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Posts by fromagebus
Joined: Nov 28, 2009
Last Post: Dec 13, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

Displayed posts: 10
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fromagebus   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell application essay for Arts and Sciences - interest writing [9]

Describe your intellectual interest and contribution to Cornell?
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts & Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major or field of study (maximum 500 words).

I am a storyteller. Weaving fictional characters' conflicts and concrete themes and symbols into a novel is my passion. My dream of becoming an author grew from the various books I read and artistic styles I examined. I hope to join the legions of respected authors, whose books line shelves around the world. Stories crafted by literary geniuses, like Toni Morrison's Beloved, that leave an emotional impact on the reader are the source of my inspiration. My interest in creative writing evolved after reading Scott Westerfeld's The Uglies. The cautionary tale of the price of perfection is a contemporary novel that offers a blend of dynamic action and literary themes instead of mindless entertainment or tedious schoolwork. Westerfeld's refreshing style revitalized my fading hopes of being acclaimed by critics and adored by readers. My desire to pursue writing as a career instead of a hobby was heightened through reading classical literature. The light hearted romance of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, psychological thrills of Henry James's The Turn of the Screw, and unnerving realism of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale are just a portion of the literary rollercoaster that powered my dreams. On the other hand, modern artists offer a glimmer of hope that success can found in the artistic world with work and determination. Sofia Coppola's inventive directing, J. J. Abrams's impressive productions, and Zhang Jingna's unique visions are a few examples of successful artists in the 20th century. They prove creativity and imagination have not been erased. At Cornell University, I hope to be involved with its prestigious Department of English. The Creative Writing Program would help me develop my writing abilities in classes like Narrative and Verse Writing. The university also holds an open reading series and a literary magazine, organizations I want to participate in. Working with a group of intellectual students and challenging professors drives me to following my ambitions. Thus, Cornell University represents a new future, where I can expand my literary knowledge and creativity. My path toward becoming an author began with a fascination with books and will hopefully end at an engaging university full of opportunities and success.

(359/500)
fromagebus   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay "Shower Dreams" [10]

I like it. robertsheperd80 is right about some of the grammar. I suggest that you move a few things around at the end.

Without warning, the orchestra ceases to play, and the cold air of reality rushes in. Once again time moves forward. Instead of trying to capture it, I let it rise and drift away.In my heart, I know the truth - I am a surgeon, a biomedical engineer, a diplomat, and a musician. Drops of water fall from my skin. Ready to pursue my dreams, I open the shower curtain and step into the world.

I hope this helps. Good luck!
fromagebus   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / The Other Children: Columbia University personal statement evaluation? [4]

I love your story. You write in a conversational tone and use commas where there would be a pause or hesitation in a spoken sentence. I think that it fits the tone of the piece.

I nudged every time she placed her hands on my attire to remove the tiniest speck or flaw that marred it. Such was the same for my personality.

I think that fidgeted fits better. Then you could reaffirm that by saying you were restless.

I fidgeted every time she placed her hands on my jacket to remove the tiniest speck or flaw that marred it. Such was the same for my personality - I was restless.

As I sat down next to my parents on to one of the extravagantly designed yet extremely uncomfortable chairs at the grand table, I looked around the brightly lit and embellished dining hall, making eye contact with my cousins who smiled back but portrayed signs of apprehension to say anything while the adults were speaking.

I think that this sentence should be broken up.

I sat down next to my parents on one of the extravagantly designed, yet extremely uncomfortable chairs at the grand table.
I know that you're worried about commas, but I think you need one before "yet"?

Does anyone else know the rules about "yet"?
fromagebus   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Multiple Sclerosis) [12]

I am sorry to hear about your mother. Here are a few suggestions - I used italics to signify where I changed your first draft - I am by no means an expert.

Everyone takes the occasional nap, but I knew this wasn't right. She would sleep from the time I got home until I went to bed. Work had already become too much for her to deal with. Her days became almost constant cycles of sleep intermixed with waking moments spent coping with pain. It was difficult for me to watch my mother, the person I loved most, going through such intense pain. She dealt with so much, so why was I the one feeling self-pity?

As her illness progressed, it had a direct effect on my life. My after school activity started to consist of what seemed to be near constant trips to the doctor. To me, It didn't seem fair that I had to miss out on after school activities or hanging with my friends just to drive her around. Not only was it because of what I missed out on, but also because of the time we were forced to just wait for tests-and then more tests-to come back. This went on for months before we finally found what had been taking such a huge physical and emotional toll on my mom and me.

Multiple Sclerosis. I've now heard this word so many times it makes me sick. I'd heard of it before, but until last year it had no real meaning to me. Last year my life was changed forever. Last year my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Good use of sentence structure to convey your point.

Since then, things have changed dramatically for me. Though my mother is still quite independent, I have gained a lot of responsibility around the house. At first this was hard for me to handle. Mothers are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. Eventually, though, I adapted to the new chores and responsibilities. Having to rely more on myself for things has made me a fiercely, independent person.

