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Posts by choco2503
Name: Jaanvi Shah
Joined: Jan 11, 2018
Last Post: Jan 15, 2018
Threads: 3
Posts: 3  
From: Japan
School: ISSH

Displayed posts: 6
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choco2503   
Jan 11, 2018
Grammar, Usage / Great places to be. My choice [3]

..., the first choice that comes to my mind will be is New York. .., various culture and a lot offascinating unusual buildings. ComeVisiting in New York is ... and modern life in one of ... I hope to expand mine[/R] knowledge and learn from [R]the essence of ... MoreoverThus, I desire to ... Hopefully, I will be able to fulfill my dream of visiting New York

Hi! I like how you have structured your paragraph, but you need to be a tiny bit more careful about verb tense, and grammar in general. Otherwise, I think you did a pretty good job! And yes, I agree with Holt as well, I think you talk a little bit more about why you look forward to New York City. You talk about how you like its culture, so maybe you could add on to that as well.
choco2503   
Jan 14, 2018
Undergraduate / UK Personal Statement - Business Management; a degree from Britain will assist me in future career [2]

Business caught my attention



"If you are born poor it's not your mistake, but if you die poor it's your mistake" -- Bill Gates

My father faced hardships during his childhood because of the loss of my grandfather, his father. He had to worked tremendously hard and joined a business company at the age of 16 to support him and his family even though he didn't receive a salary at that point of time. He had to go through many downfalls until he became successful. A a child, I remember passionately examining the way my father would run his business. His journey from nothing to a successful entrepreneur is what I am adamant on emulating. Although, I do not intend on starting my own business, my passion is to pursue my career in business management and be more successful my father.

Business is the only subject that caught my attention as it got me thinking about its pertinence outside school. Through the exposition to the world of business at an early age, I have learnt through my dad that business does not utterly mean money. It's more than that. It's all about trust, failure, success, management, challenge, and risk. As a world that is runned by business, business managers are really vital for this industry. Imagine the business managers to be the pilot for an airplane. Without the pilot, the airplane would not be able to drive by itself. Likewise, a manager is the pilot for the business industry.

The significance of business manager is crucial for successful companies as managers as their actions can influence the organisation that runs in the business. A business manager's' role is to lead a team of employees and guide their work efforts towards efficient and profitable business solutions. The significance of business management is crucial for business successes.

Due to my desire to study Business Management, I opted to study subjects such as AP Macroeconomics, AP Statistics, and Pre-AP Physics through which I obtained an excellent base in the core principles. The knowledge I obtained through all these subjects has guaranteed that I am prepared to study the intricate aspect of business.

Alongside my academic interest, I also obtain a valuable work experience at NewDays, a convenient store. As an employer, my job is to arrange products on the racks, look after the customer's needs when at the register, and clean to make the customers feel comfortable. From my work experience I have learnt the importance of organisation and communication because NewDays emphasizes on the significance of communication, advertising, and organisation which is significant for Business management skills.

In addition to academics and work, I have taken part in numerous extracurricular activities as well. I have been a huge part of Debate. Debate has not only helped me become a better writer and public speaker but has also bolstered my confidence. I have been able to improve my communication skills that are necessary to provide effective management through debate. Simply put, I love debate. I cherish every moment because of my team's passion towards deploying rational and reasonable arguments. Whether we lose or win, debate is an empowering part of my life, and I would not be the person I am today without it. Last year, I also undertook a role as an English assistant, of helping Japanese students enhance their English skills. This opportunity helped with my organisation skills as well.

I have also participated in musical activities within school such as orchestra, and am currently playing percussion in the school orchestra. Taking part in orchestra has taught me to work as a team, and the importance of discipline. Last year I played the piano in the Instrumental Solo and Ensemble Festival, a festival where students could be critiqued on how well they performed, and received a score of five out of five. This experience boosted my confidence to perform in the public.

It has been my dream to complete my undergraduate degree in a British university because a degree from Britain will assist me in future career. I look forward to meeting different people with different cultures, and hope to continue these activities alongside my degree. I believe that I have the skills to not only study Business management, but also to be successful in this subject.
choco2503   
Jan 14, 2018
Undergraduate / Explains why you chose your program of study-What interests you the most about this major?-UIC essay [3]

Business Administrators - a vital cog in the system



Living a privileged life, I have constantly been reminded of the importance of it because of the hardships my father went through during his childhood. The loss of my grandfather, his father, brought his family to poverty. Thus, he joined a business company at the age of sixteen to support his family. His dedication and passion towards business has inspired me to become independent and pursue a career in business administration. Business is the only subject that caught my attention as it got me thinking about its pertinence outside school. Through the exposition to the world of business at an early age, I have learnt through my dad that business does not utterly mean money. It's more than that. It's all about trust, failure, success, management, challenge, and risk. As a world that is runned by business, business administrators are really vital for this industry. Imagine the business managers to be the pilot for an airplane. Without the pilot, the airplane would not be able to drive by itself. Likewise, a business administrator is the pilot for the business industry. The significance of a business administration is crucial for successful companies as managers as their actions can influence the organisation that runs in the business. A business manager can have a difficult career part as his or her role is to lead a team of employees and guide their work efforts towards efficient and profitable business solutions. In order to have succeed as a business administrator I have the ability to motivate and drive people to be efficient their work. I have excellent verbal skills that will help me communicate and convey my feedback towards my team. When I imagine myself being successful and independent, I see that through pursuing business administration. Hence, my passion is to become a businesswoman and be even more successful than my father.
choco2503   
Jan 15, 2018
Scholarship / NSTIR-2030 Innovation plan for Nigeria. Commonwealth Scholarship Application [3]

Hi! Just to make it easier for the reader next time can you please add a description of what you are supposed to write about? It makes life much easier! :)

In spite of this, it is common [...] engineering development. I think you should a little more description.[/R]

I think your essay, in general, is really concise. Good job! It has a nice flow towards it. The only thing I would say is to have a stronger conclusion. I think your conclusion is very vague so try to add more to it. Good Luck!
choco2503   
Jan 15, 2018
Grammar, Usage / My obligation to work hard [5]

... . I will face that in my choices of choose between degree or subject and of ...

I think it's better to split the sentences into two sentences. I am a little confused about what you mean by the second part of the sentence so if my corrections change the meaning of your sentences, I apologize for that. Good luck!
choco2503   
Jan 15, 2018
Undergraduate / UBC Personal Statement - What I have learnt about myself as a leader and a team member ............ [2]

Describe what you have learnt about yourself as a leader and team member through your past experiences. Provide specific examples. What skills did you further develop or address in the near future and how?

my team's passion



Through my past experiences, I have developed skills as a team member in and outside of school. In my academic life, I have always tried to contribute to different team projects which has helped me obtain management and organization skills. I have learned to become a versatile and a conversant team member through these projects. A major activity that has helped me obtain these skills is Debate. I cherish every moment because of my team's passion towards deploying rational and reasonable arguments. Whether we lose or win, debate is an empowering part of my life, because of the team's hard work that is put in. It has taught me to value proper communication and make an optimistic contribution the efforts made by the team members. In addition, I have also participated in musical activities within school such as orchestra. Taking part in orchestra has taught me to work as a team and the importance of discipline. I have learned the importance of how each individual member plays an important role and it's all those individual members that makes up a team.

Please help me improve this grammatically and help me with a better choice of words. I would like this to flow more smoothly ansd make it more concise.
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