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Posts by Ariel829
Joined: Nov 24, 2009
Last Post: Apr 29, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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Ariel829   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement 2009 [2]

I belive the esaay is 56 words too long right now and the closing my need revisons. Any feedback is welcome.

Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that thrives on intellectual discourse in and out of the classroom. Students, faculty, and staff all participate in the exchange of ideas in an atmosphere characterized by high achievement and a sense of balance. The Admissions Committee is eager to learn more about you and your school community. Reflecting on your own educational experiences, how have you prepared yourself to enter an academic environment like Bowdoin's? (Suggested length: 250-500 words.)

Essay:

Throughout my high school experience I have learned to identify ways of problem solving, be a team member, and be a leader. These skills have developed at Marshwood High School through work in classrooms and athletic facilities and in the local community.

For the past five years I have devoted summers to working for the South Berwick Recreation Department. This job has provided experience with a range of people in the community through working at penny sales, after school programs, and summer camp. Primarily the latter two have provided me with the chance to be a responsible leader. In the after school program Mad Science I helped elementary students build flying model rockets and other such experiments. In the summer camp program I created new games to play and provided children aged five to twelve with fun and safe trips to amusement parks. In both situations it was my duty to set an example for the children and be there for any guidance they may have needed.

The Marshwood High School field hockey team has provided me with experience as a team member. This team met everyday from mid August to the beginning of November. The program is one in which everyone is open to trying new methods because of the low number of participants that places freshmen on the starting varsity. The freshmen playing alongside seniors has never been a problem; I believe is has made the team closer. As a freshman it was a great experience to learn from seniors and as a senior it's an excellent feeling to know others look up to you, especially as the captain. Marshwood has always won and lost as a team and set goals to work towards as a group. The goal for the past four years has been to make post-season. Freshman year the team did not win a game. Sophomore year the team won three games. Junior year the team won five games. Senior year the team won six games. Steady progress was made but this year the team missed post-season by one spot in the standings.

At Marshwood High school the focus has always been on identifying ways of solving problems. In mathematics I was always encouraged to solve a problem with my knowledge first before the teacher derived the formula to use from then on. English teachers always focused on grammatical rules and sentence structure by encouraging students to correct papers after they had been graded so mistakes could be identified. Science teachers have always encouraged me to try problems first before asking for help. When asking a question the teachers never gave a straight answer, instead asked questions that helped lead me to the answer myself.

I believe these experiences have provided me with the knowledge in order to succeed at Bowdoin College where students work both as individuals and together in and out of the classroom in education and research. I am prepared to work hard and represent the Polar Bear's well in all communities.
Ariel829   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / writing poems + engineering studie - USC, short Essays [5]

There are just a few places where grammar is incorrect (understandable if English is not your first language)
1st question
"makes on brains" could be phrased "encourages one's brain"
2nd question
"on aerospace" could be phrased "into aerospace"
Overall I understand your ideas and they are good, just be careful of the use of the word "on"
Ariel829   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / turned to basketball to help clear my head, Penn State personal statement [3]

"Which is why my summer basketball tournament is where I am most involved as one of the team captains."
this sentence needs to be rephrased to clarify that as team captain you took it as your duty to join this basketball tournament over the summer to encourage people to attend church.

"As team captain, the summer basketball tournament has been a great way for me to clear my head and become involved in helping the church." just a suggested rephrase, probably not the best still
Ariel829   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'science and education major' - Bates Supplement 2009 [3]

How Will you, with your life experiences, contribute to the vitality of Bates?

The life experiences I have been given have created a person willing to work hard and accept challenges. I encourage myself and others to try new activities and step out of the comfort zone.

My experiences through coaching and playing field hockey and ice hockey and participating as a counselor in a summer camp program has developed a person that can work well with others and has an understanding of times at which to take the lead. It excites me to meet new challenges in life whether is be in a sports game or helping others. My goals are to become a high school science teacher and field hockey coach after college and continue to participate in summer camps with younger children. I believe I can represent Bates well as a student and alumni in each of these situations.

As a science and education major at Bates I will bring a person committed to research of new ideas, teaching and learning methods for students. I will also represent the school in a sportsmanlike manner by playing field hockey and supporting other Bates in all other events.

Do I need to be more specific?
Ariel829   
Apr 29, 2010
Book Reports / "Life without obstacles" - (Hamlet essay) [3]

First paragraph felt repatative with the use of Hamlet and hardships.
"Hard for him" sentence in second paragraph. Maybe add "it" at the beginning and take out the period.
and revise possibly to "...uncle killed his father and then married his mother" to not be as repetative.
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