One of the worst parts of thisdisease is its unpredictability. My mom goes from being active and happy to bedridden and in pain in less than a day. These exacerbations come out of the blue, and used to annoy me more than anything. I remember looking forward to a shopping trip forweeks only to have it cancelled because she got sick. Times like that made me feel so angry, yet so guilty, because I always knew that it wasn't really my mom's fault. I've now learned to cope with this unpredictability and it has helped me to better deal with any unexpected situation I might come across. I don't that that you needed the comma between "unpredictability" and "and
fromagebus   
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Multiple Sclerosis) [12]

Following Rajiv suggestion, maybe you should start here by changing the word order in the following manner:

Before my mom stopped working, she was a Registered Nurse. My father and grandfather were both doctors. I grew up around hospitals, and was fairly sure I wanted to work in one.

to

I grew up around hospitals. My mother was a Registered Nurse and my father and grandfather were doctors.

Then, reword your motivation. It sounds like you grew up expecting to go into the family business - the "medicine business". Your mother illness made it more personal, and your contact with various doctors had an impact on your decision. Talk about that and I think it would help.
fromagebus   
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - murder trial [5]

As I wait impatiently in his office, my father finishes describing my part in the preparation of his client's defense. "Your work will help us argue not only for (name of client) freedom, but for his life," he concludes. I am stunned and feel a weight placed on my shoulders. "I thought I was just briefing depositions," I stutter. I work intently at my task-creating a map which tracks the key players' movements the day of the murders. I review cell phone billing records and chart tower site locations. I calculate the coverage area, construct the travel route and record the GPS data. Through my work, I uncover an anomaly. A cell phone signal is miles outside the coverage area, calling into question the accuracy of the cell phone data. I carefully prepare a visual representation of the evidence. Now I understand the importance of the battles my father wages.

AJGraves
fromagebus   
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - murder trial [5]

aguafria22 - this is the prompt - In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Does anyone know if it has to be in "present tense" or "past tense". Although the case hasn't been tried yet, I compiled the data for my dad this summer. The Co-defendant got sentenced today - death - so the stakes are high.

Thanks so much for any input. It was an eye opening experience.
fromagebus   
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Short answer for common app about music [9]

I think that this is the prompt you are writing to:
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)

If so, I think your essay is well written.

Music is universal; it speaks to everyone in a different sense, influencing them in a completely original way.

I really like this sentence. It is a great beginning.

The freedom of expression, sense of accomplishment I get after perfecting an intricate song, and the positive reactions of listeners all bring about an incomparable feeling.

I think that there should be comma after song.

I think the ending is fine. It elaborates on you love of the guitar. I think that there is an implicit implication that you are a self starter. I think that is what a lot of colleges look for. Good job.
fromagebus   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

Here is my revised essay for the common application. This is the prompt:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. I reworked it. Any suggested revisions would be greatly appreciated.

She quickly hugs her mother goodbye and dashes out the door to join her siblings. Today is her first day of kindergarten. She proudly examines her new shoes as the school bus pulls up. She can barely contain her excitement as she enters the bus with her brothers and sister She shoos them away and sits alone in her seat. She looks forward to meeting her teacher and making new friends. It all went so terribly wrong. No one sits with her. No one talks to her. After a day of silence, one boy finally spits out, "Korean!" The class laughs. A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one that is pale, withdrawn, and upset. Dejected, she tells her mother about the nightmarish day and asks, "What should I do?" Looking into her eyes, her mother replies, "Mel, you will go to school tomorrow and tell them you are Filipino."

When I first heird this story as a child, I was shocked that my Aunt Mel's parents did nothing to intercede at school. I was full of questions. Why didn't her parents talk to her teacher? Did her mother think a five-year-old girl could handle the harsh reality of prejudice? As these thoughts lingered, I realized that Mel always recounted this memory with a smile. She went to school the next day and stood up for herself. Her experience made me see my aunt in a different light. She was strong. She was not just the perfect hunter, fly fisherman, kick boxer, runner, and rock climber I imagined but a real person who had faced real problems. As I grew up, Mel continued to be an inspiration. Like her, I learned to confront problems directly, handle adversity with humor, and not let others define me.

The transition from middle school to high school was daunting. Everything seemed bigger, faster, and harder. My shy personality became an obstacle. My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turn oral presentations into public embarrassments. Instead of giving up, I focused on becoming more outgoing. I joined the school band and became a member of several clubs like key club, HOPE (Help Our Planet Earth), and High-Q. Like Aunt Mel, I embraced my passions. I found my voice in art and the written word. Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or tantalizing story allowed me to express my hopes, dreams, and ideas. I created elaborate projects for my classes. For instance, I made a model of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, drew a periodic table of endangered animals, and wrote a short murder mystery. I felt empowered.

As senior year approached, I was pulled in different directions. My brother encouraged me to research careers in math and the sciences. My parents advocated an undergraduate degree in pre-law, economics or political science. I am an artist. Taking a page from Aunt Mel, I decided to chart my own path. I have my own vision and unique journey to follow. As I venture into a new chapter of my life, I will not forget my aunt's story. I have grown from the lost child who concerned about other's opinion to a confident adult who is ready to chase my dreams.
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