Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Since a young age family has always been an important factor for me. Growing up with a small, tight-knit family provided me with a closer connection to each family member. With this, each of them has provided me with knowledge and support to pursue my biggest challenges. Yet, the biggest desire for myself is to carry on the family intelligence. Coming from a well-knowledge family puts an element compelling myself to never stop with education. My father is the main driving force in determination to excel to my fullest potential.
Growing up in Salt Lake City, Utah with not a lot of money and a father, who was never there, never stopped my father. Even at a young age in middle school, he never had a chance of failure. He made his way to the top as Student Body President with great grades and numerous extra actives on the side. After middle school, high school peer pressure never stopped his intelligence. He then became one of the top students graduating with honors. My father then continued his education at the University of Utah graduating with his bachelor and later attending California SU Fresno and receiving his MBA for business.
His drive for education in what has shaped my life. Since day one, I have always wanted to be just like him in pursuing my academic excellence. He never once let anything put his dreams down, and that is something I value and live by. My father has outlined a lifestyle that I wish to follow. He has provided me with the strength, courage, and determination in following my dreams in carrying on my family's intelligence with my future endeavors.
At the start of when I was a young child, family has always been an important factor to me.
Also, you should go more in depth about your 'biggest challenges' and the importance of your family's support. I like how you talked a lot about your dad, but don't forget that the college admissions people want to learn more about YOU :).
You have some grammar issues, but I'm going to focus on content right now.
Although I like you story of your father, the essay needs to be about you. I would limit your father's life to a few sentences just stating how he had to deal with struggle and strife yet still succeeded. Then you need to focus more on how this has affected you. Like how did learning of his story impact the way you view the world or how you tackle problems in your life.
I wonder though, if you have a mother in all of this? If you do, you might want to mention her as well, I'm sure she has had an affect on your dreams and aspirations.
Good Luck though, I'm working on my personal statements too right now. Gotta hate that tuesday deadline./