Undergraduate / "to improve my relationship with my father" - Help with Practice personal essay [3]

I have to submit my college applications and I really want to get into an Ivy League school, so I wrote a practice essay on a Prompt:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Here is my practice essay :

I remember the countless times when I was enticed into the cafeteria by the sweet smell of pork chop buns, or the magnificent thought of sugary juices flowing out of the watermelon onto my tongue, only to be melancholic at the reminder that I had forgotten my wallet at home. My friend would instantaneously realize this and pay for my food before I could even ask him. This was just another one of those days. We sat down at the table, there were some fries left behind as well as a tipped glass of apple juice. It reeked of the presence of a younger student. Normally, I would start complaining about the state of the table but the sad expression on my friend's face diverted my attention.

"Last night was terrible", he began.

"Why?"

"I fumbled during my performance to my guitar teacher and he told my parents. Now, they are making me join the school guitar club as well, and pay the one thousand two hundred dollar fee with my own pocket money."

His eyes welled up, and I knew I had to be there for him. I couldn't back out on him. Not this time. I owed him more than money. He was my best friend and surely this meant something. This was my chance at redemption, my opportunity to pay back the debt that friendship endowed upon me. This was the light at the end of my tunnel.

Throughout the day I pondered over a solution for the dilemma. Could I help him pay for the club? No, I barely receive two hundred dollars a week myself. Maybe I could talk to his parents? It's a personal matter and I shouldn't interfere. VOILA! The simplest answer took the longest time to disclose itself - I should start a guitar club. I was already in good light with the club co-ordinator for my creation of a revision club, an initiative she had "never seen at the school before". All I had to do was expand my already existent club to incorporate guitar as well.

I approached the co-ordinator, and presented my idea for an expansion of my club. At first she was skeptical. Who wouldn't be? I was basically asking her permission to create a club that would inevitably reduce the money made by the school-run club. I circumvented the issue by explaining that a number of students could not make it to the expensive club because of conflicting schedules. I am not sure what convinced her. It could have been the glint in my eyes or the passion in my voice. She gave me permission to start the club.

The next day, I opened up my laptop to see that I had already received 25 applications from hopeful students. It was almost as if a spammer was sending the emails with different names for the text in the body of each email was exactly the same, save one. They all talked about the exorbitant prices of the rival club. I didn't bother reading the reasons in all the emails for there was only one email that I was particularly interested in. It didn't contain a reason for joining the club, or a reason for anything at that. There were just two words in the body of the email, a simple "Thank you". There I sat looking at my computer screen. Joyous would be an understatement. I was ecstatic, weightless - captured in a feeling of inertia. Indeed, at that time I related my happiness to the feeling of helping a friend. But truth be told, I was happy because I had helped out many people selflessly, possibly for the first time in my life.

When the Friday of that week arrived, once again I stepped into the cafeteria. I saw the bustling group of young students pushing and tugging to get the last boxes of nuggets. I heard the occasional sound of plastic contacting with the wooden floor followed by an almost immediate groan as a students food fell to the floor. The aroma that I experienced every time I went into the cafeteria hit me again. I almost lost my balance. Luckily there was the cold steel railing to stabilize me. It brought me back to my senses. I had forgotten my wallet, but it didn't matter for my friend had already brought me food, and it tasted better than it had ever done before.

The experience I gained during that week will last me a lifetime. I knew the consideration and selflessness I displayed that week would be reciprocated on everyone I came to know and indeed it did. For it was that week that I decided to improve my relationship with my father and helped him realize his dream of seeing me playing in a golf tournament.

Could you guys please help me improve this with your comments. One specific aspect that it asks to emphasize is the impact on me, so could you explain whether I have explained the impact sufficiently.

Undergraduate / 'Why I want to go the university essay' (Yale) [3]

I wrote a practice on the question I know I will be asked, inevitably: Why do you want to go to this university?

Basically, my other essay was very deep and strong, emotionally, so I wanted to show any characteristic of mine - humor, I am known to be jovial.

