This is my first draft of my essay. One of my biggest concerns is that I am not getting a point across, but just tell me what you think and please be very critical of it!
Everyone takes the occasional nap, but I knew this wasn't right. She would sleep from the time I got home till I went to bed. Work had already become too much for her to deal with. Her days had become almost constant cycles of sleep with waking moments spent coping with pain. It was difficult for me to watch the person I loved most, my mother, going through such intense pain. She dealt with so much, so why was I the one feeling self-pity?
As her illness progressed, it had a direct effect on my life. My after school activity started to consist of what seemed to be near constant trips to the doctor. To me, it didn't seem fair that I had to miss out on after school activities or hanging with my friends just to drive her around. It was frustrating not only because of what I missed out on but also because of the time we were forced to just wait for tests-and then more tests-to come back. This went on for months before we finally found what had been taking such a huge physical and emotional toll on my mom and me.
Multiple Sclerosis. I've now heard this word so many times it makes me sick. I'd heard of it before, but until last year it had no real meaning to me. Last year my life was changed forever. Last year my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
Since then, things have changed dramatically for me. Though my mother is still quite independent, I have gained a lot of responsibility around the house. At first this was hard for me to handle. Mothers are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. Eventually, though, I adapted to the new chores and responsibilities. Having to rely more on myself for things has made me a fiercely independent person.
One of the worst parts of here disease is its unpredictability. My mom goes from being active and happy to bedridden and in pain in less than a day. These exacerbations come out of the blue, and used to annoy me more than anything. I remember looking forward to a shopping trip for weeks only to have it cancelled because she got sick. Times like that made me feel so angry, yet so guilty, because I always knew that it wasn't really my mom's fault. I've now learned to cope with this unpredictability, and it has helped me to better deal with any unexpected situation I might come across.
Before my mom stopped working, she was a Registered Nurse. My father and grandfather were both doctors. I grew up around hospitals, and was fairly sure I wanted to work in one. When I was younger, though, my motivations for wanting to practice medicine were ignorant ones that didn't fully consider whether it was something I was passionate about. Seeing what my mother goes through every day motivates me to work hard so that someday I will be able to become a doctor. Instead of letting my mother's illness take over my life, I want to find a way to make a difference.
For every hardship I have experienced because of Multiple Sclerosis, I know my mom has had to deal with so much more. The effects the disease has had on me, however, have helped me to discover who I really am. There were times this past year where I felt powerless, like when I saw my mom in pain. Those times were tough, but they forced me to change for the better. Looking back I see that those times revealed some of my most positive characteristics. I have come out a stronger, more independent, motivated person ready to take on the world.
There is some recent thinking on the cause of MS and the method of treating it.
theglobeandmail.com/news/national/researchers-labour-of-lov e-leads-to-ms-breakthrough/article1372414/
stanford.wellsphere.com/multiple-sclerosis-ms-article/endovascu lar-treatment-for-multiple-sclerosis/894348
nationalmssociety.org/news/news-detail/index.aspx?nid=2206
buffalo.edu/research/article.html?id=105620009
Thanks for these articles! Any thoughts about the actual essay though? At least people know what the topic is...
I am sorry to hear about your mother. Here are a few suggestions - I used italics to signify where I changed your first draft - I am by no means an expert.
Everyone takes the occasional nap, but I knew this wasn't right. She would sleep from the time I got home until I went to bed. Work had already become too much for her to deal with. Her days became almost constant cycles of sleep intermixed with waking moments spent coping with pain. It was difficult for me to watch my mother, the person I loved most, going through such intense pain. She dealt with so much, so why was I the one feeling self-pity?
As her illness progressed, it had a direct effect on my life. My after school activity started to consist of what seemed to be near constant trips to the doctor. To me, It didn't seem fair that I had to miss out on after school activities or hanging with my friends just to drive her around. Not only was it because of what I missed out on, but also because of the time we were forced to just wait for tests-and then more tests-to come back. This went on for months before we finally found what had been taking such a huge physical and emotional toll on my mom and me.
Multiple Sclerosis. I've now heard this word so many times it makes me sick. I'd heard of it before, but until last year it had no real meaning to me. Last year my life was changed forever. Last year my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.
Good use of sentence structure to convey your point.
Since then, things have changed dramatically for me. Though my mother is still quite independent, I have gained a lot of responsibility around the house. At first this was hard for me to handle. Mothers are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. Eventually, though, I adapted to the new chores and responsibilities. Having to rely more on myself for things has made me a fiercely, independent person.
One of the worst parts of thisdisease is its unpredictability. My mom goes from being active and happy to bedridden and in pain in less than a day. These exacerbations come out of the blue, and used to annoy me more than anything. I remember looking forward to a shopping trip forweeks only to have it cancelled because she got sick. Times like that made me feel so angry, yet so guilty, because I always knew that it wasn't really my mom's fault. I've now learned to cope with this unpredictability and it has helped me to better deal with any unexpected situation I might come across. I don't that that you needed the comma between "unpredictability" and "and
Thank you so much!
The tone of your essay conveys your frustration well enough. Your mother's illness forcing you to take on much responsibility in the house is the positive you make of your situation. This too comes through well. In contrast your motivation to study medicine, does not come through as strong. The overall impression is not what you want to convey to the admission officers.
Good writing!
The overall impression is not what you want to convey to the admission officers.
I hope you mean that the last paragraph is not what I want to convey, not the whole essay!
I had been iffy about adding that paragraph, but I really want to incorporate its ending. Any ideas on how to do that?
Actually I think that last paragraph is well written. It's just that reading your essay, the passion to make a difference is not coming through as strongly as the burden you have had to carry. Maybe thinking about that some more, then rewriting some parts, will show this motivation as the stronger characteristic you now have.
Following Rajiv suggestion, maybe you should start here by changing the word order in the following manner:
Before my mom stopped working, she was a Registered Nurse. My father and grandfather were both doctors. I grew up around hospitals, and was fairly sure I wanted to work in one.
to
I grew up around hospitals. My mother was a Registered Nurse and my father and grandfather were doctors.
Then, reword your motivation. It sounds like you grew up expecting to go into the family business - the "medicine business". Your mother illness made it more personal, and your contact with various doctors had an impact on your decision. Talk about that and I think it would help.
What if I just cut the whole "doctor" paragraph? I was thinking of instead just adding a paragraph on how it brought me closer to my mom. That way I would lighten the mood a bit more, and just talk about the positive character changes that occurred. I wouldn't have to deal with my career path. After all, this essay wants to know who I am now.
True, it's a strong paper and has plenty of potential, but it's just that. It has potential but it doesn't capitalize on that effectively. The more competitive schools would probably look for something a little closer to perfect where it actually hits them like a bomb. I mean there's just a certain factor when you read a personal statement where it's like "This kid knows what he's doing." when you read a good essay, you should be able to feel that and continue feeling that throughout the essay. You just don't have that but I think your essay has that potential and needs a little tweaking. Maybe look around for more experiences and write a few more short versions of those events and see if it can be combined in to make it even better than what it is.
This is a powerful essay. I think you could incorporate a paragraph that tells about some of the most recent advancements made regarding the disease, and even cite some sources in APA style. That would be impressive, and it would distinguish you from most other applicants who do not cite any sources. Do not overdo it, but show some expertise. And write a bit more about your other interests in the medical field as well... I think the way to get your point across is to condense the material about MS and expound a little more your clear vision for the future.
