Posts by Mellzzer

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / Common apps topic 1: Odyssey of the Mind [4]

"Working with senior members who are much more experienced :

"odyssey the mind"
Odyssey of the Mind? Since I'm assuming you're talking about the program.

"OM became my main dedication and commitment as we won national finals and represented Singapore annually in Colorado, Iowa and Michigan from 2005 to 2007"

Overall, I thought your essay was good, but maybe a little long? Not long, but there are a few things you could cut out. Just look over it one more time and decide for yourself if you think there are some passages or sentences that can be tightened up.

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for the Columbia College--the circumstance of my upbringing [5]

"Once, for a long time I considered myself lived the fist eighteen years in my life paradoxically----wonderfully and painfully"

This... doesn't really make sense. I understand what you're trying to say, but it's worded awkwardly. Take out the "Once", since "once" and "for a long time" mean completely opposite things and shouldn't be put together like that.

Maybe something like, "for a long time I considered my life a paradox of something wonderful yet painful". You might want to reconsider using the word "paradox" also.

I never wanted to or needed to consider others' feelings.

Josephine0411
One night, my parents quarreled intensely and even fought with each other for some trivial things I do not remember anymore. I do remember it was the fiercest one that they threw things around and it ended up with the cold war between them. Who knows that the abominable war just continued and never ended up, even until now? They divorced and for first time I began to realize that life is not always that smooth. From then on, I started to live a totally different life.

Reword that. Make it more clear.

After that paragraph, you have this huuuge paragraph. Split it up a little to make it easier to digest.

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / "Learning the Guitar"- My Common Application Essay [5]

The first couple months were tricky, when I learned how to fret the basic notes and hold chords .

I think your paragraph will flow better without the second part of that sentence.

first three chords: A, C, and E.

Otherwise, I think your essay was pretty good :]

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus" Common Application Essay [9]

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

"I don't believe in Santa Claus."

"You what?" my friend, Laura demanded. I shrank away and shifted in my seat. The look in her eyes spelled heresy. I laughed nervously, telling her I was just kidding, but it was too late. The damage had been done. The seeds of doubt were sown within her. The foundation of her young life was crumbling.

In my defense, it wasn't my fault. I was never given the chance to believe in Santa. My family never hung giant socks over the fireplace or set out cookies for Santa Claus. We didn't even have a Christmas tree until I begged for one in the second grade.

How was I supposed to believe in Santa when I was the one paving the road for my parents? It wasn't my fault my parents immigrated here and were novices to this holiday.

So many times, I wished I could partake in "American" customs and traditions. I wanted so badly to believe in Santa Claus, to drink eggnog, or make Christmas cookies. I wanted to go to baseball games with my dad, and grill burgers for dinner. I wanted to be normal, to fit in.

My parents, however, seemed to be stuck in Korea. My dad was a zealous soccer fanatic whose heart belonged to the Red Devils (a Korean soccer team) and my mom made Bulgogi and Kimchi for dinner. As I grew older, I began to realize that nothing would ever fit this fantasy I had conjured.

I would never believe in Santa the same way Laura did, just as I could never erase my native language from my tongue. A country full of different people, ethnicities and backgrounds couldn't possible be boxed into this narrow scope of my childhood "America".

I am my own individual, yet at the same time, I contain a hodgepodge of ideas, values, and beliefs given to me by the people in my life. Conversely, I have left my mark on the peers as well. They gave me Rolling Stones and Beatles CDs, I introduced them to K-pop. They gave me apple pie, I gave them Korean barbecue.

There is a small part of me that still adheres to my childhood wishes, but a bigger part has finally started to appreciate my own heritage. This is the part of me who enjoys making dumplings on New Year's with my Grandma and joins my father on the couch to cheer for our favorite soccer team.

What I hope to get from my college experience is something deeper than a good education. Within the student body is a diverse pool of individuals interacting with each other. There, I hope that college gives me a taste of the global community that we live in. I'm going to meet people of different races, different cultures, and different ideologies, and they're going to meet me. There's no way of knowing what will happen in the next few years of my life, but something tells me I'll definitely find another crazy loon who's never believed in Santa Claus either.

Any feedback would be great, no matter how minor or major. Thanks!

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / My Common App essay- written by my "Grandson" [4]

Uh, I'm pretty sure your Grandfather was not born in 1992...

Besides that, everything else looks good. The part about college being a crystal ball might sound a bit cocky though. Just reword it.

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / 'invigorating history' - Stanford (intellectual vitality) - Berlin [3]

"It was not appealing to me because of the sense that events had happened so long ago, and because I enjoy the more concise, exact outcomes of science which history is famous for not having."

