Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by MindfulIELTS
Name: Luong Trinh Hoang
Joined: Jul 27, 2020
Last Post: Jul 28, 2020
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
From: Viet Nam
School: HCMULAW

Displayed posts: 4
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MindfulIELTS   
Jul 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Classification of schooling subjects has always cast doubt on numerous educators [2]

Subjects such as Art, Sport and Music are being dropped from the school



Classification of shooling subjects has always cast doubt on numerous educators, whether it is appropriate and effective. Not only do I hold that schools should have helped children skillfully touching life in many aspects but also looking as it is without limited perception from educational standpoints.

Firstly, youngsters have alarmingly suffered since society created unbalanced job opportunities. As can be seen easily from many educational systems, mental and physical dimensions are underestimated, such as sport, art, and music. And hence people are creating countless lawyers, doctors, and architects instead of monks or farmers. Paradoxically, prestigious jobs, politician as an example, has a much lower income than a footballer.

On the other hand, children will not suffer from real-life experience; and vice versa, they may be miserable with any so-called subject such as Maths or Physics. Ironically, they might gather a vast amount of information in those subjects without knowing how to apply it to their real life. For example, a physicist probably does not know how to have a proper physical movement, or a techie may not understand how his biological computer as a mind functions at its best possibility instead of mastering virtual reality. Moreover, the most fulfilled individuals like sellers, healers, architects, artists, and leaders in the world mostly get real education from life experience. Therefore, the correlation between subjects and life dimensions plays a significant role in assisting children to experience a full-fledged life.

In my perspective, if there were an educational revolution, educators should have transformed all the divisive subjects without discrimination and started to unify them with life both from inside to outside the children's minds.
MindfulIELTS   
Jul 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Youngsters spend less of their free time with their family nowadays. What are the reasons? [5]

+ children get introduced to drugs --> I think "get introduced" should be "are exposed"
+Your essay is good but you probably need more linking words. you can add "for instance" after the 1st sentence in the 3rd paragraph.
+You can use Not only but also in the 3rd sentence. "It affects their health and causes trauma to family members." --> not only does it .... but it also lowers a sense of responsibility.

All in all, linking words will improve your coheresion.
MindfulIELTS   
Jul 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / More funds to science education rather than other disciplines for the country's development [3]

(goverNment check again your whole essay)

aspects of human's life with the invention of carS, light bulbS and the like. ... that aids the society's ...

Throughout the history, ... TAKE LITERATURE AS AN EXAMPLE, ... What's more NO RHETORIC QUESTION IN this type of ESSAY. foreign language is ...

In conclusion, I would like I WOULD HOLD/BELIEVE/REAFFIRM THAT I would like that every subject ... in advancing the society, so THE goverment should ...

Your paragraphs are too short. Try to work out on topic sentences carefully. you can search google on how to have better topic sentences.
Your ideas are quite nice. Have a good day and enjoy doing what you love.
MindfulIELTS   
Jul 28, 2020
Writing Feedback / Many people believe, that authorities are unnecessarily investing money on the arts [3]

Some people think that government is wasting money on the arts



Nowadays, art is a vast subject which plays a significant role in people's life. While many people believe authority is investing unnecessary money on this, I would argue no matter where they capitalize, as long as there is a joyful life, there is art.

To begin with, I will redefine the meaning of art. Each individual has a different point of view about art, but beautiful art means goodness, truth, and beauty. For instance, when a city is projected or when a table is manufactured to inspire and motivate people in life, it is real art.

First of all, that is true to a certain extent that the government could waste their national budget if they subsidized for corrupted art. As it can be seen easily from the media, the art level of artist is diversified; and not everyone can create meaningful and profound works for people to enjoy life. Sometimes, people's life suffers due to negative art. For example, after DC Film published the famous science fiction Bat Man movie, many people were statistically influenced by the villain Joker. As a result, they perform negative behavior in the community or even commit crimes. Authorities, thus, should have more awareness about the disposition of their financial budget for a better future.

On the other hand, the government could completely invest money for positive purposes elsewhere and harvest real art in life. Considering environment protection, as rulers conserve natural landscapes with decent finance, its beauty may inspire plenty of artistic and splendid pictures. Thus art and life are inter-are; this is because that is and that is because this is. There is life, so there is art and vice versa. As long as people keep watering the seed of happiness in the goodness, truth, and beauty, it will prosper in another form of artistic view.

In brief, while it is true that the government possibly put their money in the false purpose and it is wastage, I believe money can not be financed outside the cosmo to transform life as well as art. And the manifestation of art, besides its utility, depends on people's awareness or their energy of mindfulness.
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