This essay is about my life experience living with a host mom. Friends said it's good but too long. Can anyone please give me some advice to shorten it?Thanks!All the feedbacks are appreciated!
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"You are my daughter." Judy said. I had never regarded her as my mother before. We are in a complex situation-she is my host mom.
I was honestly a little disappointed when the advisor from the exchange student association told me I would be placed in Michigan. I was expecting somewhere warmer, California, for instance. I still remember the smile that shown on her face as she stepped out on the front porch and said hello. We hugged, and she began to act as my mom. I was anxious to call her that.
To start in another culture can be really challenging. I became homesick after a couple of days staying at her house. One day she knocked on my door and asked me if I would like to have Chinese food for dinner. I was a little astonished at that time, due to the fact that most host families rarely take students out to dinner. I started feeling better in this newfangled world. I ultimately turned out to be courageous enough to call someone who was previously a stranger "mom".
I quickly assimilated into the American teenager's lifestyle after my senior year started. I joined the track team and choir, practiced running with my new friends and began singing solo at school concerts. I stood in amazement of my advancement. It was not until later that I understood how Judy was a major part of my success.
Senior year was extremely fun. Judy took me skiing, family reunions and weddings. She was acquainted with my infatuation about traveling and supported my traveling to over 13 states in the U.S. during school breaks. She said, "I would love to see you experience other parts of the country and decide where your steps go next." I called her and thanked her when I landed at LAX; it was my first time calling her "mom" with my full tenderness. During my first night in Los Angeles, the memories of my USA experience flew back in my mind. I remembered Judy's face when she patiently explained U.S Government class to me and went shopping with me on weekends just to pick out a prom dress for me. She said,"I regretted I didn't go to prom, and I will make sure you go and have a date." I did not pay much attention to prom because there is no prom in China and I had no idea what it meant. Marvelously, I had the best night at prom with her nephew, who she promised to furnish as my date. I realized all the success and exhilaration I gained was encouraged by her.
Judy also went through major changes during my stay. She divorced from her husband shortly before the end of my first year in the U.S. Since Judy has no children of her own, I was now living with her alone. Supporting both of us made her life difficult. But she was always happy and cheerful. I came from a low income family and Judy promised me that she would continue to host me for two years in community college. I cannot articulate how grateful I am. I learned a lot from her being such a generous, encouraging and optimistic woman. She taught me lessons every day by having a great personality, and I became more compassionate and tolerant to what life brought to me.
I can honestly say I would never have achieved such accomplishments in the U.S. without her. The experience living with a host mom has shaped my perceptions of life. Beginning college has been a new stage in my life, and I find myself more flexible and outgoing. Judy said, "A great personality is important in college because it will influence your social life besides academics." She has taught me more than I could ever expect.
I graduated successfully from high school as senior ranked 16th out of 299. During the graduation ceremony, the principal said, "The Letter of Academic and Excellence Award are awarded to Yi." I could hear Judy screaming my name. I will eternally remember the excitement on her face. She hugged me and said, "Darling, I'm so proud of you." I whimpered and said, "Mom, I love you."
I believe this is over 500 words and I want to make it shorter. A bit longer than 500 will be fine.
Can anyone cut the words down to 500?
I was expecting somewhere warmer, California, for instance. i would take out that.
i cant find anything else wrong with it. its too good!
i gotta do my personal statements its hard!
This essay is okay, but you spend more time on Judy rather than yourself. You need to write more about your current attitude and how Judy has influenced you. Don't get bogged down on the details so much that you forget about your place in this essay. Consider cutting down on the details about every single moment in high school with Judy. Here are my suggestions:
Definitely cut down on the paragraphs and information you've provided here. While it may have some importance to your character, you want to "sprinkle" key moments of your senior year here. Then, relate those key moments about Judy and your high school year in a separate paragraph. You'll be able to cut out 280 words. Remember, this isn't about Judy, but about you.
I quickly assimilated into the American teenager's lifestyle after my senior year started. I joined the track team and choir, practiced running with my new friends and began singing solo at school concerts. I stood in amazement of my advancement. It was not until later that I understood how Judy was a major part of my success.
Senior year was extremely fun. Judy took me skiing, family reunions and weddings. She was acquainted with my infatuation about traveling and supported my traveling to over 13 states in the U.S. during school breaks. She said, "I would love to see you experience other parts of the country and decide where your steps go next." I called her and thanked her when I landed at LAX; it was my first time calling her "mom" with my full tenderness. During my first night in Los Angeles, the memories of my USA experience flew back in my mind. I remembered Judy's face when she patiently explained U.S Government class to me and went shopping with me on weekends just to pick out a prom dress for me. She said,"I regretted I didn't go to prom, and I will make sure you go and have a date." I did not pay much attention to prom because there is no prom in China and I had no idea what it meant. Marvelously, I had the best night at prom with her nephew, who she promised to furnish as my date. I realized all the success and exhilaration I gained was encouraged by her.
Judy also went through major changes during my stay. She divorced from her husband shortly before the end of my first year in the U.S. Since Judy has no children of her own, I was now living with her alone.
Also, try not to jump around too many details. Keep the information flow organized. Focus on your new character and how the student exchange program with Judy developed that. Then, you can talk about your high school year with Judy and how key moments shaped your personality. Sure, you can incorporate details about Judy's life, but don't over do it. Finally, end with a strong paragraph detailing your accomplishments up to this moment. Reminisce on those moments and try to make it sound persuading. While you may think that your essay is fascinating, the admissions officer might not. Let an anonymous person learn more about you through a story about a foreign mother-daughter relationship. Also, I had this sense of exhaustion after reading the excerpt above. I liked some information (about the skiing, the traveling, and the fact that Judy did so much for you), but other information was too incoherent.
One last thing before I finish. The prompt asks you to respond on this experience, comment on why it makes you feel proud, and relate it to the person you are today. I suggest you primarily focus on the last paragraph of this essay. Once again, don't get yourself holed up in a bunch of details; those key moments (especially with the one in the last paragraph in your essay) need to truly show a change. Make that admissions officer understand that transformation and give you a seat in their university/college!
Good luck and post a revised essay soon!
Thanks you guys!especially vchera!!
Thanks for your advice.
I changed it a little bit but due to my bad internet, i couldnt access online.
I made some change.but your advice is reallllllly helpful!
Thanks! God bless you all!
