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Posts by dancer2010
Joined: Sep 20, 2009
Last Post: Sep 20, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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dancer2010   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS! [14]

In the paragraph about Edna, make sure you mention that she scooped snow into her hands. It sounds like you were referring to flour instead.
dancer2010   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "the bustling cafe" - Common App- Significant Experience [2]

(I'm answering the Common App prompt about a significant experience.)

This is the 2nd paragraph from my essay about a dramatic, soul-searching experience that took place while I was trying to find an essay topic. I would like some help on how to re-phrase this. Thanks!

"After an hour drive up the turnpike, a cab ride to Union Square, and an escalator two flights up, I arrived in the bustling café. My Dad, sister, and I sat down with Chelsea, my essay writing tutor. Chelsea started by asking basic questions about where I want to go to school, my grades, all things that I was able to answer confidently. Then she started asking more detailed questions about my personality. I felt nervous and it was not easy for me, because she would always ask me "why" and other questions that I didn't really have an answer for. Then out of nowhere, she asked my family to leave. I was less at ease, but I was able to answer honestly without my family hearing my feelings and opinions."
dancer2010   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / ""You what? You lived in China!" - Common App Essay. is this good enough? [3]

In the sentence "This would often happen... everything started looking up.", you could take out the few words about the weeks before entering school.

Also, "At that school, I found myself... from all I walks of life." you could change "they" to "who".

The 1st sentence of your last paragraph could be split into two. "Many of the friends I made there are still my friends today. We made some great memories during those times."

Other than that, I think you have quite an interesting experience.
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