding diversity will be something that will continue to grow for you from this point on? Do you view this as a single life lesson or merely the start of a lifelong learning experience?

Letters / INVITATION - we have arranged a meeting - a google hang out. [9]

Helia, I am not sure as to how to edit this invitation for you. Kindly supply the directions for this letter. I need to know:

1. Who is the letter addressed to?
2. What is the purpose of the letter?
3. How is Google Hang Out supposed to help your purpose?
4. What are the advantages of attending the Hang Out meeting?
5. Will there be problems for anyone who does not attend?
6. Who is the signatory on the letter?

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular activity of being a listener and petition writer - inspirational life experience [9]

This essay will be vastly improved as an extra curricular activity narrative if you spoke more of how you completed your tasks in the organization and how you personally touched the lives of these people. While the story about the prime minister helping the woman is interesting, it did not tell me anything about you and what ways you manage to help the people who come to the session for aid. If you want to use a story similar to that of the prime minister and the woman effectively, it has to involve you on a personal level and narrate the results of your actions as well. Right now, the essay loses focus at the story telling part and needs to be brought back on track.

Undergraduate / Humility leads people to fulfillment in the most authentic way possible - Transition into Adulthood [7]

Philipe, I happen to know someone who had a Bar mitzvah and I believe that aside from this actual ceremony itself, there is another activity that you could have discussed in relation to your coming of age in the Jewish tradition. The rabbi in this case asked the boy to consider his wealth in life and how lucky he has been. As a boy coming of Jewish age, the rabbi explained to him that there was more he could do now than he used to for any cause that he felt near and dear to his heart. In this case, the boy officially marked his Bar Mitzvah with, aside from the ceremony, a visit to the local animal shelter where he officially volunteered his free time from then on and also made a hefty donation of animal related items and food supplies which he got from his birthday guests in place of his official gifts. He chose animal rights as his cause in life and has made it part of his life from that moment on. That was how he chose to show his sense of adulthood and sense of responsibility for himself and for those who cannot defend themselves. His is a coming of age story that shows the way a cultural tradition for him, amounted to a transition into adulthood for himself. Do you have a story similar to that? It does not have to be Bar Mitzvah related. That was only an example. It just has to be a story that shows you taking responsibility for actions and deciding to somehow make a small but marked difference in the world we live in. Perhaps your volunteering for KSpace would fall under such a category?

Undergraduate / The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile [8]

Brooke, let's go over the word count for now. I would like to develop a certain idea in the essay that will help explain your sincere gesture and I would like you to use another word other than "obligated" when speaking of helping the patients feel joy and positive emotions. The word just makes it feel like you don't really want to do the job but you finally feel good doing it anyway once you get started. Let's work on the sincere gesture part and explain why you felt compelled to donate your time and attention to these patients. Do this at the start of the essay. The idea, is to strengthen the connection between your gestures and why you are successfully able to accomplish your tasks with them. Work on it. Forget the word length. I'll help you take it down to the level that you need once I sense that it best responds to the essay prompt already. I hope that is alright with you. Sorry about taking so long to get back to you by the way, I had to attend to some family holiday matters :-)

Undergraduate / Whenever someone asks me why I want to pursue medicine, I always reply that it's part of who I am [5]

This is a definite improvement Danah. You have managed to show us the contrasting worlds that you come from while explaining how each world has contributed to your development as a personal on a well rounded basis. It would seem to the reader that the mix of Middle Eastern and American upbringing somehow managed to create a unique personality within you that can manage to exist under stifling or democratic circumstances. Go ahead and continue to develop this essay. You are off to a very good start :-)

Undergraduate / During my junior year in high school, I volunteered at an orphanage to teach English to the children [3]

Adonay, it is unfortunate that the final act that you chose to take in this particularly compelling and quite controversial case was silence and acceptance. That is not the kind of attitude that is received well by the admissions officer. You chose to be subservient and submit to what you know was a wrong act on the part of the social workers rather than standing up to them, challenging their authority, and doing something to make sure that the donations reach the children in the proper manner each and every time a donation is made.

