Posts by karyenu

karyenu

Nov 10, 2009

Undergraduate / My secret--personal essay on common application [8]

I agree with Hangdung. You have a very nice prompt, and I reallly enjoyed reading it. However, I think you should have a more attention grabbing sentence.

Although she could hardlyafford any drawing paper and pigment, she still treasured her dream of becoming a painter.

Gradually, I integrated myself into a new life, looking for ties for my father, cooking with my stepmother, teaching my little sister to draw, a sense of fulfillment filled me all the time.

This sentence is not parallel. your last part should say, teaching my little sister to draw. Gradually, a sense of fulfillment filled me all the time.

I woudld either start a new sentence, or make the subject *I*

it's I began to realize, not realized for the 3rd paragraph.

But i acutually this is very good, just a few minor grammar mistakes here and there.
Great job!

karyenu

Nov 10, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt Essay (both prompts) - Business Major [5]

Your first sentence is just a generalization and your own personal opinion. How do you know the admission officer's even had a father? right? Just a suggestion.

I discovered that it takes a lot of hard work to be a sole owner of a business, but enjoyed the challenge of running a business.

How did you discover? Why is it hard? Why is it challenging? I would provide some examples.

but it will stay with me as I dream of what my world will become.

your second essay would be the same thing. i wouldn't start with your own opinion. and I think you need a more attention grabbing sentence.

I didn't read your second one, sorry, but I thought you described how your father impacted you which is good.

best of luck.

karyenu

Nov 10, 2009

Undergraduate / How my world has shaped my life-UC Prompt [8]

Not to be mean, but I think your essay is to vague. Like a lot of the details you provided can apply to anyone.

My membership in Key Club and the Vietnamese Student Association (VSA) has given me a better image of what the world is like and how communities act together as a whole.

How? What activities did you do?

I think you should expand on more of your topics and maybe even narrow it down.

In the beginning of your paragraph, it seems like you're more focused on how your parents taught you, but you're not saying what you think about it. Do you agree? Do you follow?

these are just suggestions so you don't have to follow them, but I would definitely make this essay more specific.

best of luck.

karyenu

Nov 15, 2009

Undergraduate / Senior Prom Committee Extracurricular 150 words or less [2]

This is for the common application: elaborate on one of your extracurriculars or personal experience.

When the senior class board accepted my application to be part of the 2010 prom committee, I was completely thrilled. I chose this job to create something worth remembering in high school. After a year, I realized that as secretary and events coordinator, the job was a lot more than that. With only seven people, the timing can be crazy sometimes. One moment, I'm selling food and discount cards around school; the next moment, I'm debating important issues on which venue or which DJ. The job may not be helping me become a pharmacist, but it has given me many opportunities and experiences. I can utilize my verbal skills in communicating with sponsors and caterers, and I've developed new relationships with friends and adults. These are just a few of the many positive aspects, but perhaps the most important is the honor of creating a precious moment for my class.

This is due tonight so please edit.

Thank you.

karyenu

Nov 15, 2009

Undergraduate / First generation student - Common App/ Topic of your choice [4]

The parents may be immigrants from other countries that may ...

I think when you said that the children are first generation, it implies that they're immigrants, so that'll be redundant.

This predicament is quite unsuitable, as the child does not know what to do. When they lack the access to school, they could eventually lose or never develop their passionate fervor for school.

That does not match. You're calling a child 'they'. It should be singular, like his, etc.

This situation was much like my own.
I think this sentence should be a new paragraph.

Most of my elementary school career neglect for academics made it tough for me during junior high leading up to my high school years
This sentence sounds awkward. I would re-phrase it.

I think you made a great topic, because I'm a 1st generation student too, and after a couple more drafts, this will be a very competitive essay.

Best of luck.

karyenu

Nov 17, 2009

Undergraduate / Game Freak- Common App Essay [10]

I think your essay was really good, but I at first I thought you were going to write about how you got out of your video game addiction. Then, you started writing about how the DS brought your dad and you closer together. Although I see the connection, it's very weak and not developed enough.

I actually think you should just stick to the video game addiction and forget about dad.

Also, I think you can delete the last 2 paragraphs and change the last sentence for a conclusion.

Just suggestions.

best of luck.

karyenu

Nov 17, 2009

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2: Significant achievement (Soccer) [6]

I'll be honest. Yes, I do think your essay seems to be bragging a bit about your academic acheivements and to me, you kind of seem a bit snobbish (not that you are, just your essay).

It's a great topic, but I would fix it up a little.
Sorry that I can't offer any suggestios on how, because honestly, I'm not sure.