Well here it is, in this case I will address it to Yale:

Why do I want to go to Yale? Well, lets see. Last year, at this point in time, 25869 students opened up their laptops, or grabbed sheets of lined white paper, and answered the question. Most of them wrote about, in copious detail, their desires to change the world, win a Nobel prize, give back to the community, fulfill their joy for learning, own BMW 7 series or a Lamborghini, if they have good taste. You must be wondering why I am reminding you of those cliched answers you are so bored of hearing. Why, oh why, am I bringing back the memory of that young girl from Texas who had never seen an ornamental Persian rug and just, so desperately, wanted to decorate her house floor with such a rug. The young girl who believed Yale's Economics department would drop a little of its overflowing knowledge on her and instill her with the wisdom and intelligence to make that dream a reality? Or the memory of the blissful Indian adolescent who really desired to get into a prestigious college so, back home, his parents could emphasize how proud they really were of him to all their neighbours? The answer is simple: this is why I want to go to Yale, though I feel it is important, at this point, to explain that I am no girl from Texas, neither do I have the desire to have an expensive Persian rug in my house; wood is fine as far as I am concerned. I shouldn't have to brainstorm, on that sheet of lined paper, a list of various reasons that are what you want to hear. It is who I am. It is in my blood. Flowing through my veins is a desire to own a big house, a desire to make my parents proud, hell, even own a BMW 7 series (it isn't that bad really). However, beneath all these childhood dreams and ambitions is a cause that will help me fulfill my dreams, a cause which will enable me to take my place in society, happily. That cause is Yale.

Research Papers / Water: Why is it important? - Dual Degree Essay [3]

The prompt is "Water: Why is it important?" and I was told to write between 500 and a 1000 words. They weren't asking for a scientific approach, such as about its polarity and its use as a solvent etc., so I took the approach that I did. So, here it is (blunt honesty is very much appreciated):

Bruce Lee, the great martial artist, once said, "Be water, my friend." Water's molecular structure may enable it to be the basis of all life but its importance goes well above and beyond that. It represents an ideal and a way that many people choose to govern their lives.

Water has no form or shape. Instead, it is flexible and willing to change. If you fill up a clay pot with water, it will take the shape of the clay pot and if you fill up a cup with water, it will become the cup. This serves to emphasize that we too should be flexible in our thoughts and beliefs; we should adapt to our surroundings. Rigidness in a world, especially with the constant integration of cultures experienced nowadays, will lead to loneliness and inconvenience whereas an amalgamation of different thoughts will lead to progress and success. Any problem can be overcome through flexibility, be it global warming or Eygpt's political complications.

It isn't murky or clouded. Transparency is its art and honesty is what it represents. It does not delve into bias - if it is transparent for you, it is transparent for me. Similarly, our honesty should not discriminate; one should be honest with honest people as well as dishonest people. Where would the world be if everyone lied and dissembled? Trust would dissolve into obscurity and collaboration would be an idea of the past - yet another positive trait devoid of meaning. Hence, water's transparency symbolizes humanity's need for candidness and, consequentially, guiltlessness and camaraderie.

Modesty is a virtue that creates nothing but a positive impression to the general population. Exuded confidence, in moderation, causes no harm but haughtiness is frowned upon, and water does exactly that. The intriguing and soft aesthetics of water in the natural world entice people from the world over, but beneath its soft appearance is a formidable being that can wear away rock. Such modesty not only creates a favorable impression but also, in some situations, creates trust. Furthermore, its hidden forcefulness and determination fuel one's ambition and foster success.

When water is poured onto the road and is confronted with multiple fissures, it does not choose which fissure to make its own. It travels down each and everyone in its journey to a lower physical position. It is unmurmuring and does not discriminate. As it follows its path, it accepts and adapts to everything and leaves a little bit of itself wherever it goes. We too can benefit from being open-minded and as we accept what others have to say, others accept out thoughts, leaving, in essence, a part of ourselves.

What's most important is how interlinked water is. If you don't have one, you cannot have another. In other words, if you are overconfident or conceited, you do not leave yourself open to other opinions, your inflexibility shuns collaboration and relationships away, and your trust in others, as well as that of others in you, is wavering. All the ideals come together to coalesce into one consummate person.

It is true that without water we wouldn't be alive, but where would we stand as people if we didn't incorporate all the other ideals that water stands for?

- What do you think about it?
- Where could I improve?
- I am on the lower end of the word count with around 540 words, so what changes do you think I could make to increase it?

Thank you very much