I strongly advice that you do not use this essay for prompt. It will definitely weaken you application. You need to show a strong personality in this essay. One that stands up to authority when authority is wrong, fights for what he or she knows to be right, and offers a successful solution to the situation you found yourself in. Sadly, this essay does nothing of the sort for you. It presents a weak personality that may not be able to stand up to the rigors and politics of university life. Change the essay to a thought , idea, or concept that you successfully challenged instead. Even something as simple as your curfew at home would be a good topic for this prompt. Just don't use this topic. It is not good for your application.

Undergraduate / An idea that has been important to my intellectual development - multidisciplinary nature of subject [6]

This is certainly a tremendously well developed answer when your word count is taken into consideration. Please, feel free to use this version of your response. It is quite informative and presents your response to the prompt in a manner that shows how your intellectual vitality has been affected by your exposure to economic principles, has helped you developed a sense of analytical problem solving, and will continue to develop in the intellectual vitality driven university you have chosen to attend.You are just 4 words over the limit at the moment so I need to help you delete those 4 unimportant words. Try this 249 word version:

In 2012, I took the "Introduction to Finance" course by University of Michigan's finance professor Mr. Gautman Kaul on Coursera. I then became intrigued by ideas related tothe time value of money.

$100 now or $110 in a month's time? Why are some people able to delay gratification of monetary benefits while others not? What explains the phenomenon of the poor being less able to reap the benefits of compounding through saving? Is it because after spending their meagre amount of income on necessities, they do not see a point in saving the paltry sum left, and simply spend the rest? Or is it because of their weak discipline to save that causes their low income in the first place?

My curiosity brought me into the realm of decision economics, behavioral economics and social psychology. I read Dan Ariely's books about irrational behavior. I was exposed to a framework of decision-making in economics, Game Theory, and watched lectures by Professor Ben Polak. I took a course on Social Psychology by Wesleyan University's Professor Scott Plous and it introduced me to the interesting factors at play in the dynamics of human behaviors.

I unknowingly found myself delving into different disciplines just because of my initial curiosity. I have learnt a principle that is important to my intellectual development: never view a problem in isolation because more often than not, to truly have a firm understanding and grasp of a subject, one has to draw on knowledge from other academic areas.

Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

Sorry I took so long to get back to you. Holiday preparations are underway where I am and it really gets in the way of helping others. I hope I am not too late to help. I suggest that you write a new introduction for your essay that will best reflect the change in the prompt requirements. That way you will be able to immediately draw the attention of the admissions officer to the topic of the essay. Also, you need to double check the message that the prompt is asking you provide and review your essay for adherence to that message. Edit any portions that you feel to not fit in with the requirements of the new prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

This essay could probably work, with a little more revision, as a background story more than an adulthood story. You could even use this as a central identity essay if you are willing to make some adjustments to the content. It just doesn't feel like a transition to adulthood story at this point. It would be in your best interest to try to find another life event that better relates to this particular prompt and save this one for one of the other aforementioned essays.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

It is pretty much ready at this point. In my opinion, you can already submit this essay for consideration. Then again, my idea of a finished essay may be different from yours. So review the essay very well. Make sure you are comfortable with it and then decide if you want to change or anything else. At this point, you are the one who has to make the decision as the readiness of the essay. I'll go with whatever you decide :-)

Undergraduate / Applying to Duke was an easy choice [5]

Madeline, don't concentrate your response on the extra curricular aspect of the Duke experience. What you want to discuss here is the well rounded Duke academic and social community. Try to mention something about the academic aspect of Duke. The course curriculum, the training, internships, and similar learning opportunities that you look forward to attending. Then say something about how you grew up going to the university with your cousin and that experience.Go over the word count for now. Call this your first draft of the statement response. After you write it, we can work on fitting everything you want to say in 150 words :-)

Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

Jesus, I cannot really judge the worthiness of the prompt response you have in mind unless I have something solid to read. Here is what you can do, write the essay as you envision it now. Don't worry about any word count. Just write it. That way I can tell if you have come close to or totally answered the required prompt. We can run editing and revision work on that version as it become necessary to do so. Remember to post it in this thread because it is still a related topic. We can get to work to it as soon as you post it.

Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

There was really nothing transitory about your story. I did not gather a sense of your coming of age in the story because you even ended the essay by saying that you spent your last night in Vietnam playing with your brother. Solid evidence that no transition activities were undertaken during this time. Thus, your essay fails to properly respond to the prompt. This type of essay requires a cultural or social connection to your development as a person. You should look into an activity that offered you a chance to prove any of the following:

1. Matured way of thinking
2. Adult type responsibilities
3. Recognition of adult rights in terms of your cultural structure.

These are but a few suggestions for the more accepted topics covering this essay prompt. I suggest that you do not use this story because it does not really prove any adulthood on your part. A realization of how lucky you are in life, without an follow up action such as volunteer activities, helping the poor, and other related acts while you were in Vietnam may help to show a sense of adulthood was reached during this trip. Right now, the essay just does not reflect that coming of age the way that it should.

Undergraduate / The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile [8]

Excellent work Brooke. I can really sense your connection with your patients and the joy that you get from your volunteer work as you describe it in your essay. It sees you have gone over the count. How many words does it have to be? If you can tell me the numbers, I can try to help you cut down the content of the paper without affecting its overall strength and message. I'll be waiting to hear from you :-)

Graduate / Throughout my life, I've been reminded recurrently how creative and inventive I am - Graphic Design [3]

The essay works well as a statement of purpose in the sense that it answers 3 of the 4 main questions. So far you have given us your purpose, goals, experience related training in the field of Graphic Design. What I feel your essay is currently lacking, is the ability to portray the way that the university can help you achieve these goals. You speak in general terms of these. You need to be specific by mentioning any masters programs / training avenues/internship programs that the university offers in this field which you plan to take advantage of and why. Describe the study path the university offers you which translates to the best possible masters degree course syllabus for you at the moment.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Ivanka, I tried to clean up your essay for you with some editing work. I brought it down to 583. If you like what I did, then feel free to use it :-) I removed the redundancies and combined some thoughts into single paragraphs. Merging some of them whenever possible to bring down the word count.

I spent a year studying in England where the educational system is far different from that of Mexico, my homeland. As such, I was influenced by the European mode of thinking and lifestyle. Hence my interest in fashion and my belief that an artistic environment is only complete if it manages to inspire people to achieve more than they think they can in life through the canvass they have chosen for their art. For me, that canvass is Fashion and Advertising. Why? Fashion and advertising have slowly evolved into a method by which people make a statement about their personality, their causes, and their lifestyle. It is the perfect non-technological method to inspire others through affordable means. It is my aim to inspire people to make statements through my chosen canvass utilizing any learning opportunities that FIT has to offer me.

I want to open doors that will lead me to greater opportunities. Having been inspired by the core values of FIT as the most cutting edge school of Fashion in New York, I realized that my aspirations in life can only be met by allowing myself to be molded by the mentors at this university. By making this decision, I know I'm not only choosing a school that will prepare me for these opportunities but also choosing the heart of the city where dreams are made of as my home for the next 4 years. I am choosing to learn in an creative, fashion environment from where I will be enriching myself, in order to one day, project that vibe on my work and be able to inspire others, just like so many ex alumni from FIT have done.

I have always been astonished for how fashion brands connect with people through their marketing and advertising campaigns, without words they are able to create an image on the person viewing the print ad, billboard, or television ad. This interest enticed me into the world of video editing, photography and photo manipulation, skills that I learnt all by myself.

During my year in England I won the school's photography contest that was based on the quote "hear my voice" I enjoyed working on this because I had to generate ideas that could match this saying but also wanted to leave a thought at the back of the mind of the people who saw them, I focused on social problems in our generation, such as bullying, racism, depression and how these problems often go unlistened. This specific moment made me feel more intrigued about communications and started focusing and researching on such as a career. It offered me platform to discuss my cause and gained the attention of others in the process. Causing my message to spread further than I thought possible through art discussions and the like.

This is what I want, to inspire people through my commercials, my photography or my art. To make people feel something, to make them want to be part of that atmosphere or lifestyle. I want to focus and create artwork that will be touching enough for people to feel inspired to help others. I want to make this world we live in feel something.

I know what I want and what I am capable of. I know that the path I will walk won't be easy but every step will be as enriching and broadening as the accomplishment of reaching the finish line. For me, getting accepted to FIT would be the start of this road.

