Scholarship / "Only If He Had A Vision" - critique my Questbridge essay. [5]

I was applying through commonapp until I was told about questbridge just last week. I had to quickly write the essays and as of now I have been able to come up with this. The deadline is September 30.

I would appreciate every comment and suggestions.

Prompt: If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why?

ONLY IF HE HAD A VISION

Hellen Keller once said, "The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision." This, I remember each time I find my peer dissipating his energy unprofitably.

While on my way to church for the Youth Meeting, I met Francis, my classmate back then in Grade 3. Having exchanged pleasantries, I asked, "Where do you school?" "Do you think you can succeed?", he retorted. "Look at where we live. It's a deprived community, no good roads, poor water and electricity supply and inadequate social amenities. This is where we belong and we are destined to be like this," he added.

If I could, I would change the mindset of the people in my low-income community. The inhabitants of Alajo, the small suburb of Accra where I live, have yielded and are in the depths of despair. They believe it would take a miracle to improve upon their current condition. The parents do menial jobs and the children, who do not attend school, spend the day playing and performing house chores. Most families live from hand to mouth and life to them is all about finding something to eat to stay alive.

Despite the fact that I am just nineteen years old, I have come to realize that with vision, determination and perseverance, everything is attainable. I had my elementary education in an underprivileged school with rooms which leaked whenever it rained. Nobody thought I could make it into one of the best public senior high schools in Ghana. Some said my achievement was a miracle. But my younger brother, whom I inculcated vision into, is also currently in the same senior high school I attended and is outshining those from the wealthy families.

"Why the outlook of the people when there are several things that need to be changed?" Yes!, we are poor. Yes!, we live in an underprivileged community. Yes!, we do not enjoy the amenities of life currently. Yes!, we are downtrodden. But it is my firm conviction that if we could set our sights on visions and focus on them, then with determination and perseverance we will attain everything we want in life, and out plight will end. This change, to me, will have a higher impact than any other change that can be effected in the community. Not everyone has to go through school to effect this change. But if the people could let go of the current mindset, set targets, and work towards them, then everybody's current situation will change for the better.

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude of mind," goes Williams James' saying. I am fortunate to have realized this early in life and I believe that if the people in my community could do the same, then our community would be an utterly different one in the not-too-distant future.

Thanks in advance.