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Posts by paleodietcorner
Name: Lê Tú
Joined: Sep 18, 2021
Last Post: Sep 20, 2021
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  
From: Viet Nam
School: Hanoi

Displayed posts: 6
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paleodietcorner   
Sep 18, 2021
Writing Feedback / Task 2: Traffic - a problem in major cities. Causes and solutions. [2]

IELTS TASK 2:

Nowadays, traffic is a serious problem in big cities

.
Why is this so and what are the solutions to this?


The 21st century has witnessed a rising concern in major parts of different countries around the world surrounding the issue of traffic. This essay will elaborate on the cause of this matter and provide personal solutions.

First and foremost, it is believed that the results of this problem mostly surround the traditional way of laboring. Clarifying this point, in order to come to the workplaces, distinctive employees have to use an abundance of means of personal transportation, which creates a high demand of travelling on roads. Additionally, commuters not only who live inside city centres, but also suburbs outside that, are compelled to move to their companies at the common time of the day, particularly following the standardised work schedule. As a result, with the high usage of transportations from even remote areas at the exact same time, traffic congestion occurs in the entire international traffic system every single day. This strongly proves that the issue of traffic is the result of maintaining the old type of work contribution, which needs employees to come directly to their organisations.

In terms of solutions, to tackle the traffic problem, working habits should be completely changed. In other words, the Internet is widely used in different functions, especially connecting people, and this could be beneficial in organisations. In essence, inhabitants could work from home, instead of moving to the companies over and over, which makes the demand for transportation decrease. Another method could be that governments should invest more money into helping public transport systems become more intriguing. To comprehend this, there are different drawbacks of personal transportation that need to be widely educated to the citizens, such as the polluting air from those vehicles. Furthermore, making collective transportation more interesting, including declining travelling fares, would encourage the commuters to choose this kind of travelling instead of individual vehicles. After all, alteration of working practices and raising the amenities of public transportation are the recommended methods to deal with the problem of traffic.

In conclusion, the old type of laboring devotion has led to the struggling matter of travelling. Therefore, governments should make imperative ways to solve this problem and they can follow methods outlined in the essay, which are changing the ordinary way of doing jobs or the traditional type of vehicles, particularly personal ones, used to move to work.

P/s: I hope any experts can read this carefully and provide an advice to improve my writing in the exact points that I'm not strong at, regarding criteria of Ielts Writing, which are Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Grammar and Vocab.

Have a nice day!
paleodietcorner   
Sep 19, 2021
Scholarship / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Causes and Solutions topic Environment [5]

My comments on the essay:
- First of all, your essay is over-lengthed so it would be a minus point to the Task Response. Try to reduce to 380 or lower than 350 words.

- Secondly, there are grammar errors in this essay. I suggest u use google docs to correct them.
- Last but most important, I will look into in ur writing to understand how u describe your ideas:
+ Opening: just like the expert mentioned. A way to write a thesis statement is: "This essay will elaborate + (paraphase the question) + provide sth (Ex: the main reasons of this problem and provide personal measurements.)

+ Body 1:
1) Topic sentence is not good at all. It should be referred a few information to the major idea of the essay. I mean u could partly summarize your body.

Idea 1: 2) "certain" gases: you didn't even say what are them -> so u should plus "such as carbon dioxide" or change the adj to sth like "exhausting emissions" (a much more academic word)."trap heat, those gases let in light" -> trap + noun so u can't write "those gases let in". And a plus point is that u can't even link them, so why not combine them by "which means an effect ..."

3) "If the burning of fossil fuels happened, it was because vehicles" -> wrong tense -> it should be present since it is a recent problem. Also, cars are just a minor part of the whole reason u outlined, so u should use "including"

Idea 2: You didn't even explain further about it . I mean: why it is a dispensable? why it consume fossil fuel?. If I was you, I would write the second reason could be the consumption of those fossil fuel -> factories could be a considerable example.

Idea 3: like the expert said: it is unnecessary. And there is no noun named "oxi" -> it's "oxygen"
=> Vocab inaccuracy
=> From my own perspective, I think your ideas are absolutely not cohesive and coherent, you explain insufficiently, recklessly and confusingly about them.
+ Body 2:
1) " which is Considered by" -> "should be considered". The problem hasn't been solved so solutions aren't clearly provided by them.
2) there is a general word to describe your first solution, it is "green politics"
3) Your ideas are arranged illogically so again, a minus point for coherence and cohesion
4) Like what mentioned by the online examiner: you outlined too much ideas without any careful supporting statements.
+ Conclusion: you don't paraphase your ideas, and it is so obvious to state there are various reasons and methods that it is worthless to write only that down.

In short:

This essay should be below 6.0, and my personal opinion is to rate you at band 5.0
P/s: @Holt can you take a look at my essay. I, maybe just like the writer, am a Vietnamese candidate going to attend the real Ielts exam so I am begging you to evaluate my writing. Here it is, in the same website: https://essayforum.com/writing/traffic-problem-major-cities-causes-solutions-91168/. Thank u so much
paleodietcorner   
Sep 19, 2021
Writing Feedback / The estimated jeans sales of the two Turkish companies and their projected market share [3]

First of all, there are other patent information that u can outlined, including a small decrease at first in the bar chart. Also, they are not gonna be "the leader" if the sum of them are just 50%. You can say a "considerable"instead. So, the problem here is too few informations and lack of vocab.