Undergraduate / An idea that has been important to my intellectual development - multidisciplinary nature of subject [6]

You actually said something in your response to me that I felt resonated very well with the essay prompt. Is there any way that you can reword the following?


This offers a sense of clarity that was missing in the essay and offers an insight into how you view intellectual vitality and the reason behind your intellectual development. I would love to read your essay once you have done this :-)

Undergraduate / The Power of Powerlessness application essay [4]

Alina, I am not a medical professional so I cannot advice you on those medical terms. If you used medical dictionaries and other research to write this essay then I advice you to change your line of story telling. Should this be read by someone who has actual medical experience and know-how, you may be scrutinized harder than you think. One mistake in the use of terminology and your paper will no longer be helping your application. It can become a major liability instead. Also, since I do not believe your essay actually answers the prompt, I cannot help you further. You are telling a story instead of responding directly to the essay which is what the essay is asking you to do. Please note that the instruction clearly states:


You are not responding to the issue, you are telling a story. This is supposed to be an opinion essay. Not a creative story writing essay. Since you are not adhering to the essay prompt, I do not see how I can help you out. If you decide to work within the correct parameters of the essay let me know so I can help you out. If you insist upon telling a story when you are supposed to be writing a point of view essay, I am sorry, this will be the last piece of advice you will receive from me about this essay in particular.

Undergraduate / Whenever someone asks me why I want to pursue medicine, I always reply that it's part of who I am [5]

Danah, this is not complete crap. You can actually work with this essay with the proper guidance in regards to editing and development. Let me offer you some suggestions:


- This is a totally irrelevant statement to the prompt so you can really skip this. Your response to the essay actually starts with the next paragraph.


- The reason I highlighted the whole text is because this is actually an excellent response to the prompt. Showing the pros and cons of your family unit is something that is not normally done in response to this type of prompt so it has a unique feel to it. I suggest that you develop the idea more to be more specific to your family values. Talk about the values of your parents and siblings. Not family in general. Speak of the family unit you come from. Where does the support come from? When is it withheld and why? Do they support your dreams and ambitions or not? How has this treatment helped you become the person you are today? I don't want you to think about your word limit at this point. Fully develop the essay so that we have wiggle room to edit and bring down the word count without affecting what your message in the essay is. I'll assist you in doing that.

Undergraduate / "Peter Pan" - Piece of literature that has inspired you - UVA Supplemental Essay [4]

Madison, I have a different take on your essay. I too believe that this is wonderfully written essay that only needs a paragraph rearrangement in order to be more effective in answering the prompt. Let me run my chronological paragraph order for you below and you can decide if you want to use it or not :-)

Start off the same way with the following paragraph:
Growing up is rough. We find out all of the fantasy characters of our childhood have actually been our parents all along. Our princess castles are replaced with desks and math workbooks. Our wishes to go to Disney World are replaced with wishes to an acceptance to our top choice university. As we grow, we often lose the creativity and ambition we once had as children.

Follow it up with:
Peter Pan preaches the importance of growing up, but at the same time not losing sight of the dreams you once had. No matter what dream you wish to accomplish, with a little faith, truth and pixie dust, you can succeed. Moreover, as long as you work hard and are determined, your dreams will become your reality. Throughout my years in high school, I have dedicated myself to my studies and advancing my future, without losing sight of what is important. I believe in order to live a full life you must have dedication and determination, but your heart must be full of happiness and youthful playfulness.

Then close with:
The Darling children were swept away to a magical land where growing up was not a problem, because it did not happen. While in Never Land, the Darling children learned independence, leadership and maturity- essentially inadvertently growing up. When the children returned home, Wendy decided she must grow up, but always kept the sense of adventure and imagination she experienced in Never Land in her heart.

As a final statement, you can talk about how this mindset has been with you all this time and has helped you get through the tougher obstacles you encountered in life, from growing up, to becoming responsible as an adult. Peter Pan, the child who never grew up, was actually a grown up all along who children could emulate.

You can use my rearranged version with the suggested edit of you want to.

