Posts by nortonc64

nortonc64

Oct 5, 2010

Undergraduate / "to prove people wrong" - UC Personal Statement - The World I Come From [2]

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your word has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

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My life is not a story of overcoming the odds in life and becoming an unexpected success; however, it's just a story like that that has influenced my life the most. You may not know it but my family's income, or our upper-middle class lifestyle, but my father grew up with little around him and little to look forward to. Growing up in a single parent, close to poverty, household, he had little future to look forward to. Yet he rose up and made his way to college and eventually the owner of his own construction company.

It seems as though his success is a bitter-sweet gift to me. Ever since I...
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476/500 words.

So what do you think, mainly content wise? Is it a good topic? Did I write it well and answer the prompt well? Will it make me more appealing or less? etc...

Thanks ahead of time to everyone.

nortonc64

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Man in the Arena - UC Prompt #2 [3]

"pumping iron" is bad diction; use something more academic.
I like the sentence about not having a minute of playing time; I think you need to elaborate on it. You know, like how you found ways to make a difference without taking center stage or a direct role.

I think the last few paragraphs should be less fact based and more centered around the prompt. Like what about the football made you proud? What off the field skills or values did it give you? How did YOU change not necessarily your academic prowess.

nortonc64

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / "Family has always been an important, MBA business" - my world [3]

You have some grammar issues, but I'm going to focus on content right now.
Although I like you story of your father, the essay needs to be about you. I would limit your father's life to a few sentences just stating how he had to deal with struggle and strife yet still succeeded. Then you need to focus more on how this has affected you. Like how did learning of his story impact the way you view the world or how you tackle problems in your life.

I wonder though, if you have a mother in all of this? If you do, you might want to mention her as well, I'm sure she has had an affect on your dreams and aspirations.

Good Luck though, I'm working on my personal statements too right now. Gotta hate that tuesday deadline./

nortonc64

Nov 27, 2010

Undergraduate / UC #1. DENYING WHERE YOU COME FROM [6]

It's well written; you use good syntax and diction.

However, I feel that you seem to deviate from the prompt. It starts like you are writing about the problem's with our society, and then you go on to your story dealing with culture. You need to focus more about you, rather than everyone else. Not only say how you do get to experience your culture, but also how it has shaped you. What have you learned from going to Mexico and studying your history? How have you changed as a person? How has your cultural experiences shaped your dreams and aspirations?

nortonc64

Dec 27, 2010

Undergraduate / UIUC: Academic Interest: Information Tech & Activity: Camp Counselor/Instructor [NEW]

Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on my essays (300 words or less for each) for UIUC. They talk about similar fields, whether or not it's good or bad.

In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

The world of technology is ever-growing and ever-diversifying to satisfy the needs and demands of our modernizing society. It is the driving force of progress in our world, creating far-reaching possibilities that were once though to be impossible. Even as a child, I was fascinated with the world of technology and its triumphs, taking all possible opportunities to expand my knowledge as well as share it with those around me.

There are many realms within technology from creation to modification to application. I find my interests lie with all three. Yet I am not solely driven by technology; with my father running his own small business, I have developed an interest in the business world. This two interests of mine are interlocking as technology is an integral part of business, and thus I have been inspire to take my passion of technology and apply it to the workplace. Thus I have found Information Systems and Technology to be my calling.

In Economic terms, I tend to seek out efficiency. I've always been, and always will be, a logical thinker and a critical thinker; I have a keen ability to identify problems within a system as well as solve them in an efficient manner. Information Systems and Technology is a path that allows me to take my passion of technology and explore it through my thinking path. I want to take the role of not only the problem solver but also the chief architect of a firm through a tech-based outlet: my desire and my nature prowess.

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

It was the first day of summer camp and like all young, shy, kids, I was quite nervous. I had never been to TechKnowHow before, and I didn't know anybody; thankfully I was only signed up half day. Bob was my teacher for the week and through his kindness and passion for teaching I was able to open up to the class and fully explore the planned Lego buildings and introductory programming. In fact, when it came time for lunch, and my departure as a half-day camper, I begged my mom to enroll me the afternoon game design class, where I can confidently say my passion for technology started.

This first day at camp started me off with my summer-long (and life-long) trips to TechKnowHow. I eventually grew too old for the camps but Bob saw my passion and encouraged me to move on to a teaching role; this was one of the greatest pieces of advice I had ever received.

I can't think of anything more rewarding to me than my work with TechKnowHow: being able to bring my passion and knowledge of technology to a new generation is phenomenal. Over the course of the summer there are always those times when you wish weren't there: accidents, arguments, errors, and general irritation. But I always bear through these moments because seeing a child smile after he accomplished what he thought was unthinkable, or begging his mom to enroll him again is so worth it.

Through this, I have learned the joys of helping others; bringing to them what Bob had brought to me. It has been a maturing experience for me, granting me compassion, patience, and reliability so that I can help lay the foundation for the next generation.

Thanks in advance and Happy New Year! (That's when it's due :P)