You might want to split it up into two sentences. You also use the word "because" twice in the same sentence. There are a couple more really long sentences you might want to tighten up a little, but you might prefer it that way so whatever.

"On one side, there is the new, technologically-advanced area, and the other half, which is still lagging behind, trying to catch-up to its other half. "

Reword this. It sounds a little bit awkward.

"Ironically the jump from one half to the other is done simply by crossing a now happy and colorful wall that still reminds the city's residents of the devastating events the city went through, along with the monuments to the victims of the Holocaust, and the run-down buildings which have managed to survive the attacks of the Second World War."

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think "ironically" is the appropriate word...

Overall, I think it's good :] Try to think of a catchier opening though. Admissions reads hundreds and hundreds of essays, so you want to stand out.

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus" Common Application Essay [9]

Well, it said to talk about diversity and its importance, but thanks for your insight. Now that I look back, I don't think I have enough on what I'd bring to college as an individual...

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus" Common Application Essay [9]

Thank you SO much for your input everyone! :]

And to Esaias, you were a lot of help! I agree 'crazy loon' is probably the wrong word to put in there. Also I didn't even notice I used "I hope" twice xP

Mellzzer

Dec 25, 2009

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Photography and North Korea [5]

Just a few minor things can be fixed, but I thought the essay was really well written.

"Photography is not allowed without authorization," said one of our guides over my shoulder font]

It surprised me how much I was affected by this
Just to keep the tense the same throughout.

I'm not sure what your prompt is, but in terms of flow, diction, etc. this is excellent.

Mellzzer

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

[Moved from]: Prestigious University/ Advanced Research; Carnegie Mellon - Why CMU and Major?

It iswas a natural decision to pursue a path in biomedicine and biochemistry, and ~~specifically at Carnegie Mellon University's Mellon College of Science.~~ I believe CMU's Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in the biomedical field.

I think using the name CMU College of Science twice is a little repetitive. It sounds a lot cleaner like this.

CMU has a well-equipped laboratory and that will be a critical factor in enabling me to gain valuable experiences. I believe these factors will not only assist me in developing my potentials but also in gaining a concrete familiarity in the field of biomedicine.

The reason I consider this an important aspect arises out of my cross-cultural educational experiences.
This is good, but it may seem a little random since you never mention it again after that. I don't think the essay will loose or gain by missing this sentence (unless you decide to elaborate on it).

It was good but you use "CMU" a lot throughout the essay. It might be hard trying to find another word or phrase to replace it, but I think it'll make your essay a lot better if you did that. Good luck with Carnegie Mellon! :]

Mellzzer

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Xiangqi (Chinese Chess) [6]

I have played it for five years
I know this is really minor, but you should spell out all numbers one through nine. At least that's what my English teacher is really OCD about.

Victory used to mean everything to me but through Xiangq
It might flow better this way. It really doesn't make that much of a difference, but whatever.

But it is more important to learn by recognizing my mistakes and learn not to repeat the same mistake twice .
Don't use 'learn' in the same sentence twice.

Life is also full of unknowns, and unknowns lead to making mistakes and blunder
Maybe something like, "These blunders, however, don't always cost the whole game. Xiangqi has taught me blah blah blah..." after that sentence.

And I'm not sure what a good closing sentence would be, but I'm sure you'll think of a good one soon!

Mellzzer

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Not a Typical Upbringing...Tufts Community Essay [5]

I think you answered the prompt well :]

Funny, but I've found that many people whose parents forced them to take up piano lessons and learn foreign languages have quit, yet I continue to do what I love and have had the wonderful opportunity to express myself in my own way.

This is too long of a sentence I think. Tighten it up a bit since it just sounds like rambling the way it is now.

Otherwise, this is really good. It's original and has its own voice.

Mellzzer

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / 'The final football season' - NYU: how you spent summer vacation: 500 [4]

It's not bad, but you could do so much more with this piece. I know you care about football, and that the team is important to you, but you have to make that more evident in your essay. Make sound like you care. Describe your grueling work outs, the sweltering heat, and the victory, pride, and glory ahead in greater detail.

Mellzzer

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

I think you could start with what makes you unhappy, give your mother's advice, go into little things that make you happy (as if your mother's advice opened up your eyes to all the little things that matter in life) and then end with those three lines.

It's good this way too, but I think it could work if you rearranged it too. It's all up to you, of course :]

Mellzzer

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "cooked pig intestines" - Common App Essay [5]

The smell, both sickening and overbearing, ~~has always been enough to~~made me steer clear from them every year. But, honoring a strong tradition, my family continues to make them.

~~The story describes an instance where~~ Maybe something like "This experience taught me to be " willing to try something new and take a chance.

I like the imagery you used!