Undergraduate / What experiences have motivated you to study in the Rice/Baylor Medical Scholars Program? [3]

Your essay is well thought out and written. However, there is a disconnection between the paragraphs. The essence of the essay would have been better received and made clearer if you had somehow made a relation or connection between your childhood experience and your growing interest in medical science over the years. Doing so would have shown a clear career interest, development, and pathway for your future. With regards to your statement about Baylor and Rice University, you already know that they are on the cutting edge of the medical field, so a statement or so about how and why you were motivated to study at the university, particularly in the realm of possible research that you can start during your time a student there and how you will utilize the school facilities, professors, mentor programs, internships, etc, would be definitely plus points for your application as it can show how you will become a definite asset to the student community and the university prestige in particular.

Undergraduate / An idea that has been important to my intellectual development - multidisciplinary nature of subject [6]

While you have presented interesting questions in your essay about the relationship between time and money, I was left wondering as to whether you found the answers you were looking for in the books you read and courses that you I took. It is not enough to mention the books you read and courses you attended. You should show evidence of intellectual development on your part by telling us if you found the answers you sought through this process. This will support your claim towards intellectual vitality. You should skip the reference to the next course you are slated to take. Work on developing the proof of your intellectual vitality instead. That is all the essay requires.

Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

Jesus, you need to pick one of the most memorable, life altering, and lesson learning events in your life in response to this prompt. The idea behind the prompt is to discuss something that has happened in your past that helped to develop your identity as a person. A character or trait that you know you did not have before but, due to circumstances, you had to develop in order to solve a particular situation. That solution that you came up with became a part of your personality and now helps you govern your daily life. That is the kind of answer that best suits this prompt. You can review other essays at this forum in response to the same prompt just to give you a better idea of how to answer this paper. Remember, it has to be only one event, not multiple events in relation to the development of your identity. For example, Can you be both Latin American and American while living in the United States? If you say yes, then how did you do that? Does that make you a unique individual? If you feel it does, then the events leading up to the development of this identity is what becomes the central basis of your story and your central identity.

Undergraduate / Carleton is powered my wind turbines. What empowers you? supplement essay [4]

Anindita, you have written a very heart warming response to the prompt. Are you only supposed to write a statement response instead of an essay? If you are, then you have done a very good job with your response. It is totally on the mark as far as the prompt requirements are concerned. I would not want to change any of the portions for fear that it might change the overall message of the essay. Excellent work. By the way, are you within the word count or do you have some wiggle room? You many want to use all of the word count to your benefit if you have words to spare :-)

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Take a moment to breath Ivanka. Don't get caught up in the stress of the application frenzy. Losing your head will make the paper worse. Don't worry, it is getting there. What you wrote, in my opinion, is a very good reference to inspiration at the end of the paper. It shows that ambitious side of you that already has plans as to how to get the future that you feel you deserve. But you need to expand upon how you see this particular degree will help you to inspire people somewhere in the beginning or middle of the essay as well. Do you think you can write a paragraph or so about that? It feels like that statement is needed to tie the whole paper together. Once you have written the paragraph, post the entire revised essay here so that we can review it as a whole new paper. I will be looking for a seamless transition between paragraphs and the relevancy of what you wrote to the prompt. Kindly post the prompt again with the new version so that we will be sure to review it properly. Thanks.

Undergraduate / The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile [8]

Hi Brooke, this is a very good draft. Do you have a word count to worry about with this statement? You really packed everything into a very concentrated statement that packs a wallop of a sentiment and yet leaves room for more explanation. Are you planning on expanding this essay further? I wish you would consider it if you are not at the moment. You can still build up the emotional connection between, the patients and the overall activities tha tyou participate in. I look forward to reading your next draft and assisting you with it if necessary :-)

Undergraduate / The Power of Powerlessness application essay [4]

Alina, this is a very interesting piece of creative writing which unfortunately, does not fall within the parameters of the essay. You are supposed to discuss, not relate an event that depicts power through powerlessness. While medical doctors indeed have the power of life and death. They are given that power by the people and the procedures that they perform to save lives. If a doctor goes rogue, there is a legal process with which to make them answer. That is not the point of this essay. Even the very end, where you have that quote does not make sense. Was death the one talking?

