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Posts by babyjess
Joined: Aug 26, 2010
Last Post: Jan 11, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 11  
From: China

Displayed posts: 14
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babyjess   
Aug 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

yeah i agree with Zengrz.Seriously i think you have to show your possitive attitude on your transfer eassy,talk more about why you think you can get what you want from Boston,you said you are studying in business field,then you should talk about why you think their business program is suitable for you.then show how grateful you are as a person other than a student.i think your personality that shows on your essay is a hotspot,because you are the only you in the world.you shouldn't say that you want to be like somewhat,you might want to focus on how you think you can possibly do to achieve that instead.
babyjess   
Nov 22, 2010
Undergraduate / China Exchange student leads me to business world. why i am interested in business? [8]

Thank you guys im appreciated to all given advice!!!!i'm from Chinaand this is my UC transfer essay.Don't know if it sounds good or bad.

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

I have dreamt about myself in a black suit and high heels standing in front of an international business conference, talking about a new market plan confidently. Since I started selling my drawings to earn extra money in second grade, I knew that my little career had led my interest on the way to business field. However, deciding a major is always a tough consideration. When I was younger, I never knew what a business meant. I asked my mom and she replied, "business is a way people do trade and social network." I did not understand until I joined ASSE exchange program when I was 16.

In the summer camp, students came from all over the world. We were asked to get into different groups and develop a market plan for pizza fundraiser. It was my first time doing fundraising and I started searching information online about how to prepare it. We designed posters, solicited everyone for help, calculated funds and rented a cart to pass out our flyers. It was arduous work, but our group won1st place. I enjoyed the successful excitement this little business plan has brought to me. During the course of this activity, I empathized what a basic business is like and how to create a market plan.

Furthermore, the most important thing I learned is if I want to persist in business field, a exceedingly well-developed network and strong interpersonal skills are very necessary. I am lucky enough to say I am an insightful person and love to share my culture in the process of learning from other cultures. I noticed once you have a comprehensive perspective, communicating with people from different cultures will be much easier. I think this is an important concept that I learned from all the business-like activities in my exchange year. Now with what I have learned, I am confident enough to handle the upcoming bowling fundraising held by the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society acting as the secretary.

To pursue farther in gaining business strategies, I interned at the China Comfort Travel Agency as an assistant of the Customer Service Department, as well as a member of the Taiwan Market Plan team last summer. I experienced the real-life situations and did learn a lot from it. I found myself picking up the phone and answering questions more confidently; and I grasped how important teamwork is when developing a market plan by sharing different ideas and listening to those with more experience. Now when I look back, I finally understand why years ago my mom told me about business-it is not only about money and trade, it includes communication art, diligence, creativities, comprehensive understanding, social networking and generously repaying society.

My aspiration now is clear-to pursue international business, build symbiotic bond between China and the USA and share Chinese culture with the world. I will help people who need help in societies and especially give helpful hand to kids who want to be exchange student-that may shape their dreams by showing their a whole new world, just like me. Now I am questioning myself, "Am I afraid of the risk in business?" I smile, pulling out a pen and a piece of paper and start drawing like the old days. "Art for pennies? That, I will do."

Thanks for all advice that will be given and i really appreciate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to all the advisors: hope ya all have a great Thanksgiving!
babyjess   
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "I must guide my life for a better future" - UC [4]

i like your ideas but i think you should deeper about your goal and aspiration.but overall, i think it's pretty good, at least better than mine:)
babyjess   
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / American single host mom has inspired me.---life experience. [5]

This essay is about my life experience living with a host mom. Friends said it's good but too long. Can anyone please give me some advice to shorten it?Thanks!All the feedbacks are appreciated!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"You are my daughter." Judy said. I had never regarded her as my mother before. We are in a complex situation-she is my host mom.

I was honestly a little disappointed when the advisor from the exchange student association told me I would be placed in Michigan. I was expecting somewhere warmer, California, for instance. I still remember the smile that shown on her face as she stepped out on the front porch and said hello. We hugged, and she began to act as my mom. I was anxious to call her that.

To start in another culture can be really challenging. I became homesick after a couple of days staying at her house. One day she knocked on my door and asked me if I would like to have Chinese food for dinner. I was a little astonished at that time, due to the fact that most host families rarely take students out to dinner. I started feeling better in this newfangled world. I ultimately turned out to be courageous enough to call someone who was previously a stranger "mom".

I quickly assimilated into the American teenager's lifestyle after my senior year started. I joined the track team and choir, practiced running with my new friends and began singing solo at school concerts. I stood in amazement of my advancement. It was not until later that I understood how Judy was a major part of my success.