Maybe delete the parts about 'because i can because it's easy...' and maybe the friends snatching your report card.

I think 'having having conquered the academic world' is already well put, and you don't need to include the other stuff.

Just suggestions.

best of luck

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

Prompt
Please provide information regarding your goals and plans for the future as it relates to the Program in Nursing Science and the Nursing profession. Please limit statement to 200-225 words.

In the three years that I have volunteered at California Pacific Medical Center, perhaps the most rewarding experience was from the time I had with a frail eighty-year-old Chinese woman, Su-Ping.

I met Su-Ping from my duties of assisting patients in choosing their meals at the Nutritional Services Department. The first time I saw Su-Ping, I was reluctant to approach this fragile woman, because as she was extremely ill, I knew I would receive no response from her. Yet, I entered the room and asked her in English: "You have your menu ready?" No response. "Would you like me to help you decide?" She gave a mere groan and mumbled that she was in pain in Cantonese. I immediately called the nurses and stayed there for an hour, translating every phrase the doctors said.

Su-Ping got better, and I looked forward to seeing her every day. We would write Chinese calligraphy, prepare Chinese dumplings, and even decorated the room. Since hardly any of the occupants or the nurses spoke Chinese, having me was such a pleasure to talk with. Thus, the enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing, an interest to provide care for an individual, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to that person in her/her greatest time of need.

This has 224 words. I have to turn this in by tommorrow so all help is appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

I know this topic is extremely cliche, but I had nothing to write.

Any form of critiscism is very welcomed.

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

Thank you.
I thought that the goals and what I can contribute was my last sentence of caring for an individual and providing friendship.

I can tell that this isn't very clear. What do you think I can add to make this more clearer?

Thank you again.

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / My grandmother, Suggestions for my essay? Struggling for ideas.. [6]

I think this is such a great topic! I feel so sorry for your grandmother. I did not feel pity from reading it. I think you're fine. Also, I believe for prompt 2, since I'm doing it as well, there's the part about how it makes you proud. How does this expeerience make you proud?

I think that you should just take out the communication major. or that she forgetting you made you dig deeper into your family communication. You did make a connection, but the connection is extemely weak. I would just end it with saying her impact on you, and she has shaped you the way you are today, just expanding on your appreciation for life.

Just suggestions.

Please edit mines!

Best of luck

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / USC Prompt 3 (reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [7]

Sorry if I'm too critical, but I think you should expand more from what you learned or what its impact was on you. Maybe it's just me, but you put too much emphasis on the game, and I was extremely bored while reading it. I felt nothing, and your process of playing lost me. I had to go back and read it twice.

Just suggestions.

Best of luck!

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / overprotective parents-UC prompt #1 [4]

I agree, you didn't say what your dreams were.

Also, your ending is very...how can I put it...like in the middle of something. It didn't seem like an ending for me. I think you can just talk about how your mom shaped your dreams there.

Plus, I really want to add that this is such an original and intersting topic! Good Job!

Please read mines

Thanks.

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

THank you.
This is for the Nursing supplement for Irvine. They make me write another short essay.

here is my revised one.

I'm having trouble making it more personal. Any suggestions?

oh and now I have 233 words, I need to delete about 8/9 ish. Where can I cut down on?

In the three years that I have volunteered at California Pacific Medical Center, perhaps the most rewarding experience was from the time I had with a frail eighty-year-old Chinese woman, Su-Ping.

I met Su-Ping from my duties of assisting patients in choosing their meals at the Nutritional Services Department. The first time I saw Su-Ping, I was reluctant to approach this fragile woman. She was pale, yellow, and I was just basically scared. Yet, I entered the room and asked her in English: "You have your menu ready?" No response. "Would you like me to help you decide?" She gave a mere groan and mumbled in Cantonese that she was in pain. I immediately called the nurses and stayed there for an hour, translating to her every phrase the doctors said.

After that incident, Su-Ping got better, and we started talking as I helped her with her menu. We would write Chinese calligraphy, prepare Chinese dumplings, and even decorate the room. Since hardly any of the occupants or the nurses spoke Chinese, I saw the sparkle and the appreciation in her eyes for me, and it felt absolutely amazing. The enjoyment I had with her in the two months has brought me to an interest in nursing, an interest to provide care for individuals, but even more importantly, to provide companionship and hope to others like Su-Ping in their greatest time of need.

THank you.

karyenu

Nov 28, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

Thanks for your help, I'm revising it and will post it up as soon as I'm done.