Secondly, it is certain that you write too short for the first body. How about making comparisons, it would increase your writing's details.

For instance, I will rewrite it: COMPARING TWO INDUSTRIES, THE JACK AND JONES COMPANY IS ESTIMATED (A WORD U SHOULD USE) TO ACCOUNT FOR 30% OF THE PROJECTED MARKET POOL. LOWER THAN THAT, THE MANGO COMPANY WILL STAND AT ONE FIFTH OF THE SAME ASPECT. OTHER INDUSTRIES WILL CLAIM THE REST OF THE PROJECTED MARKET SHARE, WHICH IS A HALF OF THE PIE CHART. (I'm sorry to caps it but I typo and I just can't undo it, apologize!)

And despite the others claim a higher percentage, it is not the kind of information that u can start. I mean, the question is mainly about 2 companies, so the examiner looks for your description of them, instead of the dramatical but unimportant figure.

Thirdly, in the following year. (located at the initial sentence of body 2) seems confusing since the drop only takes part in the second month so it should be "in the following month"

Last and the most important, throughout two bodies, u didn't given any single comparison between two companies. This will leave a significant minus point in Task Response. I hope u can fix this next time.
paleodietcorner   
Sep 20, 2021
Writing Feedback / Beside studying, there are more significant factors that pupils have to explore [NEW]

Task 2:
Everybody should stay at school until the age of 18. What extent do you agree or disagree?



From the far past, when education was born and has been used widely till nowadays, people who had the condition to study at school mainly decided to stay until the age of 18. Nevertheless, some people in recent days show the opposite viewpoint, claiming that pupils should quit school before they are 18 since there are more significant factors that they have to explore, such as pressure at work. This essay will elaborate on both viewpoints and provide a personal perspective.

On the one hand, a complete education will equip students with sufficient knowledge and life skills. In other words, schools nowadays provide a wide range of subjects, from social one including history and literature, to scientific one, such as mathematics and physics. These are vital knowledge for a person to deal with life issues and make a living in the future, as people with a certain qualification are more likely to find a job than ones without it. Therefore, in the long term, staying at school will assure the opportunity to earn a significant amount of income.

On the other hand, moral values such as tolerance and sharing, which play an important role in building up a person's behavior, are the actual schools' aim to teach young people, which also means that these significant virtues are not learned from only practical life. By this way, how they treat and communicate with other people, especially someone important for their life like your job employer, will impact on those students' life. In fact, even if your abilities are not impressive, you can still get a job by showing nice behavior. This clearly claims that vocational skills are not the most crucial factor that the employers can criticize on, but social skills learned from school.

In conclusion, it is not necessary to quit school hastily to experience life's pressure when you can learn how to cope with it at school. Thus, governments should encourage students to stay at school until they are mature enough and ready to contribute to their own country.

P/s: @Holt, can you give me an advice to shorten but sharpen your writing. I just don't figure it out how to write less, while still maintain the contents.
paleodietcorner   
Sep 20, 2021
Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] DISCUSS THE VIEWS OF ADVERTISING AND GIVE YOUR OPINION. [3]

First and foremost,, you write in a wrong format. WriTask2 requires 4 paragraphs, containing an opening, 2 bodies and a conclusion. This would be an enormous minus point to u.

Secondly, you make an over-average amount of grammar mistakes in your writing. Thus, I suggest you use GoogleDoc to correct them.

Last but most important, let's take a look at your essay:
1) First paragraph: You only referred that "advertising is one of the best successes as it appears everywhere in our lives". Does successequal frequency? No matter the answer, you have to outline some evidence to prove it, which is not outlined. The only things you described are slogans, which do not actually correspond with the idea. => Minus regarding the Coherence and cohesion (CC).

2) Second paragraph: "disappointed to consumers when they actually buy but it is not qualified as was advertised.". I think the relationship between two ideas here is definitely not CONTRARY, but it is CAUSE-RESULT. Therefore, the more appropriate word should be due to. In addition, the idea is "no longer pay attention" but you wrote " care more about the product information". Isn't it confusing? => Again, minus regarding CC.

3) Third para:"the high prediction, that people could no longer care about it." => The prompt is that the notion of paying less attention on those products is recent, not future. => A confusing term.

4) Grammar complexity: the main issue is not paraphased so it proves that you don't have the required ability.

Cheers.
paleodietcorner   
Sep 20, 2021
Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates the amount of people who bought music over seven years time frame [4]

@Holt actually examined your writing enough so I will only provide some considerable advices.

At the second paragraph, you wrote CDs purchased decreased negligibly. It doesn't make sense since it dropped by merely a half from the peak. The more proper word should be dramatically.

Also, it seems hard not only to you, but also to me when you divided 2 bodies regarding 3 products. I mean, doesn't it became easier when u distribute it in terms of two periods of time? You can make comparisons, which does not appear in your writing, such as when the downloads equal CDs purchased in 2013 and the streams dominate CDs in 2016.

These are two advices that I could suggest you. Hope u this read carefully.

Cheers,
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