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Posts by Lyss
Joined: Oct 30, 2009
Last Post: Oct 31, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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Lyss   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Application: Getting my GED-Meaningful Experience [8]

I agree with those above me: if you decide to choose earning your GED as a topic, you'll probably have to explain why you didn't go to high school in the first place. If the reason is something completely negative, then earning your GED might not be the right topic (unless you can somehow incorporate in your essay how something 'negative' turned into something 'positive'). Depending on what the reason is for not completing high school, earning a GED might not be a good topic (unless the reason were somewhat understandable. For example, if you got pregnant and had to drop out. You can somehow incorporate how being a parent has taught you responsibility and how to balance certain aspects of your life.)

Overall, it's a good essay- but there's one part:

When I had to tell parents that I was obtaining my GED, you could tell by the look of disgust on their face that they were very wrong about me

Change it to: When I had to tell parents that I was obtaining my GED, you could tell by the look of disgust on their face (now add what you can tell by the look of disgust- perhaps, "you could tell by the look of disgust on their face that they believed I was a failure. But they were very wrong." or "you could tell by the look of disgust on their face that they believed the GED to be the end of me. But they were very wrong.")

Best of luck!

P.S- please check my essay. It's "UF Application Essay-8th grade failure turns into high school academic excellence"
Lyss   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence [8]

This is my UF application essay. Feedback, comments, input, etc. would be greatly appreciated! This is due Sunday-Monday so help as soon as possible would be so beneficial! Thanks in advance! (And I'll be sure to read your essays, as well)

Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

My heart pounds as I open the envelope that conceals my fate. Shaking fingers grasp the card within and eyes hastily scan its contents. French III Honors: A, U.S. History Honors: A, Physics Honors: A, AP Language and Composition: A, Statistics: A, Religion Morality: A, and Drawing/Painting I: A. My report card falls from my hands as I begin to jump ecstatically and exclaim from the top of my lungs, "First Honors! I finally have First Honors!" After three years in the making and close calls concerning borderline B-A grades, I finally accomplished my high school goal: to achieve First Honors.

Three years ago, I sat in the audience as my classmates were each called to receive Honor Awards during my Eighth Grade Graduation. I sat alone as the principal called name after name to the sounds of applause. Seeing their ecstatic faces made me realize I wanted to experience their excitement. I wanted to achieve Honors and be recognized for my hard work; I wanted to excel academically. At that moment, I set a goal for high school: to work relentlessly hard in my academics and one day hold the title of First Honors Student to my name. Moving onto high school in a new state (I moved from New Jersey to Florida) allowed me to start anew and focus on the goal I had set for myself.

Freshmen and Sophomore years passed, each containing their own accomplishments. Each quarter, I received Second Honors after being on the borderline of a B or an A in one class. In Freshmen year, my academic demon was Biology; Sophomore year, it was Algebra II. Come Junior year, I prepared myself for an academically challenging year. Rising Seniors had bombarded me with horror stories about Junior year being the most academically difficult. I entered Junior year with a bit of dread and fear, but overall a sense of anticipation. Would this be the year I finally accomplished my goal?

Amongst balancing Presidential responsibilities of the French Honor Society, being a Peer Leader, being active in my youth group, participating in Drama club, applying to be an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist, and finding time to volunteer at UF & Shands Hospital and St. Francis' Soup Kitchen, I managed to uphold my grades and finished the Junior year with all A's. I kept my eyes on my goal and never strayed away from what I wanted best. I worked and studied relentlessly to achieve the academic recognition I had always dreamed of. The year certainly was difficult but it tested how well I was able to balance all the responsibilities in my life- an attribute I feel will benefit me once I join the University of Florida. As a college freshmen, I know I will have challenging academic classes, but my high school experience has prepared me to take on those challenges, overcome any obstacles, and succeed. As a part of the Gator Nation, I want to be active in Student Campus Life: I want to join many student clubs and organizations, maybe play some intramural sports, become active on campus, and express my Gator pride at different sporting events. I believe the various group responsibilities I held throughout my high school career has prepared me to balance my Student Campus Life with my Academic Life. I believe moving onto college, as I moved onto high school four years ago, will set the stage anew and allow me to complete another successful chapter in my life.
Lyss   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / First family rescue- University of Florida Essay [4]

This is a well-written essay and I like your topic of choice; it relates back to how you'll be able to contribute to UF.

There are only a few corrections, as far as punctuation goes.

My mind and body focused; I know exactly what needs to be done- You don't need a semi-colon, a comma would be fine.

When I finally reach them I see the trepidation and desperation in their eyes- comma after 'them'

I bring them to shore, and ask if they are alright- no need for a comma.

I tell them I'm glad they're safe and jog back to resume to watch the water at Tower 334- change 'to watch' to 'watching'

I like the different, unique adjectives you used: oscillating, trepidation, etc.

Good luck!

P.S- if you could look at my essay, it'd be greatly appreciated
The thread is titled "UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence"
Lyss   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence [8]

Thanks for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated!
And I'll be sure to take a look at your essay, as well.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if I should have listed all my classes, clubs, etc. since I already put it on the resume. But I also thought it would help emphasize the 'busy-ness' of my life and how I'm able to balance responsibilities. I'm still wrestling with that paragraph, though.

So, should I add more information about club or class and how I managed to overcome a challenge in that club/class?
Lyss   
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Moving on" - impact on my life UF essay :) [3]

I like the topic that you're going with (experiencing a new land, applying that to your UF experience), but I think it needs to be expressed more clearly (after a few punctuation corrections and sentences written differently, more coherently, I think your idea will be crystal clear).

But I like your topic, it's very unique, and it helps to apply your past experience to your, hopefully, future experience at UF.

Best of luck!
Lyss   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / UF Application Essay-8th gradefailure turns into high school academic excellence [8]

Thanks (:
And it managed to fit actually, with probably 400 characters to spare? (Before I started writing my essay, I was so worried that I would go over the limit)

Best of luck to you, too!

As for the awkward sentences/ listing of activities. I edited it a bit, so hopefully it's all good.
I ended up editing the last sentence to:

"Amongst balancing Presidential responsibilities of the French Honor Society, being a Peer Leader, and participating in Drama club, I managed to uphold my grades and earn First Honors. At the same time, I found time to volunteer at UF & Shands Hospital Jacksonville and St. Francis' Soup Kitchen, as well as apply to be an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist, and still finish my Junior year with all A's. I kept my eyes on my goal and never strayed away from what I wanted best, despite having a hectic schedule. I worked and studied relentlessly to achieve the academic recognition I had always dreamed of and wanted. The year certainly was difficult, but it tested how well I was able to balance all the responsibilities in my life- an attribute I feel will benefit me once I join the University of Florida..."

(Everything else stayed the same afterwards)
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