For this type of essay, you should look at politics for an example. Remember how politicians are often being arrested or accused of corruption or power brokering to help people get what they want? Imagine if you will, the kind of power that a politician has when he does this. He asks the less powerful people to make it worth his while to help them by asking them for financial favors. Asking the powerless one to pay in order to get what he wants. Thus, he, the politician, politics, corrupts the powerless.

Then we have the case of the powerless, the poor people, who ambition to get ahead in life. Some of them are lucky enough to get into politics where they begin to unintentionally at first, dabble in corruption because of the power that they have been given. Not really understanding how to use the power of a political office, political clout, or influence is the reason why corruption occurs. There is an abuse of power in such instances all because the person now has the power to make anything that he wants to happen.

So in hindsight, it would seem that being both powerful and powerless can corrupt a person. When one has power, he abuses it because he has the ability to do it. When one does not have it, he pays to borrow the power of someone else in order to get what he wants. In either case, both instances show that corruption is cause by both power and powerlessness.

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore - commitment for diversity of opinions [4]

This is a very good version of the paper. I see that you took my advice and lessened the wordiness of the essay. Did you notice how the impact of the paper changed after the edit? It is really more responsive to the prompt at this point. I am not sure if you want to add any information to it (not too wordy) that can help you further enhance this essay. If you choose not to, you can confidently use this version of the essay already. If you want to work on the essay a little more, just post the latest version of the essay that you wrote and I will try to review it as soon as possible :-)

Undergraduate / Collaborative Residential Community - how it inspires and draws me to Bates [5]

If you remove the statement at the end saying you look forward to attending Bates, the essay will be much better than the first one that you wrote. This essay now reflects a clearer picture of why you are applying to Bates and how you can collaborate with the student community to improve relationships and create a more diverse student town in the university. Some grammar problems in the essay need to be addressed at this point. I will proof read the material for you and correct the errors. Just replace what I suggest you replace and the essay will be ready for you to use after you apply the changes.


- ... I have concerns about adapting to a new... Having an experienced... as I will have a reliable mentor... during my early days as a Bates...


-... worldview during my four years...

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore - commitment for diversity of opinions [4]

- Huh? You lost me here and I am just a reviewer. Being over verbose is a definite drawback in any essay and you just made that mistake in this paragraph. Don't try to impress the admissions officer by wasting his time reading your thesaurus display of words. The essay actually works quite well without this. The paragraphs that followed had the personal connection to the university ideals that creates an interesting read and impacts the reader in a positive manner. That is all you have to do and you accomplished that. So delete this paragraph. It does not help your essay at all. Just revise your essay to become 2 paragraphs instead of 3.

Undergraduate / Briefly describe a non-academic pursuit that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important [6]

Vanika. you actually have an interesting non-academic pursuit. The problem, is that most of the essay dealt with the person you were helping instead of what you were doing in the activity. I would suggest that you revise the essay and redirect it instead to concentrate on your participation in changing the life of this kid. You really dealt with the topic in such a lighthearted manner that it seems like you are almost disinterested in it. You need to show that this activity was a two way street. He learned from you and you learned from him. The part about what you learned from him will answer the "why is it important" part. Call it an eye opener. Say something about how you never thought that you would be able to change a life by simply tutoring a person and unconsciously helping him. Then say something about how this is a character trait of yours. That you spend most of your life helping people without your knowledge and that you feel extremely satisfied with the results of your indirect assistance. That should help make this essay work better.

Writing Feedback / 'wrongly convicted, jailed or fined' - Capital Punishment research paper topic. [2]

Cristian, we aren't an essay writing service. Posting the prompt for your essay here will not get the essay written for you. Write your essay so that we can offer a review and advice you about how to improve it. You already have the professors instructions, you just needed to complete the legwork (research, essay writing) so that you can post the essay here. We can then jump in and help you perfect it before submission on your part.

Graduate / The Multilingual Speech-Language Pathologist [3]

Gabriela, I am a bit confused by your essay. Is this for a college degree application or a matters statement of purpose? The information and discussion you provided sounds more like it is for a college essay app rather than graduate studies. Please clarify what you are applying for and provide the full and accurate essay prompt so that a logical review of your essay can be performed and submitted to you :-)