Posts by emilakam

emilakam

Jul 29, 2018

Writing Feedback / The line graph represents the measure of elder people aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan [3]

proportion of population aged 65 and over

The given line graph represents the measure of elder people aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040.

Overall, all three countries are expected to show increasing trend. Elderly people in Japan are expected to increase rapidly at the end of the period.

In 1940, the elderly people were lowest in Japan at 5% while Sweden and US had about 6% and 10% of population aged 65 and over respectively.USA and Sweden showed similar increase for next two decades whereas Japan showed gradual decline and remain stagnant at about 3% for 5 decades. Sweden outraced USA in 1990 and continue to follow increase for next two decades. Meantime USA experienced a gradual decrease and Japan follows slight increase.

It is expected that in year 2030, number of older people will soar dramatically and Japan will reach highest ratio of 28%. Likewise, USA and Sweden showed slight increase reaching its peak at 22% and 25% respectively by the end of the period.

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emilakam

Aug 15, 2018

Writing Feedback / The rate of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged in physical exercises [5]

@Minh2903

in 6 (different) age groups

(in all age groups, except teenagers, women tended to exercise more than men ) because you have emphasized it clearly about which age group women lagged behind men in physical activities there is no need to write generally or if you want to write generally don't mention the exception

(As they got older, ...) Here, the sentence is more complicated and not direct as it may indicate you are trying to overwrite so you can keep it simple like:

... from 25 to 54, women showed more inclination towards participation in physical activities as compared to men as figures reach its peak at 53.3%

You can say In regards to the 15-24 age group instead of regarding because the former makes little more sense than latter. Otherwise, good work!!!:)

emilakam

Aug 15, 2018

Scholarship / KGSP-U - Study plan to Improve English and Korean speaking abilities required for University [3]

I re-wrote your essay so you check out your mistakes. I may be wrong about few just let me know.
... English speaking abilities. Since my birth, I've been speaking English each day, thus, have improved and enhanced my skills successfully. Learning different languages is my hobby and i'm very passionate about it. Korean is a beautiful language that I've been studying on my own for past 2 years. Learning a language like Korean is really amazing for me as every stage brings forth ...

Like other languages, it takes time ... learning effectively you can always improve. If given ...
After graduation, I have plans ...
I'm quite an eager beaver and I'm always intellectually curious when it comes to learning new things. I will always be learning something new, improving and perfecting what I already know.

emilakam

Aug 16, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: number of girls enrolled per 100 boys in different level of school education [3]

the number of girls per hundred boys studying

The given three bar graphs illustrate the number of girls per hundred boys studying in three main levels of school education. The graph compares the change in enrollment pattern in developed and developing countries in years 1990 and 1998.

Overall, developed countries focus more on girl education than developing countries, at all levels .Nevertheless, both developed and developing countries showed increase in regards, over the period of time.

The number of girls per hundred boys enrolled in primary education was 83 in 1990 for developing countries and in 1998, it increased only by 4.In comparison developed countries had 95 girls per hundred boys in 1990, and showed negligible change over 8 years. For secondary level, girls ratio declined for developing nations from 83 to 72 and 87 to 82 in year 1990 and 1998 respectively. For developed countries, both figures rose by 3.

Surprisingly, in tertiary level, gap widens between developed and developing countries as in former, for 100 boys only 66 girls were registered in 1990 and 75 in 1998. In contrast, developed nations superseded the target of 100 at 105 and 112 in both years.(187 words)

Kindly also suggest how to condense my report to 150 words.

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emilakam

Aug 17, 2018

Writing Feedback / UK graduates and postgraduates participating in four different kinds of jobs after finishing college [3]

@Minh2903

Paraphrase:

number of UK graduates and postgraduates in terms of ( work they did /4 different kinds of job taken ) after they completing their degree in the year 2008.

~~most~~ majority of ~~the~~ students chose to

In overview, don't write third of them were unemployed after graduation. I'm not sure if it correct. You can replace it with more eye catching feature like, the proportion of part time workers were higher among graduates than post graduates

Next, in paragraph 3, I would say use more vocabulary to express the amount of change. Also, paraphrase: In terms of UK graduates= As for UK graduates

Plus there is lot of repetition of word "at" to describe changes in numbers like at 1,625, at exactly 2,725, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively etc.To avoid repetition use synonyms.