Senior year was extremely fun. Judy took me skiing, family reunions and weddings. She was acquainted with my infatuation about traveling and supported my traveling to over 13 states in the U.S. during school breaks. She said, "I would love to see you experience other parts of the country and decide where your steps go next." I called her and thanked her when I landed at LAX; it was my first time calling her "mom" with my full tenderness. During my first night in Los Angeles, the memories of my USA experience flew back in my mind. I remembered Judy's face when she patiently explained U.S Government class to me and went shopping with me on weekends just to pick out a prom dress for me. She said,"I regretted I didn't go to prom, and I will make sure you go and have a date." I did not pay much attention to prom because there is no prom in China and I had no idea what it meant. Marvelously, I had the best night at prom with her nephew, who she promised to furnish as my date. I realized all the success and exhilaration I gained was encouraged by her.

Judy also went through major changes during my stay. She divorced from her husband shortly before the end of my first year in the U.S. Since Judy has no children of her own, I was now living with her alone. Supporting both of us made her life difficult. But she was always happy and cheerful. I came from a low income family and Judy promised me that she would continue to host me for two years in community college. I cannot articulate how grateful I am. I learned a lot from her being such a generous, encouraging and optimistic woman. She taught me lessons every day by having a great personality, and I became more compassionate and tolerant to what life brought to me.

I can honestly say I would never have achieved such accomplishments in the U.S. without her. The experience living with a host mom has shaped my perceptions of life. Beginning college has been a new stage in my life, and I find myself more flexible and outgoing. Judy said, "A great personality is important in college because it will influence your social life besides academics." She has taught me more than I could ever expect.

I graduated successfully from high school as senior ranked 16th out of 299. During the graduation ceremony, the principal said, "The Letter of Academic and Excellence Award are awarded to Yi." I could hear Judy screaming my name. I will eternally remember the excitement on her face. She hugged me and said, "Darling, I'm so proud of you." I whimpered and said, "Mom, I love you."

I believe this is over 500 words and I want to make it shorter. A bit longer than 500 will be fine.
babyjess   
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / China Exchange student leads me to business world. why i am interested in business? [8]

Thanks do much for your suggestions!Yeah i know the feeling about being a foreign student:)lol
well, i will take your suggestions by editting the sentence you mentioned above. So what do you think in the first paragraph i say: "I have dreamt about myself in a black suit and high heels standing in front of an international business conference, talking about a new market plan confidently. Since I started selling my drawings to earn extra money in second grade, I knew that my little career had led my interest on the way to business field. However, to seriously grasp the core of my major has been complicated. When I was younger, I asked my mom what business was and she replied, "business is a way people do trade and social network." I had never understood it until I joined ASSE exchange program. ??

How do you like that?
And what about the whole idea of my paper?Do you think it's mature enough to present out?
Thanks a lot for your comments!
Appreciate it!
Happy thanksgiving!
babyjess   
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Dreams overcome nightmares after emigrating from China. [4]

I like how you structure your paragraphs, they are well-organized.
and i think your aspiration is very unique and clear which is very possitive.
Good Luck Chinese guy!
by the way i am a chinese as well :) and i love ancient world,especially Ancient Egypt.
babyjess   
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / China Exchange student leads me to business world. why i am interested in business? [8]

Oh i like your suggestions!! I will take that!Thanks so much and I really appreicate it!!!And thanks for your wishes!!!

I just wonder if you could take a second look at my another paper : essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/amrican-single-host-mom-has-inspired-life-experience-22116/

I don't see people giving me suggestions and i personally like that essay better!

God bless you! Your encouragement has cheered me up!
Happy Thanksgiving!
babyjess   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / American single host mom has inspired me.---life experience. [5]

Thanks you guys!especially vchera!!
Thanks for your advice.
I changed it a little bit but due to my bad internet, i couldnt access online.
I made some change.but your advice is reallllllly helpful!
Thanks! God bless you all!
babyjess   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "interest in world cultures, communication": what can make you succeed in Penn State? [4]

PSU requires 1200 characters including spaces.this is 1578...can someone shorten it please?ALL HELP IS APPRECIATED!!!THANKS!

As a child, I developed a deep interest in world cultures that has persisted into the present and now structures my goals. My first passion was Ancient Egypt. The more I read about Egypt's history, the more I wanted to learn about other countries like Greece and Italy. Each chapter of history that I encountered fueled my desire to learn more. As I read about various cultures, I began to realize that all human societies are interconnected. With this realization came a new era in my education.

Over time, I turned from merely reading about other cultures to seeking out movies and songs that would offer international experiences. Eventually, it was only natural that would seek to experience another culture for myself. In this way, at the age of 16, I decided to become an exchange student. When I joined the ASSE exchange program, I enjoyed a long-awaited opportunity to live in another culture. Of the countries available, I chose to visit the United States. I found this country to be vastly different from my home country, China, and delightfully so.

After arriving in the States, I began attending a local high school. In order to develop social connections, I joined the choir and the track team and even participated in an art show. My experience as a foreign exchange student was filled with new friends and great relationships. Interacting with people whose cultural experiences differed radically from my own taught me good communication and diplomacy. I would love to expand on these skills by pursuing a degree in international politics at Penn State University.
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