'science and education major' - Bates Supplement 2009

How Will you, with your life experiences, contribute to the vitality of Bates?

The life experiences I have been given have created a person willing to work hard and accept challenges. I encourage myself and others to try new activities and step out of the comfort zone.

My experiences through coaching and playing field hockey and ice hockey and participating as a counselor in a summer camp program has developed a person that can work well with others and has an understanding of times at which to take the lead. It excites me to meet new challenges in life whether is be in a sports game or helping others. My goals are to become a high school science teacher and field hockey coach after college and continue to participate in summer camps with younger children. I believe I can represent Bates well as a student and alumni in each of these situations.

As a science and education major at Bates I will bring a person committed to research of new ideas, teaching and learning methods for students. I will also represent the school in a sportsmanlike manner by playing field hockey and supporting other Bates in all other events.

Do I need to be more specific?

You only need "have" once: The life experiences I have been given have created...

My experiences ... have developed...

Read this [en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alumnus]

The last 2 sentences are kind of bad. They're boring and vague; like you said, it needs to be more specific. I like the middle. I hope you can change the beginning and end so that they both put forth a distinguishable theme. What is your theme? What truth can you share about the way to contribute to vitality?

While it is good that you specifically state all that will contribute to the school, your essay is not the most enjoyable read. Write in a way that makes yourself sound unique and interesting. Give them a reason to *want* you to come there.